I showered, changed into a brown crochet off the shoulder crop top, denim capris and cute white keds then packed a bag for a Louis place. I tell myself that I'm packing the baggy T-shirt and cotton sweat shorts for after the pool but a small part of me may be planning ahead. I debated between the one piece suit I wear for when I go to the Y to swim laps and one of my bikinis ultimately deciding on a bikini. I trust Louis that's why I plan to tell him everything tonight. Of course I worry he will see me differently but I push that aside. Louis cares for me I won't let those fears keep me from letting him make his choice.
"I'm headed to Louis place for dinner. I'm not sure when I'll be home so don't wait up." I tell my sister then I head out.
Louis place is up in Hollywood Hills so it will take me an hour to get there. I let Louis know I'm not going to be there until seven which he has no problem with because I just want you here. Xoxo. Reading that text only confirms I'm making the right choice to tell him. Now it's just a matter of when to do it; that I feel will be the biggest problem. It's not like I just want to walk in and start telling him my disgusting secret. I come to the conclusion that the best thing for me to do is to not pin point a time rather just let it come out when I feel right.
When I pull up to the mansion Louis is renting my jaw drops; it's not huge but bigger than a normal house a striking white against the mountain adorned with floor to ceiling walls in several parts of the three stories a breathtaking view of the city and mountains. When they see my car they open the garage so I can park next to the Escalade they use to keep Louis safe. The sun is low in the sky soon it will be painted various shades of pink and orange as it is just before the sun sets. Louis has dinner waiting for me on the roof top deck. When I ask after his bodyguards he explains they're in the detached in law suite and they'd already eaten. This is when I know he wants to be alone with me so I decide then that I'll tell him after we get into the pool. If he is disgusted with me I'll leave and though broken-hearted I would have one final evening to remember us.
Dinner is delicious he prepared a cucumber salad with grilled steak and veggies then for dessert are macrons he got from a local bakery. We finish just as the sun sets which is absolutely the most stunning thing I've ever seen. Naturally to my embarrassment Louis disagrees because he believes that to be me. We stand there Louis behind me with his arms around my shoulders for a moment once the sun is finally set and the stars are brightening up the sky. Then he suggest we take a dip in the infinity pool and brings me to the bedroom next to it to change while he goes to the master.
The pool view is equally as lovely as the deck; we lean up against the edge looking out over the city. For a bit we swim, splash and kiss in the pool until I unexpectedly yawn. I guess the full day in the sun has worn on me more than I thought. He swims up to me pulls me into his arms then asks if I'm ready to leave. This is the moment because I don't want to leave I want to stay. I want to be with Louis. In order to do that I need to tell him the truth. I take deep breath to steady my breathing.
"Louis I want to talk to you about something. Maybe not here in the pool; do you think we can go inside and change?"
"Um sure" His voice sounds unsure about the direction of this but he leads me back inside.
So I don't loose my nerve I don't let him when he goes in to kiss me I just quickly go in the room. He seems hurt; I'm guessing with my shift in mood he may be expecting that I'm about to end things again. Because of this I rush to change making sure that soon after I head to his room. I knock on the door given I don't hear him I open it a crack softly calling out his name. I start to think he isn't in here when I hear him call my name in response. His voice sounds so strange so I open the door wider I find him head in hands sitting at the edge of his bed. I go to him so quickly he is startled by my arms around him but only for a second then he's embracing me back.
"Haley I won't let you go again." He says
"Louis I don't want to leave you...wait" I hold up a hand to him "I'm going to let you decide if you want me to leave but not until after I tell you...not until after I tell you why I'm damaged and maybe you shouldn't want me to stay"
"There's nothing you can say that will make me not want you" he says as he kisses me.
This is one of his most passionate kisses with his lips moving to part mine swiftly his tongue sliding along my lips finding its opening and tangling with mine. This kiss is what will ignite the desire I've been holding at bay so I pull back before I lose my resolve.
"Wait Please let me get through this. I have been so scared so ashamed for all this time. I need to tell you before I loose my nerve". I plead with tears streaming down my cheek.
"Shh I'm here". He croons into my ear
"You're here now but my fear is you won't be once you know. God Louis I pray you understand. I just need you to know I'm sorry." With that I begin my story.
I tell him how I met Ryan, how we started dating, how since my first and really only boyfriend I hadn't been with anyone. I explain how I wanted to take things slow which I felt Ryan knew. I went onto my birthday night that everyone was sick so it just left me with Ryan. I tell him about the guy I thought was creepy how I thought Ryan was protecting me. I start to heavily sob at this point but when he tries to tell me to wait to catch my breath and I can finish later I push at him a bit.
"I can't stop because you have to know what I let happen. How I led him on and he..." I'm just full on hyperventilating now. Deep breaths I tell myself. I have to get through this. I go on. "How he drugged me" I heave a little "How he took me to his place and I was confused". I'm hardly holding myself together. "How he forced himself on me". I'm barely able to whisper "how I woke up half naked him naked beside me the evidence of his having apparently enjoyed himself seeping between my legs. I ran out of his place and when I got home I tried to seer myself with hot water just to wash it all away in the hottest shower". That's all I can take. I run into the bathroom and begin to retch up all the wonderful food Louis had just prepared us just absolutely sickened from recalling that awful night.
I don't know how long I'm in here or if Louis is still on his bed but I finally stop becoming ill. I take the liberty to rinse my mouth with his mouthwash and use a rag to wash my face off. Once I feel physically better I go back into the bedroom where Louis is still there his head back in his hands hung down in I'm sure complete disgust I know this is my sign to leave. His head is held in shame as mine has been and now knowing who I am he can't stand to look at me. I look away from him starting for the door as quick as I possibly can.
"Haley wait" his voice is so soft.
When I turn to look at him I realize he's been crying. I want to go to him but I don't know that he wants me to touch him. I stand there my hand on the door my body turned toward him fighting with what to do. He rises slowly to his feet then closes the distance between us keeping his tear swollen eyes on me. When he's just a couple feet away he opens his arms like he's done in the past as an invitation for me. That same joy that I've felt in the all those other times overcomes me but unlike in the past I don't rush to him. I'm still unsure so I take my time closing the distance until I feel him close his arms around me.
Standing there Louis holding me in his room of this beautiful rented house I feel safe for the first time in so long. There's nothing familiar here yet I feel at home. It's the smell of his cologne, the feel of his arms holding me tight and his sweet breath on my skin. I am safe, I am happy and I am where I should be. I need to make sure that he knows I didn't mean for that night to happen.
"Louis can you forgive me?"
I feel his arms tighten even more around me and his breath catch in his chest for just a moment. He slides his arms down until he finds my hands careful not to break contact until he has one of my hands firmly in his then he leads me to the foot of the bed motioning for me to sit with his free hand. Once we are seated side by side both of my hands now in his he takes a deep breath. I brace myself to hear his disgust or anger.
"Haley what have you done that makes you feel as though you need to be forgiven? What that you trusted someone you thought cared about you? Love no one can be angry with you for being trusting."
"But if I hadn't lead him on"
"Haley stop!" His voice raises just a little but I don't think he's angry with me. "You didn't lead that arsehole on! You were dating and hell even if you weren't what you wear or even how you act doesn't mean someone has the right to your body."
"You... you're not ashamed of me or disgusted or even mad that I let it happen?"
"I am disgusted". When I start to cry he pulls me into his lap and holds me close. "I'm not disgusted of you love I'm disgusted by him. How could he do that to you?"
"You were crying I thought you were upset with me"
"I was crying for you. Crying because I was so angry and because I wasn't there to protect you."
"But we didn't even know each other yet"
"Doesn't mean I don't feel that I could have protected you. I will now though. I'll always be there to protect you."
"You can't always be there but I appreciate that you want to be." It's a this moment that I yawn again. I know now I am beyond the point of exhaustion. Not just physically but emotionally as well I am drained of all energy.
"Come now I'll have one of the lads drive you home. You can get your car tomorrow or we will bring it to you. We don't have to talk about it anymore unless you want to."
I'm exhausted but I don't want to leave. I know now that I want to be with Louis. Maybe not physically intimate with him tonight but in his arms. I try to think of how to say this without sounding like a slut especially after what I just told him. I don't know if it is because I make no motion to move or because he wants the same thing however I hear him softly whisper.
"You don't have to go anywhere tonight or ever. There are plenty of rooms for you to sleep in. Don't worry I'm not going to leave you."
It is with those words that he gives me the courage to climb off his lap and into his bed. I open the covers patting the space next to me. He understands; he slips in beside me taking me into his arms. I know sleep is coming quickly or maybe it already has because I hear his voice say
"I'm falling for you Haley Mills and I have no plans to stop. You're safe now rest."
I don't think I've ever felt as good as I do right now here in Louis arms. I feel loved, safe and comfortable; very comfortable in fact as the next thing I know we are startled awake by my work alarm I hadn't thought to turn off. It's ringing out throughout the house and takes us both a moment to figure out what it is. I jump up flustered by the interruption to the first good solid sleep I've had in a while and for waking Louis. Louis is slow to move trying to coax me back into bed but I have to turn off my alarm not to mention text Brad and Kate.
I take the stairs two at a time then rush to the little bedroom by the pool to retrieve my phone. I'm glad to see once I shut off the alarm that I have a text from Kate last night saying she assumes I'll be staying at Louis place and one from Brad this morning saying to work from wherever you happen to be the next couple of days. I'm very happy for you dear. Since I didn't bring my laptop I can't really work from here but I don't want to leave just yet. My stomach informs me that between emptying its contents and this early morning exercise it's time to eat.
So I let Louis know I just have to run home for a bit to check some emails and then we can spend the day together but he suggest I work from the laptop here in the little office. The thought of not having to leave him anytime soon brings a huge smile to my face.
"Ok yea I just need to check some emails. Before I start though is there any chance we could get breakfast?"
"I'll make us some eggs, fruit and toast. Would that work?"
"If you add in coffee then I'm in."
While he scrambles the eggs I cut up the fruit and put the toast in the toaster. The coffee is finished just as we are putting the plates on the tray to take out to the sitting area by the pool. When our food is eaten and dishes placed in the dishwasher I ask him to show me to the laptop. He leads me to another guest bedroom on the same floor as his master suit that has been set up as a little office.
"I'll just be in the living room working as well if you need me". He gives me a quick kiss and leaves me to work.
I was right I really don't have many emails and all my current projects are being held up by other peoples work. I call Chrissy just to make sure there's nothing pressing Brad needs me to do then close the laptop. Once I'm free from my work responsibilities I go in search of Louis.