a vision seen in sleep; a dream
I came back to the sleeping quarters the next morning after going for an early morning run since I couldn't sleep. Although when I got to my bed, I realised I wasn't the only one awake, "Morning Nose." Peter's gaze followed me as I walked past him. Why was he up so early? I looked down and saw a book in his lap, his finger still marking a page. Was he reading?! A book??! 'Insomniac by Gayle Greene' I read the title, why was he reading a book on insomnia? "Excited for training?" fuck. I forgot we started on our fear landscapes today. I don't know what made me more nervous: the fact that I'm not at all prepared for the fear landscapes, or the fact that Peter is acting really weird.
"Sure." I frowned, not entirely sure how to respond to him acting this way.
The room then echoed with the daily sound of Tobias banging on the railing. Thank god he saved me from that awkward conversation, "Everyone meet me at the simulation centre in 5 minutes!"
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((TW!: domestic violence/child abuse))
"Baby!" Tobias called out my name, "You're up."
I uneasily got out of my seat and went into the simulation room. I'd seen a few initiates come out of here already and let's just say they didn't exactly ease my worries about this. Molly - you know, the emotionless, cold-hearted bitch who beat up Christina with no mercy - came out of the room pale as a ghost and trembling like a leaf. But it can't be that bad...right?
"Just take a seat, try to relax," Tobias filled up a syringe with a clear liquid, "Head back." I did as he said and flinched as the needle went into my neck, I hate needles. I felt my eyelids go heavy and the room around me begun to change, I blinked and Tobias was gone.
The walls faded to a soft grey stone, I picked myself up off the floor as the picture around me became clearer. These walls were familiar. I walked over to a small window, it overlooked the pale streets of Abnegation. No, no, no. I felt my chest tighten and I had the sudden feeling that the walls were closing in on me. I can't be back here. I escaped. I can't go back. It was like I'd stepped straight into one of my dreams; one of my nightmares.
Loud footsteps echoed down the staircase on the opposite side of the room, shaking the whole house. I could hear the metal clanging of a belt being swung. His belt. His body came into view as he made his way down the staircase and he begun to talk, "You told him to leave, didn't you?" he struck the belt against the wall, "This was your plan," a second strike, "You're not going anywhere." I froze. It's like part of me was telling me to run, part of me wanted to fight, but the part of me in control backed slowly into the corner of room - just like I had that day Tobias left. "This is for your own good, Bonnie."
I frantically scanned the room, looking for an escape, a weapon, anything. My eyes fell on a frying pan that was left on the kitchen counter. Marcus raised the belt above his head, I took my chance and dove out of the corner, the belt just catching my leg sending a searing pain down the side. I hobbled over to the counter and grabbed the frying pan. Marcus was quick. He came up behind me and knocked the pan to the floor. The belt hit me properly this time, I'd forgotten how painful it was. Tears streamed out of my eyes and I stifled a sob, "Dad! Please! Stop!" I screamed and begged. He hit me again, the pain more unbearable than the last blow and I let out a scream, making my throat sore.Before he could swing again, I grabbed the pan once again and swung it as hard as I could across his face. The clanging sound rang throughout the room as the metal made contact with his cheekbone and he dropped to the floor.
I jumped up out of my seat with a heavy gasp, two hands grabbed my shoulders pushing me back down, "No! No! Don't touch me!" I screamed and sobbed, tears dripping onto my tshirt.
"Bonnie! Bonnie! It's me," I was back in the room with Tobias, "It's me, you're safe."
I jumped into his arms and he wrapped me up in a tight hug, "It was so real, Toby," I cried, "so real."
I breathed in a deep, shaky breath as I pulled away from him, "I wasn't expecting that one to come first, I'm sorry you had to do that." I assumed he'd had the same experience with his fear landscape, "Go take the rest of the day off, I'll come and check on you later - or I'll send someone to." he gave me a worried glance,
"I'll be okay," I felt myself go into shock, or maybe I went numb - I'm not entirely sure, "I just need to be left alone for a bit."
I walked out of the room and everyone stared at me with concerned looks, some of them looked frightened, they probably heard me screaming. Both Will and Peter jumped out of their seats, I couldn't bring myself to look anyone in the eye. I stormed out of there as quickly as possible. It wasn't until I reached the pit I realised I'd been followed out of the simulation centre. I stopped dead in my tracks, taking a wild guess at who followed, "If you're here to make fun of me Peter, just get it over with and piss off."
"Um, well I'm not Peter," Will.
I swivelled around to face him, "Sorry."
"You wanna talk about it?" he took a step closer, tilting his head to try and meet my gaze. I couldn't find the strength to talk so just shook my head slightly, "Alright, come with me." he grabbed my hand and led me away from the pit, going to the upper levels,
"Where are we going?"
"You'll see."
We followed the corridors and staircases going higher and higher up the compound until we reached a roof hatch, I'd never been to this part of the building before. Will climbed out of the hatch then offered his hand to pull me up the ladder. I climbed up and out onto the roof, the moon had just risen into view and the blueish-black sky was covered in stars. It was mesmerising to look at. "C'mon," Will laid down on the floor and patted at the space next to him so I joined him and stared at the stars, "You know, when I die, I'm gonna become one of these," he gestured to the stars "and before you say anything, yes, I know people don't actually come back as stars. It's not scientifically possible. But I think I'm allowed to believe different things now." he smiled to himself, "So when I die, you know where to find me."
"Slow down, Steel, that's not gonna be any time soon," I smiled "We've got so much ahead of us, so much to explore yet." We laid there for a while, just talking and looking at the sky. It had been a while since everything had slowed down like this, it reminded me of when we used to sneak into the erudite observatory to look at the stars and planets. "Thanks for this Will, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Now, now, I know you're upset but there's no need to get all soppy on me, that's just not you." he laughed.
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Every time I closed my eyes that night, I saw flashes of my fear landscape, I could still feel the pain all over my body despite there being no marks or injury. I felt my chest getting tighter the more I thought about it but I couldn't stop. I tried rubbing the palm of my hand across my ribs to try and calm myself down but it wasn't working and my chest kept getting tighter. I can't do this here. Not now. I haven't had a panic attack since I ran away from Abnegation. I need some air.
I took myself out to the chasm and sat on the edge as usual, the sounds of water crashing below giving me something else to focus on. But it was no use, I couldn't shake the tension I felt and my hands were trembling, "C'mon Bon, c'mon," I whispered to myself, "Get it together." Overcome with stress, I let out a scream as loud as I could and swung my fist down on the concrete. The stinging sensation jolted up my arm and it hurt like a bitch, but at least I fixed my breathing.
"Baby?"
I whipped my head round to find Peter had followed me out here, "What do you want?"
"I heard screaming," he approached me cautiously, "Are you alright?" his voiced laced with genuine concern,
"I will be." I mumbled, trying to keep back the tears that threatened to spill,
"It's okay, you know?" he sat down next to me, "You don't have to pretend with me."
I looked at him. I really looked at him. As if for the first time, or in a different light. He'd never seemed so gentle before. His chocolate brown eyes glistened under the moonlight as if he was holding back tears himself, the light reflected colours in his eyes I'd never seen before, "Your eyes," I didn't look away, "your eyes have flecks of blue in them, did you know that?" He said nothing, just chuckled lightly, and casually threw his arm over my shoulder. I leant into his side and let out a sigh, "It's my fear landscape," I told him, "Something happened in there, something that I didn't think would ever happen again - I froze. It just felt so real, I didn't think there was a way out."
"There's always a way out," he reassured, "You're not gonna get it perfect on the first try."
"You're being uncharacteristically optimistic." I noted, having gotten so familiar with the more cynical, cocky side of Peter Hayes. "What was in your fear landscape?" I asked,
"That's a bit personal, Nose." his posture stiffened and he shifted the way he was sat,
"Sorry, I was just curious," I looked over at him again and he was facing down the chasm, looking at the water, "I wondered what a guy like you would even be afraid of, you always seem so sure of yourself."
"And you aren't?" he chuckled, snapping out of his trance,
"Touche" I laughed lightly, still not feeling like I had enough energy to smile convincingly,
"This is nice," he said, "For a change, you don't want to gauge my eyes out or snap my neck." there was a certain sadness behind his tone, leading me to believe that maybe he wasn't so awful after all. The fear landscapes did something to him too, it changed him.
"Okay how about we make a deal?" I suggested, "I won't snap your neck as long as you're nicer to me, and maybe we can have more nights like this."
"Deal." he held out his hand for me to shake,
"No, no," I shook my head and held out my pinky, "You have to pinky swear, those are legit." he shook his head, chuckling, and hooked his pinky finger onto mine, "See, now it's just a way of saying 'I've got you' and we'll know things are all okay."
"Okay, I've got you, Baby." he smiled softly and winked.
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(A/N) Heyyy, I need some opinions about this chapter, I wasn't sure if the ending was TOO out of character for Peter. I mean I think it's cute, but it might be a bit far-fetched?