She could still feel his lips against hers. Which was insane. He had kissed her last night, it was insane to think she could still feel his lips pressed hard into hers. He had kissed her and her brain hadn't bothered shutting up since then. It hadn't shut up when they cuddled while watching the rest of the movie in complete silence, or when they had talked about really random things that didn't matter and it had gotten really loud when he had gently kissed her goodnight.
He had kissed her. Actually, completely kissed her in a way that he had never kissed her before, in a way no one had ever kissed her before. She could still feel his large, calloused hands against her body, holding her boob in his hand, the muscles flexing and relaxing. He had kissed her. He had actually kissed her and groped her and she wasn't sure what any of it meant anymore. He had wanted her, she had felt it in the kiss and she had actually felt it. Derek Shepherd had wanted her and she had no idea exactly what it was. Because she knew Derek hadn't had sex since the time they had been drunk the year before. But yesterday he had definitely wanted her and there had been something else, something in the way he whispered that she was beautiful.
That was the other thing she couldn't get out of her head. Every time she closed her eyes, she heard him, saw him whispering that she was beautiful. His eyes had been...shining or something. Like she was actually beautiful or something, like he actually was amazed by her and she was pretty sure no one had ever thought that. No one had ever whispered she was beautiful in the admiring way Derek did.
She wanted to believe it. She had loved him for so long, so deeply and so long, she could barely remember a time when she didn't love him. Which she knew was insane because she hadn't even known him that long but still, it felt that way. And now he was saying things like she was beautiful and kissing her like that and she wanted to fall into it and believe it all. But it wasn't...he was Derek. He was Derek and he had a dead wife and a dead daughter and sometimes, she still had nightmares, bad ones. Really bad ones that she had to bring him down from. And he hated driving in the rain. And her friends still said he was an asshole at work. So this might not be real. This could be a mess and she was about to get into it. But he said she was beautiful. Which had to mean something because he had never talked to her like that before, he had never looked at her like that before and he definitely hadn't kissed her like that. That kiss had been completely different and it meant something. She just wasn't sure what. Which is why her head refused to shut up now and she really had to talk to someone, which sucked when her best friend was out of the question.
Meredith was supposed to be able to talk to him about everything, and usually she did. But this was about him. This was about the way he was looking at her, the softness in his eyes and the way he had kissed her good morning, his hand playing on her stomach before he had moved out of bed to make breakfast. And the way he had kissed her and told her she was beautiful as she was leaving. She couldn't talk to him about this. Which kind of made her list really short. Because if she talked to Izzie she would just get groans about how Derek was an asshole so it didn't matter. Alex would tell her he wasn't a chick or an ovarian sister or whatever. George would try and end up suggesting nothing. And Cristina would call Derek and ass and not want to talk about the girly stuff. Not being able to talk to Derek left Lexie. That would be weird. Lexie was Mark's girlfriend. And Mark was Derek's brother so there was a chance Lexie would tell Mark and then Mark would tell Derek and then Derek...she wasn't sure what Derek would say. This was bad. Really, really bad. But she had to talk to someone. Which was why she had snuck into the hospital and was now keeping sunglasses on as she walked through the halls, hoping Derek wouldn't see her.
"Meredith?" her sister's voice came from down the hallway.
"Lex!" Meredith gasped, turning quickly. "Lex! Is...is Derek here? Is Mark around?"
"Mark just scrubbed in," Lexie shrugged. "I don't know where Derek is. Why are you wearing sunglasses?"
"I'm hiding," Meredith looked around and then grabbed Lexie's arm, pulling her through a nearby door. Closet. This was definitely a supply closet or something.
"Oh," Lexie smiled. "Who are we hiding from?"
"Derek."
"Why are we hiding from Derek?"
"Because....because he's Derek and Dereky and he said things and did things and...am I beautiful?"
"Of course you are," Lexie grinned. "I love your hair."
"That's...it's weird. It's weird and you saying that is...I mean, you're a girl and not a guy. You're not a guy and...Mark doesn't think I'm beautiful, right?"
"Well...he says you're hot," Lexie shrugged. "But I hit him when he says that."
"Derek...Derek kissed me," Meredith gasped.
"He kisses you all the time."
"No, Lex. No. He kissed me. Actually kissed me. With tongue and hands and...he touched my boob. He's never done that and...he kissed me. Really kissed me and he said he likes it and he wants to do it more. He wants to do it a lot, because I'm beautiful or something. He said I was beautiful like...a thousand times or not a thousand but he said I'm beautiful and...he said I'm beautiful and he kissed me."
"Oh Mer..." Lexie breathed.
"He kissed me, Lexie! He kissed me and he had an erection...an actual, he's huge, did I ever tell you that? He's big and he had an erection and he wanted to...do things. I think he wanted to do things and I think he wanted to have sex with me and he wanted me and...his hand was on my boob! And this morning, his hand was on my stomach and...he said he wants to kiss me. And that I was beautiful."
"Well it's about time."
"Wh....no, Lex," Meredith shook her head as she started pacing the small closet. "No. No, it's not about time because his family is dead. Dead family, Lexie. Which is worse than my crazy family and he's...he has a dead family and he's been a mess. He's been a mess and I know I'm in love with him but he's...he doesn't have to be in love with me, Lex. He doesn't have to and he doesn't have..."
"Wh...he could be, Mer. Or...he could be and what if he is?"
"He can't be. It's not possible.
"Why not?"
"Because...I asked him what was going on and he said he didn't know. He doesn't know and...I love kissing him. He kisses me and it feels amazing and his hands feel amazing and hearing I'm beautiful is actually kind of nice, or really nice but...he doesn't know. He doesn't know."
"Of course he doesn't know, Mer," Lexie sighed. "I think you should probably breathe."
"What?"
"Breathe. Because if you don't....you'll need Derek and then you'll have to tell Derek why you freaked out and he'd feel really bad."
"I don't want him to feel bad, Lex. I don't."
"So breathe."
"I'm breathing."
"Okay but you're kind of not."
"Lex," Meredith groaned. "I need to know what to do. Because this...I want to go with this. I want to kiss him and I want him to tell me I'm beautiful. I want to see...but I can't do this. I can't do this."
"Why not?"
"Because kissing him and letting him touch my boob? That's...I love him. I love him, Lexie."
"I know you do. You've loved him forever."
"I do. I love him. I love...and I can't just sit here waiting if he's going to kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful. That's like...it's a lie, Lex. It's a lie."
"Or else it's him figuring things out," Lexie murmured. "Finally."
"What if it's not?"
"What if it is?"
"What if it's not?"
"What if it is?"
"Okay, maybe it is but it takes...ten years."
"Ten years? What?"
"Ten years."
"Okay, Mer, I get that you're my big sister and I should just understand what you're talking about but what exactly are you talking about?"
"Derek..." Meredith took a deep breath as she chewed on her lower lip. "He said he didn't know where he was going to be in ten years. Ten years, Lex. This could take ten years."
"Okay but...maybe he just picked a random number?"
"Or maybe he really thinks he's not going to be ready for ten years and I'll be forty and still in love with my best friend who, by the way, likes to kiss me and thinks I'm beautiful."
"Or maybe he's already falling for you," Lexie whispered.
"He...Lex..."
"Meredith, you two have always been...special. That's...only word I can think of."
"Special?" Meredith giggled, the sound catching in her throat.
"You've never been normal best friends," Lexie shrugged.
"I...I know."
"Mark and I...I mean, I probably shouldn't say this because it's supposed to be top secret boyfriend and girlfriend talk but I think...I think we've known this was going to happen all along."
"You...what...seriously?"
"Seriously. The way you two are..."
"You and Mark...you never said...you guys have talked about this? About me and Derek..."
"Of course we have. He's Derek's brother. You're my sister."
"But...Mark knows I'm in love with Derek?"
"I haven't told him," Lexie denied quickly. "I just...he knows becuae...I didn't tell him that."
"How...how does he know?"
"Everyone knows."
"Everyone...who? Who is everyone?"
"Everyone, Mer. Or I mean...me and Mark and Sophie and Brian and...Mom, not my mom, Derek's mom. We know."
"I know Derek's mom knows. I know that."
"We...you're attached at the hip, you're always together and you make each other happy and you're always kissing and touching and you tell each other things that you don't tell anyone else and the way you look at him..."
"Do...do you think he knows?" Meredith breathed, her eyes wide.
"Oh no," Lexie shook her head quickly. "He's clueless."
"Oh. Good. That's good. That's really good."
"But I think...I think he's falling for you too."
"Lexie....I have to know. I can't...I couldn't sleep last night. He slept and he had his arms around me and his hand was on my hip and...I couldn't sleep because he thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm beautiful. And I'm not this girl. I'm not this girl who can't sleep because a guy thinks she's beautiful. It's stupid. Stupid to...but I can't just...he thinks I'm beautiful."
"His...he's a mess, Mer," Lexie sighed.
"I know. I know."
"This is...Mark says he's not in love with Amy anymore."
"No...no."
"That...that's huge," Lexie breathed.
"He...he packed away her stuff but...he didn't tell me...what do you mean he's not in love with her? She's his wife."
"He doesn't think of her that way anymore," Lexie murmured. "I mean, god I'm not supposed to tell you this and you can't tell Mark because this is top secret stuff but he...he told Mark that he loves Amy and he always will but she's his past."
"Oh..." Meredith breathed, her body suddenly shaking and her head spinning. "Oh."
"And that's so huge," Lexie said quickly. "It's new and huge and it's a good step."
"I...yeah. I...I have to get back to work."
"Meredith, no," Lexie said quickly. "We...you need to talk this out."
"There's nothing..." she shook her head. "I...do you want to go to Joe's? Tonight? We can go to Joe's and drink tequila and...boys. We can look at boys and...do you want to go to Joe's?"
"No. I want to talk now."
"Lexie."
"Meredith."
"I'm in love with him. I'm in love with him."
"I know you are."
"And I don't know...I don't know how to do this. This isn't me, I'm not this girl and I don't even know if I want to be this girl."
"Do you want to be with him?"
"I...yes."
"Than you do it," Lexie nodded.
"Do you...did Mark say how long he thinks..."
"No but I don't...he thinks you're beautiful."
"He thinks I'm beautiful," Meredith breathed.
"That...that is so amazing."
"He...he said it again today and the way his eyes...I've never seen his eyes do that, Lex."
"That's something."
"I want him...I love him."
"I know so you should...I think he's getting there."
"I hope so."
"He likes kissing you."
"He loves kissing me."
"That...that says a lot."
"I don't...it came suddenly, Lex. It came like...fast."
"What?"
"He wasn't like this. He didn't kiss me like that and then yesterday...it was sudden, Lex."
"But it's not like he's never kissed you before. It's not like he didn't....look at you."
"Not like that. Not like that."
"He looked at you."
"No, Lex, you didn't see him. You didn't see how he looked at me."
"So go with that," Lexie smiled.
"Go...go with it?"
"Go with it...at his pace."
"Go with...with what exactly?"
"With whatever happens."
"Okay."
"He has a lot to figure out," Lexie sighed.
"I know. I know."
"He's...he is doing so much better than when he came here."
"I know," Meredith giggled breathlessly. "He's...he's a completely different person. And I love him."
"I know you do. I think...give him time and he'll love you too."
"I hope so."
"I think so."
"I...okay," Meredith breathed, slipping her sunglasses back on. "I have to get back to the practice."
"You should go to his office and say hi," Lexie suggested.
"I...really?"
"Yeah," Lexie grinned. "You know you want to see him and seeing you...he always seems happier on days you stop in to say hi."
"I...I can say hi to him."
"He's probably freaking out and could use his best friend."
"You...you think he's freaking out?"
"In the last few weeks he fell out of love with his wife...and started falling for his best friend."
"We don't actually know if he's falling for me," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'm going to go see him."
"Good," Lexie smiled.
"Thanks, Lex."
"It's what I do," Lexie shrugged. "Just give him time. You both just need some time."
"I know," Meredith murmured as she slipped out of the supply closet and started walking towards Derek's office, her head spinning. Derek wasn't in love with Amy anymore. He wasn't in love with his wife which was kind of huge and amazing. And he was kissing her. He was kissing her and touching her and looking at her...and he wasn't in love with his wife anymore. Which made her head hurt. This was even bigger than she thought because if he was in love with Amy, he couldn't be in love with her. It just wasn't how it worked. But if he wasn't in love with Amy, he could be in love with her. Which he wasn't because that was insane and her head throbbed at the thought. She shouldn't even going to see him but Lexie had suggested it and she couldn't imagine not saying hi.
She took a deep breath as she knocked at the door of his office and then poked her head in. "Der?"
"Yeah," he looked up and then smiled widely. "I didn't expect you today."
"I...I was here and...I wanted to say hi and...hi," she breathed.
"Are you coming in?"
"Oh...yeah," she giggled, moving into his office.
"How's it going?"
"Good. It's...it's good. I just...break from appointments and...how are you?"
"Horrible," he groaned. "Paper work."
"Oh. No surgeries?"
"Unless an emergency comes in...no," he sighed.
"Poor Derek," she giggled.
"I really wanted to cut," he frowned. "No laughing at me."
"No stealing cases?"
"I hate doing that."
"Oh sorry," she rolled her eyes, chewing on her lower lip.
"It's dirty, isn't it?" he asked, getting up from his chair to come to the other side of his desk.
"Stealing...stealing surgeries?"
"Yeah."
"I...I guess. Yeah."
"Hmm..." he nodded. "Your day going well?"
"Yeah. It's been slow."
"Slow's a nice break."
"I know. I don't think kids are actually sick right now. Because school is almost done and...they don't have to fake anymore. Not that my patients fake, I don't think they do, not at all the time anyway but..."
"You're rambling," he smiled softly.
"Yeah," she blushed.
"It's just me."
"I know."
"I know things are...but we can't like that."
"Things are...what?" she murmured.
"Different."
"Oh," she nodded.
"I..." he sighed. "You look good today."
"Oh," she giggled, her cheeks heating again. "Thanks. You...you do too."
"I'm wearing scrubs," he laughed.
"Your hair looks very nice."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Mom wants us to stop in some time soon to see Brianna."
"Did she ask Sophie? Because I'm pretty sure Sophie doesn't want visitors."
"With my mom...you never actually know."
"Poor Soph," she giggled as she took a step towards him.
"We'll call her and see what she wants."
"Good idea."
"Hmmm..." he nodded.
"I...Derek," she breathed, taking another step to him, suddenly wanting to kiss him. Because he wasn't in love with his wife anymore. And he thought she was beautiful.
"Meredith..." he murmured.
"Yeah?"
"Nothing..." he breathed. "Just nothing."
"Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you...can I...or...unless you don't want to anymore. If you don't want to anymore that's okay. I get it but if you do...because I do. I know things are different but I still want to and...will you..."
"Okay, Mer, I usually can understand your rambles but that didn't make any sense."
"Will you kiss me?"
"I'd love to," he murmured.
"Oh," she breathed, moving to stand in between his spread legs.
"Hmmm..." he groaned, ducking his head down to kiss her softly.
"Derek," she whimpered slightly as she looped her arms around his neck, her fingers tangling in the curls at the nape of his neck as she deepened the kiss, her heart speeding up for a moment. This was...he might not want the tongue thing today. He might want...well, he apparently wanted the tongue thing because he was definitely kissing her like...that again.
"Oh..." he gasped, his grip around her waist tightening.
"Der...Derek..."
"Mer..."
"Breathing," she giggled, pulling away from him, her lips tingling as her chest pleaded for oxygen. "Need...I need to breathe."
"Oh," he laughed softly. "Sorry."
"It's okay," she murmured, leaning her forehead against his.
"I...get caught up," he whispered.
"Me too."
"Good."
"Good," she breathed, pressing her lips to his again as both of her hands moved to his hair.
"Mer..." he groaned, immediately deepening the kiss.
"Hmmm?" she breathed as their tongues danced together and she pushed him harder against his desk.
"We..." he murmured. "Oh."
"I...do you want me to stop?" Meredith's cheeks reddened. Pushing, she was pushing.
"No."
"Oh."
"It...I love kissing you," he murmured.
"I love...I love kissing you too."
"That's...that's good."
"Yeah."
"I'm glad you came to say hi."
"You are?"
"Definitely."
"Good," she giggled, kissing him lightly again. "Me too."
"Good."
"I should probably head back to work."
"Okay," he nodded. "Coming over tonight?"
"Hmmm," she nodded.
"Hmmm?"
"Yeah. I'm coming over tonight."
"Good."
"What time will you be home?"
"Around six. But you can let yourself in."
"Okay," she smiled as she started to back away from him.
"Hey," he protested, grabbing for her arm. "Say goodbye."
"Goodbye," she giggled.
"You're so funny," he rolled his eyes.
"I have no idea what you mean."
"I think you do."
"You want a kiss?" Meredith breathed.
"Yeah."
"So demanding," she giggled breathlessly as she leaned forward to kiss him again, softly at first and then a little bit harder when she felt his erection against her thigh.
"So amazing," he breathed against her lips, running his hands along the sides of her waist.
"I have to go to work, Der," she whispered as she pulled back but stayed close to him, amazed by how shaky she suddenly felt.
"I know you do," he murmured.
"That was your kiss goodbye."
"I know."
"I...I don't want to leave."
"I don't want you to leave."
"I'll...I'll see you tonight," she whispered, taking another shaky step back.
"Definitely," he nodded.
"Have fun...paperwork and stuff."
"I'll try," he rolled his eyes.
"Bye, Derek."
"Bye, Meredith."
She smiled at him and then quickly backed out of his ofice, leaning against the closed door the second she shut it behind her. He hadn't said the beautiful thing again, but he had kissed her. He had really kissed her and his body...he had definitely had an erection. He had wanted her which was...she wasn't sure what it was. Except he wasn't in love with his wife anymore, and he wanted her.