I should have never fell in love with him. From the beginning, he already told me that I'm just his gate, nothing more. But the stupid me had to develop feelings for him. This stupid heart had to scream his name and treasure him. I very well knew that he just thinks of me as a person working under him with the same rank as everyone. He will never held me dear in his heart. And the words he just said proves it all.
I smiled painfully, rethinking about the way he stared at me earlier. It was so foolish of me to think that that has a meaning. I was such an idiot to hope that he's starting to adore me like how I adore him. In the end, I'm just giving my self a false hope. I'm just feeding my own imagination. Damn, I feel like a hopeless romantic trying to find love when there really isn't!
I retrieved my hands from him, stepping away from the devil. I used the 'I'm tired' excuse and left him there in the middle of the dance floor. He called me by the nickname he personally constructed several times, trying to make me go back but I'm too hurt to do so. The corner of my eyes are starting to sting. I took that as the cue to fled from here and hide myself away from people's eyes. I ran and found a dark space under a large tree. I hid there and let my tears come out as they like, silently praying that no one will wander in this kind of place and witness my pitiful state. I'd die from shame if that would ever happen.
It hurts. But all I can do is cry and keep it all hidden from everyone. I don't want them to feel sympathy towards me. Is loving V really so pathetic of me? I sobbed in the dark quietly, wiping my tears using the my palm and the back of my hand harshly. Thankfully, no one find this place. I stayed there sitting down behind the three with my knees pull up to my chest. I hugged it and hid my face on top of them. My heart keeps tightening and the eyes never get tired of shedding tears. I want to laugh at my pitiful self, if I ever come out and come back there they all will surely laugh at me. Damn, tears! Damn heart! Choosing the wrong person to love.
Was it really wrong? The answer is yes. It is indeed wrong to love a devil. No matter how you look at it, a human is for a human, and a devil is for a devil. Thus implying that he and I are not a good match.
I swallowed the bitter fact and decided that I should really digest it. There's no way that he'll love me anyway, so the least I can do is accept the reality and move on. Keeping this feelings will only cause me pain and a throbbing heart, it's already broken due to my mother's death. I fear that if I continue to feel this way, the damage will grow and my heart will finally shatter into pieces. Leaving me soulless and unable to get back up again.
The hiding lasted for a long time until I grew satisfied of crying. I stayed for a little more trying to fix my look before coming out of my hiding place. I can't put a shame to myself if I go out there with puffy red eyes and runny nose, the pain in my heart is already enough to hurt me. Once I'm sure that I'm okay again and there's no sign of crying, I moved my feet and return to my allies like nothing happened. Gladly, they didn't suspect anything. Even V didn't notice anything weird on me.
The banquet is still going but I refused to join anymore. I just admire everything from afar with Yoongi hyung since he's already tired from going places to places. Seems like his sons want to knock all the places and Yoongi hyung doesn't want to run behind them all the time. That resulted to Jimin being their guard for the whole time. Poor Jimin, can't say no to his treasured husband.
The tumor in my heart didn't leave no matter how I try to distract myself from feeling down. Fortunately, my sadness didn't affect anyone around me. I don't know if they are all numb or I'm just good at keeping it hidden. I choose the latter since the other option will only make my feeling worse than it already is.
The festival ended with everyone having happy faces. V told me that next time we will visit the next town, to be honest, I don't feel like going out of the palace anymore. Right now we need to go back because the Queen need acquaintance. And those acquaintance are us. How stupid, I nearly forgot about the lonely Queen waiting for us back in the castle. We left the town with everyone bidding us goodbyes. It's sad but I return their kind gesture with a fake smile. I just couldn't bring myself to smile genuinely with a heavy heart.
"How's the visit? Did you enjoy it?" Once we're back, the Queen immediately turn to me to ask questions.
"Yes. I did, Mother Hell. But I don't think I want to repeat it again. It's actually tiring.." not to mention something happened that drained my energy. But I don't think I can tell that to V's stepmother.
Queen Hellerity laugh whole-heartedly about my complaint. "It indeed is, Jeongguk. So! Are the people bewildered by your presence?"
"At first they are but they eventually get used to it and treat me like normal.."
"Are uncomfortable? Nervous?"
"Yes, I am.."
We laugh in unison then continue with our little talk. We discussed about various things and most of it are about my day. The Queen refused to tell me about how hers went on. She only limited her answers. Maybe because she doesn't really have anything to do since most of her closest aids are out. I let her reasoning slide and didn't push it any longer. Taking the hint that she don't want to talk about it.
When the Queen and I finished talking, I return to my room and there I overthink everything until the sleep pulled me in and let my mind rest. It was a dreamless night yet peaceful. For the next days, my routine return to normal. V and I are casually talking again but sometimes when I don't want to talk he let me be. The words he said back when we were dancing are still embedded in my mind and still brings pain in my heart. I'm just using work to distract myself and keep me from doing nothing and thinking nothing. Because once I'm alone again and has none to do, the thoughts are coming back in my head and hurting me repeatedly.
For the past times, I engaged myself with work. The oily utensils, dirty floors, V's messy room, and Isabella are my companies oftentimes. I really let my self be an official slave or maid in the castle. Sometimes I drown my self in books and fill my brain with hells history. Last time I went to the library to read books, I read an interesting fact.
Just like what I thought, not all devils are immortal. Only those who are from the Royal Bloodline has immortality. That made me wonder if V is from the Royal Bloodline, if he is, then that would mean we are blood related. But I remember he told me that he is the son of my father's right hand, I am the one that is from the Royal Bloodline since I am Satan's son. Then that would make me immortal, but how the fuck did I die when I was hit by the truck? And how is V immortal if he's just the son of my father's right hand?
The questions are just making my brain messy and my head hurt so I stopped from thinking about it. I can search for the answer in another time. Or I can just ask V but I doubt he'll answer me with honesty. I'm still contemplating wether to ask him if he knows about my past. In addition, he successfully prevented me from meeting Eclipsa. He restricted my cousin from entering the part of the palace where I am at. Thus, I cannot ask her anything anymore about my childhood. Such a foolish and selfish king.
I huffed in annoyance while walking down the hall. I am hugging a book as I do so. Strangely, the people in the palace are busier than ever. Castle maids are running back and forth in fast pace, holding different kind of decorations and other things that are needed for a big celebration. I have my brows knit in confusion as my eyes wander around. Why do I not know what's going on? I tried asking a maid but she speak in a hurry that I didn't understand even a single word.
"Have you heard about the celebration?" I stoped from my track when hearing a conversation. It was not my intention to eavesdrop but their topic is the one that I want to know. The two devils talking are both maidservants of the palace.
"Of course! Only the deaf one will not know what's going on later. Everyone's been talking about it.." the other maid replied. I frowned because I don't know about the celebration but I'm not deaf!
The first maid squeal that made me flinch. "I can't wait to see who the King's fiance is! I bet she's so beautiful to capture such a cold heart!" The other one agreed and they giggled in unison.
My heart dropped upon hearing the reason about the celebration. I can feel the sadness succumbed me again. God, why is this happening everytime!? I haven't even moved on from what happened in that festival now he's going to get married. Damn! Am I a sinner before that the Gods are punishing me now as payment? Or is this another sign that he and I are not really made for each other? I swallowed hard, my grip on the book tighten.
"Why are you standing there like a statue? Got something in your mind?" My body jolted when Mark appeared out of nowhere just like before. Shit! I swear this man just pops out whenever he want without being detected!
I let out a breath before answering his question. "Just heard something unpleasant to the ear" I dragged my feet to continue my walk back to my room. Mark followed me. The two maidservants talking earlier walked past us with sealed lips, I can tell they are slight nervous. Maybe because they realize that someone might've heard them gossiping.
"Are you coming to the celebration?" Mark asked after a long silence between us. I don't like talking so I keep my mouth sealed as we walk, but now that he initiate the talk, I should answer.
Why? To see the one I love get engaged to another person? I'm sure V will invite me later and I have no rights to decline. If I have, I would certainly do so without a fight. "I think I have no other choice.."
Mark chuckled but I can sense it was forced. He went silent for a while that I didn't mind. Then in the middle of the walk he stopped and was left behind. I turn around with confused face, and shot him a questioning look. "Uhm...whatever you hear later, if you want someone to accompany you, I'll just be in the corner watching you. Okay?" He smiled at me full of concern. I very well know what he is talking about but I played the innocent card.
"I don't know what you mean, but please don't do such a creepy thing and watch me all the time.." I smiled at him in return but it was not real.
My intuition about V inviting me came true. He went to my room and personally stated that I will go to the damn celebration to have my heart broken for the nth time. I didn't agree nor did I decline since my rights to do so was taken from me the moment I had a deal with him. He left as soon as he came after he successfully accomplished his mission. As if my body's automatic, I sighed heavily after my door closes.
Some maidservants I'm familiar with delivered my clothes for the celebration. Great! Now I don't really have a choice but to come! Damn that devil! He really makes sure I don't ditch.
I grunted and swear numerous times. Then lash my anger out on the poor pillow. I only stopped when my body felt the tiredness and exhaustion. Being angry sure takes a lot of energy. V also told me that there will be maidservants who will dress me up and get me ready for the party. That's the part where I refused to agree, I'd rather choose to jump on the lava lake than let someone see me naked, on top of that, dress me as if I'm a paralyzed person that can't dress his own self. Fuck that's embarrassing. I was so stubborn and persistent that V gave up and just said that someone will knock on my door and pick me up to escort me to the venue. I sighed in relief because of that.
Without initiating a battle anymore, I prepared myself to get ready. I dislike to go so there's no reason for me to get flashy and everything. I just fixed my hair a little then waited for the person that will accompany me. Not long after that when I heard the knock. I took a deep inhale first to ease my trembling nerves before I moved my feet to the door. The nervousness lessen when it was Jaeshik that's waiting for me in front.
Jaeshik was as if stunned at first while he stare at me. Maybe if I didn't waved a hand in front of his face he'd stay like that for a while. I chuckled when Jaeshik's face turn all red after he regained his self again. Him in bashful state is even more attractive. I'm guessing he's not part of the people who will party tonight since he's wearing his usual metal armor. That sucks! Well, I could sit where he's near so he can distract me from what will happen later.
When we get to the venue, my eyes almost can't believe that such a beautiful decorations can fit in hell. Well, the celebration is about their King's engagement so I understand that they took a lot of effort for this place to be this beautiful. Damn, thinking about that makes my heart throb in pain. But I'm not powerful to stop what's going to happen. Hell, I'm just a peasant here what is there that I can do? Nothing. There are none. Even if I cry blood here it doesn't matter. The least I can do is be happy for what V will gain. After all, he's my master and one of the duty of a servant is to be happy for their master. Still, I can't stop from feeling teared up and broken.
"Who invited this sad person? He's not welcome here.." Mark appeared holding a drink in his hand. He's walking to my table and decided to sit opposite to my chair. Ugh, this brothers are so very alike!
I chuckled at his remark. "The groom.." Sarcastically, I responded.
Mark sighed. Now he doesn't look like fooling around rather, he looks serious and well, more attractive. Like his brother. "So... you know that."
I simply shrugged my shoulders, acting as if the reason behind this celebration didn't affect me when the truth is, it slaps me so hard. "Just heard it from busy mouths.." I averted my eyes from him and took a sip from my own drink.
From my peripheral vision, I can see that Mark is eyeing me with concern in his eyes. I want to thank him for caring about me but the last thing I want for now is to cry like a baby in his arms. Because eventually, I will end up like that if Mark continue to look at me that way. It will make the grief come out of its hiding place and destroy the engagement party that's about to commence. I distracted myself with the food on our table. Oh yeah, I did choose a table that is near Jaeshik. He's just standing beside me with stoic face, like a Royal Guard he is.
The celebration started with V getting called by as the King of this place. He come out wearing fabulous dress but his face is like a stone. V stood in the middle to give a speech and thank everyone for coming, something I don't give a damn. He continue to talk while I on the other hand kept on shoving food in my mouth. I'm not even bothering to give a care to my surrounding, wether Mark is disgusted by me or if I'm being disrespectful. I love food, also, this is what they call stress eating. But I'm doing it in advance.
When the time comes that V is finally introducing his bride to be, I wanted to get the hell out of this place. I thought that I can handle the reality but I'm all just words and not act. I already stopped eating minutes ago and Mark really stick to his words, that he will watch me like a creep. Every second feels like eternity. All of the audiences are all waiting for the lucky woman to come out from that door. Some are just curious while most of them are excited. Me? I'm also waiting but with all of my emotions mixed together.
I watched V as he marched to the entrance where his fiance is going to come out. She must've felt nervous and shy to reveal herself alone. V extended his arm and waited for the girl to reached it, it didn't take long for her to do so. There was this smile decorating V's lips that made my stomach turn upside down. Once upon a time, I wished for that smile to be given to me, but I guess there's no genie to grant me that wish. There goes one hundred needle pricking my heart. Shit! I really want to run away now and escape this fucking place.
But that's not yet the exciting part.
I chuckled bitterly as I watched the new couple walked out, V had his arm wrapped around his bride's waist to secure her. They are both smiling as if they accomplished their missions in life. Damn! Hahaha! I wanted to cry and laugh because a piece of memory suddenly showed up inside my head. Before, V and I were also like that. He has his arm around my waist as we sleep side by side. Never thought, I'd reminisce about that today, back then I used to hate that and curse V, now how I wish for us to go back to time. Really stupid, Jeongguk.
"I introduce to you all your Queen-to-be, Eclipsa.." V announced and the news was welcomed with a loud standing ovation. Seems like everyone's happy, so I should too right?
Eclipsa's eyes wander around the crowd, and then landed on me. I could tell she's sorry for how the way ended but do I have the right to object? No. At least now, V found the right person to rule this place with.
^^