Jungkook enters the venue and heads straight to the bar where Namjoon is already waiting.
"Scotch, please," Jungkook calls to the bartender, earning him a remark from the older man about how even his alcoholic preference has upgraded.
"It's smoother," Jungkook says, fixing himself on the barstool.
There's an air of silence between the two men that is almost uncomfortable.
It had never been like this. Namjoon is a protective brother but given that Jin is one of his good friends who'd vouched for the young man, it had been easy for Namjoon to go soft on Jungkook. He saw how much Jungkook cared for you, made you happy, and as your brother, he'll always be grateful for that.
"How are you?" The older man asks, sipping on his Martini.
"Great. Just found out my ex-girlfriend was pregnant with our son whom I didn't know existed until a week ago. You?"
"Not great. My parents have been calling me, asking how ___ is and how you are and if things are okay. Don't exactly know how to break the news that things aren't actually fine."
"They must hate me, huh?"
"Nope. You know our parents always stayed out of our relationships. They always liked you, though. But is that what you really wanna know?"
Jungkook exhales, trying to calm himself. He had time to think things through, but facing the emotions had been difficult.
"I just wanna try to understand. I want so badly to justify what she did so I could stop being so angry. I just want to stop feeling... this, " he says, clutching his chest, lips quivering. "It hurts so bad, I just don't want to feel this anymore."
Namjoon weakens at the sight of Jungkook like this, desperate to feel something else other than pain, other than anger. He'd heard from Jin how it was so hard for the young man to accept losing you, and then all this? It's a lot for one person to handle.
"She was so selfish, leaving me like that, thinking I would be okay on my own. And then I finally accepted what happened only to find out that we have a child all this time? Please, please make me understand," he begs, eyes glassy now.
"Look," Namjoon says, turning to Jungkook, who, even with his build, has never looked so small.
"I won't defend her and say that I think she made the right decision. It's just that she made the best decision she could make at that moment. She knew what was at stake and she felt that choice was the better one," he explains, similar to what Yoongi had posited.
This is your brother who always had a good read of you and it's the closest to your thoughts that Jungkook could get.
"She tried to comfort herself everyday by justifying what she did - that you did well, made it to the major league a year later. You did what you set out to do. And I'm sorry to bring this up but when your mother got sick, wasn't it that you had enough to pay for it all? No debts, no added stress for her? Life was good for you and your mother. It wasn't the best, but what if you had stayed?" He asks, the question ringing in his head.
How would things be if Jungkook stayed?
"Again, I'm not saying she was right, I'm just saying that things happened the way they did and she made a choice. Any other decision would've had other consequences and she made the one she could stand by, that she could live with. I mean, it was all she could do."
Jungkook thinks about this, how he'd felt comforted, too that he was able to pay for all his mother's medical bills when it got too much. But life wasn't good; it was excruciating being away from you, thinking all that time that you really didn't believe in the both of you, convinced that it wasn't going to work out.
All he had was the love and joy he got from baseball; it had been enough for him that time. Of course, with what he knows now, it's different.
Jungkook goes back to what Namjoon asked, about what he really wanted to know.
"Did... did she have a hard time?" Eyes pleading. "Tell me, please."
Namjoon sighs at this, not knowing how to answer. "It wasn't easy."
"Don't simplify it. I need... I need to know. I need to not feel this . I need to not be angry," he says, voice strained.
"She won't want your pity, Jungkook, you know her."
"Please, Namjoon. You know she'll never tell me. But I need to know."
The older man lets out a deep breath, knowing that you indeed wouldn't tell Jungkook any of this.
"She stayed with my parents in Ilsan after graduation. She was four months along then but was adamant about earning on her own so she took several jobs online. There was a lot of stress but that's normal, I guess," Namjoon narrates. "My parents, Taehyung, and our neighbor all took turns staying with her because she's so stubborn, you know? Wouldn't tell you if something's wrong."
Jungkook knows that all too well, that you really are like that.
"Knowing that, though, my parents had her checked every week. That's how they determined fetal distress," Namjoon slows down, tone more somber now. "It was early detection so they were able to perform a c-section right away."
Jungkook turns to him, fear and worry etched on the younger man's face. "She... she had surgery?"
"Yeah. It was pretty tough and Jungwon had to be monitored for any disabilities or delays. But yeah, he managed, she managed," Namjoon recounts. The events are so far away but it's like the worry and the relief still feel so real.
"The kid's strong, Jungkook. He has a soft and sweet soul like you but he's definitely a fighter like his mother. Perfect mix, if I should say so myself," the older man smiles, trying to turn the conversation to a lighter one.
He means it though, how Jungwon personifies the best parts of you and Jungkook.
"But they were okay after?"
"Somewhat. She was required to rest for several weeks so those two bonded like crazy," Namjoon giggles. "Good thing that Jungwon was a quiet one, barely cried, didn't give ___ too much of a hard time. It just... took time away from her earning, you know? So once she was capable, she took this job at a marketing firm that was way too hectic but paid well and it just... It was hard."
"How hard?"
"Hard. Jungkook, she was a single parent. A stubborn and proud one at that. Worked over 12 hours a day, took online jobs during the weekend, took Jungwon to daycare everyday, taught him to do everything, made sure he got to play and all..." Namjoon narrates.
"It's why my mom visited her every month for those first 2 years, why Ara and I would babysit often, why Taehyung set up a place for Jungwon at his apartment on days when ___ had an event until early morning. She only ever asked help if it was about Jungwon, never if it was about her," Namjoon sighs, recalling how painful it had been for him as your brother to watch you do it all, never taking a break, never asking for help.
"Stubborn and proud, like you said," Jungkook states.
"Yeah and well, she made a choice, Jungkook. She made a choice to leave you, to have this child on her own, and she made sure to give him everything while being the best parent she could be, taking on both roles for him and she never complained, not once. She just kept going, you know? Never made Jungwon feel any less or that he was a mistake or that he wasn't loved enough. She made a decision and she stood by it. I'll always admire her for that," Namjoon states, holding his own emotions back.
Jungkook lets this all sink in, suddenly wishing that he was there for you, that you didn't have to go through all that by yourself, that even with friends and family, he's hoping you didn't feel so alone.
He knows how you are, knows you'll exhaust yourself before you even ask for help. That's how he knew you truly loved him, when you would tell him you're tired, or that you need help, whether it was something as simple as fixing your broken light bulb or using his charms to get the administration office to agree on this event proposal you had. Being open to him let him know you trusted him. Until you didn't.
You never minded asking him, and Jungkook knows that if he'd been around, you wouldn't have minded him helping you, making it easier for you. And it crushes him that he'd wanted to be everything you needed him to be for you and for your child but you didn't even give him a chance.
He lets out a deep breath, the anger slowly dissipating and being replaced with longing, with a kind of sadness that he now doesn't know how to deal with.
Namjoon picks up on this and pats him on the shoulder. "Look, I know that you're still upset and you have the right to be. Just don't be blinded by that. You're home. You have a son that I'm sure you want to get to know. Four years is a lot but it's also just 4 years. Don't waste any more time that was already taken away from you."
"Okay," Jungkook says softly, knowing that it's still going to take a lot of getting used to.
"So, what do you wanna do now?"
"Maybe meet up with her? I mean, I was yelling at her the last time we saw each other and I just want to ask to see our son."
"Of course, Kook. I'm sure she'd want that, too."
**
You're sitting on one of the benches at the park the next day, watching Jungwon play with Namjoon and his wife, Ara, from afar. Even from here, you can make out the doe eyes of your son and his smile that reaches his eyes.
He likes the cold, just like you, and he's been running about with his toy airplane and submarine, which he almost threw in the fountain. You're smiling fondly, thinking of how the universe had been kind enough to bless you with the sweetest little angel that it could create.
You feel a figure settle next you, not too far away. Namjoon had told you late last night that Jungkook wanted to meet you, perhaps to ask for a workable schedule to spend time with Jungwon.
"Hey," he says. You shiver, and you know it's not because of the weather.
"I never got to tell you but I'm so, so sorry, Jungkook," you say, turning to him, your eyes taking in the sight of him properly for the first time. "There's so much I need to apologize for and I know it's gonna take a long time for you to forgive me."
You're unable to rein in your feelings again, but after that first conversation with him and then the one you had with Jimin yesterday, you can't help the guilt that you've been trying to temper bubble to the surface - for hurting him, for not trusting him, for not giving him a choice.
"There's no point dwelling on what happened. It's done. I'm here. I have time. And I'd like to spend it with Jungwon as much as possible," he responds.
He doesn't look at you; he just keeps his eyes out on the little boy still running about. His little boy, his son. And he can't wait to finally hold him, get to know him, fall in love with him.
"Of course, but we need to take it slow. He's a shy kid and it'll take a while. Let's follow his pace, okay?"
"Sure. We can grab lunch on Saturday, then?"
You can't help the hope that bubbles in your chest. "That sounds good, Jungkook."