Waking up with his head lying on my stomach has become a thing since he tossed out my pills and made me promise that I would never take them again.
I haven't taken them since that day and the side effects haven't been to pleasing.
I woke up early and showered, which mainly considered cleaning my body at first and then standing underneath the shower head lost in my thoughts.And now I sat by the window and watched the grey sky. Thinking about my conversation with Adam.
I did accept him as my father but he would always be Adam to me, the first person I met who took the time to listen, to understand me.
I was still thinking about going to talk to him today but I wasn't fully ready just to jump into talking about the past. Not with all that's been going on.
I didn't want to think about anything today, I just wanted to clear my head and get rid of my overbearing thoughts but that was a battle I always lost.
The countless calls Grandma left, left me no choice but to block her number and ask Carter to erase her name from my visiting page which he said I couldn't do because I needed at least one adult on my emergency contacts.
So I requested him to ask Adam, who accepted, and both Grandma and Noah were taken off and couldn't visit me even if they miraculously decided that they wanted to.
Noah, who I still thought about, hadn't done anything after being punched and knocked out by Alessio. I didn't know whether to be relieved or suspicious that maybe he was up to something.
This was my last month at Hartford, the second the last day hit, I was free to move on and start my life without any problems and leave behind a life that I couldn't wait to forget.
Alessio wraps a blanket around my shoulders as he finishes brushing his teeth and exiting the bathroom. I stared out his window and watched the gray sky reflect across the lake in the back of the academy, his room has a perfect view.
"Did you have trouble sleeping? You should've woken me up and I would've" I place my finger against his lips to quiet him down.
"I just woke up early, I slept fine" I've been sleeping better because of him, soundly as well, without the constant disturbance of my mind waking me up in the middle of the night and refusing to go back to sleep.
"Can we stay in here for today? I don't want to be around anyone, please?" I clutch the blanket around me as I begin to feel the morning breeze.
"But I'm here" He refers to when I said that I didn't want to be around anyone today and I kept my gaze focused out the window.
"You don't count" I finally turn my head to look at him and the second I do, I catch him already looking over the features of my face as if he's memorizing each detail.
I find myself doing the same, I couldn't believe how perfect everything about him was.
Golden brown eyes hide behind clear lenses that only ever dimmed when he was upset or something was bothering him, perfectly cut cheekbones that go along with his dimples, the left one showing whether he smiles or not. Neatly shaped eyebrows that couldn't hide the emotions he felt, perfect, full lips that never once said anything wrong and felt so good against mine.
My focus on seeing how perfect the details of his face were was broken when I felt his fingertips lightly trace themselves up my thighs, underneath his shirt on my body.
The soft touch and the slow breeze from the windows cause goosebumps to rise against my skin, he did nothing but watch his fingers trace something along my thighs.
"You said you want to stay in today, right?" I could only manage a nod right now as he got closer to the inside of my thighs.
"Can I try something then?" He asks, glancing over at the extra paint and paint brushes on the window sill.
I remove the blanket from my shoulders and lift his shirt higher, "Do whatever you want"
He goes and fills one of the ceramic mugs with water before coming back over to me, placing it down next to the paint brushes. He then pours the color of paints that he wants to use on one of those paint trays.
I lift my legs on his lap, Alessio removes his shirt so we won't get any paint on it but it's more like a distraction for me.
"I can go out and get you anything you want to eat after this if you don't want to leave the room," He says, dipping one of the thin paint brushes into the red and another into the white to make a light pink shade.
"I'd like that" I peek up at him to find the growing smile and blush on his face, it felt refreshing not to talk to anyone else or worry about lecture classes anymore.
There was still so much I needed to figure out about my life and myself.
And it all made me realize that I wasn't completely ready for a lot.
It felt like so much was happening all at once and I couldn't keep up.
"Stop thinking so much" He dipped another paintbrush in the red and continued to shape out the flowers.
He was so concentrated on making each detail of the flower perfect and yet he was still able to know that I was letting myself get too far lost in my own thoughts.
"Easier said than done" Getting inside of my head was a talent that I was very skilled at, especially when I've only had myself to tell my problems to, getting lost in my head way too easy.
"Why did you want to paint today?" From my right ear, I can hear the sound of the rain pattering against the window so I reach over and close it.
"You said your mother painted with you when it rained... and that it made you happy. That's all I want is to make you happy" He stops, turning his head in my direction rendering me speechless.
I didn't know what to say, I opened my mouth but nothing came out. All I could do was stare at him while he went back to painting my thighs.
Why do you want to make me happy? Are words my brain and heart wouldn't allow me to say.
When I know inside that I cannot make you happy.
"I'm guessing he did that?" I don't expect to hear Noah's voice and everything in me freezes, he's standing in front of my door in the dark halls with only one light above us.
How is he here? He should've been taken off my visitation list already.
He's staring at Alessio's paintings on both my thighs, the trailing roses going up my right thigh.
His jaw is still purple and a bit swollen along with his lip, judging by how he winced when he spoke, it still hurt.
I don't say anything to him and push past him to get inside my room but he easily cuts in front of me.
"You know, I almost feel bad for the poor guy. I would feel fully bad for him if he didn't almost break my jaw for someone like you" He clicks his teeth, grinning at my attempt to move past him.
"Thanks to you, my brother will be taking over my father's company so you've pretty much ruined my life and my face" he backed us into the wall behind me, pressing his heavy body against mine.
"Trust me, both of those things were ruined before you met me" I struggle against him but look him in his eyes to see his overly wide and creepy ones staring back into mine.
"I don't know what he sees in you honestly, it's not like you see whatever it is in him" The bruise on his jaw has even started to go down to his chin.
"Is there a reason why you're here?" I try to get him to tell me why he's here so he'll leave faster, I didn't have time for Noah, especially not with the headspace that I'm in.
"That day after you got your... well I can't call him your boyfriend now can I? Cause you to see him as so much less than that don't you?" He reaches to stroke my face and I push his hand away.
"Get to the point" This is the last thing I wanted was to be around him or anyone at that matter.
"After he came close to breaking my jaw, I called the deal off with your Grandma about the marriage and told her that you had been sleeping around with your Headmaster's son, and she told me that it was something that just ran in your bloodline" He's amused by all that he's telling me.
"Then she asked me if she thought you were growing feelings for him and it made me laugh because there was no possible way that you see him more than just sex but him on the other hand. When he punched me, I knew he saw you as so much more" He pressed his body harder on mine, making me clench my jaw in slight pain.
"You can't even see it can you? Of course, you can't because your just a selfish bitch using him because all you care about is sex, and it's all you'll ever be good for" His words aren't helping what I was thinking about earlier and I shut my eyes.
"Poor guy doesn't even know what he got himself into, judging by who his father is, I'm guessing he was a virgin who chose to be an idiot and let you take it. He doesn't even know he gave it up to a worthless and selfish bitch" He slammed his hand beside my head to make me look up.
"T-That's not true... I'm not using him" I wanted to cover my ears. I couldn't hear this, not right now.
Truth is, I did wake up really early but it wasn't because I was thinking of Adam or my Grandma, or my Mother.
It was because I was thinking about myself, thinking about how I thought I had found something real but my condition would always come back to ruin it for me.
All that's been happening has made me see the weaknessesin myself lately, I've been putting myself down for a while and it only grew worse this week.
"Then tell me that you have feelings for him, admit to yourself that you like him. You can't, can you? Because you can't feel anything for anyone but yourself and you say you aren't selfish" He waits a few seconds and finds himself laughing.
My mouth remains shut and Noah scoffs, "It's pathetic honestly, you're pathetic" He backs up a bit and it feels like the thoughts in my head only grow worse.
I remember hearing Alessio speaking to his father on the phone when he thought I was asleep, his father telling him that all he wanted was for him to be successful, that he didn't want him focused on something that wasn't going to help him in the future.
Then Noah's words about me using Alessio replay in my head but I wasn't using him.
I told him that all we had was sex and if Alessio had grown feelings for the way Noah said then not only was that the one thing I told him he couldn't do but I told him he couldn't expect to have the same feelings or want more than what we have.
"Guess he's lucky it's your last week here, then he won't have to look at the person who's about to self-absorbed girl who wasn't enough even get her real father to stay in her life" It wasn't the fact that Noah said the words, it was the words itself that hurt me the most.
"It's almost sad to think about the life you'll live, all alone but I'm sure you're used to that right?" He finally spits and walks away.
Like water crashing against rocks, tears spilled down my face in frenzy, I went inside my room and slammed the door behind me, as if air couldn't reach my lungs I began to hyperventilate.
I knew I shouldn't have let this go as far as it did, I knew there was something he was hiding from me and it was that he has feelings for me.
I shouldn't have done all the small things we've been doing recently.
People who just have sex don't sleep in the same bed together, they don't hold each other to fall asleep, they don't give each other forehead kisses and paint each other. They keep it at sex and only that and I let it get too far.
I didn't go to his room like I said I would, instead I stayed in my room all night, thinking about Noah's and mommy Grandma's words,making it hard for me to close my eyes and just sleep.
I was a selfish bitch, I wasn't oblivious to Alessio's feelings, and I've just been pretending like they weren't there the entire time because in many ways him being gentle and comforting towards me was what I needed and wanted.
But how long would that last?
How long until he realizes that I'm not what he wants, that he wants someone else, how long until he sees all the flaws that I already see in myself and says that he can't handle it.
But it was also me at the same time, if we were to work out, how long would it be until I sabotaged it all myself, pushing him away and reflecting back to my ways now, it not only hurt him but me at the same time.
I didn't have enough space in my heart to be hurt all over again.
I didn't ever like to admit people were right about all the things they tell me, but maybe just maybe Grandma and Noah were right, I deserved to be alone and I could never have the happy ending that I read about in stories.
I feel like I'm already reinventing myself and building my life again from the bottom.
Like I didn't know myself anymore.
God I wish she was here to tell me that I was wrong, that this wasn't the way and that I was just hurting not just myself but him as well.
Truth was I didn't deserve Alessio, and there was someone out there better for him than I was.
I wasn't what he needed but he is what I need, he was good for me in all the ways I needed.
But I was terrible for him.
I wasn't even good for myself.
- ❤️