Sophie frowned and blinked quickly as she cleared the table. She was not going to cry. It was undignified and just because she was a Shepherd sister did not mean that she had to cry at stupid things like...okay, Derek's panic attack over pork chops hadn't been stupid but it didn't mean she was going to turn into a mess. He was playing with the kids now and she was cleaning the table.
She had thought she had prepared the kids enough for this. It had been their first time seeing Uncle Derek since the funeral a year earlier and she had tried to explain to them that Aunt Amy and Sarah were in heaven and that they couldn't ask about them. That it would hurt Uncle Derek's feelings. She and Brian had talked to all of them about it, but there was no way they could have predicted Liam's completely innocent question. She knew Liam would be too young to understand that his cousin was gone. No one really understood it but he was too young to not ask about it. No one understood how her brother had been so entirely happy just a little over a year ago and now he had had his entire world ripped away and he was barely a shadow of the big brother she had always looked up to. It wasn't fair. So when Liam had looked up from his mashed potatoes and quietly asked if Sarah was going to visit from heaven, she hadn't been sure what to do. They had all frozen, all of them, and her brother's face had fallen in a way that she could only remember from the funeral. And then he had panicked, his breathing becoming sharp and shallow and Mark had gotten out of his chair so fast, he had knocked it over.
She had seen Mark and Derek being close before. Mark had sat beside his brother at the funeral and held his arm through the entire thing. And then Mark had spent two months in New York helping him but she hadn't really seen Mark rush to him that quickly, and talk to him so quietly as Derek shook and gasped for breath. She had never seen Derek quite like that.
That wasn't her Derbear. Her Derbear was strong, always strong, and he really believed that life was generally okay. So it didn't make sense for him to be shaking in her dining room and looking...weak. It wasn't how she viewed him, he was going through hell and he was still alive and....but she had never seen her brother like that. "Soph," Brian breathed as he wrapped his arms around her.
"Brian," Sophie murmured, immediately leaning into him.
"He's okay," her husband whispered into her hair. "Listen to him. He's laughing with Cam."
"I know he is," she breathed.
"He's okay."
"He's not okay."
"Can you blame him?" Brian sighed. "If I lost you and the kids..."
"I know, Bri."
"But right now..."
"He's okay right now," Sophie nodded, clinging at her husband's shirt.
"He is," Brian murmured, pressing a kiss to her curly hair.
"But he was...that...he's Derbear."
"And he still is."
"He's not...not acting like Derbear."
"Course he is, Soph. He hugged you the second he walked in."
"And then he had a panic attack."
"Sophie," Brian sighed, pulling her onto his lap as he sat down. "We knew that could happen. Mom told us how bad off he was."
"I know."
"And he fought it damn hard."
"But Derbear...he doesn't have panic attacks."
"He didn't before Amy and Sarah died"
"I...I know that."
"He's trying, Sophie."
"I know he is, Bri," Sophie murmured, letting herself curl into her husband's arms, thankful that Mark had disappeared to make a quick phone call. "He's just...knowing all of that doesn't make it easier."
"I know," he sighed.
"I just want Der to be better."
"And he's getting there," Brian said firmly. "He had two servings of pork chops. Last time we saw him...he wasn't eating."
"I know. That's...that's good."
"And he's laughing with Cam. Remember the last time we saw him?"
"I know. He never thought he'd laugh again."
"So he's getting better."
"He is."
"Sorry about that," Mark sighed as he walked back in, clipping his cell phone back to his belt.
"It's okay," Brian nodded.
"Interrupting something I don't want to see?" Mark winced.
"No, Markie," Sophie shook her head, moving off of Brian's lap. "Just talking."
"Bout Shep?"
"Yeah," Sophie nodded, resettling beside Brian.
"It's not as bad as it looks."
"I know."
"He's doing...." Mark shook his head as the sounds of Derek growling floated into the dining room.
"He's doing really good right now," Brian laughed.
"Yeah, better than I've seen him in the last month."
"It's been hard?" Sophie asked quietly.
"Hard?" Mark laughed harshly. "Neither of us are getting sleep."
"Oh Markie..."
"He's having nightmares," Mark sighed. "Wakes up in the middle of the night screaming."
"Fuck," Brian breathed.
"Panic attacks..." Mark shook his head. "He gets those a lot."
"That's...that's not Derek," Sophie shook her head.
"That's the new Derek," Mark shrugged.
"I want old Derek back."
"Sophie," Brian sighed.
"Brian, I want my brother to be happy. He was happy."
"And then his wife and daughter died," Brian shook his head. "I don't know if there's happiness after that."
"There has to be."
"You're telling me you'd be happy if me and the kids died tomorrow in a car wreck?"
"No, of course not, I'd be devastated, Bri. I'm not saying he shouldn't be sad, I'd never say that. But I don't have to like this."
"None of us like it," Mark shook his head. "But it's...that's my brother."
"I know."
"I've been trying to talk to him into taking the damn drugs..."
"What? He can't do that!" Sophie shook her head quickly.
"Soph, he might have to."
"And I accept that but not yet."
"So you can watch him have panic attacks every time he sees a damn kid at the hospital whose hurt?"
"No," Sophie shook her head. "But he's...he can't do that. He can't turn to drugs. If he does, how will he ever get better?"
"Soph, the drugs help people get better," Brian sighed.
"No, they mask things. Which is really great for people dealing with a really long depression, I get it. A few years from now, I get it. But it's been a year."
"And he's having nightmares and panic attacks."
"He's talking to someone, right?"
"He has a shrink at the hospital," Mark sighed.
"Well that's good," Sophie nodded quickly.
"Don't know how much good she's doing though."
"Is he that bad?" Sophie whispered.
"I don't know," Mark sighed. "He's better than a year ago. But a year ago, he didn't want to move."
"But better is good," Sophie nodded firmly.
"If you consider nightmares, panic attacks, and never laughing good," Mark shrugged, running his hand over his face.
"He...he doesn't laugh?" Sophie murmured, tears pricking her eyes.
"Not a lot," Mark sighed. "This is the longest I've heard him laugh in the last month.'
"Oh Derek," Sophie whispered.
"You know, Sloan, you're doing a great job of cheerin' Soph up," Brian tried to joke lamely as he rubbed his wife's back.
"He's just telling me what I need to know, Bri," Sophie breathed. "I can't help Derek if I don't know where he is."
"And I didn't exactly want you staying up all night plotting your crazy sister plans," Brian laughed.
"Crazy sister plans?" Sophie frowned.
"Not that your crazy..." Brian started and then shrugged. "Who am I kidding? You're a Shepherd sister."
"And you can stay up all night laying on the couch."
"Oh don't be mean, Soph," Mark chuckled. "He's just speaking the truth."
"The rest of them are crazy, not me."
"Huh uh," Mark and Brian both nodded as Derek walked in, panting slightly.
"Hey guys," Derek nodded.
"Hey, Shep," Mark grinned. "Having fun?"
"I am," Derek grinned slightly.
"Those kids will give you a work out," Mark nodded firmly.
"I know, it's nice."
"Do...do you need something, Derbear?" Sophie murmured, standing up quickly.
"No, I just...they want to head to the park, is that okay?"
"Yeah, that's fine," Sophie nodded. "Did Liam have his coat on? It's freezing out there."
"I'll make sure he does," Derek nodded.
"And remind them to look both ways," Sophie sighed. "You'll be with them so...but just remind them because the last thing I need right now..."
"Sophie, I know," Derek snapped slightly.
"Sorry," Sophie murmured, ducking her head down. Derek never snapped at her. She wasn't even sure Derek had snapped at her when he had been a teenager. He just...he didn't snap.
"Oh," Derek breathed, opening his arms. "Sorry, Soph."
"It's fine, Derek," she shook her head. "It's fine. Take the kids to the park."
"Can I have a hug first?"
"Yeah," Sophie whispered, curling into his arms.
"I didn't mean to snap at you. I don't snap at you."
"It's okay," she whispered into his chest. "And I'm sorry. I know you know. I'm just...being a mom."
"I know you are."
"Take the kids to the park," she smiled up at him, swatting his arm.
"Going to," he nodded, kissing her cheek quickly. "Love you, Soph."
"Love you too, Derbear."
"Okay, I'm out of here," Derek nodded, moving toward the door. "So you can talk about me now."
"We're not, Der," Sophie forced a laugh before turning towards her husband and brother. "You could have stopped me before I went on the look both ways tangent."
"You got a Derbear hug out of it," Brian shrugged.
"He snapped at me first."
"And he felt like shit after," Mark nodded. "Hell of a lot better than he treats everyone else."
"What do you mean?"
"He's an ass to everyone at work."
"I was hoping you would tell me he has made friends."
"Enemies more than friends."
"They...they hate Derbear?"
"They don't know Derbear," Mark sighed. "They know an ass that snaps at people for breathing."
"Why?" Sophie frowned. "What's wrong with him?"
"He lost his wife and daughter," Brian sighed. "And he's taking it out on everyone else."
"Okay, Kath," Sophie rolled her eyes. "That's not Derek. Derek doesn't...he doesn't do that."
"Now he does," Mark shrugged.
"That's not okay, Mark. You can't just shrug. It's not okay."
"Sophie," Brian murmured gently.
"No, Brian!" Sophie gasped. "It's not okay. It's not okay that he's yelling at people. That's not Derek."
"I know it's not but don't yell at Mark."
"I'm not yelling at Mark."
"You sounded like you wanted to."
"Well, he just shrugged like it's no big deal."
"He's also emotionally retarted."
"Hey!" Mark frowned.
"Just saying the truth."
"So he's an ass to everyone he meets?" Sophie sighed.
"Basically," Mark sighed. "Well except the blonde."
"The blonde?"
"This chick he keeps bumping into," Mark nodded. "One of the interns sisters or something."
"A girl?" Sophie smiled slightly. "He's nice to a girl?"
"Impressively nice," Mark nodded. "Old Derek."
"Who is she? What's her name? Does she work at the hospital?"
"I already said, one of the interns sisters. Her name is...it's...it starts with an M, Marianne or something. And nah, no idea what she does."
"How do you not know her name, Mark?"
"The intern's hot and she was wearing a low cut shirt when she introduced us," Mark smirked.
"Markie," Sophie shook her head, smiling slightly.
"I've been trying to get her for months and she's not biting."
"Good for her."
"Mark, we really don't need to hear about your sex life, what about this blonde?" Brian asked.
"That was lame, even for you, Thompson," Mark laughed.
"I'm sorry, I thought we were all concerned about Derek, not if you're getting some or not."
"We are concerned with Derek," Mark shrugged. "I'm just concerned about this intern."
"Mark," Sophie groaned.
"Sorry," Mark laughed.
"So he's nice to the blonde?" Sophie asked.
"He flirted with her."
"He...what?"
"He flirted with her."
"Derek flirted?"
"He held her hand," Mark shrugged, rubbed it.
"What?" Sophie demanded.
"When they shook hands, he kept holding it. And he stared at her. And smiled."
"He smiled?"
"Yeah."
"He was happy?"
"Looked it."
"I...so this blonde made him happy? How did they meet? Are they becoming friends? Does she like him?"
"They just keep running into each other all over the place," Mark shrugged. "Everywhere we go, she's there. We ran into her at the grocery store, they shook hands, she looked like she wanted to screw his brains out, and then...nothing else."
"Nothing else?"
"He freaked out and backed away."
"But at first he was smiling."
"He was smiling. Grinning actually."
"He was?" Sophie smiled.
"Haven't seen him smile like that since before..." Mark trailed off. "He likes the blonde."
"Okay," Sophie nodded. "That's great but he's not ready to date."
"I know he's not, Soph. I'm not an idiot."
"I know that but I'm just saying...there's something there?"
"I think so."
"So maybe in the future," Sophie smiled.
"Maybe," Mark shrugged.
"The real point is, he was happy," Sophie breathed.
"I really hadn't seen him like that in a hell of a long time."
"He was that happy?"
"He flirted, Soph," Mark sighed. "When was the last time you even saw him look at a woman?"
"True," Sophie nodded. "Is she pretty?"
"She's hot," Mark nodded. "Shep says she's gorgeous."
"Derek thinks she's gorgeous?" Sophie smiled widely.
"That's what he says."
"Wow."
"Mom!" the front door opened and Cameron ran in, followed by his brothers and sister and Derek. "Uncle Derek got us ice cream!"
"He did?" Sophie laughed.
"Yep," Cameron nodded, wiping his arm over his mouth that was covered with chocolate.
"I hope that's okay," Derek shrugged.
"It's fine, Der," Sophie smiled widely at him.
"Good."
"I cream, Mommy," Liam laughed as he crawled onto Sophie's lap.
"Very yummy ice cream," Sophie nodded, kissing her son's head.
"Are you done talking about me?" Derek asked as he grabbed a beer from the fridge.
"Not really but we'll pretend we are," Brian laughed.
"Thanks, Thompson," Derek rolled his eyes, falling into a chair at the table.
"We're just worried about you, Der."
"I know," he sighed, running his hands through his hair.
"But you're doing really well," Sophie smiled.
Derek looked up quickly, surprise on his face as he stared at Mark. "Yeah. Yeah."
"As well as you can be expected," Mark nodded.
"Okay."
"You are, Der," Sophie murmured.
"I know," he nodded firmly.
"Good."
"I'm...I'm doing great," Derek whispered, watching the kids climbing all over Brian.
"You are, Der," Sophie murmured, walking over to him and wrapping her arms around him.
"Hey, Soph," he smiled sadly.
"Hey."
"Thanks for dinner," he breathed.
"Don't thank me. I just wanted to see my big brother and make sure that you were eating okay."
"I'm eating fine."
"I know you are."
"A...Amy always loved your porkchops," he breathed and then shook his head quickly as he closed his eyes.
"It's okay to remember the good things," Sophie whispered, hugging him tighter.
"Not yet, Soph. Not yet."
"Okay," Sophie nodded.
"I just...I can't."
"You don't have to."
"Remembering...if I remember the good...the bad comes too."
"I know."
"I tried today."
"You did?" Sophie breathed.
"With the kids...I tried."
"And?"
"And..." Derek shook his head, running his hand shakily over his hair. "Sarah...my little girl...."
"Oh Derbear," Sophie whispered, rubbing his back. "It's okay."
"It's not," Derek murmured, staring at his beer.
"I know but it's what I'm supposed to say."
"Hmmm," he nodded, looking up quickly. "Mark?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we...I have an early surgery."
"Oh..yeah, of course," Mark nodded.
"Thanks," Derek whispered, standing up quickly.
"Thanks for coming," Sophie grinned. "Maybe...hike or something sometime this week? Just us?"
"Yeah," Derek smiled sadly. "Of course, Soph."
"Good."
"Love you, Soph," Derek murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around her.
"Love you too, Der," Sophie murmured.
"Okay, guys," Derek turned to his niece and nephew. "I'm heading out."
"Bye Uncle Derek," Jared smiled. "Thanks for the ice cream."
"No problem, Jared," Derek nodded, reaching to ruffle Cameron's hair. "Do your homework, Cam."
"Kay," Cameron nodded.
"Good," Derek sighed, kissing Cameron's cheek before kissing Chelsey and Liam and then moving out the front door, Mark moving quickly behind him.
"Okay, guys, you heard Uncle Derek," Sophie nodded. "Homework time."
"Fine," the kids all whined as they started upstairs.
"I know sending them away so I can breathe is mean," Sophie murmured.
"No it isn't, Soph," Brian shook his head. "You okay?"
"Yeah, no, I don't know."
"What was he saying to you?" he murmured, pulling her into his arms.
"He tried to remember the good today," Sophie sighed.
"And?"
"I don't think it went that well. He was...I'm pretty sure he's going home to cry."
"We have to give him time, Sophie," Brian sighed, shaking his head. "We just have to give him time."
"I know we do. He's doing...he's doing better."
"He is."
"He...he even found himself a girl."
"He did," Brian laughed. "A hot blonde. Lucky bastard."
"Okay, you really are sleeping on the couch."
"I'm kidding, Soph," he laughed, pressing a kiss to her lips. "You know...the kids have a lot of homework. Well...Liam doesn't, but he'll pretend he does."
"And you want sex?"
"I do."
"Hmmm..."
"You're sad," he breathed, nibbling on her neck. "And sex makes sad people happy."
"Brian," Sophie laughed softly. "I'm...Derek..."
"You want to talk more about Derek?"
"I don't know."
"Because we can...but then Liam's going to sleep in our bed tonight and there will be no sex."
"I know."
"He's okay, Soph," he whispered, running his hand up and down her side. "He's going to be okay."
"I know he is."
"And I thought I was going to get more sex if I got fixed," he laughed softly.
"Fine, you can have sex," Sophie sighed.
"That's what I thought," he laughed.
"When I have a nervous breakdown from keeping all the Derek thoughts in, it will be your fault."
"Sophie Anne Shepherd-Thompson," Brian said firmly, suddenly pulling away. "Talk."
"Brian, I was joking."
"Are you sure?" he asked, his eyes meeting hers.
"I'm sure," Sophie nodded. "I...I could talk about Derek for hours and it's not going to fix this."
"No," Brian sighed. "Nothing could ever fix this, Soph."
"So I might as well have an orgasm."
"Such hard work."
"When I'm having sex with you, yeah it is."
"I'll show you how hard it is," Brian smirked, throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her upstairs. She hated laughing. Every tiime she saw Derek, she hated laughing. She was happy, her life, her life was good. But her brother was miserable and she hated being this happy person, laughing as her husband carried her upstairs to have sex. But she had to face this. She had to face that her brother's life had been completely destroyed, and that he would get better. At some point.