Chapter 9
When Things Got Rocky
"I'd rather you'd be mean than love and lie. I'd rather hear the truth than have to say goodbye. I'd rather take a blow, at least then I would know. But baby, DON'T YOU BREAK MY HEART SLOW"
~
Luke's POV
Brandon pinned me through the hospital corridor wall – he literally did - the moment he took sight of me, saying those unfriendly, almost like we've-never-been-friends words, "If something bad happens to Lily, YOU'RE DEAD. Hear that Thompson? You're dead." He doesn't even let me explain my side or ask first, what really happened.
I didn't even know what those medicines Lily took earlier were for. What's even worse – no, it's the worst - was he looked at my mom like some kind of a monster. He totally lost respect for my mother, he didn't say anything, yet his eyes speak for him, he looks like cursing my mom at the back of his mind, that filthy discourteous jerk! I never looked at my mom like that; it means nobody in this entire universe could look at my mother that way. I am someone who can put himself up properly, I can control my impulses as hard as I could, but when it comes to protecting the ones I love, that's when I lost my patience. Brandon definitely reached the limit.
"Don't you dare look at my mother like that Tomlinson!" then I pushed him with both of my hands real hard. He stumbled, still keeping that furious look on me. "We both don't expect this to happen!"
"YOU don't expect this to happen, because you don't know her illness!" he shouts back.
Well of course I don't. I mean, how will I know? How will I know about her illness?
Wait.
She's ill? Lily was ill. That's when the realization hit me, I calmed down so as Brandon. He squats at the floor, scraping his shaky hands through his hair - breathing unsteady. "I-I am sorry Mrs. Thompson." He breathes out, gesturing his apologies to my mom. He obviously didn't know what to do, he's worried, seriously worried. Lily was really important for him, anybody can see it in him – through his eyes and the way he rushed here in the hospital on his pajamas, with no shoes on. I held my mom, rubbing her arm with my hand as I let her sit on the steel chair, waiting for the doctor's news.
Lily's family came as well, asking us what happened, with those worried look Brandon had earlier – and still had. I told them the story – that Lily drank beer and had too much of it. There's no room for defending myself, I know I was somehow wrong even if I tried to stop her. But we had no time on blaming who's wrong either. Lily's safety was all we've been praying that time.
I still had no clue what was Lily's real condition, until the doctor came out. She's safe. She didn't die now. Now. A single word that gives me a complete explanation about everything.
Lily's dying.
She was ill.
And she's lucky- her family and friends are lucky - , now was not her time.
I didn't know what to do anymore. I don't know what's right. The picture of Brandon almost like ready to give his own life just for Lily to be safe gives me a tingly feeling. I thought about El, maybe this was the reason she went to me, asking help. She wanted me to keep Lily away from Brandon and so I did, no questions asked. Not because I am heartless but because I actually have a heart, for Eleanor. I saw pain in El's eyes and she, the good-hearted girl I know, the girl I wished was mine, doesn't deserve to be treated like that – to be secondly needed.
Now that I can't have her, what I can just do is to protect her from getting hurt. That's what I instantly thought of, that night, when she went at my house ,before her squad leave for their competition. I thought this might be a good opportunity for me to prevent her from hurting. My action right then was selfless. I didn't heed for what I feel, all I know is I wanted her to be happy, to be the only girl in Brandon's eyes. That's why I came for Lily, I tried to take her attention away from Brandon.
But still, the hurting-El-part happened, just now. Brandon didn't even give a tad effort for Eleanor. He was too much occupied by Lily's condition, not caring about El's arrival. She was waiting for him in the airport – a thing, a boyfriend shouldn't ever forget. He must be missing her, he must be excited to finally see her again. But what he did was to ask me to go fetch his girlfriend because he doesn't feel like going anywhere far from his best friend. Good boyfriend, isn't?
Damn! I think I can curse him in all languages possible for hurting El.
"Why didn't you tell me about her illness El" I asked her in my most calm voice, but I'm sure she heard more than being calm – there was anxiety, a totally different emotion from what I planned to show. I took a sip of my macchiato, waiting for her answer, heart banging on my chest. My heart seemed to overpower the sounds of chattering inside the café – I don't even know why it's like this. Am I nervous? Or it's just that I've never been in as awkward situation as this with her before. With awkward, I meant serious. Whenever I'm with El, I always try to lighten up the mood. We were always laughing like children, innocent from the problems of the world, but I guess now is not the right time to laugh.
"I –" she sighed, looking uncertain, fidgeting her fingers at the hem of her varsity jacket's sleeve. "- I don't want to, Luke" she said, almost inaudible.
I creased my brows at her unclear answer. What does she mean she doesn't want to?
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want to tell you, because I don't want you to pity her. I thought that maybe, if I was the only one you know was hurting, you'll do anything for me. And that's what you did, Luke. I thank you for that" her eyelids fluttered, she looked at me sadly, full of hurt. "But I guess, this is enough. Having you here in front of me, instead of him, was enough to make me see that Lily's more important for him... than me" she whispered the last words.
I don't understand what I'm feeling right now, it's a clash of different emotions. Of pity, and fury, and helplessness and heartbreak and... and... I just wanted to hug her. I wanted to tell her, in that very moment, that she doesn't need to feel this way, she doesn't need to be treated this way. The urge of telling her what I feel for her was so strong yet so out of place. I wish I could make her realize that there's someone else who could love her the way she deserve to be but it breaks me to see that she, obviously, won't listen to me. All she wanted now was Brandon, his attention, his love. Confessing my forever hidden love for her was not the best thing to do right now but I feel like doing it so she would know that...
My words came rushing like a wind. "You're right, you need to realize that you're not the most important person for him... but -- " I hurt her. It came to her like sharp knives stabbing her already painful heart.
She stood there in front of me whilst on the verge of crying. She said NO - a single word that was covered with too many sad things. Then she run away just before I was about to finish my sentence. Just before I was able to say what I have to say – My point. "But to me, you are."
You are the most important person to me El. Please, realize that.
~
ELEANOR'S POV
The person you are trying to call is not available right now. Please leave a message after the beat... *toooot. Tooooot*
[Hey Babe! It's me, El. Of course. Well, I'm wondering if you could meet me up tomorrow in our favorite restaurant down town? I reserved a dinner for us. You know...To...catch things up? I'll be waiting. By the way, thanks for sending Luke to fetch me.........I.....*sigh*...love you] I pressed end, mentally slapping myself for leaving that awful sounding message. Was it even appropriate for me to leave a message, or better yet invite him for a dinner? Well of course you can do that Eleanor, you're his girlfriend. A voice at the back of my head told me.
I sighed, leaning my back on my bed's head board. I thought about what happened this afternoon at the café. It came to me, again, like horrible flashbacks – or nightmares – in my case, afternoon mares?
I run away. My feet seemed to have its own mentality, pushing me to just run far away from the painful reality. I didn't expect Luke to be as bold as that to me, for the first time someone put the things I feared the most into words. Audible words that cuts through me. Now I don't have a reason to keep myself blinded. It has been said – the painful truth. I wish this was all just a big joke, but it's definitely not. And I hate it. Not Luke, but the words that came out of his mouth.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to blame Lily, I wanted to hate her for doing nothing. Yes, she did nothing yet she effortlessly took those things I care about – the ones I love. I know I'm somehow over reacting but when you're hurt, you'll know what I mean. You'd just want to pull her hair off until she cries and begs for you to stop. Ugh! I hate her.
And I hate me...
...For hating Lily so bad and for still acting like I am the stronger one in front of everyone – except for Luke. He's the only one who saw me in that state a while ago in the café. But what can I do? I just can't take it anymore.
I don't know why I waited for this to happen, I should've escaped the moment I saw those red flags in the beginning. I don't know why I waited until it hurts so badly, I should've saved myself and moved on a long time ago. I knew this scenario (of my boyfriend having a very important best friend who came into his life earlier than me) would hurt me, but I still tried, I still gave my trust. Because I thought he wouldn't break his promises.
And now, I am still giving out a chance even if he wasted a lot of it. I am letting him take me and all that I can give for granted. Simply like, being stupid. Call me anything you want....
But I love him.
And tomorrow's going to be his another chance to fix things up between us. Brandon, just say you're sorry and you love me more than her, then I'll be fine...I'll be fine.
~
The receptionist gave me her familiar smile before leading me to my reserved table. I smiled back, just like before - like nothing is wrong. As I wandered my eyes all over the restaurant I felt my chest tightened – feeling the pain that I learned to hide all this time - as I force myself to be happy, to look okay, and be stoked for seeing my boyfriend after a very long time.
"Thank you" I nodded, flashing again my everything-is-okay-smile. The receptionist vanished, leaving me alone, waiting for Brandon, unsure if he's really coming.
This wonderful place reminds me so much of my happy memories with Brandon. I used to be happy whenever I am here with him, we were in our own lovely world, swathing all the worries around us. When I am here, I was the happiest Eleanor. I was...A past tense that frightens the hell out of me.
I honestly considered the worst for tonight. I considered myself ending up in a club nearby, drowning myself with alcohol or maybe, asking Luke to fetch me and let me eat his unlimited supply of vanilla Ice cream and Nutella at home. The second option was, I think, better and safer but before I even convinced myself of losing my perfect cheerleader figure, Brandon came.
"Hey.." he half-smiled, giving me a peck on my cheeks.
"Hi." I answered trying to sound as nonchalant as possible but I know it came out like I was about to cry. I thought his presence would make me feel better, but it didn't. The moment I saw his typically happy eyes without any life in it – it was dull, unloving, and cold – all of my hopes of fixing whatever is broken in our relationship crashed.
"So...what do you want to talk about?" he asked, sounding too casual – like a stranger. I looked at him as he settled on the wooden chair, wondering if this guy in front of me is really my Brandon. My chest tightened but I still tried to calm down, searching for words to start a good conversation.
"H-How's L- Lily..." I didn't expect myself to say those words but I feel like it's the only thing he wanted to talk about. "I-is she okay?"
"Well" he sighed, opening his palms in an awkward manner. "...obviously, she's not"
"I..."
"We both know she's not okay...so just leave her alone" he snapped. Now the thing I thought would make me a better girlfriend, or even a better person, to him just makes it worse.
"I was just trying to be nice, Brandon" I tried to explain, calmly.
"Trying to be nice? Look Eleanor, if you really wanted to talk about her condition why don't you just go to the hospital and not meet me in this fancy place... but I am pretty sure that it is not your reason. I know you have your own selfish motive. So, spill it"
Then it hit me. His words are like daggers, killing me in an instant. I knew I never liked Lily, didn't even tried to, I knew I never tried to understand her situation – her illness – but I had my own reasons. I suddenly felt like I was being selfish all this time. I guess, it only takes Brandon to say it to me directly to make me realize all my wrong doings or in my case, feelings.
But...
Was it wrong to feel very protective to the only thing that makes you happy? Am I really being selfish?
"H-hey...babe. Don't Cry. I am sorry, love. I didn't mean to make it sound that way." His voice suddenly became gentle.
"Yeah you did. You meant it. And I guess you're right" now I totally lost my composure, tears are streaming down my face. I sighed roughly, trying my best to stop the stupid tears. I said I won't cry. I said I'll be happy tonight... I thought everything's going to be okay tonight. "...I shouldn't be asking about her condition because I obviously can't do anything about it and I can't do anything about you, too." I was surprised with the way I said the last words, it has a tad tone of annoyance.
"What are you trying to say" he frowned.
"Well." I sighed, bracing myself for the next drama. I knew that if I spill it, everything will change. He will realize something he tried so hard to hide since day one.But I have to make him aware about this. "You are unconsciously giving your best friend a thing that you aren't allowed to give, Brandon." I continued.
"What?" he said, doubtfully.
"You're..." for a fraction of second I hesitated to continue.
"I am what."
"...In love with her" I almost whispered, tears threatening to drop again.
"What the hell are you saying, El" his voice hovered across the restaurant, making the other diners look our way.
"I can't do this anymore Brandon. Let's – let's just talk some other time I guess" I stand up abruptly, before we could destroy the peaceful night in this restaurant.
I walked as fast as I could to the parking lot, as my flood gates opened uncontrollably. I wish I could just disappear and erase this evening in our story.
"El! El!" he shouted behind me. My footsteps are now becoming faster, as fast as my heart is pounding. "...listen to me!" he still managed to grab my arm which stopped me from walking.
"I don't want to listen to you anymore, Brandon. I don't want to believe in your stupid promises and watch them break slowly along with my hopes. Please, let me go..." I said, looking away, shaking my arm to get off of his grip. I don't want to look him in the eyes and believe in everything and be hypnotized by it again.
"No. I am not letting you go because we're not finished yet!"
"You're right." I nodded. "WE are not finished yet, but what you're doing is worse than ending this relationship!" I snapped, looking at him furiously. "You are breaking things slowly...and that's what hurts me the most!"
"What do you want me to do then?" he said giving me that look. The look when he wanted me to understand that he needs to seat with his best friend Lily, who happen to be new at school and have no other friends, leaving me alone with my other friends, completely forgetting about his promise of having lunch with me. The look when he wanted me to understand how important Lily is to him. The look that kills every bit of me but I still tried my hardest to understand.
But this time, NO. I don't want to understand him anymore. I honestly cannot comprehend why he needs to keep on doing this to me - giving me love, just to slowly take it away.
"You choose between us. Brandon. " I sighed roughly. I never wanted to do this but I guess this is the only way to make things clear. He doesn't respond, he just gave me a very confused look.
"You are being so unfair Eleanor." He shook his head, as he loosen his grip on my arms.
"I know...but I can't stay feeling secondly needed all the time Brandon. I can't do this anymore"
"You don't understand El"
"YOU don't understand how hard I tried to understand, Brandon. Now choose. Lily or me?" there's a lump in my throat as I said those words. I know I'm just hurting myself, but I need to face it – the truth, the painful truth.
"Lily is..." he almost whispered.
"What Brandon? Your best friend?! The most important person in your life?! The one who's been there with you all the time? WHAT ABOUT ME BRANDON? What about me!"
"What the hell! Stop being such a selfish brat!" he lectured me as though I am the one who's wrong here.
"Well I AM SORRY BRANDON! Because this selfish brat just happen to be your GIRLFRIEND !" I continued, my hands are shaking.
I looked at his eyes and all I can see now is confusion, a total confusion.
I shook my head. "You clearly cannot choose me over her. You're going choose Lily, aren't you?" I said in an undertone. My eyes are stinging with tears as the cold wind harshly penetrates my dress. I don't know why I even bothered dressing up for this night. Maybe I was expecting this night to be like those other nights we spent in this fancy place.
But all my expectations turned out to be the worst nightmare. All I could do now is to wish that everything was just a dream and then I could just wake up, swathing all the painful things away.
Unfortunately, this is now my reality.
"I am sorry..." he looked at his feet.
Those three words sounds like 'this is the end'.
I wish it was me who has the privilege of saying it. I wish I was the one who's sorry for hurting the other. I wish I was the one who left after all this time.
"I am sorry, Eleanor." His words kept on rewinding at the back of my mind. He still had the guts to hug me, how dare him. How dare him made me want his hug more and want to push him at the same time. How dare him made me fell so hard without the plan of catching me. How dare him made me feel all these crazy things.
"Don't...don't touch me!" I shook him off me, running away, making sure this time his promises of making things better won't catch me.
The rain started to pour like the end of a sad movie, the clouds cries with me.
I rummaged my purse for my car keys before I look at him for the last time. "And just in case you wanted to remember... today's our anniversary. Thanks for being such a very loving best friend Brandon. Take care of Lily"
I am letting you go... I said at the back of my mind. These are the words I can't - didn't even dared to – voice out.
I see his face in my mind as I drive away. It's not the same Brandon who approached me two years ago at the basketball gymnasium. It's not the same blue-green eyed British guy who invited me to have dinner with him for the first time. His not the same guy who sneaks in my bed room just to have a midnight snack and do random things with me. His not the same Brandon I loved and loved me more.
I never thought it was going to end this way.
"Hey Luke, Can I go at your house?"
"Yeah, sure. Where shall I fetch you?"
"I'll go by myself, just be there for me"
"Yes, El. I will be here"
~