A/N: Sorry this is a little later. My beta reader, my husband, didn't have a chance to look this chapter over this week. So, I tried to go over it with a metaphorical fine tooth comb myself.
I've been waking up late, and even just now I was falling asleep while proofreading. So, it took me longer than I anticipated to get this chapter up.
Please know that there will be an important author's note after the chapter is up.
This chapter takes place the same day as Chapter 30
Over my many years as an empath I have learned that sometimes the people that I am emotionally closest to, those who have been in my life for several years, they somehow tend to forget that key element about myself. This most especially happens when they are overcome by their emotions. They forget to put up a protective mental wall, or their strong mental walls that are already in place easily crumble and fall apart due to their emotional upheaval. It's such a complicated ability to have to deal with. I literally feel everyone else's emotions as well as my own emotions on top of them. It's even more taxing in moments like these where everyone's emotions are in such flux, whipping through one emotion to the next due to uncertainty or self blame. I end up often feeling like a rubber band that has been stretched so thin I fear I might psychologically snap. Break.
I'm probably the only one in our Legion who knew that Hoseok was dually blaming himself. I hadn't asked the reason for it. I just knew that I felt his blame and guilt for the one thing everyone in this house is guilty about, and then a few days later I felt it had doubled in capacity.
I know Seokjin is feeling more than guilty; he is also in even more misery because for the first few days Everleigh wouldn't eat anything. He worried so much about her health that his own appetite started suffering from it. I'm not sure I can remember a time seeing him turn away food. He would still make huge meals for all of us, but he would always say that he would wait until Everleigh got her plate before eating himself. After watching the plate sit there in the hallway during the duration of the meal he would sigh and resign himself to the fact that it would remain untouched. He would then put very little on his own plate and only nibble on that small morsel, most often not even finishing the scant amount himself.
I'm probably also the only one that knows that while Jungkook won't switch from his rabbit form, he is kind of hating having decided that it would be his penance that he chose. After all, rabbits are herbivores, and, even more than Seokjin, Jungkook does like to eat... Everything. He likes to eat pretty much everything. He's been known to eat third helpings even after everyone else would state how full they were.
Unlike Jungkook, Yoongi won't revisit his alter form at all. I haven't completely worked out the reason for that though. I just know that in the past when he had to think something over he would go outside and sit in the shade of a tree as his Snow Leopard. I know that he and his alter don't think alike, but while his alter was at the forefront that gave Yoongi a secret place to think. I am guessing that he doesn't want to revisit his alter since he had spent so long with her as his alter before the big blowup happened.
I know I'm not the only one that knows how Namjoon is dealing with everything. He often blames himself when things go wrong in our Legion. It's part of the responsibilities he took on as being our leader, after all. The problem with that is that also means he is fighting his sin. When he becomes angry with himself Wrath rears its ugly head. It's probably a good thing that he left to the fighting rings of Tophet earlier. It will help him not only manage his Wrath, but also give him some time to let himself rage for a while as well.
The one thing I am thankful for is that I don't have to worry about dealing with a sin like the others. Taehyung was kind enough to take the two remaining sins for himself. He was understanding enough to realize that as an empath I would go crazy if I had to deal with a sin on top of everything else. Luckily, for the most part, his two sins work hand in hand.
I don't think that the others often realize how giving the quiet Euralyend can be sometimes. Right now he is helping us by trying to reach out to Everleigh by letting her know who he is. Letting her in. What I don't think he realizes for himself is that while he is doing that he is also slowly romantically connecting with our shared mate. He is starting to fall for her just like we all have been all along.
A rabbit wasn't really meant to continuously walk over the hard floor of our homestead every day. The little jelly bean looking paw pads could only cushion so much, and it wasn't like I could just put rabbit shoes on. Because guess what. That's not a thing!
I was also really fucking sick of the vegetable crap that Seokjin kept putting in my bowl. Oh, and isn't that the shit?!? The fact that Seokjin legitimately went out and bought me a food bowl since I insisted on staying a rabbit.
I was sick of this punishment. I don't even really remember why I decided this was going to be my personal reparation for the way we made her feel. I think in the beginning it was in hopes that she might open her door a little bit, and I could hop in as the 'bunny' she so adored. Now I know thinking that was selfish as fuck of me.
Sometimes I was sure that I was falling for her a hell of a lot faster than the others. After the past five days though? Yeah, I don't think that's the case at all. In fact, I'm pretty damn sure that every single last one of us is already, at least halfway, in love with her.
Surprisingly, even Taehyung. Until three days ago I would have told you the guy had to be a cold hearted asshole to not feel something for her at all. I am starting to believe that I misinterpreted how he was feeling. Perhaps he was just approaching the idea of a relationship with her more cautiously than the rest of us.
I do wonder if he has tried to kiss her yet though. I mean he shares with us everything that has been going on every day in that room with her since he approached her three days ago. He has even got her to eat more, which most definitely helped relieve Seokjin a bit. But is that all that has been going on? Is there more that he is keeping to himself?
Jimin pointed out to me yesterday how poorly I've been taking care of myself. Getting up this morning I definitely realized he was right. I was light headed and weak, things a Fae Demon hybrid probably should never be. I blamed whatever remained of my humanity though. Or maybe not that specifically, after all part of the definition of humanity is having the quality of being compassionate. I think that means humanity defines more than humans. So I guess instead I should blame whatever human cells I still might have left within me.
I glance over at Jimin as I start making lunch. We haven't been really communicating much telepathically lately. All of us have been just lost in our own thoughts and heads. Despite that though I decide to reach out to him now. "I know I haven't been taking care of myself. I promise that changes here and now." I could have just said it out loud, but I thought perhaps if I took the first step in opening up telepathic communications again that it might get us all at least a little bit out of our doldrums.
"I'm sick of all the vegetables." Jungkook broadcasts.
That thought has Jimin and I legitimately laughing in response.
"Perhaps, you should stop being a rabbit then." Yoongi solemnly adds.
"Just because I'm a rabbit doesn't mean I can't eat meat." Jungkook replied again.
I shake my head and kindly attempt to add, "As a rabbit you don't have canine teeth capable of ripping and chewing meat. You have incisors, premolars, and molars. I made sure I knew this when you decided you weren't going to change back for that first meal five days ago. I didn't want you to damage the teeth of your alter. Not that I am sure what would have happened, but I am sure the result would be nothing good."
Jungkook surprises all of us by coming back into the kitchen in his humanoid form. "Thank you, and I'm sorry." He says before surprising me once again by giving me a hug.
Oh yay everyone is acting like things are perfect and splendid once again. I snort to myself. Since when have things ever been perfect and splendid? I covertly look up at her bedroom door. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I wish I were the one consoling her.
My alter glares at me. That very first day I wanted to change forms. I wanted to be able to escape within my alter's mind like I would normally do. The grumpy fucker wouldn't let me. He basically mentally batted at me with his paw and gave me a look that said. 'You fucked this up. You fix it!'
It's quite disconcerting not being able to shift. I've been able to do it for more than six hundred and ninety years after all. Not having that as my coping mechanism has not made the past five days easy on me. Both my alter and I are equally distraught at not having access to at least see our mate. All I want right now is the chance to see her. I'm smart enough to know that trying to apologize would probably blow up in my face right about now.
My alter paces and turns to squint his eyes at me. 'Well do something.' That's how I interpret his expression this time. It's a real blast trying to communicate with a large overgrown cat that is supposed to be your other self.
I'm not really mad at my mates anymore. I don't know how to make the next move though. I realized the reason why I shut them out for five days straight. I've never been in an adult relationship. I'm suddenly thrust into seven all at once, and I don't know how to manage being in one let alone all seven. I also have no one to get advice from. I intentionally shut myself from getting too close to other people for the last five years. That means I haven't had any kind of friendship since my college roommate. Even if I was still living Earthside (yeah my mates got me calling it that too) I wouldn't have anyone to turn to.
Also, even if I did have a friend I could talk to about this what the fuck could I say. "'So you know how I'm adopted. It turns out that I sort of figured out who my birth parents are. Get this a Sexual Demon and an Elf. I shit you not, but guess what. It gets even more interesting because it turns out that the Elf side stems from the royal family of the Spring court and apparently I'm the heir to the throne.'" Then I would frown and say something like. "'Oh but finding that out scared the shit out of my boyfriends. The way they reacted? They froze. I didn't take that reaction well. When it all caught up to me how they didn't reach out to me, physically, verbally, or even emotionally. No, instead they all simply stared at me in shock.
"Of course, I didn't take that well at all. I took it to mean that it didn't matter how our relationships were developing. How each of them were getting to know and cherish me being in their life in their own way. Now the only thing that seemed to matter was that I was Fae royalty. Because of how they have been mistreated by their own race, due to the fact that they had human genes as well, they couldn't be with someone who fate deemed the future monarch.'" I didn't realize it at the time, but at that moment I feared that they wouldn't want our bond. How could they when I was meant to rule the race that shunned them due to their parentage?
It's what I was worried about the most, even though at the time I didn't fully realize it. In that moment of worry I misconstrued their lack of response as being appalled at the idea of being with me. They didn't explain to me how mates worked exactly. I should ask, but I took it to mean essentially soulmates. In my mind rejecting your soulmate just simply wouldn't be done. It would be the equivalent of metaphorically cutting out your heart and theirs and stomping them both to pieces. Hell, that's kind of what it felt like too if I were to be honest.
Perhaps that is how I should start the conversation. Ask them what mates to Fae mean. Although, come to think of it, Namjoon mentioned that Demons also had something similar to the Fae concept as well. "I guess they didn't know themselves if I was their fated mate through our Fae line or our Demon line."
I sigh. "Maybe I should first let them in by opening up my mind to them once again. Maybe I should stop talking out loud in fear that they might mentally hear me."
I let myself consider doing that over and over again for a few minutes, and of course when I finally decide to just bite the bullet I get a knock on my door.
I know who it is. It is lunchtime after all. Taehyung's been spending all his meals with me, but he usually stays for a while after lunch. Sometimes we just talk, but he has been also sneaking in lessons with me as well. During the first one he mentioned wishing that Jungkook was with him to help give me some visuals of what he was trying to explain. When he said that I frowned at the idea. He was right, it would make things easier, but I wasn't ready to see him. I wasn't ready to see any of the rest of them.
He's been good about not bringing any of them up again, but that also means I don't know how they are doing. I don't know if they are talking about trying to fix things. I don't know if they are frustrated that they can't see me. I go to the door and let Taehyung in.
He takes one look at me and sighs. "What's wrong?"
I rattle off everything I was just thinking. I don't leave anything out, well I do rearrange the whole non conversation around. I mean he doesn't need to hear that I was essentially having a conversation with my imaginary friend after all.
"Why don't you and I have lunch? Then we'll talk afterward. Before you say anything I'd like to get a few things off my chest also."
I have to admit to myself that I am probably the biggest coward of our whole Legion, or at least I am right now. I'm chewing my food so slowly in an attempt to delay this conversation as much as possible. The past few days have been amazing, and while I still consider her to be one of the most unique creatures I have ever encountered, I realized that it was an exceptionally good thing. Because being unique to me started to grow to mean endearing. That idea grew on me, and I soon knew that meant she was the most important person in the world to me.
It didn't matter her parentage. It didn't matter that there were times I would be lost while talking to her. We saw the world through different lenses. I saw the world through a microscopic lens that helped me see the world's flaws. She would often see her world in a bifocal-like lens. It would zoom in on specific things that would concern her, but she wouldn't ever see the full picture because the bifocals had blinders to the world beyond those concerns. There were also times with the way she would talk that I realized she sometimes would see the world through not rose colored lenses, but lenses in all the shades of the rainbow. Her optimistic ideas were so big and bold, that saying she saw the world in rose colored lenses just simply wasn't accurate enough.
She finishes everything on her plate. Everything. Which is amazing because the past few days she has only eaten maybe half of each dish on her plate. Now though she is looking at me impatiently because I have only finished half of my sandwich at this point. I give her an apologetic look and focus on my food once more, with bigger bites this time because she is bound to notice should I continue to take miniscule bites like I had been.
I'm on the last bite of dessert, a coconut cream pie that Seokjin made last night, and the minute the morsel is in my mouth she takes my plates away and shouts, "finally!"
I point at my mouth and continue chewing that bite. She gives me an annoyed look, and I can't help but give her a half smile in response. She's so fucking cute when she does that. Hell, she's fucking gorgeous all of the time.
She sighs and throws herself back on the mattress. "You said you would go first. I've been waiting."
I swallow my last bite. "Um. First, I wanted to say that I am really impressed with all the progress you have made. Sincerely, you have come exceptionally far in such a short time. It's also nice to know that you are able to accomplish all the Succubus abilities in the book. You excelled far more than I expected in all honesty."
She sits up and quirks an eyebrow in my direction. "You mean I waited through lunch for you to tell me that? I mean thank you for the praise. I do appreciate it, but you sounded like you had something monumental to share with me."
"You're right." I pause and apparently she is beyond impatient now.
She pinches the bridge of her nose as if she had a headache approaching. "I'm right that the praise wasn't monumental? Or am I right that there was more?"
I sigh. "You're right that there's more." I take a breath and mutter out loud. "There's so much more."
"Um, should I be worried?"
"No, not at all. It's just I've never been in this position before. So, I'm having trouble coming up with the words to say." Is it hot in here? I feel like sweat might be pouring from my pores.
She smiles at me and takes my hand. "So, it's about us then?"
I can't help but smile back. "Yes, yes that is exactly the topic of conversation I am trying to bring up." I clear my throat. "When I discovered you were our mate, well first of all I never expected to have a mate. At all. But, also I never have had a romantic relationship so I didn't know how to navigate that."
"Wait. Remind me how old you are again."
I smirk at her. "Four hundred and fifty, but wait before you say anything else. Understand I have had sex before. I just haven't been romantically intimate with anyone before."
Her smile just gets bigger. "I like that you think they are two different things."
"Why wouldn't they be? Before it was just rutting into a willing body to scratch an itch. Or as Hoseok would probably say, 'fucking is sometimes just fucking.'" I frown after a moment. "Sorry, I've been trying not to bring the others up. I didn't mean to."
"I definitely have appreciated your attempts over the past few days."
That makes me think that she is starting to open up to the idea of coming out of her room again. Of letting them in again, but honestly I'm not done talking about us yet. "I realized how important you are to me. The past few days you have filled my heart with light and hope." The rest of the words I was going to say I practiced long and hard so I knew them by heart. I look in her eyes and hold both her hands in each of mine. "I know most people find some sweet endearment to call their loved one, so I thought about it long and hard. Some might call a person who could fill their heart up with light and hope an Angel. I'm tempted by the idea, but I think I would rather call you my Haven. Because you aren't only my light and hope you make me feel cherished and safe as well."
"I think that's the nicest and sweetest thing that I have ever heard. Not just to me, but heard anywhere. I don't think a romantic comedy could have aired a better moment than this. And saying that. Well I'd say you were about to get very lucky." Her lips press down insistently upon mine, and I can't contain my moan.
It seems to take several minutes for us to come back up for air, and when I do I register exactly what she said. I'm also a little lightheaded as well so I know that she must have fed off of the kiss. I don't mind but... "Get lucky? I didn't say it to–" How in Hades should I word this? How can I explain my– I of course know what I'm referring to, but I can't even properly finish that thought myself.
A/N: So the reason I pointed out this author's note is because I am take a short break from posting. For the past month or so I haven't been able to get up at my normal time, and I think that's due in part to the fact that my husband's schedule has changed. (There are also more health things regarding myself, but I don't know all the details yet.)
I also noticed that my notes are a mess, and I need to fix them before I can continue on with the story. I don't want to unintentionally fall into a plot hole.
If you are also following Alluvion's Water Lily then know that I am planning on updating that chapter again as well today. I just need to get up and get more alive before tackling proofreading that chapter. Oh, and my stomach just growled so apparently I need to eat as well. ☺
In other news not all of the reason I have gotten behind is bad. For the past month I have been working on other exciting things, and once I get something concrete finished I will be letting everyone know what that is.