to say that i hate myself is to sugar coat the ugly truth that my existence makes me want to confine my life to a dark corner. it is to
call my mom a bitch so she will punish me by canceling my plans so i don't have to face myself when i'm forced to decide what to wear. it is to say immediately say no regardless of the situation even if i really want to go, because wanting to go today and how i feel on the day of are completely different. when i say i'm insecure it's not to say i don't like myself, it's so say that i can't leave my house my room for that matter -for fear that someone i know might see and someone i don't know might perceive me. i cant control other's impressions of me and that kills me. how can i live knowing there's a slim possibility they could be having the same thoughts about me that my mind tortures me with? and even worse, what if i see myself? what if there's a mirror? i've created the most neutral place i could in my room by removing every reflective surface. if i can't see me, maybe i can momentarily forget how much i hate myself. it's to say that i love most of my features but at the same time the hate i have for most of my features outweighs the minimal pride i take in things such as my hair or eyelashes. no one is looking at my hair if they first see the three letter f word written all over me.
i cant say that world, because if someone happened to agree with me it would be the final cut off my confidence and my sense of self worth would fully disappear. the three letter f word isn't a bad word on anyone else, only on me. everything i hate about myself is beautiful in everyone else. i'm whats in common, i'm the one who ruins it. insecurity is to say that i cry myself to sleep most night knowing everyone who has ever called me pretty has lied to me. it is to know that the fact no one has ever said im ugly is that im so ugly they assume that i know it and they know that they could never call me ugly because it would be enough to kill me. you never call the ugly girl ugly because she knows she's ugly, and i know i'm ugly. i know the three letter f word is the perfect word to describe me because when i look in the mirror that's all i see. and i worry i incessantly that everyone else knows it too. they know I'm ugly and the f word and they pity me for it. insecurity is to say that if i woke up in a different body, with a different face, and personality i wouldn't be me and i would be happy.