(Charlie's POV. TW: Throwing up and the mention of self-harm!)
Hours later I woke up to an immense feeling of thirst and ungodly hunger. My stomach is practically scratching at my insides causing me nearly unbearable pain. I've gone longer than a week without eating but it has been some time, my body needs to once again adjust. Lifting my head up and off of Nick's shoulder, I'm hit by an insane dizziness, the kind that makes the room spin and your vision be a bit off. To say the least, I'm feeling quite groggy.
Careful not to wake Nick up, I crawl backward off of him, sitting still when he makes any sudden movements or sounds. But that doesn't happen much, he's dead asleep. From what Nick's mother has told me in order to embarrass her son, (which I think is hilarious by the way,) he's been a deep sleeper all his life. On the other hand, I'm always tired, but insomnia sometimes pops in to say hello.
Once my feet hit the ground I take a minute to collect myself, falling down the stairs doesn't sound nice- and neither does stumbling. I scratch my face since my dried tears are causing an itchiness, (that's not fun,) then proceed to stretch.
Afterwards, I make my way to the door and then slip out of the room. Lily is laying at the bottom of the stairs, wagging away. "Hey, cutie," I whisper to her once I'm on the first floor. During Nick and I's fight, she was quick to leave the room. I extend my arm out to pet her and she approves of my offer, immediately showing me her belly in response. A few moments pass and my arm gets tired so I apologize to her for having to stop then proceed to carry on to the downstairs bathroom. It didn't take too much time after being up to start feeling nauseous, what a surprise. Could you tell that was sarcasm? Ah, I love being sarcastic. Sarcasm is no doubt verbal medicine.
Pushing open the bathroom door so that it makes only a slight creaking sound I hobble my way over to the toilet, my right hand covering my mouth until I finally reach it. Then that's when the awful thing which I had to do happens, I throw up. I don't have much in my system except for some water, so that's what makes its way out. My stomach is now officially very empty. That's when I question whether or not to flush the toilet considering it'll be loud and quite possibly wake up Nick. But, after some thinking I do flush the toilet.
Seeing what I just did makes me feel even more sick. I'm on my knees in the bathroom, and because the toilet seat is down my arms are resting on it as I lay my head down too. Closing my eyes stops everyone from spinning and worsening my splitting headache. Though, when I open them back up it'll without doubt be much worse than before.
Just now the effects of my actions were starting to affect me, even my skin was for some reason stinging slightly from my unhealed self caused injuries. (Probably because I never disinfected them and Nick never had the opportunity to do so for me.) More scars to rain down the feeling of self disgust on me the next time I get in the shower, or put on a trendy crop top that Elle gives me. But whatever, that's on me, it's my own fault.
Lily pushes her way inside the bathroom with her nose then nudges me. When I don't respond she licks me and that's when I slightly break down. I'm surrounded by so many beings that have a special place in their hearts for me, that deeply care for me, yet I still manage to fuck up, only making them worry. They don't deserve that. "What am I going to do, Lils?" I question her as if she'll respond. Lily just blankly stares at me with her adorable puppy dog eyes. And that's when the answer comes to me, I have to let Nick in, I have to let him know how I'm feeling instead of hiding and avoiding.
Even with knowing that standing up and heading back upstairs will be a struggle, I do all of that anyway, not wanting to make Nick come downstairs. Entering the room in front of me is a sleeping Nickolas Nelson. He looks so peaceful, so calm. I'm about to ruin that, aren't I?
"N-Nick." I breathe as I simply stand there, my sleeves going past my fingers. He doesn't wake up, again, he's a deep sleeper. Full of guilt I walk over to our bed and weakly nudge him, kinda hoping that I don't wake him up with my light touch or I'll feel awful. To my surprise he flutters his eyes open, confusion on his face because he doesn't remember me leaving his arms, and then concern because I'm pale.
His dominant arm is up by his head so I lay down beside him then grab his hand, draping his arm beside him. I then nestle my forehead against his warm, built chest, "I feel-I feel like shit. I just um- I threw up everything that I had in my system. Now my head is pounding even more, I'm dizzy, and things that shouldn't be spinning are." I let out, feeling relieved to have communicated with him after some time. "Right, okay.." he takes some more time to think and not freak out before adding onto his previous words, "how about we get you cleaned up and then I make you a smoothie? Does that sound good? Are you comfortable with that idea of mine?" It's fine, I'll just tell my body that it's simply a beverage. I won't focus on the fruit which is food that goes into the smoothie...and the ice cream. I won't think about those parts. I won't. "Yea-yes that sounds good, thank you."
___________________________________
Within a matter of minutes I was sitting on the toilet seat of the toilet in our master bathroom. Nick had one of his hands pressing down on a thigh of mine as he wiped my mouth. This was embarrassing, "I can do that myself you know, I'm not a child." He immediately shakes his head, "I disagree, me babying you right now is very necessary. Now, please be good and compliant." That was oddly sexual. "Nick, you're going to make me fall off of the toilet seat." He looks up at me, a piece of his hair immediately falling onto his forehead, "and why's that?"
How naive of him.
"Because you just said something that's oddly sexual, and it made me go limp. If you say something like that again I'll actually fall over and combust." Nick clicks his tongue, "tsk, tsk. You're so naughty Charles, always so horny." I quickly peck his cheek now that my mouth is clean, "only for you."
Side note, simply focusing on Nick's eyes helps the room to stop from spinning so much, it's astounding.
"Alright now that you're all sorted out I'm going to get started on your smoothie, okay?"
"That's actually a really great idea, thank you." I reach out to grab his face and he rubs his cheek against the palm of my hand, even kissing it to show me some extra affection.
Nick throws a big smile my way then heads out the door.
So, why on Earth am I not eating in the first place? That's an easy question to answer, it's the only way that I can have control over something to do with myself. With my mental health in a trash can this is how I have a hold on something, I control whether I eat or not, how much I eat and when I do. It's counterproductive though because it makes me feel worse, extra shitty when adding it up with my mental state...so even then I still feel out of control. And that's when my OCD joins in on the "fun". The wiring in my brain is certainly not up to par.
___________________________________
I'm in the kitchen, sitting on a barstool with two smoothies sitting in front of me.
Nick must've clocked the look on my face because he quickly and cheerfully goes, "I made one for myself because I figured that having a partner in that sense would help." Fuck. How can someone be so in love with someone else?
"I love you." Is all I let out, not even a mere "thank you". Nick smiles then puts a straw in my drink before putting one in his own, "I love you more."
Moments later I can confirm that the smoothie was good, but definitely what he drinks before working out or playing rugby with his lads. Huh. I honestly believed that those sort of shakes would taste horrible.
Anyways, I was so caught up in conversation with Nick that I unconsciously continued to take large gulps, and at times small sips. Long story short, I finished it and the cup is now waiting in the sink to be washed along with Nick's.
In a split second Nick gets out of his seat and comes up behind me to kiss my shoulder blade, "hey, I'm proud of you." I had heard what Nick said but wasn't necessarily listening. My mind is so loud at the moment that I'm drowning in the thoughts.
I could really abuse my drum set right now.
Having not received a response from me, Nick spins the barstool that I'm sotting on around, forcing me to look at him, "and I'll never get tired of you due to these minor setbacks, okay?" I slowly nod as I twiddle my thumbs, some tears manifesting in my eyes, "thank you for saying that, I really needed the reassurance."
I needed to hear that.
Nick smiles and then swipes the tears away with his nimble thumb, "I'll always be here to reassure you Charlie, to help you heal, and to be a shoulder for you to cry on. Always Char, I promise." His arm extends out towards me. It's an offer to help me get get up, ""Now, how about I just wash the dishes later and we instead watch any movie of your choice on the couch right now?"
I take his hand, "okay, yeah, that sounds really nice."
___________________________________
Nick props his legs up and onto our coffee table whilst also lifting his arms, allowing me to rest my head on his lap as my legs drape off of the edge of our couch. Only after I settled in and got cozy with a blanket did he lay his arms across my chest.
Being the hopeless romantic I am, I chose a romcom, so I was basically glued to the tv and wasn't focusing on my sore neck from having keep it turned to the side.
"That guy is so stupid! She clearly likes him and he clearly likes her, so why would he kiss someone else?!" I groan out of frustration, hating what I picked, "straight men are idiots- well- in this case, cishet men in general! I swear that they're born with no common sense!" Nick is quick to gasp at my statement, "hey! Past me takes offense to that! I used to be- well no, I just thought that I was straight- but still! At the time I was pretty emotionally available, and I was also arguably brainy."
All I can do is blink a couple times at his argument while I process it.
"I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear what you just said."
In response to my comment, Nick ruffles up my black curls, causing them to lay on my forehead and slightly obstruct my vision. I blow on them, lazily attempting to make them move, but alas, that does nothing. Surprise, surprise. "Gosh, you're adorable" is all that I hear before I get attacked by Nick's merciless tickling. "Stop it, stop!" I whine whilst laughing, now believing that my death was going to be from getting tickled by my boyfriend.
Author's note: Sorry if this chapter was bad! Having just started this book I'm not sure where I'm taking it, but I do know that I want to try my best to being out every aspect of Nick and Charlie's relationship into it, the beautiful and the ugly.