Chris: Last episode of Total Drama went down nice and easy. One Juggy Chunk at a time. Then it was time for a stomach-turning game of Hurl and Go Seek. With his heart broken, Dave voted himself off. And that's about it. Absolutely nothing strange happened. Just like nothing's happening now Nope! Nothing to see here! Just a regular day! Get ready for Total! Drama! Pahki-
[Chris get's cut off]
[lightning strikes]
Jasmine: It's an earthquake!
Sky: No! It's a typhoon!
Shawn: No! It's a volcano!
[volcano erupts]
Y/N: A Hawaiian donut volcano?
Sugar: Dreams can come true! [slurps]
Max: What's afoot here? I demand the host narrate an explanation.
Chris: No idea what you're talking about. Just need a minute, here.
Jasmine: You've got ten seconds to tell us what's happening.
Chris: Whatever do you mean? You don't have vanishing trees in Australia?
Jasmine: No.
Y/N: Pretty sure nobody has vanishing trees anywhere
Chris: Uh, what about Christmas? [sighs] Fine. The island's mostly artificial.
[all gasp]
Chris: Yes, gasp! And we're having some technical difficulties, okay? It's nothing to worry about. Ack!
[alarm blares]
Automated Voice: Self-destruct sequence activated. Island will explode in one hour.
[all talking over each other]
[airhorn blares]
Chris: Zip it! For your next challenge, one of you has to shut down the self-destruct, which is located in this underground control room! There are three ways to get there, so you'll split into three teams of two but one of you will have to go own your own.
Y/N: Meh, I'm cool with it
Chris: The team that stops the countdown wins immunity.
Scarlett: [gasps] Can I see that?
Chris: Sure.
Y/N: Hey, Scarlett is smart so she could like do some science wamma jamma and tell us how to deal with the malfunction
Scarlett: Riiiight
[Confessional]
Scarlett: The fool. He just handed me the key to the island! It's all mine! [evil laughter]
[Confessional Ends]
Chris: So, if there's no questions... ready... set...
Sky: Of course we have questions. Why does an island have a self-destruct setting?
Shawn: What do we do when we find the control room?
Y/N: where exactly is the control room
Sugar: Why do puppets have legs? We all know they can't walk.
Jasmine: This is just a challenge, right? Our lives aren't really in danger, right?
Chris: Silly Jasmine. Your lives have always been in danger. Just never so seriously. But don't worry, I'll be right here to help you. From a safe distance. In this helicopter!
Shawn: Uh, wait. If there's a helicopter, why don't we all just escape?!
Chris: Ready... set... go!
[airhorn blares]
[Confessional]
Sky: This is crazy. I'm kinda freaking out. I wish Dave were here 'cause he always made me feel-- [gasps] Pull it together. Being doughy-eyed for Dave almost got you eliminated! Huh. But then he eliminated himself. Did he do that to save me? Ugh, focus! I'm really losing it here.
[Confessional Ends]
Automated Voice: T-minus fifty-five minutes and counting.
Sugar: We doing this or what?
Sky: Alright, let's pick teams! [groans]
Sugar: Looks like you're on Team Sugar!
Sky: [grunts]
Sugar: Girl's night! Whoo!
[Meanwhile]
[mechanical whirring]
Jasmine and Shawn: [grunting]
Jasmine: We're close! That entrance should be-- watch out!
Shawn: [grunts]
Jasmine: [grunts] Right over... here! What? Oh, come on.
Shawn: I guess we gotta swim.
Jasmine: I guess we gotta.
[confessional]
Jasmine: Shawn's great. We have everything in common. Except the zombie thing, which could be a deal breaker. But once he gets over it, he'll be perfect.
Shawn: Yeah, Jasmine rules. Once she develops a healthy fear of the undead, she'll be perfect! [Confessional Ends]
Shawn: On three. One. Two. Shark!
Jasmine: It'll be fine. Sharks are more afraid of you than you are of him. If it gets close, just punch it in the nose and it'll scram.
Shawn: Really?
Jasmine: Yeah. I saw it on TV once. Let's go!
Shawn and Jasmine: [grunting]
Shawn: [mumbles]
[shark growls then Shawn punches the shark, the shark whimpers then growls]
[confessional]
Shawn: I'm glad peeing in your pants while underwater goes totally unnoticed. What happens in the pond stays in the pond.
[confessional ends]
[shark gags]
Jasmine and Shawn: Oof!
[Meanwhile]
Y/N: Okay the control room should be close
[You turn on your phone and go to your photo apps
[Confessional]
Y/N: Before Chris gave his tablet to Scarlett, I managed to snap a pic of the map, guess theres more then one genius on the island
[Confessional Ends]
Y/N: Now then on to save the island
[Meanwhile]
Sugar: We gotta buddy up from here on in! We're the only two normals left!
Sky: That's... shockingly true.
Sugar: I'm like the girl version of you.
Sky: What?
Sugar: Oops. I hope that wasn't as insulting as it sounded. I just never met a girl who didn't care about her looks.
Sky: You're insulting me now? When we have less than an hour to live? Just who do you--
[mechanical whirring]
Sky: Hey, that must be the way in.
Sky and Sugar: Ah!
Sugar: Or not.
Sky: There! Come on!
Sky and Sugar: [grunting] Ah!
Sky: Oh. Great.
[Cut to Scarlett and Max]
Scarlett: According to this, the closest entrance to the control room is under a rock, right over... there.
Max: Well? Which one? Come now, sidekick. We don't have all day!
Scarlett: Why don't you ask them?
Max: Finally, a good suggestion. Perhaps you aren't utterly useless after all. You there! Show me to the control room at once. I said at once!
[clunk]
Max: Owie
[Max Falls into the bunker beneath the island]
Max:[screams]
Scarlett: Huh. Perhaps you aren't utterly useless either.
[Meanwhile]
Shawn and Jasmine: [panting]
Chris: Guys. Glad I caught you! I have good news!
Jasmine: We're gonna live?
Chris: No, I said good news. I can download the footage from all the cameras to the helicopter, so even after the island blows up, I can still cut together an episode.
Jasmine: Glad you're enjoying the show while we risk our lives.
Chris: Hey, you think you've got it hard? The cappuccino maker on this thing is terrible! [sips] Oh, and try to avoid the motion sensors. They set off crazy security all over the island.
[the motion sensors activate]
Jasmine: [groans]
Shawn: No problem. I got the same system in my yard for zombie protection! First I tried land mines, but, you know... squirrels.
[Confessional]
Jasmine: He's a work in progress.
[Confessional Ends]
[Jasmine and Shawn Dodge the motion sensors with ease]
[Confessional]
Jasmine: Okay, the zombie thing's bad, but the man's got some sweet moves!
[Confessional Ends]
Shawn: Oh, uh, after you.
Jasmine: No, I believe it's... your move.
Chris: Guys, seriously? Clock's ticking!
[Jasmine and Shawn Kiss witch sets of the motion sensors
[Confessional]
Shawn: I gotta be honest. I didn't even notice the alarms.
[Confessional Ends]
Automated Voice: Intruders detected. Releasing robotic securty units.
[sparking]
Shawn: [screams]
[Confessional]
Shawn: But the killer robots got my attention.
[Confessional Ends]
Chris: [seethes] Ah... well. That was the shortest season ever. Good luck, guys. I'm out.
Shawn: Is this weird or scary?
Jasmine: Both! Run!
Shawn and Jasmine: [screaming] [gasp]
[Jasmine Loses her hat]
Jasmine: My hat! [grabs her hat] Phew... That was close.
Shawn: Uh... closer than you think.
[The head of the security bot bites Jasmine]
Jasmine: Bad head!
[The head of the security bot starts chasing Jasmine and Shawn]
Shawn: Why does this keep happening to us?
[cut to Sugar and Sky]
Sugar: Woohoo! That was great!
Sky: Uh... a little help? Oof!
Chris: Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to join us. FYI, being more interested in each other than in saving your lives, Jas and Shawn managed to set off security, so now the island's crawling with killer robot animals.
Sky: What? Killer. Robot. Animals?
Chris: Yeah, we had real animals, but the Animal Rights people were all "blah blah blah blah". So, we switched to robot animals. Some were crazy violent though. So we caged them down here.
Sugar: That makes sense.
Sky: Does it?
Chris: Point is, the halls are dangerous. It'd be way safer sneaking through the gear chamber.
[steam hisses]
Sky: What could be less safe than that?
Chris: Oh, you're about to find out. [chuckles]
[cat meows]
Sugar: Aww. Who's a cute wittle kitty?
Chris: Yeah, not that. Trust me.
[The robot cat fires lasers from it's mouth at Sugar and Sky]
Sky: I think we better run!
Robo-Cat: [hissing and clanking]
[A tree with a birds nest with eggs in it pops up beneath the ground]
Sugar: Hey! Free eggs! This place rules! [eating]
[Confessional]
Sky: I gotta say, for all her many, many faults, Sugar's really good at staying positive.
[Confessional Ends]
Sugar: [burps]
Chris: Stay tuned to find out if anyone is still alive when they get blown up. Ha ha. Here on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!
[After the break]
Max: Ahh! Oof!
Scarlett: Oof!
Max: [groans] So much hurting.
Scarlett: Now to find the control room.
Chris: Max! Scarlett! Congrats on being the first to the control room. And subseuently, not dying.
Scarlett: We need a passcode to open the door. What is it?
Chris: I keep it safely locked away at all times. In the control room.
Scarlett and Max: [groan]
Chris: Just start hitting random numbers. It couldn't hurt. Oh, except for the electric shocks that thing dishes out every time you get it wrong. Those'll hurt.
[phone rings]
Chris: Oops. Gotta take this. It's the network. If I'm not back in fifteen minutes, I hope you had a nice life.
Max: Step aside, sidekick. Let's see. 1-2-3. [gets electrocuted] Peh. Nope. How about 3-2-1? [gets electrocuted] Ahem. Let's try 1-2-3 again. [gets electrocuted]
Scarlett: Keep going. I just know you'll get it.
[Confessional]
Scarlett: He will. That door can only dish out so many shocks before they short out. He'll open it or die trying. It's a win either way.
[Confessional Ends]
Max: [Gets Electrocuted]
[The door to the control room opens]
Scarlett: Yes!
[The control room activates]
Automated Voice: Welcome, Chris McLean.
Scarlett: The island is mine! Mine!
Max: Enough nonsense, sidekick. Step away.
[And that's when Scarlett had enough]
Scarlett: I. Am. Not. Your. [Scarlett removes her glasses and undoes her hair]Sidekick!
Max: Scarlett. You look... different.
[Scarlett grabs Max]
Scarlett: This is the real me. The Scarlett that I've kept hidden until now. [Drops Max] Biding my time, waiting to strike! I. Am. Evil! [maniacal laughter]
[Confessional]
Max: [sucking thumb]
[Confessional Ends]
Scarlett: You should probably start running. [evil laugh]
[Scuba Bear returns]
Max: Oh. The lovable bruin that enjoys diving and carbohydrates.
[Scuba Bear Rips of his exo-skin and starts to chase Max
Chris: Scarlett! [chuckles] You look... different. So, you've almost won. All you gotta do is shut it down. Just, you know, disarm the self-destruct and uh...
Scarlett: I need incentive.
Chris: Your life isn't enough?
Scarlett: There's an escape pod connected to this control room. I can leave anytime I want. So, bring me the million dollars or I simply escape and let the island explode.
Chris: Yeah, I think you're bluffing.
Scarlett: Perhaps you need a demonstration of the power I now have.
[Scarlett actives the island defense system and fire off a rocket a Chris]
Chris: Whoa! Ow! Ahahah! Ah, ouch! Hey! Have some respect for nature!
Scarlett: Give me the million, or you and this island are gone!
Chris: You're forgetting one thing. The others will be there any second.
Scarlett: [evil laughter] No, they won't.
Chris: Chef! We've got an emergency! The foamy thing on the coffee machine won't work at all now! [sips] Also, Scarlett's gone rogue and is gonna blow up the island. We gotta warn the others. [sips] As soon as the foamy thing is working properly again.
[Meanwhile]
Sky and Sugar: [scream] Oof!
Y/N: Sky, Sugar, you guys are okay.
Jasmine: Hey! Thank goodness it's you guys and not more of those crazy robots.
Sugar: We've seen some crazy stuff too! It's a long story, but you gotta hear it!
Automated Voice: Ten minutes to self-destruct.
Sugar: I guess it's enough time. So first, there were these--
Scarlett: Guys, I'm so glad I found you. I'm in the control room, but you can't shut down the self-destruct from here! Chris was lying.
Jasmine: Ugh, that figures.
Sky: Typical.
Y/N: Obviously
Scarlett: You can only shut it down here.
Shawn: That's just down the hall!
Jasmine: Good job, Scarlett!
Y/N: Uh Guys? You might wanna see this.
[Everyone gasp as they see a room of multiple Chris']
Sky: Well, this is a new level of creepy.
Scarlett: Hope you like it. It's the last thing you'll ever see!
[powering up]
Sugar: This is worse than the time my uncle built a robot army by taping photos of his face to donkeys wrapped in tinfoil!
[Confessional]
Shawn: This is hard to admit, but I really wanna meet Sugar's family.
Y/N: Sugar's Family sure sound weird but then again it's Sugar
[Confessional Ends]
Promo-Bots: Total. Drama. Drama. [robotic laughter]
Jasmine: It's like an army of zombies!
Shawn: Z-Z-Zombies!
Shawn: Yahh!
[Shawn start demolishing the promo-bots]
Shawn: Headshot, headshot, headshot!
Y/N: Jeez, Shawn's tearing them a new one
[Confessional]
Sky: I should be scared, but something bout watching Chris getting demolished over and over is so... therapeutic.
Jasmine: There comes a time in every girl's life when she has to stop whining about her boyfriend's zombie obsession and accept that she has odd taste in men. This is that time.
Y/N: Note to self Steer Clear of Shawn
[Confessional Ends]
Promo-Bot: Total! Total. Total... [powers down]
Shawn: [panting]
Chris: Guys! You're not gonna believe this! Hey! What did you do to my promo-bots?!
Sky: Uh, promo-bots?
Chris: How do you think I did the promotion tours for the show? You think I went to all those malls myself?
Jasmine: Kind of violent for promo-bots.
Chris: They gotta defend themselves. Do you have any idea what the average Total Dama fan is like? Do you?!
Sugar: Well, maybe you should've been down here helping instead of sipping cup-o-kinos.
Chris: First off, I'm onto smoothies now. [sips] Secondly, I don't like your tone. And thirdly, thirdly, dang, I had something for this. It was a big one, too. Um, uh...
Max: [screams]
[robotic roar]
Max: [groans]
[Scuba Bear shuts down]
Y/N: Phew
Chris: Right, thirdly! Scarlett is taking control of the island and is gonna kill everyone if I don't give her the million! Side note, I am not giving her the million.
Jasmine: What?
Sky: Then what are we gonna do?
Y/N: Scarlett, please. Don't do--
[The screen from the control room comes on]
Scarlett: Attention, vermin. Either Chris brings me the million, or everyone gets eliminated. Permanently! You have...
Automated Voice: Four minutes and counting.
Scarlett: That is all.
[The screen goes off]
Sky: Chris, she won't budge.
Chris: You're right. Chef, move us to a safe distance. She's gonna blow.
Sky: What?
Jasmine: You can't just let us die!
Chris: Um, yeah. You all signed a release. One million bucks is a lot of cash.
[all arguing]
[airhorn blares]
Chris: Zip it! Just wanted to do that one last time. Later, guys!
Y/N: Ugh, He just pisses me off so much
Max: Aha! I have an idea. Quick, someone think of something!
Y/N: Seriously, that's your idea?
Sugar: No, he's right!
Sky: What can we do? Chris isn't coming. No Chris means-- [gasps] That's it. I'll be right back.
[After Sky comes up with her Idea, The main screen in the control room comes on]
Promo-Bot: Right here. Now.
Scarlett: So. You finally came to your senses.
Promo-Bot: I Total. Drotal. Did.
Scarlett: It was just a matter of time before I knew you decided to pay up. [Chris is revealed to be Max the remains holding a promo bot]Ah!
Max: Ha! I tricked you! Now who's more evil?
[The promo bot's head falls off]
Scarlett: [hisses]
Max: Help me.
[Sugar Barges in and attacks Scarlett and ties her up]
Shawn: Uh, nice job, Sugar.
Automated Voice: Self-destruct in ten... nine... eight... seven...
Y/N: Let me try, What do I do?!
Jasmine: Ctrl-alt-delete?
Y/N: Okay then Ctrl-alt-delete
Automated Voice: Four... three... two... one...
Y/N: Here goes nothing, and there
Automated Voice: Self-destruct terminated.
Scarlett: Aw...
Sky: Wow.
Y/N: No need for your praise, I'm just glad were safe
Chris: Guys, before you all die, I just wanted to say that-- oh! Whoa! You took down Scarlett. Nice! Way better than dying, am I right?
Jasmine: Yes! No thanks to you!
Max: We're just lucky these robots are cursed with your ugly mug or we-- [Gets Electrocuted] Ah!
Chris: Not the computer!
Automated Voice: Island Sector A. Combustion initiated. Island Sector B. Cryo-activation completed.
Chris: Great.
[At the elimination ceremony]
Chris: I know I normally hand these out to those who are not being eliminated, but today, I feel a special ceremony is called for. You are so eliminated. You're more eliminated than anyone's ever been eliminated. Even that beatbox guy! The whole island's a freak show!
Max: Yes, away with her! It's a shabby sidekick that tries to usurp her master. I am the only true evil on this island. And soon it will be mine! [evil laughter]
Chris: Yeah, I'm done with evil for now.
Max: [laughing] [gasps] Inconceivable!
Y/N: Thank God.
[Cut to Scarlett and Max in the cannon of shame]
Scarlett: No! Please don't send me away with him! Anyone but him! [echoes]
Max: [muffled scream]
Chris: Well, we almost tested the Big Bang theory. But at least everything's back to normal. Tune in next week to see who stays in the gang, and who goes bang. Here, on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!