WAR POV
The hardest part of life is simply getting out of bed, living through the day, holding on and spending today or the next few days, just trying to survive.
Time passes. It's been a week since I last self-harmed and the wound on my hand is still visible and every time I look at it, I feel like it's not enough to compare the suffering I caused him.
I tried to gather my mind and focused on studying but it didn't help me as Yin's face kept repeating in my mind. I know at this point I should let him get the happiness he deserves but it's so hard to do so.
I know Yin deserves better than me and I myself realized that but my selfishness also wants to be the better person that he deserves. He used almost two years of our separation to be a better person and supposedly I also needed to do the same but because I'm in a comfort zone and I always have friends that support me, I think that I'm already good enough.
And he wishes for me to always be happy but now I'm at my lowest and the only thing I could do is keep blaming myself over and over again.
I walked to my room after my class finished because that's what I've been doing these past few days, being alone and reflecting on myself.
I noticed Yin kept looking at me while we were in class, maybe he also felt weird why suddenly I became so quiet and when I told them I wanted to go back to my room, he also seemed like wanted to ask if I'm okay or not but I just gave him a tiny smile to tell him I'm fine.
"War," Pack grabbed my hand and made me stop walking.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I replied briefly and removed my hand from his grip.
"Are you still mad at me because of what I said about Yin?"
I sighed and wanted to walk away but he stood in front of me, blocking my path.
"Do you realize every time I talk about that asshole you will be mad at me?"
I clenched my fists and tried to hold back my patience, looking him deeply into his eyes. "He's.not.an.asshole," I said.
"So what is he? "A jerk?
"A dickhead?
"A–"
"You're son of—!" I grabbed his collar and raised my fist, almost punching him but my action and words stopped as I could feel my body tremble because I tried so hard to control my emotion.
I pushed him and let out a sigh.
"War..."
Pack walked closer to me and I backed away, the shocked expression obvious on his face because that's the first time I'm being like this and I was also shocked with my own actions.
I covered my face with my palm and let out a deep breath before looking back at him. "I just say it one time, Pack."
"Please listen carefully."
"If you talk shit about him again–"
"it's not hard for me to cut you off from my life."
"War...I'm–"
"Don't say you're sorry to me. Say to him."
"We owe an apology to him," I said and walked away, ignoring him that still called me.
..................................................
It's been more than three hour since I went back to my room and tried to do the same origami flowers that Yin gave me but it looked so bad when I made it.
How can he make 50 origami flowers? I tried for several hours to make one but it still doesn't seem like a flower. If people see it, I'm afraid they'll think it's rubbish.
I kept throwing paper on the floor and I don't know how much paper I've wasted but I still don't give up and tried to make it even one.
"Arghhhh why is it so hard?!" I yelled at myself and lay down on the floor while looking at the origami flowers Yin gave to me.
"It's so hard to make it but how can I throw it away that day," I said and quickly wiped my tears that almost fell down. I walked to the bathroom to wash my face, preventing myself from crying.
I looked at the watch and it's 6.00 pm now. I haven't eaten since last night and my stomach started to rumble, so I decided to go to the cafeteria and I could continue to make this origami after I ate. Maybe at the time my brain was already functioning.
I arrived at the cafeteria not long after that and the first thing I saw was Yin sitting alone at the table while playing with his phone. There are two meals on the table, maybe he was waiting for Off.
'Should I go to him?' I monologue to myself. Our distance was so close but he didn't see me as I hid behind the wall and his eyes focused on his phone.
I've been thinking about apologizing to him for a few days but I don't know how to start it and I'm still trying to find a good word to tell him that I really regret whatever I did to him.
Yeah, in the past few days, I lived my life in regret and guilty feelings as the memory of me hurting Yin keeps repeating in my mind. I knew I should apologize to him but I was also ashamed of myself because all this time I had no idea how much Yin had suffered because of me and I had always assumed I was the one who had been hurt the most.
I took a deep breath and started to walk to him but my action stopped and I immediately hid behind the walk back when I saw Earn coming and sat in front of him.
"You're so late. I already bought a meal for you," Yin said while smiling and put the meal in front of her.
"Thank youuu, my Yinnn," she replied and smiled sweetly.
I bit my lips and bowed my head as I started to feel my hand shake when I watched the view in front of me.
I immediately turned around and walked back to my room, not planning to eat there anymore as I couldn't hide my emotion if my eyes kept looking at them.
Am I late?
Is Yin already trying to open his heart to someone else?
I didn't blame him if he wanted to do it because it's his right and he could choose whatever that made him happy. Who can endure if the person they love doesn't appreciate their pure feelings?
...................................................
AUTHOR POV
"Good luck for your football tournament tomorrow," Atid said.
"Yeah, thank you," Yin replied while playing with his phone, stalking War's social media because he really misses that guy. It's already night but his mind still didn't stop thinking about him.
They had barely talked and met in the past few days and Bonz told him that War was always busy with his photography club. In the subject that they are in the same class, War also just gave his full attention to the lecture and after their class ended, War didn't come to the cafeteria with them as he said he's tired and wanted to take a rest in his room.
So, one of his ways to get rid of his longing for War is to look at his social media even though War hasn't updated anything on his social media for a few days.
Yin looked at Atid like he was getting ready to go out. "Don't forget to close the door," he said.
"I know."
"You always let the door open."
"Okay okay I know," Atid said and mimicked Yin's face, then opened the door to get out.
"Awww War, why do you just stand here?" He looked at War, who just stood in front of their room and as soon as War saw the door open, he immediately hid something that he was holding in his back.
"Errr hey Atid."
"Hey," he furrowed, looking at War's face that seemed like seeing a ghost.
"Is Yin inside?"
He nodded and then changed his gaze to Yin who was still laying down on the bed. "Yin, your friend is coming," he shouted a little, making sure that guy heard it.
"Ask him to come in," Yin replied lazily as he thought Off who was coming to his room.
Atid walked away to go to the club and War entered the room, standing at the door and not moving but his eyes kept looking at Yin and waiting for him to realize his preference.
"Why are you just standing there, ashhole?" Yin said without looking at the person and focused his attention on his phone, kept stalking War's social media while smiling a little.
"Yin"
The voice made his eyes widen and he immediately changed his position to stand up and closed his phone, looking at War who was still standing in front of the door.
"War...I'm sorry I thought Off who was coming," he walked to War that kept his head bowing down.
He wanted to ask why War suddenly came to his room but his voice seemed stuck in his throat because he didn't expect War is the one who came.
"This is...for you," War gave the origami flowers that he made to Yin.
"I'm sorry it looks bad. I try to do it but it's so hard," he said and Yin took the origami flowers that War gave him with confusion.
"You gave me 50 flowers but I only gave you one. I want to make 50 too but...it's almost taking a day even to make this one," he was still bowing his head down and didn't dare to look at the guy in front of him.
"War, I–"
"I didn't kiss him."
War stopped Yin with his words and he lifted his face to look at Yin with his still swollen eyes.
"Me and Pack didn't kiss that day. I'm..."
"I'm lying," he said while trying so hard not to let his tears flow down.
"I don't like him. I'm just saying that because I want you to distance yourself from me but–"
His voice started to tremble.
"I'm suffering with my own words."
"I'm...I'm sorry, Yin."
He knows that the word 'sorry' is meaningless because he owes Yin a thousand apologies, yet he still wanted to say it even though to express regret, it needs more than just words.
"War," is the only word he can say.
"I'm sorry about the mean thing I said to you."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you." His voice became shaking and his vision became blurry as his eyes watery.
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."
"I know I didn't deserve your forgiveness but I still want to be selfish and hope you can forgive me," he bowed his head and wiped the tears that were already flowing down.
"Don't cry, War," Yin came closer to him and worriedness showed on his face. He cupped War's face and wiped the tears but War grabbed his hand to stop him.
"You always did everything to me but now, it's my turn."
"I'm sorry because I'm late," he looked at Yin with his red eyes.
"Just give me some time to prove it to you and after that you can decide whatever you want to do..."
"Either you want to accept me again or–" he stopped and looked at Yin's hand that he was holding.
"...find the happiness that you deserve."
He smiled a little while the tears still flowed down and wanted to walk away but Yin grabbed his hand, making him stop.
Yin had no idea what was going on and he was still puzzled because War suddenly apologized to him and he also noticed that War looked different, his eyes swollen, his lips pale and he became too quiet lately.
Even after whatever happened, he never hated War because putting him in the wrong position doesn't fit him because they both made a mistake. It never had an ending if they kept blaming each other. He also made a mistake in the past and War was patient with his behavior for almost three years but this time War just ignored him and avoided him for less than a month and he's here now, asking for an apology. It takes him for almost three year to apologize to War and realized his stupid behavior.
Whatever the mistake they made and how bad the mistake was, one thing remains the same, they realize their mistake and apologize, hoping that the same thing didn't happen again.
"War, you know I hate to see you cry, right?" Yin said. He didn't mind if he was hurting as long as he could see the smile on War's face but seeing him cry in front of him right now broke his heart into pieces.
"Please don't cry, War."
War gave him a smile to assure him that he was okay. "I will come to support you tomorrow," he said.
"Can I–"
War stopped his words and hugged Yin.
"I want to hug you."
Yin was startled as he was still in confusion but he didn't say anything,instead he hugged War back and rubbed him back to calm him down.
"I also need to recharge my energy," War said.
"War..."
He was lost in words and all he could think of was calling that guy's name.
They stayed like that for a moment and War was the first that broke their hug. He wiped his tears and smiled at Yin.
"I will see you tomorrow," he said and walked away.
Yin wanted to call him but in his wordless state, all he could do was stand there and watch War go out of his room.
.....................................................
Yin woke up the next morning and he immediately slapped himself. "Did I dream that War came to my room last night?" He asked and pinched himself a few times.
He then looked at the origami flower that he still held even when he was sleeping. "But this flower is here, War gave to me last night," he monologue to himself.
When War came to his room to apologise to him, he didn't say much since he was shocked and seeing War cry like that left him wordless. Of course he felt very happy but seeing War like that, made his heart ache and he didn't really understand all the things War said as his mind was tortured with sorrow from seeing War cry.
He took a shower and got out of his room to take breakfast because he needed to have enough energy for their football tournament this evening.
"Good morning," War greeted him while smiling as soon as Yin opened the door.
"Shit," Yin closed the door back and put his palm on his chest as he almost got a heart attack because he also didn't expect to see the guy that he couldn't stop thinking about early in the morning.
'Did I still dream?' He slapped himself.
He inhaled and exhaled slowly, then opened back the door and War was still there, looking at him and smiling, an awkward smile.
"I...bring you breakfast," War said while caressing his neck as he knew Yin was shocked by his sudden appearance.
Silence.
"Can I come in?"
"Ah sure," Yin answered after realizing he just stayed silent and stared at that person in front of him.
He helped War to put the meal on the plate and then they sat at the table. The atmosphere was silent and the only thing they could do was throw a glance at each other.
"Yin"
War broke the silence and looking at Yin that was busy eating the dim sum.
"Yeah?"
"Do you still like me?"
War's question made him choke on the dim sum he was eating and he drank the water as quickly as he could feel his heart almost exploded when War asked him with his naive face and flat tone like that.
Of course he still likes him, more than that actually.
He loves him since they were in high school and it's weird if he already moved on from War in less than two weeks. For sure it took a long time to move on and as for now, his feelings remained the same, not changing even a little bit but the difference is he tried to hold himself from making War uncomfortable.
"You don't need to answer," War said after Yin kept silent.
He played with his food.
"You are not allowed to like anyone. I've come to take what is rightfully mine."
"This is what you said to me during the first day we met again," he said while looking at Yin, stopping for a while before continuing his words.
"Can I say the same words to you now, Yin?"
• TBC •
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credit: @Glizzly_Yin