Chapter Twenty Three: Why, Alexander?
"Really?"
"Is it that surprising?" natatawa 'kong tanong sa kanya.
Junior is such a man, he's a good man, he's also adorable which I should have mentioned before.
He asked me to hang out with in lunch, wala naman kasi si Genevieve at mukhang busy naman si Alexander sa sarili niyang mga bagay bagay para sa family business nila kaya kumain ako kasama si Junior.
We talked about the first time we met and everything.
Including yung time na napansin niya 'ko and now we're talking about our future careers and our possible majors in college too, which is a very important topic.
"Not really, akala ko nga model ka eh."
"Nope, not at all. My mother is pretty strict, maybe I'll think about it." I add, taking a sip of my Coke zero after.
Hindi niya pa rin ako tinatanong tungkol sa sagot ko sa pag-amin niya sa'kin, siguro kung tinanong niya tungkol doon kanina pa 'ko umalis sa kinauupuan ko but here I am.
I stayed because he actually wants to talk to me, to hang out together.
"Mine too. But she's more strict towards our youngest sibling, it can be scary sometimes."
"I plan to major in fashion, ikaw? Anong plano mo?" I asked.
Of course, plano ko pa ring magtrabaho sa fashion industry, pangarap ko pa rin yun.
Maybe hindi masyadong pangarap pero sa tuwing naiisip ko yung mga tanong na anong gusto kong gawin sa buhay laging damit at pag-lakad sa runaway ang ending o nasasagot ko sa tanong na yan.
"Business or education, I might major in business then minor in education after, it really depends..." he answers.
"Ako rin, naisip ko ring magmajor in business kaso masyado akong focus sa fashion and styling so baka magminor din ako."
Napag-usapan na'ming dalawa ni Genevieve dati yung mga plano na'min sa future, lagi akong fashion at gano'n din siya pero never ko inamin na medyo interesado rin ako sa business.
Malaki kasi ang business tsaka kung business ang pinaguusapan, Diamantes, Cardoza at mga iba pang mga malalaking pamilya ang pinakakilala pagdating sa business dito sa pilipinas.
"Does that mean plano mo ring magtayo nang sarili mong brand?"
"Yes, actually. I just think na magandang bukas ang lahat ng options ko sa buhay pagdating sa careers. Maybe I would want to build my own brand one day or just stay styling and focusing on clothes... yep." he nods at my answer.
Kahit na eighteen na 'ko, hindi naman ibig sabihin na alam ko na agad ang gusto 'kong gawin sa buhay.
Mga bagay akong gustong gawin na baka 'di ko alam na gusto ko pa lang gawin, I want to do them one day when the time and money is right.
"You know, NEO University has great fashion majors and classes."
"Talaga? Dapat tsinek ko man lang yung mga klase at majors doon, I didn't do my research..."
"It's alright, maybe we can check it out together."
Nag-tama ang mga mata na'min sa isa't-isa and we both found ourselves smiling at each other's faces and also from his words.
"Maybe, one day...?"
I've only hung out with Genevieve, Jaxon, Yael, Silas, Ryland, Margauxx, and Alexander... minsan siguro si Quinten o si Chandria?
I think I only hung out with her once and that was it.
I had great memories with these people pero minsan... siguro dahil sila lang din ang lagi kong nakakasama, wala akong time na makipagkausap sa ibang tao.
The Manuel brothers, Alexander, Margauxx, and Genevieve are kind of in the same group or some world.
So sobrang lapit lang din na'ming lahat sa isa't-isa. Junior isn't someone close to me or to my friends, it kinda feels new to talk to someone new kahit na may gusto sila sa'yo.
Another thing, hindi niya ako tinatanong tungkol sa kung ano mang tingin ko sa kanya as a man.
Nirerespeto niya 'ko and I think that he's trying to take it slow with me, I like that, I find that quite cute and admirable.
He's also nice, like really nice.
Which is something that's hard to find in a person these days, ewan ko ba, nag-eighteen lang ako talagang iba na yung pag-iisip at perspective ko sa buhay buhay.
Si Ryland ang una 'kong napansin pagpasok ko sa classroom habang si Alexander ay napapaligiran nang mga kaklase na'min, seems like they're talking to him and he's just out there with them having fun, ang laki rin nang ngiti niya tapos may tawa pa.
I sat next to Ryland na ginagawa yung assignment niya, but then it looks like kinokopya niya lang yung assignment ko.
"What are you doing... Ryland?" matalim 'kong tanong sabay hablot nang assignment ko mula sa desk niya.
"I'm copying you, Katerina." he smiles innocently.
I roll my eyes at him, baliw, baliw talaga.
Akala ko ba mag-aaral na talaga siya, nasaan na yung pramis niya last month na seseryosohin niya na raw lahat nang mga assignments at tests na'min para makapasa na siya, nasaan na yun?
"Isusumbong kita kay Yael--"
"Hey, hey! Katerina naman eh!"
"Kasalanan mo naman Ryland, not me--"
Hindi ko natapos ang sasabihin ko at natigilan kaming dalawa ni Ryland nang may nalaglag na mga libro mula sa desk sa likod ng kinauupuan ni Ryland.
It was coming from Alexander's direction, napansin ko ang mga mata niyang madilim habang kinukuha niya yung mga librong nalaglag galing sa desk ng upuan niya.
Ano nanamang problema ni'tong lalaking 'to?
Bakit ganyan ang tingin niya sa'kin at kay Ryland?
His eyes are usually so bright and it helps to make his blue eyes stand out but I don't know... it's not bright as of this moment, it's dark... quite dark.
"What's with him?" I whisper next to Ryland.
"Hm, wala bang nangyari sa inyong dalawa?"
Naguluhan naman ako sa tanong ni Ryland, hindi ko siya sinagot at agad na napunta ang atensyon niya sa'kin na may maliit na ngiti sa labi niya.
"Anong pinagsasabi mo?"
"Between the two of you, kung may nangyari nanaman sa inyong dalawa."
"Wala namang nangyari sa'ming dalawa, bakit? Does it look like something happened between us?"
"Nope, maybe because you made him upset kaya ganyan ang ugali."
I made him upset?
Ano namang nagawa ko para galitin siya?
Wala naman akong ginagawa na mali that involves him, I think I've been pretty tame these days without Genevieve and... I don't really hang out as much with Alexander dahil busy siya at busy din ako.
"Oh... you ate with Junior, right?" dagdag niya, tango naman ako.
"Tsk, no wonder."
"What does that mean? Anong 'no wonder'?"
Ako lang ba ang naguguluhan dito? Kanina pa 'tong si Ryland, hindi lang si Ryland pero kahit si Silas gano'n na rin.
"Wala naman akong ginagawa kay Alexander, bakit lagi niyo na lang akong sinisisi kapag galit siya? God, you're just like Silas, wala siya dito pero parang nandito siya."
And then I thought about it.
Maybe hindi siya okay na kumain ako with Junior, he told me to be careful or something, I think it's this best friend or brotherly insticts inside him kaya medyo disappointed siya sa'kin pero I'm sure na 'di siya galit, I'm sure of it.
I should probably talk to him about it, it kinda bothers me in some way.
Hindi maganda na ang lalaking gusto ay masyadong strikto sa'yo pagdating sa mga kaibigan mo, especially when he's acting like such a brother towards me kahit na alam niyang gusto ko siya.
Imposible namang makalimutan niya samantalang ilang beses din akong umamin sa kanya.
Tinali ko ang buhok ko in a ponytail at hinanap si Alexander nung nag-ring yung bell na'min as the sound of recess, last recess na'min for today.
His classroom is just across ours, mine and Ryland's.
Ngumiti ako sa mga kaklase niyang nakatitig sa'kin at lumingon siya para harapin ako sa direksyon ko, ngumiti rin siya sa'kin nang maliit and probably realized na nandito ako para sa kanya kaya unti-unti siyang naglakad papalapit sa'kin sa pintuan ng classroom niya.
"May kailangan ka ba, Rina?" tanong niya.
"Ah... busy ka ba?"
"Nope, not really."
"Great, I want to talk to you about something... unless may balak ka nang gawi--"
"Nope... and... I also wanted to talk to you."
We both gave each other a nod as a sign of understanding.
Lumabas kami mula sa classroom niya at nagsimula kaming maglakad pababa sa may storage room.
"Rina, is it true that you ate with Junior, that guy?" bigla niyang tanong.
"Ah... yes."
"You could've eaten with Ryland or me, bakit yung lalaking yun?" huminto ako sa harap niya at huminto rin siya sa paglalakad at humarap sa'kin.
"This is why I wanted to talk to you, Alexander. Why... why are you acting like this towards Junior? May ginawa ba si Junior sa'yo because you're acting weird, and what's even weirder is you're starting to act like this older brother figure towards me..." I said, letting it out and taking a deep breath after.
His eyes widen, seemingly surprise by my own words, he probably didn't expect me to be this accurate and for me to find out.
"Ang bait ni Junior, he's done nothing but be nice towards me."
"But you don't know if he's just acting like that tow--"
"He hasn't asked me about my answer for his confessio--"
"Still, Rina. I need y--"
"There's no 'still' Alexa--"
"I need you to think! Katerina!"
Natigil ako sa pagtaas ng boses niya, 'di ko inaakalang maririnig ko ang ganitong boses at tono galing kay Alexander, not at all.
Ano bang problema nang lalaking 'to?
Did he just raised his voice at me?
Is he serious? Like is he being serious right now?
What is his problem!? Seriously?
"Anong problema mo, Alexander? Tinataasan mo na 'kong nang bo--"
"Because I don't like it, I fucking hate it. I'm... I'm not supposed to act like this, shit..." mura niya.
Anong don't like it?
What is he trying to say?
Oh my god, no, no... no!
Ayokong isipin yan, ayoko.
Is this what Ryland was talking about during his 'no wonder' kanina?
Hindi ko gusto yung pumasok sa utak ko, bumilis agad ang tibok ng puso ko dahil sa naisip ko.
It can't be it. It can't be this. It just can't be this.
"I'm not trying to act like your older brother... I've never thought of you that way."
Mas lalo lang bumilis at lumakas din ang tibok ng puso ko, I know this feeling very well, yung feeling na sasabog ka na sa saya kahit na wala namang kasiguraduhan na totoo yung pumasok sa isip ko, it just can't be it.
Because if this is what I think this is... ako lang ang mababaliw dito.
"You can't do this to me, Alexander... y-you... you can't." halos 'di na 'ko makahinga dahil sa nararamdaman kong higpit sa dibdib ko, my breath hitch from these thoughts... from these thoughts inside my head.
"You can't keep acting like this towards me... you can't say that either!"
Yung mga lalaking estudyante na umamin sa'kin na gusto nila ako o may crush sa'kin.
It's always been Alexander who's trying to stop them from coming after me just for my affection and a chance... and with Junior this time, seriously... is he...
"Hindi 'to puwede, okay? Pinapaasa mo lang nanaman ako, Alexander. It's tiring, I can't do this."
"No... no... hindi kita pinapaasa, Rina. Please, believe me... I am trying not to."
"But why does it feel like you do, like every time! Your actions, your smiles... just everything! Nababaliw nanaman ako, nababaliw nanaman ako sa'yo, Alexander. Kahit ilang beses ko nang pigilan ang sarili ko heto pa rin ako... baliw pa rin sa'yo." napakapit ako sa dibdib ko.
"And this... sabi mo hindi ka umaaktong parang kuya sa'kin, so what is this then? N-Nagseselos ka ba? Yun ba?" I finally ask.
Nakatitig pa rin kami sa isa't-isa at wala pa rin siyang sagot sa tanong ko hanggang siya na ang mismong pumutal nang titigan na'ming dalawa at tsaka siya lumapit sa'kin.
"No." I gasp in pain again, this is just like back then, goddamnit.
"Hindi ako nagseselos, Rina."
But why... why do you act like this?
Why, Alexander?
"Then why do you act like it?"
"Dahil kaibigan kita! Importante ka sa'kin!"
"A friend doesn't act like this! A best friend would not even do this, you would respect my decision and yes you would tell me to be careful but... you're expression and the way you react with Junior last time--"
"You're overthinking it, Rina." I laughed bitterly at his words, that is truly funny.
"You told me to think, I am thinking right now, Alexander."
I watch his eyes blink twice, thrice, many times in just a second, and the way his lips shiver.
Shit, shit.
Tumitibok ang puso ko in anticipation na baka may pag-asa ako, na baka this time may pag-asa na 'ko o baka may posisyon na 'ko diyan sa puso ni Alexander.
I can't believe this.
I can't fucking believe this.
"Alexander." I called his name.
"Gusto pa rin kita... no..." I pause, taking a deep breath.
"Mahal kita." I confessed.
"Mahal na mahal kita, mahal pa rin kita... 'di ko alam kung kailan na lumalim yung nararamdaman ko para sa'yo pero ikaw lang talaga... ikaw lang ang taong gusto at mahal ko. I fucking want you, I fucking love you... it's... it's..."
I pause once again as I wipe the tears escaping from my eyes.
"...it's always been you. It's always been fucking... you!"
I want him to listen to me clearly and think about this, think about us.
Ilang beses na ba 'kong umamin sa kanya?
Does it even matter right now?
No, it doesn't.
What matters is knowing na may pag-asa ako, na may nararamdaman siya sa'kin.
So, please, Alexander.
Tell me the truth, please tell me na may nararamdaman ka para sa'kin kahit na konti lang.
I'll try, I'll try to do everything to make you fall for me, tell me that there is a place for me in your heart.
Na nahuhulog ka na sa'kin... please lang.
So, please... just tell me.
I'm begging while trying to not make my tears fall again, I just want to hear this.
I want to hear this from him, that he likes me.
But then... of course, what you expect or what you want to hear isn't something that happens, right?
"Don't... please don't..." he paused, trying to hold himself back from completing his whole sentence.
Lumabas na ang mga luha ko sa sakit at pait.
The pain I've bottled up inside me and my heart has been released.
He looked guilty, 'yun ang nararamdaman ko.
He's guilty for letting me fall for him.
Fall for someone like him.
I want to scream sa sakit.
Kahit noon pa lang, alam ko na masasaktan ako.
But this pain... it's too much.
I can't breathe, it's so suffocating.
It's as if the only way for me to breath is him.
To have him.
And I want to have him for myself.
Is it so much to ask na mahalin mo 'rin ako, Alexander?
"Alexander... please, just once... give me a chance..." iyak kong sabi. I pick up the end of his uniform shirt as I lean forward towards him.
"Katerina..." natahimik ako sa sinabi niya, I gasped.
He's calling me by full first name.
Something he rarely does, he only calls me by my first full name kung may seryoso siyang sasabihin or kapag kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama.
I don't like this. I don't like this.
Stop this. I don't want to hear it.
"Please... don't fall for me."
If that's what you really want, then why are you telling me this with that expression of yours?
Why... why do you look like you're in so much pain?
Why are you crying in front of me?
Sometimes I wonder why, why he had to do such things?
Ramdam ko na may nararamdaman naman siya sa'kin, siguro noon wala akong alam pero ramdam ko, ramdam ko na meron kahit na konti lang.
Hindi ba pwedeng kahit konti lang din ay maamin niya na may nararamdaman din siya para sa'kin?
Bakit kailangan niya 'kong saktan ng ganito?
I love him, I do! I've always loved him!
I thought that I want to move on, but I really can't.
Kasi kahit anong gawin ko parang 'di ko kayang lumayo pagdating sa kanya.
I don't want this anymore, but even if I don't want to it's not like I can stop myself from falling in love with him even harder.
And so I did something that I could only do.
Cry. I cried over and over again.
I'm a fucking mess.
Here I am, I thought I was mature, that I am something else but I am not at all.
I am pretending to be one because of him, deep inside siya pa rin, siya pa rin ang mahal ko, siya pa rin ang gusto ko.
"Rina..."
"O-Oh?"
"Kung 'di kaya okay, pwede namang magpasabi ka sa teacher na gusto mong umuwi, ang putla putla mo oh..."
Ngumiti naman ako kay Genevieve na alalang-alala sa'kin, niyakap ko lang siya patagilid at pinalawak pa ang ngiti ko para sigurado na okay lang ako sa harap niya.
This is not the first time that this has ever happened to me. Kaya ko pa naman, kakayanin ko pa.
"Okay lang ako, medyo... naiihi lang siguro?" tawa kong sabi, pero 'di pa rin nawala ang pag ka alala sa mukha niya.
"Iihi muna ako, okie? Maglalagay na rin ako ng blush para 'di na ako maputla, hm?"
The truth is, I'm hurting inside. Kahit si Genevieve alam niya na nasasaktan ako. Feeling ko dapat naging aktres na lang ako, ang galing ko kasing umakto na okay lang ako kahit 'di naman.
No, nasanay lang din ako sa sakit.
Wala nang sasakit pa sa katotohanan na baka hinding hindi ako mamahalin ni Alexander, hanggang kailan ko ba kailangan saktan ang sarili ko ng ganito?
Ah, akala ko... akala ko nanaman. Isa nanamang akala.
Wala akong alam.
Oo nga, wala nang sasakit pa sa katotohanan na baka hinding hindi ako mamahalin ng taong mahal mo.
Pero walang hihigit sa sakit na makita ang taong mahal mo na may kasamang iba.
I can still remember it.
I was just about to go inside the bathroom to refresh myself because of Genevieve when I saw Alexander and another female student inside the girl's bathroom.
Everything was too vivid and traumatizing for me.
Her legs all wrapped around him and his hands are all over her body while he's carrying her, there are a few buttons unbuttoned and I could see his toned chest, they were still busy making out with each other to notice...
"A-Alexand...er?"
...a woman in love whose heart got shattered once again.
That was it.
That was when I realized that I know... I know now, Alexander.
I truly understand now.
I love you.
But you don't love me, and you'll never love me.
I understand now.
I guess it makes perfect sense now.
How action speaks louder than words. I just didn't think it would hurt as much as I thought it wouldn't.