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"Librarian?...I suppose that is within the realm of possibility, however, for everything else, for you to find employment so quickly..."
Her words felt like daggers, as always. And to at least stop the bleeding, I would admit:
"I had...many...obstacles"
Just saying so was suffering, yet to not concede would only bite me in the rear later.
After putting it like that, she wouldn't complain anymore, right?
"That's more like it"
With her eyes closed, she spoke in satisfaction, she really wouldn't let me off.
That had continued from the start of this talk, as she pushed for more and more from me, and asked for every detail.
The more I spit out, the more she critiques the spit, the number of blades in me couldn't be counted anymore, it wasn't blunt, it wasn't heavy, nevertheless, they cut deep into me.
She pressed me for more. Perhaps it knows no bounds, her desire to know.
"Though, what about now?"
"Hmm?"
I merely glanced at her, prepared to answer again.
"What are you doing right now?"
I sensed concern in her voice, though, I suppose it's also condescending, to say it like that, it was very much like her.
But from her face, one, earnestly asking, and with those pair of deep blue glaring at me, to ignore her, to not answer her would be wrong, that's just how it was, but...
I could bend the truth, I could twist my words to make them sound different, I could make her misunderstand, I could lie.
Yet, I didn't feel like I could, doing it to her of all people would have left a bad taste in my mouth.
I could do all that to someone else, but for her, it was a different case. On the other hand, for the truth to come out, there will be consequences, there will be sacrifices.
Was I willing to take them?
"Freelance"
It was casual, a simple answer.
Freelance, it's not completely incorrect, I do work when I want to.
But in that moment, I wanted to punch myself, I wanted to correct myself, I wanted to confess and say the truth, even so, this pathetic compromise was all I could manage. Even if I looked untroubled on the outside, I was in total chaos from within.
"Freelance, you say?"
(She bought it?)
"It suits you well"
She still wasn't 't done, she's still condescending, it seemed she'd continue to do this for every word I said.
I ignored her snicker, for what I concerned myself with was only, yes, what I'd said, she'd responded, now, there was no taking it back, I'd done it.
Now, I could only hide. Hide from her through this disgusting deceit that I myself made.
But, what to do now? This talk could end right now, I've told her everything that I could, yet, even though I've said my piece to her, she hasn't done so to me.
While I was being squeezed dry, she didn't offer anything on her side, maybe she didn't want to? Maybe it was because I didn't ask...let's change that.
"What about you? What have you been up to?"
"Fueh?"
She sounded confused, surprised, she looked at me clueless, as though she didn't know how to answer that, as if she assumed I'd never ask.
Though, now her cheeks were flushed with red and she gave a perplexed look.
As if I wasn't supposed to say that. Maybe I was right. I thought I was trespassing, and even if I didn't know where the line was, even if I wasn't sure if I'd crossed it, still, I had this lingering sense that I did, maybe that was something I shouldn't have done.
"Eh-ah, no...uh...sorry..."
I tried to clear that statement, to erase it, yet I myself had no clue as to how to do it.
"No, it's nothing to apologize for"
She said it as if I'd done no wrong, and she only offered a gentle smile in return, nevertheless, I was still too flustered to know what to do.
She then held her hands at the rail, and in front of her was a clear amber sky. She gazed upon it with fondness.
"Nothing unexpected, we all lived our normal lives, just as planned"
At that moment, she started to talk,, I compelled myself to listen entirely, as I drew my eyes to her face, and to her lips.
"I went overseas on some occasions, though it never went on for long...I've finished all that was necessary, I was prepared, I worked under my father...though..."
She stopped herself, and as she finished her sentence, I felt the sentiment of a pained memory, and right below, I heard the sound of something being rubbed.
She squeezed her wrist slightly, as would someone with a vexed expression.
"As Nee-san frequented her overseas travel, it appeared more and more as though mom intended to hand me her position"
Her distressed face showed, with someone as competitive as her, she must've resented. A victory she won by default.
To her, surely, that would've been a meaningless win.
Her ideals and her bottomless pride had made her into this, as she couldn't possibly take it in any other way besides a face to face confrontation.
This wasn't the demeanor I'd expect from her, yet I wasn't thinking of that at that moment.
I merely stared at her, unknowing of what to say, of how to act.
Eventually, her expression started to dissipate, and clearly, I could see a different face.
"Though, it doesn't matter now..."
I replied nothing, and I only waited for her next words.
"Since I've managed to do it"
"Do what?"
I just blurted out, with no care, merely wanting to know her answer.
.
.
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"I've managed to acquire it"
She uttered under her breath, it was so soft, and it was so low, yet I heard it clearly, so much so that it might be the only sound that I heard.
Even with the wind making her hair flutter yet again, even with the leaves being sprinkled in-between this space, all I saw was her, all I heard was her.
Her lovely smile was all I could focus on, and she was giving off that sense of self accomplishment, an air full of pride and fulfillment.
She only gave a warm look, that was all, still, I couldn't look away, not even for a second, it felt like I didn't want to.
She sought for a way to attain whatever it was, and she did what she needed, what she wanted, breaking whatever it was that held her in place, finally, she grabbed a hold of something.
She made her own conclusion, a conclusion where she won, she won against herself, and she won against them.
To grant that old wish that she'd been keeping for who knows how long now, for who knows how much it would've cost, I didn't know, but she did, I was sure of it. Furthermore, for her to go through with it was just...
To do something like that...and I would say, knowing her, she would've done it by herself, and even if she didn't, even if she had to get help, still, she could've accomplished it on her lonesome.
It has always felt as if she had superiority over me, even from the start, but...this time it was different. It felt as though she did something that I never could've done myself, I was willing to admit that.
And that part of her...it was bright...so bright as if everything else was void and dark, and only she was visible, but more than that, it left me entranced.
I only stood right beside her, yet it felt as if she was far away, it felt as if I could never get a hold of her. My senses went numb, my fingers could only shake slightly, and even then, I was still frozen in place.
I believed that was the case.
This state of mine stopped immediately as she turned away from me and, with a meek voice, said:
"I-I'm sorry, you didn't need to hear that"
She didn't face me, she partially turned away, and only made subtle glances at my direction.
"N-no, it's fine"
I was still as still as stone, yet I managed to respond.
"Actually..."
My head started to nod slowly.
"Thanks for telling me that"
I wanted to make it clear to her, what she said, and what I heard, though I had mixed feelings about, it was reassuring to hear that, to hear so from her.
"It seems even the great Yukinoshita has her troubles"
Sarcastic in tone, even somewhat haughty, I joked with her.
And she, in return, pouted...
Her eyes were sharper than before.
Seeing that glare, it was terrifying...yet, also satisfying, it's not that unique taste, but, still. I had no idea of what she could do to me, so pushing her too much would probably be a bad move.
But, even with that scary look, her cheeks puffed slightly, with a luscious pink, they were lightly glowing.
Yet again, I did nothing but stare.
"And, your eyes are still as rotten and revolting as always"
She countered with an insult of her own.
(Her tongue is as sharp as always)
But, even if her Yukipedia is filled with new updates, she still used her favorite card, something true can't be argued with after all.
But, seriously.
At that time, it felt natural, it was quiet, it was small, it was subtle, I didn't know how, I didn't know why, still, it just came as smoothly as if instinct.
At that time, I was at ease. At that time, I wasn't focused on doing anything.
At that time, I was smiling.
I only looked in her direction, staring idly at her, doing nothing.
"That disgusting smile and those eyes really do make you seem like a fiend. Only you, Hikigaya-kun"
And while that happened, she giggled to herself, yet again, her condescending tone reached me, and it always would.
Even so, I didn't care.
Both of us had a smile on our faces to some degree, yet, those smiles were for different things.
Even so, I still didn't care.
I continued to look at the view in front of me.
Her silky smooth clothing, with no signs of wrinkling, and no dirt, no stain could be found, tailored neatly, suiting her well.
Her long supple legs, clothed in those black pants, though there was no exposure, they were almost skintight, and so, they were revealed, in a way. The mind is powerful, and so is the imagination.
Those jet black heels, it made her an inch taller than normal, with her head almost above my shoulder.
Her figure stayed nearly the same as I remembered from before, perhaps more...feminine? I had no idea. Though, as I look to around her chest...unfortunately, genetics...still a cruel mistress.
Her skin had still retained its youth, it was pale, despite that, it brimmed with life, glowing lightly under the falling sun, it tinged in orange, however, her skin still had that pure white complexion.
From her hair, to her eyes, to her skin, to her lips, to her voice, at a moment's notice, any one of them would've taken my breath away, though in that moment, I would just enjoy this view.
I continued to gaze at her, completely, and as my eyes made their way down to her fingers, they quickly went blood shot from what they saw.
"Is something wrong?"
Perhaps having a glimpse of my jolted face, she came to question me, and as I returned to my senses, I attempted to calm my tense exterior.
"I-it's nothing"
And then, the remnants of my former face had been erased.
"I just remembered, Komachi's cooking tonight, so I gotta go"
Then, I blankly replied with that.
"Eh-ah, yes, I understand"
A dejected tone that I heard from her, looking down as if to avoid my gaze. Then, a reply of her own.
"I was just about to go home as well"
She reacted with a half-smile.
"I see"
Was my only answer.
"See you"
I blatantly replied after.
"Ah, yes, see you later"
She did the same, with her warm smile sending me off, though when I looked again, I could see her hand, tightly in place near her chest.
And so, we said our piece, and we parted ways.
With that, I turned away from her, slowly, my legs began to move as I could hear my own footsteps.
As the stairs lowered me, as I left the bridge, I turned back, in my peripheral, she still stood there, by herself.
Yet I continued walking, only a return to what I'd been doing seconds before.
.
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(It'll still be 2 hours before dinner, but I made to rush it, again, I deceived her, thrice in a row. Now, I wonder, if I'll do it again)
(Freelance, it's merely a fabrication, made in the moment, and also...I knew, from the start, I knew, even if I'll never admit it to anyone, I knew, standing there blankly and listening in as if everything was new news to me, it was all a false front, this distorted trust that she's given me, made it that way)
(And all the things she told me?)
(As if I wouldn't know, about her, about everything. Playing her for a fool, I never thought I'd ever go so low like that, especially to her, this will all go down the drain at some point, and at that time, I'll consider it reaping what I sow)
(But...it scares me, of what's to come. If we ever meet again, at that time, what will happen? Will I tell the truth? Will I ever come clean? Could she have already known from the beginning? The ramifications of today are still unknown, and that's what's going to keep me up at night)
(It's happening yet again, just like before, this never ending cycle will continue, with me, with her, it won't end in any normal conclusion. We won't say "Goodbye")
(I think this dishonesty will continue, as it's the only thing keeping me near her)
(But most of all, I'm lying to myself, again, and again, this time as well)
(As I saw her fingers, what made me act like that was at the realization that:
Her fingers were clean)
(This is merely an assumption, nevertheless, knowing her mother and how she would have rushed things under her control...but no, I don't think that could happen, at least, not to that degree, that's why, them being clean was more than enough proof)
(Before, I could've known about it, but I didn't, I didn't want to know, so I kept myself under the dark about it)
(I'm just keeping it all under control, but for how long?)
(This is all a pathetic farce, one that will bring itself down eventually, regardless, that 'eventually' is what daunts me)
(Because, I don't know what to do now, all the choices that I know would inevitably go in the same direction, and being unable to act is, pathetic of me. This deceit, this lie, all I could do now, is do nothing...and that's why...)
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(I really am...pathetic)