Part I/I - Lights Out
October 27 | my office
10:46 a.m.
"Miss Humes Lana's here to see you," Cleo says through the intercom.
of course she is
"Don't let her in, I'm busy," I click the button and speak.
After a few moments, I heard a knock on my door causing me to rest my head on my hand with a sigh as soon as she walked in.
"Jesus," I sigh as I subconsciously curl my hand up into a fist suddenly feeling anxious and angry.
"You've been avoiding me since last week. Please just hear me out... I just want to apologize, I promise," she says softly as she stood by the door still. "Can I come in?"
"No, you can't!" I say trying to keep my voice down. "This isn't the place nor the time for your meaningless fucking apologies. I don't want them. Please get out."
Lana stood there looking at me in distress as I was fueled with anger, my nail digging deep into my palms forming red crescents.
"Go tell her you're fucking over me," she says interrupting me and causing my eyebrows to furrow. "Get the fuck up, Alina. Let her know you're ready to be with her."
"Lana—" I start.
"I fucked up," Lana says with a hurtful laugh. "I don't know why I said what I said but I regret it. Not because you wouldn't speak to me but because I want you to be happy. She makes you happy, Alina. I saw how you looked at her."
"You want me to be happy with you, Lana," I say in acknowledgment. "You don't mean the words you say. You've been lying to me."
"I thought that too," she says in defeat.
"You know what she told me?" I say feeling my throat constrict, remembering the night.
two days ago...
"I like you a lot," she says with a nervous laugh. "But I don't think I can be with someone who's in— still in love with someone else."
"Stell, it's not like that, I c—" I say.
"Don't tell me it's not like that, Alina. I saw it. She just... pointed it out," she says with hurt evident in her voice. "We went on a trial run and it didn't work out—"
"But I want to be with you," I say feeling myself grow vulnerable.
"I know," she says as I see her light eyes glisten. "But your heart doesn't."
I look away as a tear rolls down the corner of my eyes before she speaks up once more, "I don't know what you're doing with me. Your heart pumps for her," she says with a hurtful small laugh as she quickly wipes away a lone tear.
"I'm so sorry," I say my heart aching not because she was breaking up with me but because I've been ignoring all the signs that led to Lana and wasting her time in the process.
I reach for her hands but she slowly pulls it away with an apologetic smile.
"Don't be," she says. "It was fun while it lasted. You have a lot to figure out and I really hope everything works out for you, Alina."
I stood there not knowing what to say as she moved past me before I turn around with her back to me, "I don't want to lose you."
"You won't," she says forcing out a smile as she turned around her hurtful eyes stabbing at my heart. "Bye, Alina."
present day...
"She told me that I'm not over you," I say with a hurtful laugh as I felt myself exposed, that others can pinpoint my feelings better than I can. "So don't tell me to go work things out with her because it's over. I wasted her fucking time so I hope you're happy."
"I'm not," she says as she took another step. "I realized that when you aren't happy I'm not happy either. Even if your happiness lies with someone else. I'm not happy I tried ruining your relationship, I'm not happy with the fact that you think that I could ever ruin something that makes you happy..."
but you did
"Too late," I say as I shuffle with the papers on my desk trying to avoid her eyes. "She's right. Maybe part of me isn't over you yet. But after what you pulled... I'm not sure I love you anymore."
"Alina," Lana's voice betrays her as tears started running down her face.
"I appreciate your apology, I really do," I say as I avoid her eyes. "And I forgive you because I'm not blaming you for things not working out with Stella, that's on me... I'm disappointed. Disappointed because this isn't the person I fell in love with."
Lana started shedding more tears as the words escaped my lips, "Alina, don't say that please."
I get off my desk and grab a file along with a couple of tissues, "You know if you hadn't let me go," I say as I hand her the tissues. "I don't think I'd ever would've walked away."
I give her an apologetic smile as a few tears escaped my eyes, "I have to go to a meeting. I'll tell Cleo to lock up after you leave," I say as I get out of the office and close the door behind me.
I rushed into the staff bathroom because I had left Lana to use the one in my office before anyone would question my damp cheeks.
People always tell me that telling the truth will always make me feel better, yet it was only laying heavy on my shoulder. My mind raced with thoughts of her, occasionally beating myself up for being the reason behind her tears.
But she didn't care, so neither did I.
January 7
After our talk, Lana and I would barely make eye contact or interact with each other. It was like we had just officially broken up, exactly what our friends warned us would happen.
It has been over two months since it happened and we tried our best to not let our friends notice the suffocating tension between us as we slowly started to get comfortable around each other.
but it'll never be the same again
This weekend, Jay invited us to her parents' beach house to unwind since it was too cold to get into the water.
We all carpooled together in Jay's Jeep and headed to Malibu, blasting music with the windows down and us singing along before we became the music.
"Can we stop at a gas station?" Chuck yells over the music before Jay slightly turned it down.
"What for?" she asks as she looks at Chuck through the rear view mirror.
"I already finished half of my snacks," Chuck says making us all scoff. "Please, come on, I'll be quick."
"No," Jay says sharply.
"Lana, didn't you say you were out of cigarettes?" Chuck says.
"I have my vape," Lana says nonchalantly from the passenger's seat.
"Pleaaaase," Chuck whines, and then Jay takes a sharp turn to the gas station.
"You have two minutes starting now," Jay says as she parks in front of the convenience store, and Chuck jumps out of the car.
Chuck came back exactly two minutes later with two filled-up bags of junk and squeezed herself between Lila and me.
"Cigarettes," Lana says as she put her hand out to Chuck from behind.
"Shit," Chuck cusses because she forgot, turning to look at me as Lila chuckled.
4:05 p.m.
We were sitting around the tv, not watching anything specific as Chuck was snacking and I was eating sliced carrots just enjoying the leisure time with each other even if we do nothing.
"Kai's boss' wife has this like baking workshop and I really wanted to get into baking so I took on the course," Jay says as she shows us the pictures of the food she baked. "It's just twice a week."
"Oh, my god," Lila says as she grabs Jay's phone. "I wanna join!"
"She told me to invite anyone I wanted," Jay says. "I'll pick you up next week, we'll go together."
"You know how to make crème brûlée?" Lila asks with wide eyes and Jay nods.
"I made some for bugs bunny over there," Jay says looking at me causing them to chuckle but my eyes immediately locked with Lana. "She loves crème brûlée."
We both look up at each other, and I couldn't hold back the smile that formed on my face as I saw her lips curl up.
The dessert that will always remind me of her, the dessert that I always lick off her lips. Making it taste ten times better.
fuck
one year ago...
"I did not say that!" I exclaim defensively as I get off the stool and walk to the fridge.
"You did!" Lana exclaims as she was sitting on top of the counter.
"I did not!" I continue as I take a bottle out.
"You did!" she insists with a chuckle. "And you did it that Alina way."
"Alina way?" I chuckle confusingly. "What way is that?"
"The way— when things are not in order, you get all stiff like you're trying to control every muscle in your body."
"What?" I laugh at her face expression. "I make that face?"
"Oh yeah!" Lana says with a grin. "The face is the best part."
"Oh, my god," I whine as I walk toward her, helplessly. "Does my face betray me that fast?"
"Not really," she says as she cups my face. "I just know every breath, every sigh," she whispers against my lips before I devour them.
"That tastes so good," I hum as I taste the cream off her lips, making it taste ten times better.
"My lips or the cream?" she smirks.
"Whatever you want it to be," I say as I turn around but she clutched my arm, as she gets off the counter, pushing me against it.
"Don't walk away from me," she smirks.
"You have a little something," Lana says as she held my chin in her hand and licks the cream left on my lips. "There," she says with a smirk before resting her back on the sofa.
"I know what you're doing," I say suggestively.
"What am I doing?" she challenged.
"Oh, okay," I chuckle as I lean forward and pass her the plate again. "Eat it."
She stares at me for a few seconds trying to read my expression, before she takes the plate from my grip without breaking eye contact.
"This is so fucking good," she mumbles after she took a bite.
"Can I try?" I give her a smile as I stared at her full lips.
"You don't have to ask," Lana smirks as I straddle her hips, and lean down to capture her lips.
She moans into the kiss when my tongue penetrated her mouth, as she pulled my hips against her causing me to buck subconsciously.
"So good," I whisper against her lips with a smile.
"I know something that tastes better," she smirks as she lifts my shirt, and plants kisses on my chest, moving away the strap of my bra.
present day...
"Hellooo," Chuck snaps her fingers in front of my face breaking me away from my trance. "Where'd you go?"
"N-nowhere," I say as I look back at Lana giving me a soft expression before I rolled my eyes and bit into the carrot making her smile. "Let's make it. All of us."
"What, right now?" Jay asks.
"Yes, right now," I say as I get up. "Your parents always stock up the fridge before we get here so we have everything we need."
"Let's do it!" Chuck says as she walks toward a pregnant Jay extending her arms to help her up. "Come on, Mama."
•••
"Why are you hiding behind me?" I ask as Chuck was clinging onto me while the girls were on the other end of the counter putting together the mixture. "What did you do?"
"Sh! Lower your fucking voice," Chuck whispers. "I might've given Jay salt instead of sugar."
jesus christ
"Why does it taste like that?" Jay asks confusingly as she shuffles around the ingredients as Lila and Lana start tasting around.
"Oh fuck," Chuck says nervously. "I'm gonna make a run for it."
"Chuck!" Jay yells out. "This is salt you dumbass!"
"Who puts salt in a jar labeled coffee!" Chuck says defensively. "How the fuck would I know!"
"I swear to fucking god I would come for you if it weren't for the fetus I'm carrying!" Jay says causing us all to laugh.
12:55 a.m.
Suddenly, the lights went out and everything went dark. I tried to pull myself together and find a source of light.
"What the fuck," Chuck says.
"Just great," Jay says sarcastically. "The power's out. Dad warned me it would happen."
"Where's the power supply box?" Lana asks.
"No use," Jay says as we all look at each other in the dark. "The power will come back in the morning."
"Well shit," Chuck says.
"Guys..." Lila starts nervously. "I'm freaking out someone open a flash or something I can't breathe."
We all opened up the flash on our phones as we walked around the beach house looking for candles to take to our bedrooms since the power went out as we were about to go to bed.
1:04 a.m.
I stepped into the room and collided with the bed making me wince before I rub my knee to I soothe the pain.
The room was bleak, cold, and completely dark. It was quiet and somber and I felt a chill as the darkness engulfed me.
I was laid there on the bed for thirty minutes waiting for slumber to wash over me, but I was wide awake due to the darkness that came out of the absence of light.
I gently walked out of the bedroom and went down the stairs, making my way to the open area of the kitchen and the living room. Low light was coming through the large windows from the moonlight against the cold marble.
I found candles and a lighter laying on top of the kitchen counter, and due to the flickering yellow the room is dark, the shapes of the furniture discernible but the colors so muted that they are almost grey.
I had my elbows on top of the counter and rested my head on my palms. I heard barefoot steps get closer from behind me.
I turned around trying to stretch my eyes as wide as possible but I could barely make out a feeble outline of some distant object.
A few moments later I see a shadow emerge from the darkness "Hi," she says in a soft voice as she opens the fridge, prompting me to look up as though she wasn't expecting to find me here.
My eyes fell on her orange satin robe, with the hem of her garnet red bra peeking out. Her hair was in a low loose bun, making her jawline glow in the warm tones conveyed by the candles.
she looks like an angel
"Are you okay?" she asks as she looks at me worriedly after she took a bottle out of the fridge.
"Can't sleep," I say nonchalantly, staring straight at the flickering candles, observing their movements.
"It's not the dark, is it?" she asks as she walks toward the counter. "You love the dark."
"I do," I say as I look up into her emeralds, staring back at mine. "Used to. It's almost suffocating now."
It was the first time Lana and I are alone together in the dark room, even the ticking had a relaxed feeling as if it was a heartbeat at rest when she walked in.
But I was infuriated as anger takes over me every single time, as though I'm still holding onto a grudge, I never wanted to let go of.
"I get it," she says as she takes a sip of the water.
"Yeah—I'm gonna go. Good night," I say as I lean back and turn to leave.
"Are you sure you wanna be alone in the dark?" Lana asks softly. "You can stay. I don't bite."
"You being here doesn't make it any better," I say seeing her look down as though she knew she deserved my remark.
"It's been three months," Lana says softly as she looks up at me, her facial expressions making my knees weak.
"And?" I ask.
"You said you forgive me but I still feel like I'm being punished," Lana says.
"You earn forgiveness," I say and she lets out a small sigh as I take a step forward.
I stared straight into her eyes, then down at her full lips begging for mine.
even the dark seemed so bright
I took a step closer and she took a step back causing her back to hit the counter.
I was annoyed that even after all this time, she still had this effect on me. I hated how hard it was to see her and not have that physical connection and sexual attraction. She had full control over my body, I couldn't deny it.
"Sometimes we do things without thinking," Lana says nervously. "And not regret them. We just... do them."
Knowing she was close to me was enough, but seeing her face only made me madder.
"The problem is," I start softly, knowing I'd regret it. "If I kissed you. I don't think I'll be able to stop."
I took a step closer our bodies against each other, causing heat to overtake my body as I felt her against me. My hands roam her body, before I push my knee in between her legs, causing her to gasp unexpectedly.
"Then don't stop," she says in a sultry tone with her mouth agape.
fuck it
I look back at her face for a few seconds feeling betrayal and desire course through my veins before I look behind her at the candles. I blow them out and immediately wrap her legs around my waist.
i didn't want to see her
I rested her on top of the counter and yanked her satin robe aggressively and pulled her underwear down, spreading her legs wide.
"Oh god," Lana moans before I even touch her, as I leaned closer to her center.
I lapped her center a couple of times, gathering as much wetness as I can. She had her palms pressed against the edge of the counter with her head thrown back, soft moans leaving her lips.
I couldn't see her, I could only hear her moans in the silence that the darkness brought.
"Ah, fuck," she moans softly trying not to make too much noise as I was bringing her over the edge.
After she came I wrapped her legs around my middle once more and started nibbling at her neck as I walked her to the long couch, hoping I don't trip over due to the almost pitch black light condition.
I threw her on the couch and hovered over her body, unclasping her bra swiftly before attacking her breasts, biting down occasionally.
She whimpered as she was overcome with pleasure and pain. My fingers swipe her center and trail her wetness up to her mouth before she took three of my fingers into her mouth.
I pull my fingers out of her mouth and find my way back to her center. I immediately pushed two digits inside of her before adding the third soon after, causing her to buck her hips.
"Fuck!" she cusses as she continues to hold back her loud moans that have been threatening to escape.
I knew she was trying so hard not to moan as I force my fingers in and out of her. I bit down on her hard nipple, I felt a gush of wetness against my fingers a few seconds later.
I pulled my fingers out and brought them up to my mouth, licking them clean. She rose herself up to her elbows as she was catching her breath with me standing on my knees in between her legs.
I push at her shoulder causing her to fall back again, before moving my hair to the side and taking her earlobe into my mouth, as my hands continue to stroke her breasts.
I felt her hands on the waistband of my shorts, attempting to pull it down but I pushed her hand away and locked both her hands over her head.
"Don't touch me," I whisper in her ear.
My hand goes down to her soaked center once more and I find a steady rhythm on her clit, moving my fingers in a circular motion, seeing her squirm from under me, getting turned on again.
After a couple more orgasms, Lana's body couldn't take it anymore, and we passed out on top of each other before anyone of us could say anything about what happened.
6:57 a.m.
My eyes flutter open and I see the sun rising through the window. The daylight revealed all the things I wanted to leave in the dark. I panic internally, glad I woke before anyone could walk in on us sleeping on top of each other.
My eyes fall on Lana who was sleeping peacefully, in an incredibly deep sleep. I decided not to wake her up because I knew she'd be up before anyone else.
also because I didn't want to talk
I gently got off her and covered her with a quilt next to the couch before I walked up to the room.
what the fuck did I do last night?
I rushed up the stairs, feeling the cold marble on my feet before I threw myself on top of the bed and drifted off to sleep.
10:09 a.m.
After I grabbed my phone from my bedside table, I scrolled through it for a few minutes before walking into the bathroom.
I put leggings on and a black henley shirt before putting simple makeup on, fixing my hair before going down the stairs.
"Hey," I say as walk to the counter, seeing Jay, Lana, and Lila standing around the counter as Jay made pancakes.
"Hey, morning," Jay and Lila say as they pass me blueberries.
I sat on the stool and unlocked my phone, and subtly looked at Lana from my peripheral vision.
she has not looked at me once
"Lana watch the pancakes for me," Jay says as she takes off the apron. "Lemme go wake Chuck up."
"I'd love to see you try," Lila laughs as she gets off the stool and follows Jay up the stairs. Leaving Lana and me alone.
fantastic
"Did you end up sleeping okay?" Lana says after a few seconds of silence while she continues to make the remaining pancakes.
"Yeah," I say cautiously. "Did you?"
"Sure," Lana says as she comes back to the counter placing the pancakes on it.
silence
"It's funny how you call me selfish," she says after a few seconds, finally looking up at me. "Yet, you fucked me last night, and didn't even let me touch you, and on top of all that I wake up only to find you gone."
shit
"I just wanna know one thing," Lana asks. "Do you get off on fucking up my feelings?"
"What? No," I finally with my eyebrows furrowed. "Isn't this want you wanted? You came onto me, Lana, not the other way around."
"Yeah I did," she says. "Because I miss you. I want to be close to you."
"God, were we not close enough for you last night?" I ask with a sarcastic laugh.
"You know what," Lana scoffs before she throws the spatula to the side and walks out of the kitchen. "You're just as fucked up as I am."
"Where are you going?" Jay asks Lana as they meet halfway.
"I'm not hungry," Lana says as she walks up the stair.
"What did you do?" Jay asks me angrily, as soon as Lana left.
"Why do you always think it's me!" I exclaim, sounding unintentionally harsh before I make my way toward the stairs.
I gently knock on the door waiting for her response but got nothing. I turn the door knob and she was giving me her back.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" I start as she turns around sharply. "You tell me one thing—"
Lana interrupted as she pushes me up against the door and attacked my lips.
fuck
I kiss her back subconsciously before she deepened the kiss, as I felt her inhale me. I pushed ber off me abruptly not wanting to giver her false hope.
"I want you, Alina," she says breathlessly. "And I know you want me just as bad."
"I don't want to commit—" I say causing her to take a few steps forward.
"Who said anything about commitment?" Lana says as our faces were inches apart. "I just want you to fuck me."
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