Everyday since the beheading of her
father, Sansa would pray three times a day. With each sunrise and sunset to the point where she had forgotten what she still prayed for.
She was wedded to Tyrion Lannister and any prospect of returning home was tarnished by Walder Frey and Roose Bolton. There was no future for her anymore. She was a prisoner to the Lannisters and the only escape would be death. But even in death she couldn't escape the ghost of her past. She longed for the cold winter breeze that was strong enough to cut through flesh, the lessons with her Septa as she would sew and stitch. She missed the North.
she missed her family
Everyday since Joffrey beheaded her father she dreamt of being back North. With her family still intact. She missed bickering with Arya, playing with Bran and Rickon and Robb... Not a day or night would go by where she didn't miss the life she had.
She spent so many years waiting for her prince to escort her out of the North and she would welcome the South. How wrong was I to hope for that she thought to herself. She has many regrets of everything that has happened since the war started but her biggest regret was being so unkind to those who loved her the most. If I had known I would lose them all, I would have been so much kinder to them. I thought that we would have forever with one another and now it seems I am the last of the Starks.
The only form of safe heaven the Red Keep had to offer was it's garden. It reminded her of her mother. Beautiful, vibrant and strong. The roses could withstand the harshest of winds and scorching sun of the summer and still manage to blossom from the ground. That was Catelyn to her. Overcoming every adversary and still remain admirable with great respect.
The clicking of shoes perked her ear and already she feared that it was one of Joffrey's guards there to demand what she do, whom she spoke with - or dictate whatever choice she had not made for herself yet. She turned her head and was astound to see Jaime himself.
"I'm sorry, I did not mean to irrupt you." Jaime apologized respectfully nodded his head. Sansa remained silent. The two hardly ever spoke to another, despite that law decree, they were family now. "I spoke with the princess and I just needed to clear my mind." He walked toward the bench before taking a seat he looked to the young girl "May I, my lady?" he asked as Sansa nodded her head.
The two sat in silence looking up the sky, as a flock of birds flew over them. Both desiring to be cut free from their responsibility. Out of the corner of his eyes Jaime noticed Sansa quickly glancing back and forth from his now gilded hand. She was discreet about it, unlike so many others that would blatantly stare at it as if he was oblivious to his hand.
"Ser Jaime, how is she? The princess I mean... It has been days since she was last seen leaving her chambers." Sansa cordially asked. There was so much she wanted to say to Joanna about everything but where would she even begin. Sansa felt a wave of emotions wash over her whenever she thought of Joanna. In truth some part of her felt an immense of sympathy for her but on the other hand so much rage for what had happened. That she had lost her father and brother while Joanna is able to sleep in silk sheets. But then she needed to remind herself of the sacrifice Joanna made to fight alongside Robb which blissed the fire inside of her, because she too would fall victim to Joffrey's torture.
Jaime sighed as he looked to Sansa "I honestly don't know. She won't let any of us, her family, into her chambers. The appointed guard and an old friend of mine say she spends her nights crying herself asleep or screaming herself awake and during the day all she does is lay in her bed. I knew bringing her back would be difficult on me but I did not think it would be this hard. I wish she would let me in." Sansa knew of the declaration Stannis Baratheon had sent to reveal that Jaime was the father to Cersei's children and as revolting as it may seemed to her, she could see how much Jaime cared for Joanna. It reminded her so much of her father
"But surely she must have spoken to her mother. I would have thought she would be glad to be reunited with -" And then the envy brew in her again, the thought that Joanna was still able to have a mother but then again how could she be envious of a mother who would not grant her child her freedom and a chance at love "I'm sorry to hear that. I myself have tried to speak with her but she refused to see me as well. There's so much that I want say but I'm afraid to." Sansa confessed. Jaime's eyes soften as he could see the pain behind Sansa's eyes and his body ached from the guilt knowing he had a hand in the destruction of the Stark house.
It took him being held hostage, see his daughter risk her life to fight a war and be tortured to realize that they were all children, who did not deserve the pain that was inflicted on them "I'm sure you will be the first she wants to see." he sympathized "She just needs time to process... everything that has happened to her. To all of you. She cares for you- you Starks." he spoke with compassion and not a single drop of insult unlike Cersei who was furious towards Joanna forbidding her access. "She loved you, all of you."
"I don't think so... I haven't been the kindest to my family and I doubt if I would be worthy of Joanna's care." Sansa eyes shifted to her lap as she felt too much sadness to look the kingslayer in the eyes.
Jaime smirked as he rested his head on her shoulder "I heard the night of your brothers attempted assassination she fought him off. She had one of her closest friends and handmaiden personally keep an eye on you, many tell me she sought to your sisters training and was willing to sacrifice herself to ride South with him to avenge your father and bring you back home. That seems like a lot of care to me. I know Joanna, and she would not risk her life for people she did not love. She's nothing like Joffrey, my lady."
Joanna's eyes felt like they weighed of stones. She had spent a numerous amount of nights forcing herself awake to prevent herself from falling asleep.
Every time she so much as blinked all she could see was it playing in her head over and over again, to the point where it felt like she had gone mad. Catelyn's throat sliced open as blood spooled the floor, Walder Frey's sinister laughter as bodies of their soldiers fell to the floor and if she kept her eyes closed enough for too long she could feel Robb kiss her forehead as their faces were stained in blood
"Stay down and don't move an inch. I love you." he warned her as he guarded her body from being shot with piercing arrows.
She felt him , his head resting on her shoulder as she attacked the Freys, the sound of his voice choking on his blood.
And then her eyes shot open again as her vision refocussed on the empty plate in front of her. She couldn't risk joining Joffrey at the table, not with the paranoia of him poisoning her food.
She would rather have her maidens taste her food before demanding their exist. No one could see, no one was allowed to see her. The only thing keeping her alive was the thought of her child, their child. With Varys having eyes and ears everywhere she could not risk having one of his little spiders see her stomach growing.
She requested her gowns be left in her room as she would tailor them herself, sitting more loose around her barely noticeable but growing stomach and sleeves accentuated enough to hide her middle when she crossed her arms.
If word were to reach Joffrey or Tywin they would have her child slaughtered as soon as it would be born.
Joanna felt nauseous as she forced the last piece of board down her throat. Chuckling to herself as her hand soothed her stomach "You're not making this easy for me. Everytime I eat, it appears you disagree with what's being given to you." she spoke to her child as she could feel it inside of her. As terrible as her circumstances were the only thing blocking out all of the pain was whenever she spoke to their child. She imagined them inside of her listening to every word she said, and prayed they could not feel an ounce of pain she had in her heart.
"If I had it my way we would be on a farm, somewhere where the warmth of the sunset could be felt in the morning and I could bake you all of my favourite cakes. We'd have a few cattle that Greywind would take care of and he would-" her voice became strained at the thought of him not being with them. She remembers so distinctly how overjoyed he was at the news of her carrying his child. Joanna breathed deeply as she forced herself not to cry , not again.
Three knocks at her door and to her relief it was nor Cersei or Jaime demanding to see her but rather Wilmot, her newly appointed guard. Tyrion had also yet to see but with a letter had informed her that she need not leave her chambers if she wasn't ready but that he would always be there to look out her.
Wilmot was patient with especially when she would scream and plead for him to leave. He was the only one she would allow to see her. Joanna knew she , at some point, would have to see Cersei but with her pardon from Tywin, she needed time for herself. Away from her family to try and regain what was broken inside of her.
Wilmot made it easy for her because he didn't know her. He did not know if she was a good person or not, what her beliefs were and what she was enduring inside of her soul. To Joanna it felt easier to have herself be taken care of from someone who did not know her.
"Don't tell me, Jaime is demanding you to open the door or is it my mother? Between them I can't keep track anymore." Joanna sarcastically remarked she folded her arms to hide her stomach.
"Actually no, my lady. Lady Sansa asked me to hand you this." Wilmot walked towards her table to lay the sealed letter in front of her. At the mention of sweet Sansa's name, Joanna felt like she could sink into the floor. The amount of pain she was suffering through must feel so
much more difficult to the young girl
"She understood that she would not be allowed to enter but she was adamant that you receive this." Wilmot bowed as he turned his back to Joanna and proceed to exit. Joanna's nails tapped the letter as she called him "Wait, I need you tell me something."
"Yes, my lady?" He respectively obliged.
"What did she look like? Emotionally I mean? When she gave this , did she look angry..." Joanna spoke quietly as if the she feared the words escaping her lips. Wilmot stepped closer as Joanna offered him a seat at the table "Did she say it with anger or frustration."
"No, she seemed emotional but not out of anger. Rather out of concern. From her flushed face and red eyes I could tell that she was crying actually." Joanna's eyes glistened as she gnawed on the skin of her corner lip. Wilmot knew stories of Joanna, a brave and strategic mastermind soldier but all he had seen since she arrived was a terrified and heartbroken child who had no direction in her life anymore.
Tyrion had warned him of how fragile she would be but to be so terrified to face your own family spoke volumes.
"Can I ask you something? In your own personal opinion?" he nodded his head "What should I do? How do I approach Sansa knowing that her brother and mothers death are mine to blame. How do I look her in the eyes and say what do I even say." Joanna sniffed as she felt the saltwater tears roll down her cheeks.
"I don't know, my lady. I've never been in the position you are right now but what I do know is as heartbroken as you feel, I imagine Lady Sansa shares that pain. It is your decision on whether or not you leave this chamber but I think now more than ever that girl needs someone who understands what's she's going through. You realize that at some point you have to face her, my lady?" Wilmot questioned her
"Joanna..." she quietly replied "I've never been one to favour formalities around me."
"Well Joanna" her name so foreign to his voice "I don't think you owe your family anything but that girl has been through so much since she arrived here. She deserves to see you. She cares for you more than both of you are willing to admit, but then again that's my opinion." Wilmot consoled the emotional woman.
"Thank you Wilmot. Please see to it that Sansa meets me tomorrow morning."