"Ramirez."
Dara murmured and shifted a bit but her eyes remained shut.
"Ramirez!"
She felt a hand shaking her by the shoulder causing her to wake up from her nap. Her eyes fluttered open and Jiro's frowning face welcomed her.
"Why are you sleeping at a place like this?" Jiro asked as he sat beside her. She looked around and realized that she's still at the library, slumped on the floor with her back leaning on the shelf and the books scattered around her. She must've dozed off while reading since the book was still on her lap.
She glanced at the guy by her side. Jiro's eyebrows are mashed together while glaring at her, clearly mad about something.
"What's the matter?" She asked.
"What's the matter? You're sleeping here alone!" He hissed.
Huh? She stared at him in bewilderment, clueless as to what the fuss was about. Everybody sleeps in the library; it's the norm in almost any school. Even in Bridge Rose, she had a favorite corner where she could read and doze off.
Jiro's lips formed a thin line as he scowled at her. "What if someone pulls a prank on you? What if someone touches you? What if someone kisses you?" He said gruffly.
Dara's eyes widened a bit, and then a smile slipped on her lips. "Nobody would do that. They know I'm with you", she said softly to ease his mind.
"Your friend did it before", he replied in a quiet voice while staring directly at her. Dara was drawn in his eyes, her heart pounding in a fast pace as she met his gaze. "You were sleeping on his lap and he kissed you", he added and looked away.
Dara leaned forward a bit and tilted her head to stare at his face, a small smile plastered on her lips. The Ice Lord is still mad. She leaned her back against the book shelf again, her eyes glued forward. "That was a long time ago. And we're clear that we are only friends. Besides, I told you Bullet is just playful and sweet. That's his personality."
"Then, he better change his personality when he's with you."
Dara chuckled and crossed her arms over her chest. "Jiro-..." Her words were cut off when Jiro pushed his hand on the floor and leaned towards her, his other hand resting on the shelf.
"I'm serious, Ramirez", he said hoarsely as he hovered near her face. "I saw him kiss you three fucking times", he whispered as his eyes flicked down towards her lips. She can feel his warm breath as he slowly lowered his head towards her and spoke, "If there'll be a fourth...it'll drive me crazy", he said huskily before capturing her lips. Dara's eyes instantly fluttered to a close as she felt him moving his mouth against hers, her hands finding its way behind his neck. He nipped her bottom lip and ran his tongue on it, tasting her. "Open", he drawled sexily and she immediately complied.
His tongue darted and probed inside her mouth, touching and mingling with her tongue. Their breathing became ragged as he tilted his head and deepened the kiss, stroking every part of her, flooding her with overwhelming sensations that coursed through her body. She ran her fingers on his hair, eyes still tightly shut as they are both lost with the intoxicating taste of each other. He sucked her upper lip into his mouth, which earned a loud moan from her.
"Ssshhh", he whispered as he trailed gentle kisses along her jaw towards her neck. Another whimper escaped her lips when Jiro licked and nibbled her skin, making her feel hot all over. Her eyes abruptly opened when Jiro's hand covered her mouth as he went lower, kissing and sucking the crook of her neck towards her chest, his other hand working on the buttons of her uniform.
"Mmhmmpphh", Dara's muffled whimper was heard when his teeth grazed the skin above her breast, followed by his tongue. Her stomach tightened and her chest heaved up and down as she panted. She squeezed her eyes tightly when she saw Jiro dipping inside her blouse, feasting on her flesh not covered by her bra.
A gasp from the aisle pulled Dara back to reality. OH NO! She quickly opened her eyes and tugged Jiro's arm to get his attention when she saw two of her classmates standing by the aisle. With one hand still covering Dara's mouth and the other on her blouse to cover her, Jiro glared at the two girls who were frozen on their spot, still staring at them in shock. He didn't need to utter a word and just raised his eyebrows at them for the two girls to scamper away.
He then shifted his gaze to Dara and removed his hand covering her mouth while staring intently at her, his expression remaining impassive. The girl is breathing heavily, still trapped with the heated moment they had. "I'm sorry I had to cover your mouth", he mumbled and leaned down, pressing his lips tenderly against hers. He drew back and smirked at her. "You're a screamer", he said.
"I'm not!" She hissed and buried her face on her palms. "Oh my God! They saw us!" She whined and kicked her legs while whimpering in shame.
Jiro went back to his spot and leaned his back against the shelf. "It's okay", he said.
Dara lifted her face and glared at him. "It's not okay! They're my classmates! The gossip is probably spreading as we speak!"
Jiro gave a disinterested shrug and bends one knee, resting his arm on it. "Come here", he said. Dara gave him a hesitant look but complied anyway. She crawled towards Jiro and settled herself in between his parted thighs, her back leaning against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her frame and pulled her closer, brushing her hair aside to expose her neck and dipping down to kiss it. "Where were we?" He whispered, his warm breath tickling her skin.
"Stop. We're in the library", Dara mumbled as she shifted to her side and rested her head on Jiro's chest.
"Okay", he said and slid his hand on Dara's arm, stroking her skin tenderly.
Dara smiled when she heard the loud pounding of his heart. She lifted her gaze to look at him and the guy tilted his head to stare back at her.
"What?" He asked.
"Your heart is beating loudly", she said with an amused grin.
"I wonder why."
She giggled and nuzzled her face on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart. His familiar scent filled her senses, giving her comfort. The rays of sunlight streamed through the window as the two sit quietly in a corner of the library, enjoying each other's presence.
"Fourth kiss, huh?" Dara said after a while. "You worry too much, Jiro."
"Do I? Then why did the first, second and third happen?"
Dara sighed and rubbed her hand on his chest. "Instead of your worries, why don't you tell me the things you want?"
"The things I want..." His voice trailed off as he pondered for a moment. "This", he mumbled and hugged the girl tightly, pressing her body against his. "I want this."
Dara smiled, her cheek still resting on his chest. "What else?"
Jiro glued his gaze forward, his eyes narrowing a bit as if he's looking at something that only he can see. "I want a home. I want a home with you and me in it."
Happiness swarmed through her while a seething pain gripped Jiro's heart. He wanted a lot of things... things he never had. Things he might never have.
"I want laughter in that home. I want to hear the rowdiness in the morning as the kids run around and wake us up; the smell of breakfast, the sound of hurried movements as we try not to be late for our work and for the kids' school."
He felt like someone's strangling him. He can hear the voice in his head reminding him that that future will never happen, as evident in the letters in his backpocket.
"At night, I want to hear your voice welcoming me, and the squeal of our kids as they ran towards me. I want warmth in the bed, with you on the other side. Before I sleep, I want you to be the last one I laid my eyes on and when I wake up, I want you to be the first one I see."
Dara's heart swelled with happiness. He's thinking of a future with her! And he wants kids, a family, a home! She lifted her gaze to look at him and her smile slowy faded when he saw the somber expression on his face. He talked about a future with her and yet he's not happy?
"Something wrong?" She asked, her face drawn with concern.
"Nothing", Jiro placed his hand on Dara's head and stroked her hair. "Sleep. Your vacant hour is long."
Dara was about to say something but decided to shut her mouth. She felt like there's a lot in Jiro's mind that he's not telling her, but she doesn't want to push him if he doesn't want to share it yet. An uneasy feeling crept inside her, robbing her of the happiness she felt a while ago. She shut her eyes and chase sleep, restlessness still lingering in her heart.
Jiro gently rubbed her upper arm with his hand, his eyes glued at the book shelf in front of them. His mind wandered back to the time when his family fell apart. He has a blurry memory of a normal home, the time when his father had a steady job. When their finances spiraled down, it was the time when his life was shot into hell. His father can only get part-time jobs and the pay is not even enough for their rent. Then, he sought comfort in drinking and that's when the beating started.
He has been through hell to know that the sweet and dreamy notion about love conquering all odds, that you only need each other to be happy, is far from reality.
Jiro looked at the girl who was sleeping peacefully against his chest, her steady breathing entering his ears. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead and drew back, roaming his eyes on her face...wondering if and how long this fantasy will last.
***
The sticks of the lollipop were protruding from their lips as they sat at the bench while watching Battou running around in the park. Picaro's eyebrows were drawn together, deeply pondering over something.
It's been days and Namee is still avoiding him and ignoring his messages. The girl is still probably mad at him. No, not probably. She's definitely pissed. Damn it. He doesn't know what to do anymore. Why does it have to happen to him?
Picaro pulled the lollipop from his mouth and leaned down, resting his elbows on his thighs while exhaling audibly. Bonsai gave him a side-glace, his arms still draped at the back of the bench. He knew Picaro is thinking about Cheng but he chose to keep his mouth shut, focusing his gaze back to his five-year-old brother who was now playing with other kids.
"Bonsai..."
"Nope. Don't talk to me about girls, man."
"I did kiss her and-..."
"Oh great, we're talking about girls", Bonsai said sarcastically, shifting his lollipop to his other cheek.
"Will you just listen to me? I just have to let it out", Picaro snarled at him.
"Just suck it up, man. I don't want to listen to whatever's going on between you and Namee Cheng", he grimaced. "Feels like I'm listening to my Dad talking about girls."
"So, anyway-..." Picaro continued, ignoring Bonsai's groan of protest. "I did kiss her. I don't know what came to me but it feels right at that moment."
"You'll probably notice my disinterested face, but please don't mind me and do go on", Bonsai interjected. His snide remark, however, was ignored by Picaro once again.
"It was fun when we hang out. I enjoy going out with her. We almost never run out of things to talk about and even silence with her is comfortable."
"ARRGH! Am I in hell? Are you really not going to stop?"
"To think that this all started when she scribbled her phone number on my palm..."
"BATTOU! Don't eat that! Shit. Come here!" Bonsai yelled at his brother and the kid immediately complied.
"You know, Namee loves my drawings. The doodle that I made during freshman year is still pinned in her locker", Picaro continued.
"What did you put in your mouth? If it's something alive, I swear!" Bonsai screeched.
"Grass", Battou replied calmly.
"Oh, okay. You'll survive", Bonsai said, letting the kid run back to his playmates.
"Things were going great between us. I screwed it up", Picaro said.
"Are you still not done?" Bonsai eyed him wearily. "You're turning into a fairy princess. I can see your wings and your tiara."
"I don't know what to do. Namee's still mad."
"I'll tell you what to do. NOTHING."
"But-..."
"Dudeeee! You know, I'm not worried about Ice Lord being with Ramirez because I know he will not lose his Ice Lord power but you-..." Bonsai dragged his gaze up and down Picaro's feature, "I'm worried about you, man. Cheng will surely hold you by the neck and make you a woman. Girls do those stuff. The next thing she'll do is decorate all your things with girly bling blings and you can't say no because she will get 'mad'", Bonsai exclaimed.
Picaro remained silent and stared faraway. Bonsai studied him for a while before sighing, bringing his hands behind his head and looking up at the sky. "I'm just kidding, Monsieur Rostelli."
"I know."
"Do nothing for now and let her cool down", Bonsai said. "The fact that you're asking these questions and reflecting on your actions means only one thing."
"Yeah. I like her", Picaro admitted. "Shit. I like her", he sighed heavily.
"Uh-huh. Prepare yourself for couple shirts, couple rings and all couple bullshit that you threatened me with. Cheng looks like the type who enjoys those things of torture."
***
Dara looked at Namee cautiously, afraid that one wrong move will make her burst into a massive emotional tsunami of feels. The area around Namee Cheng is quite frightening. One must proceed with extreme caution. They were sitting on one of the round tables in front of the Arts Building and Namee has been silent ever since they got there.
"I'm perfectly fine, okay?" Namee mumbled without looking at her. Dara did not buy it. She's lying. She's going to flip out soon. Dara can feel it. Box of tissues - check. Bars of chocolate - check.
"Namee..." Dara called out and scooted towards the Namee 'zone of apocalypse' while wielding one long bar of chocolate like a sword for battle. "Chocolate?" She offered.
"No, thanks", Namee replied. SHE DECLINED! This is inconceivable! This is an absurdity!
"Namee..."
Namee set down the book that she's reading and let out a long sigh. She then fixed her gaze at Dara. "I'm okay. Stop staring at me like I'm going to combust into flames."
"I'm just worried", Dara retorted. "I know you're hurt and angry but Namee, you put the guy in a hot seat without consulting with him first."
"Yes, it's my fault. I'm sorry for being overly excited and assuming things without talking to him first."
"Namee... You know I'm not doing this to blame you", Dara said softly, placing her hand on her friend's arm.
"Yeah, I know. I'm just frustrated, sorry."
"You're avoiding Picaro, aren't you? You're giving him the cold shoulder."
"I get my period every month. I'm entitled to act like a woman", Namee stated and flipped her hair.
"By not talking to him?" Dara cocked her eyebrows at her.
"Silence is a girl's loudest cry."
Dara rested her chin on her palm, her elbow propped on the round table as she stared at her friend. "I sometimes can't understand what's going on in that brain of yours", she said, an amused grin in her lips.
Namee faced Dara and copied her position, cupping her chin with her palm as well. "I have a special brain. It has a life of its own and I even gave it a name. I call it 'Einstein'."
"You're so weird."
Namee gave her a slight shrug and grinned.
"Are you pretending to be fine?" Dara asked, her face drawn with concern.
"Maybe."
"I want you to be fine. I don't want to see you sad."
"I'll be fine. I'm just giving him some time to sort his thoughts. He should realize what I mean to him. If I mean something, then I stay. If I mean nothing, I walk away. My intentions were clear from the very start, unless he's oblivious. And I already voiced out I like him."
"You can do that? You can walk away?" Dara titled her head a bit.
"There will be tears, I admit. There will be a river of tears and exploding F bombs. But Mama Old told me that if it's something I can't avoid, I should instead welcome it and be done with it."
"Mama Old?"
"My grams. You should meet her. She's a character."
"I bet. You're a character yourself."
"Don't fall in love with me, 'kay?"
Dara rolled her eyes and the two giggled as they face each other, their palms still cupping their chins.
"You're so brave, Namee", Dara said. "I sometimes wish I know how to walk away."
"My solution is not your solution, Dara. Our situations are different. Do you think that you mean nothing to Jiro?"
"Let's not talk about me."
"I have Mama Old. You have Namee Old", her friend gave her an understanding smile. "Answer the question, young lady."
A heavy sigh escaped Dara's lips as she pondered for a moment. "I know I mean so much to him...so much that I feel like I'm strangling him", she paused and folded her arms on the round table, resting her head on them while facing Namee. "I don't want that. I want him to be free. I feel that he is keeping a lot of things from me and it's weighing us down. He looks at me and sometimes..." Dara swallowed the lump in her throat, her heart sinking with every word that she's saying, "...sometimes I don't see the eyes of a happy man."
Namee sat up straight and scooted closer, placing her hand on her friend's back to soothe her.
"Riko has casted a big shadow between us and at first, I thought that's what this mess is all about. But when I recall everything that he has told me, I think Riko is just one of his broken pieces", Dara sat up straight and stared directly at her friend. "I don't think he knows that this is not just about Riko. This is about him."
Namee shook her head lightly. "We have a saying - when a mute eats dumplings, he knows how many he has eaten, even though he cannot speak", she said. "He knew, Dara. But he says nothing."
Dara laughed bitterly. "Is this his way of protecting me?"
Namee rested her head on Dara's shoulder, wrapping her arms around her friend. "If you can't endure the pain anymore, shout and then...cry."
***
Jiro sets down the tray of food, which he got from the house help, on Riko's bedside table. The house is eerily quiet since Riko's parents are not in the house, too fed up with each other. Divorce is probably under way and he knew that Riko is crumbling inside. Even though her parents knew what she did, they are too absorbed with their own marital problems instead of making sure that their daughter will be fine.
He stared at Riko who was sitting on a chair facing the window, her back facing him. According to the house help, Riko has started talking when her parents fought in front of her. She yelled at them and asked them to leave her room if they are only going to fight. Although it is a good news that she is speaking again, the circumstances which led her to do so is a bad one.
Jiro strode towards the girl who was staring outside the window. He stood beside her in silence, not knowing what to say. The text she sent to him the night she tried to take her life entered his mind.
'Why didn't you hold onto me, Jiro? I gave you my everything. I have no more left for myself. Without you, I don't feel like living anymore.'
"I shouldn't have let you go." Jiro heard her say. He glanced at the girl who is still staring faraway. "I already have you but I know I don't own your heart", she continued. "I got greedy. I want all of you and when I realized I can't have it, I decided to let you go. I'm regretting it, Jiro."
Jiro didn't respond. Slowly, he dragged his gaze outside the window, noticing the dark clouds marring the sky.
"I knew I bargained my way in our relationship, but couldn't you at least make me feel loved? I gave you everything. I gave you my body and that night meant so much to me. But when I looked in your eyes, it's as if you're not seeing me. Has it been Dara all along, Jiro? Why can't it be me?" Soft sobs escaped her lips. Tears started streaming down her cheeks as the sky continued turning dark, signifying the impending rain.
Jiro felt like his insides are churning upon seeing the girl break down in front of him. She used to be a picture of a woman who can attain anything she wants. There used to be a bright smile in her face. Her eyes used to be so lively. What has he done to her?
"I'm sorry", he murmured, even though he knew his words will not make anything right again. "I'm sorry I can't be with you."
He watched as a fresh stream of tears poured down her eyes. He watched as she weakly wiped her cheeks with her hand. He stared at the broken girl in front of him, heart pounding with guilt. What has he done to her?
***
His head was hanging low, his hands shoved inside his pockets and his eyes watching his slow steps on the ground. Thunder roared in the sky and a heavy wind blew; a reflection of the inner turmoil he is currently experiencing.
Stone and Riko were two people who became an important part of his life, and both of them are suffering. His mother lived a sad life because he was not strong enough to protect her and now, people are ruined because of him. Do his decisions make people suffer? Is Stone right? With what Riko has become, it seems to be so.
He can still remember the day Stone declared that he will be his brother. After a month of staying at a foster home, Jiro was sent to an orphanage. They both stayed in the same orphanage while waiting for someone to adopt them. But because they are not toddlers anymore at that time, the possibility is slim. They both know it, but Stone still prayed every night for a couple to adopt both of them.
Stone was weak and thin, and the other kids tend to bully him. But when Jiro came along and punched the kids who are ganging up on Stone, the younger kid insisted that he is now his older brother since he doesn't have one anymore.
The two of them passed the days in the orphanage hanging around each other and talking about stuff that the other kids have no interest with. He told him about his parents and his old neighborhood and Stone told him about his deceased older brother. They made a pseudo grave of their family and placed a flower there every time they sneak in the caretaker's garden to pick just about any flower they can grab.
With what he has been through, Jiro has long forgotten how to laugh, but Stone can somehow make him smile. The younger kid is smart and full of ideas. He promised the little kid that he will always be by his side. 'I will be your brother', he said. A year passed and he broke that promise.
The day he ran way from the orphanage after he learned that he will be adopted will be forever etched in his memory. He was climbing the gate when Stone came running out of the main door, crying miserably and pleading him not leave him. He did not listen.
When he jumped on the other side of the gate and turned around, he saw Stone trying to climb the gate to follow him. Jiro repeatedly pushed the door bell and when the orphanage caretakers stepped out and saw Stone, they came running and stopped the younger kid; but Jiro was able to escape.
The look of betrayal in Stone's eyes, however, was something he was not able to escape from.
***
Dara shifted on the bed and her eyes slightly fluttered open to look at the alarm clock. She became fully awake when she caught sight of Jiro standing by her balcony, his back facing her. He was seemingly staring far away with his arms crossed over his chest.
She stood up and strode towards the balcony door to open it. Jiro turned around when he heard the door being opened and stared at the girl in her pajamas. Dara rubbed her eyes drowsily and walked towards him.
"Sorry. Did I wake you up?"
"It's okay. What's up?" She asked.
"Nothing", he mumbled and averted his gaze, looking up at the night sky. A droplet of rain fell on his face, streaming down his cheek. He wiped it with the back of his hand and sighed. "Can I sleep here?"
"Sure. The guest room is clean and your clothes are in the drawer", she responded, pertaining to the room opposite her late father's bedroom and the clothes that he left in his house.
"Can I sleep beside you instead?"
Dara blinked at him in surprise before she nodded, studying Jiro's stoic face. "Is there something wrong?" She asked again.
"I'm fine. Let's sleep", he said, snaking his arm on her waist and ushering her inside. Dara glanced at him but his expression remains unreadable. She crawled on the right side of the bed and sat with her legs crossed, watching the guy as he exited the room to go the guest room, probably to change his clothes. He returned a few minutes later wearing a comfortable shirt and trousers.
Jiro climbed on the bed and lied on his back, placing his hands behind his head, his eyes glued on the ceiling. Dara, on the other hand, lied on her side facing him. She stared at him in silence, waiting for him to speak. She knew he's bothered by something; she can feel it.
The rain started pouring outside; the steady sound of raindrops filling the silence that's enveloping the two.
"I went to see Riko", she heard him say. She remained still, not wanting to interrupt him. "She's speaking now. I apologized to her. I told her I can't be with her", he paused and inhaled deeply, thinking of the helpless state of Riko that he saw. "I messed her up, Ramirez. She's so different from the way she was before."
Dara didn't respond, her chest constricting when she recognized the guilt dripping from his voice. She can feel the weight he's carrying and she wanted nothing but to erase all his worries away.
He shut his eyes firmly before slowly opening them again, his mind wandering back to the sufferings of the people in his life - his mother...Stone...and now Riko. He will not be able to bear it if Dara will be part of those who suffers because of him.
Jiro rolled on his side and faced her, his heart aching with the beautiful sight of the girl he wants to share his future with. It's getting harder to pretend that everything will be fine when reality is catching up on him. His promise to her father...his past hurting her...his past trapping him...the future she deserves...a life he wanted her to have...a life he might not be able to provide. He is holding on to the last strand of hope that everything will fall into place somehow...some way.
"I love you", he said in a quiet voice. "You know that, right?"
Dara's eyes widened a bit, stunned by what he said. She should be happy. She has been yearning for him to say those words; believing that when he does, she will feel secured with what they have. But her heart felt heavy. He said he loves her, but why do his words sound like goodbye?
Dara swallowed the lump forming in her throat and mumbled, "Yeah. I know."
"Okay. Just making sure."
"I love you too", she whispered, her gentle gaze meeting his dark eyes. "So let me carry half of what you're hiding. You keep yourself hidden in the dark that I can't reach you. I'm afraid that whatever it is that's bothering you will break us."
Jiro did not utter a word and scooted closer, gathering her in his arms. Dara rested her face comfortably on his chest, a welling surge of emotions coursing through her, squeezing her heart. Why does it feel like Jiro is going to slip away if she's not going to hold him tight? It scares her.
"I love you too, Jiro...so learn to accept that I do", she said in a hushed tone.
Writer's Note:
T_T
#comingOfAge #youngAdult
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