━━━༻ ˚✩‧₊ july 2021₊‧✩˚༺━━━
"Now why is this man wearing a full-on suit in the middle of summer?" Narae laughed as she looked over at Taehyung on the stage.
As she had pointed out, Taehyung was dressed to the nines for their soundcheck in a three-piece tailored brown pinstriped suit. He'd at least foregone the jacket and had rolled up his sleeves, but the outfit was not something that any of the others would choose to wear in the overwhelming heat.
The rest were more appropriately dressed in summer attire of shorts and t-shirts, moving around the stage as they did their second to last ever soundcheck for the tour.
It really had been a chaotic few months, but they had made it through and were nearing the end. It was their last stop before they returned to South Korea for the final concert in Seoul, and the energy around them was hyped, all of them determined to end their international leg on a high note.
The sun was beating down on them whilst they went through the setlist, the artists taking care not to exert too much energy as they wiped the sweat off their foreheads. Jungkook however, was still giving it his all, bouncing around the stage, interacting with fans and running through the choreography.
He wanted to do his very best right up until the end. He needed to be the best at all times, if not he'd be letting down the people that came to see him and opening himself up to criticism. There was no room for error. Anything less than perfection simply wasn't good enough.
Narae's eyes involuntarily trailed over to him, his focused pout making him look adorable as he marked the choreography. It served as a stark contrast to how his muscles flexed as he danced, his hand reaching up to push his hair off of his forehead to deal with the rising heat. She knew she was staring but she just couldn't help it. She knew she shouldn't, but once she looked at him, it was hard to look anywhere else.
But it was precisely because Narae was watching him that she saw the exact moment that he collapsed.
In the middle of a turn, he faltered, lost his balance and fell to the floor. Narae's heart leapt to her throat as she rushed over to him, her fear making her steps frantic and a lot faster than they usually would have been.
As she got closer to him, she noticed the quick rise and fall of his chest as he took rapid, shallow breaths. His forehead was damp with sweat, a lot more than she had been able to observe from afar, and his skin was paler than usual.
She arrived by his side first, Namjoon and Jimin seconds behind her as they had been the ones closest to him on stage, crouching down to observe his condition. She reached out in concern with a hand to his skin, but it was knocked away before it could make contact.
"Don't." Jungkook gasped out, casting a worried look towards the fans.
Stunned by the rejection, Narae's hand dropped to return to her side.
She didn't protest and dutifully moved to the side when the licensed first aider asked them all to make space for him as they performed the standard check-up.
She said nothing when they concurred that it was only dizziness caused by mild heat exhaustion and that he was safe to perform later as long as he kept himself cool and drank plenty of fluids to replenish what had been lost.
She kept quiet when the other members berated him for not taking proper care of himself, for overworking himself to the point of exhaustion, and not listening to them when they had told him to take it easy.
She completed the rest of the soundcheck in a daze, but was silent as she made her way to her waiting room after confirming that he was okay.
Ultimately, she had nothing to say.
So she thought instead. She thought a lot.
She thought about how for her, maybe this was the tipping point. This third incident wasn't some grand betrayal or dramatic scene. It wasn't a screaming match or a charged argument. It wasn't harsh words or slammed doors.
No, this third incident was an insignificant gesture and seemingly inconsequential uttered word that if it happened in isolation, could have easily been overlooked.
But it didn't happen in isolation.
It happened in relation with the first two incidents and stained the picture that Narae wasn't quite sure she wanted to look at anymore.
She thought about how over the year they'd been together she'd turned a blind eye to multiple things she usually would have never ignored.
She thought about how she couldn't even hug him when she was happy, or console him when something bad had happened. How she couldn't even go on dates with him or spend her birthday with him without him feeling paranoid, and how whenever she'd bring it up she'd always get the same answer.
She thought about how much it took its toll on her pretending that it was okay every time she was denied by Jungkook. How mentally and physically tiring it was to keep up the façade that she was fine.
She thought about how she constantly pushed down her feelings to accommodate his. About how time after time, no matter how much she tried to deny it, she had never been a priority. How his words said one thing, but his actions said another.
She also thought about Yoongi and Asa. About how they were each other's most important person. About how with them, the other came first. How any other situation was minor and unimportant as long as they were together and they were okay. About how much she wanted that kind of relationship for herself.
She thought about her own relationship with Jungkook, and how fame was the unwelcome third party that marred their every interaction. About how she was willing to risk it all for Jungkook and how she wasn't so sure he was willing to do the same.
She thought about how things would be once the tour was over, once she moved out of the dorms and went back to their separate schedules. How they would no longer have the excuse tying them together and explaining their close proximity, and how they wouldn't be able to see each other every day.
She thought about how much she loved Jungkook and how much he loved her. And about how lately the love hadn't been feeling like it was enough.
Narae thought about a lot of things.
And when she was done thinking, she called the one person she knew would provide her fair, unbiased opinion.
"Hey Moonie, what's up?" Haneul's cool greeting came through the phone.
"Haneul, what do you think about me and Jungkook?" Narae asked, cutting straight to the point.
"Jungkook? Where is this coming from? Did something happen?" Haneul's tone instantly became worried. The detached manner in which Narae was speaking instantly signalled to her that something was wrong.
"Yeah. Or should I say they've been happening. I don't know, I'm just... realizing a lot of things now that I didn't before. Or rather, that I didn't want to realize before." Narae sighed dejectedly before telling Haneul everything. From when they had first met to the present time, leaving no detail untouched.
"Narae sweetheart." Haneul's voice was gentle as she spoke after listening to Narae spill what she had been keeping in for months. "I think you already know what you're feeling and what you want. You just want me to confirm it and tell you what you need to do, but I can't."
"Please unnie." Narae implored her. She knew what Haneul was saying was right, but she didn't want to accept it. She didn't want to have to draw the conclusion that would leave him in pain.
"You have to make the decision yourself." Haneul's voice left no room for disagreement, despite how softly she spoke. "I can't make that for you, and I won't. This is between you and Jungkook."
"Even if the decision hurts him?"
"But isn't the present situation hurting you?"
Narae was silent as she digested Haneul's words. She kept quiet for a few moments before she spoke up again, anguish coating her every word.
"It is.. I just... I just want to be the first choice Hani. I want to be someone's priority for once. Is that too much to ask for?"
"No it's not. You deserve to be the first choice Narae. You deserve to be someone's priority. And I'm going to tell you again what I told you the last time, because if all else fails, you need to prioritize yourself. You need to have your own back and you need to be just as important to yourself as others are to you– okay?"
"Okay." Narae's voice was small, lacking its usual confidence.
"And sometimes the decision that hurts the most, is the one that is the most necessary. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I will say that you need to think clearly about what you need, and whether you're getting it. From then on, it's up to you to decide where you want to go from there. Decide if it's something that can be fixed, or something that needs to be left alone. Do you understand what I mean?"
"I do understand Hani. It's just... it's just so hard. I love him." Narae's voice cracked as she spoke, her voice thick with emotion. "I really love him."
"I know sweetheart. I know you do." Haneul sighed. "But love isn't the only thing that makes a relationship."
Haneul sighed again as she heard Narae's sniffles, wishing she could be there to comfort her in person. It hurt her to know that Narae was hurting.
A knock on Narae's door led to it being opened by one of the staff, informing Narae that she had only a few minutes before they'd need to get started on her makeup.
"I've got to go now Hani, but thank you for listening to me." Narae said, her voice stabilized but still melancholic.
"Anytime Moonie. You know I'm just a phone call away." Haneul replied, "Please think about what I said and let me know how things get on."
"I will. I love you Hani."
"I love you too Moonie. Break a leg tonight okay?"
"Okay. Bye."
Narae cut the call and wiped the few tears off her face that had managed to escape.
She'd deal with her emotions later. For now, she had a show to prepare for.
✩ ✩ ✩
Narae moved through the concert as if on autopilot. She was feeling too much that she was almost numb.
She didn't break down when she saw Jungkook properly for the first time since he had collapsed, looking handsome as always after he had been cleared by the health professionals to perform.
She was fine as she performed her subunit song with Jungkook and Taehyung, missing no steps and flirting it up as they usually did when it came to the song, though there was no heart behind her actions.
She pushed through and smiled and laughed and danced with the others, interacting with the crowd and teasing her fans as if nothing was wrong, as if she wasn't crumbling on the inside.
It was hard but she did it.
It was hard but she managed.
It was hard but she endured.
But this, this song was too much for her to handle.
She had written it for her debut album in the midst of her breakup. It was her very first heartbreak but now it felt way too much like déjà vu. She had chosen to perform it as it was the song that earned her her first entry in to the Top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100, but she was severely regretting that choice now.
I looked in my rear view mirror and
It seemed to make a lot more sense
Than what I see ahead of us,
Ahead of us, yeah
I'm ready to make that turn
Before we both crash and burn
'Cause that could be the death of us
The death of us
The lyrics had been written as a way to let out all of the pain she had been feeling inside at that moment, but now as she finished the first verse of the song, it only served as a harsh reminder that for her, years later, nothing had fundamentally changed.
I feel like my heart is stuck in bumper to bumper
Traffic, I'm under pressure 'cause I can't have you
The way that I want
Let's just go back to the way it was
When we were on Honeymoon Avenue
Honeymoon Avenue
Baby, coastin' like crazy
Can we get back to the way it was?
She hated that the memories of the early days of her and Jungkook's relationship decided at that point to come to a forefront. The giddiness, the excitement, the nervousness of finding something new all seemed like a distant memory to her now, all corrupted by the reality of life and the situation they were in.
Hey, what happened to the butterflies?
Guess they didn't count at that stop sign
And my heart is at a yellow light, a yellow light
Hey, right when I think that we found it
Well that's when we start turning around
You're saying baby don't worry
But we're still going the wrong way
Baby you know how to drive in rain
And you decided not to make a change
Stuck in the same old lane
Going the wrong way home
The fact that she knew what she had to do only hurt her so much more. She didn't want to, but the fact of the matter was that they were at a limbo. Instead of going forward, they were regressing, stuck in a cycle that only seemed to repeat itself. And she didn't know how many more repetitions she could take before they fully broke her.
She didn't want to end up resenting Jungkook or regretting their relationship. She never wanted to be in a situation where that was her reality and as she sang the chorus again she was reminded of just how much she wanted to return to the early days, when things were simpler and her heart wasn't in so much conflict.
They say only fools fall in love
Well they must've been talking about us
And sometimes I feel like, I've been here before
I could be wrong, but I know I'm right
We gon' be lost if we continue to fight
Honey I know
Yeah, we can find our way home
But as Narae sang the last line, she wasn't sure that they could. She felt like they'd passed the point of no return.
How could they find they way home when she couldn't even remember where home was anymore?
Maybe, just maybe, for them, home wasn't a place that they shared together. Home was a place where they were apart. The thought of that being true made her breath stutter and her chest constrict painfully.
I feel like my heart is stuck in bumper to bumper
Traffic, I'm under pressure 'cause I can't have you—
She couldn't do it.
The lump in her throat had grown so big and now she couldn't do it anymore and she was crying on stage and she couldn't seem to stop.
She had held on for so long and now the reality of it all had come to reveal itself. She couldn't even say it was without warning because it had always been there.
Written in their love story were the side notes that she had refused to acknowledge, dismissing them as unimportant to the plot and now she was forced to reckon with it and she was sobbing.
She tried to stop but every time she wiped her eyes, a fresh wave of tears were there to take their place.
The band continued playing sending her worried glances, but she couldn't find the strength to pick up the microphone again, smile and say everything was okay.
It wasn't until the sound of the crowd singing reached her ears, that she managed to pause her tears to gain awareness of her surroundings.
Her fans were there, singing in front of her and all around her, picking up where she had left off. Some had tears running down their faces as well and others were smiling at her reassuringly. Their voices were strong and clear as they encouraged her to go on.
"Sorry guys." Narae apologised with a sniff, "I'm a bit emotional right now as you can see."
"It's okay!" Multiple fans shouted out, supportive cheers and applause given her the support she needed to go on.
When we were on Honeymoon Avenue
Honeymoon Avenue
Baby, coastin' like crazy
Can we get back to the way it was
When she was done, the stadium thundered with applause and cheers. They were shouting out how much they loved her and how it was okay, and despite the crushing sadness she was feeling inside, her heart warmed from the strength of the affection she felt surrounding her. She smiled softly at the crowd and gave them the reassurance that she was okay.
She wasn't okay in the slightest— but for them she would be.
She hadn't made a decision yet after all. She was still holding out on some misguided hope and when she left the stage, it was a very small flame burning inside her.
She placated the staff asking if she was alright, giving them empty reassurance and false smiles and it wasn't until she ran into Jungkook looking concerned that she let some of the façade slip.
"Are you okay nae sarang? You were crying a lot out there." He asked gently.
The concern that should have made her feel better didn't.
It didn't make her feel better because just before he had asked her, he had looked around, checking that their surroundings were clear before deciding he could step closer and take her hand in his.
The flame extinguished itself completely.
He couldn't offer her comfort without making sure they were alone and that both saddened Narae but also gave her the clarity she needed.
It was at that moment she realized, from that subtle gesture, that no matter the chances she gave him, and no matter how much she denied the truth – as long as they were still famous and in the public eye, and as long as he was still him, and she was still her, nothing would ever change.
And so she smiled to hide her innermost thoughts.
"It was nothing to worry about. Just feeling upset that the tour is almost over you know. I got a bit overwhelmed." Was her answer, the lie rolling easily off her tongue. She'd been lying to herself for so long, it was like second nature to her now.
Jungkook eyed her sceptically but slowly nodded, "If you're sure."
"I am." She smiled brightly at him, though it didn't reach her eyes. Now was not the time to be truthful.
"Jungkook-ssi! Narae-ssi! We need you back in to get ready for the ending ment!" One of the staff called out from the end of the corridor gesturing for them to get into hair and makeup.
Jungkook released her hand immediately and half-turned his body in the direction of where they needed to be, "We should probably go get ready if you're sure you're okay."
"I'm sure!" She chirped with false enthusiasm.
"Okay..." Jungkook turned fully to head down the corridor before he was halted by Narae's hand grasping his again. "Hm, what's up?"
"Can we... talk tomorrow?" She asked him.
Jungkook was put on edge by the serious tone of her voice, "Yeah of course, is everything okay?"
She smiled reassuringly at him, "Nothing you need to worry about now. Just something that I need to get off my chest."
He relaxed at her smile and answered simply. "Okay."
She stared at their joined hands before releasing them, allowing Jungkook to make his way down the corridor and away from her.
Her hand fell back to her side, empty with nothing to hold on to anymore.
She took a deep breath and released it, her resolve hardened.
It was time to let go.
━━━━༻˚✩‧₊☽₊‧✩˚༺━━━━
a/n: 🥹❤️