i didn't want it to end there.
we both didn't want it to end there.
i flipped the page, hoping there were more messages.
nothing.
is that it?
it still feels so incomplete.
i closed the journal before placing it next to me where i sat.
cold tears rolled down my cheeks, i didn't even care to wipe them away. there wasn't any point if they'd just continue to fall.
here i am, on top of the place where it all started.
do i regret it?
is this what you meant when you asked me, "do you want to know what loss feels like?"
"i miss you." i mutter to myself.
i don't know anymore.
i think i'll wake up each morning while thinking of you.
it hurts.
you left me too soon.
is it too late to take back what i said?
about letting go?
even after you let go, i'll still be here.
by your side, waiting and thinking of you.
what should i do?
i picked myself up from the ledge and hopped down. i took the journal and shoved it in my pocket.
when i walked over to where i had to climb up to get here, i remembered him once again.
"wont you catch me, laundryboy?" i whispered, crying again.
he's not here to catch me anymore.
it doesn't feel right when one of us is not here. it feels like half of my heart is missing.
i lost him, my bestfriend.
my laundry boy.
~~
i'm at my grandpa's place.
i cried while hugging him. i cried and cried even more.
i feel lonely all over again.
the clothes i washed were still with me. i felt so exhausted, so my grandpa brought me to the same bed that jungwon and i slept in.
all i could to was cover myself in the blankets tightly, trying to remember what it felt like when you were here. i even put your shirt on a pillow to hug it.
i tried imagining you, it's not the same as you actually being here...
and that damn shirt, it didn't even smell like you.
i knew i shouldn't have washed it.
you tricked me.
right there, i realized i couldn't fall asleep. so i got up and pulled the journal out of my unchanged clothes. i went to a blank page, but i ruined it because my tears soaked onto the page.
i wiped them away aggressively but they just wouldn't stop. i had to calm down...
when i finally forced them to stop, i decided to start writing, but i didn't know what to write.
how do i put what i want, and feel into words?
i want you to come back.
that's it.
but it's impossible, jungwon.
is it..?
can't you say something? i don't care, call me weird. just say anything.
you can't just make me get used to not being alone and then leave me like that.
i'm so angry, i'm upset and confused.
"i fucking hate everything..."
i stopped, and thought about everything.
i didn't really hate anything.
there wasn't really anything to hate, not after everything you've done for me, jungwon.
i also, learned that this world was a lot more enjoyable than i thought.
but it was only because of you.
there were so many times you brought a smile to my face.
sometimes i'd think you were a bit mean. we had our little misunderstandings, but i always trusted you.
you liked me just the way i was. you probably didn't understand why, but you did. and i love you for that.
me too, i was looking forward to having you propose to me. i even imagined it being in front of everyone, so that they'd cheer for us when i say "yes."
and i imagined you in a suit. i mean, it didn't have to be a suit, i feel like you'd show up in something surprising.
i wouldn't care, as long as it was you.
the thought of us holding each other's hands, both of them as we stared into one another's eyes... honestly, i bet we would be trying our best to hold in our laughs.
we probably wouldn't even be able to stay serious.
but even so, i really liked the idea of just saying "i do."
making a promise to spend the rest of my life with you sounded like a dream.
but out of all that,
i think i also imagined the thought of you kissing me.
even i, questioned if we were friends or not.
jungwon, i also had looked at you and said that i loved you. in my head, of course.
and in all honesty, i think i would've hoped for you to tell me about your feelings, your feelings of love.
because then, i'd requite that love.
if only we had a little more time together.
so there, i finally wrote...
- laundry boy
alr its almost done
dw guys
mwahaha
whatta journey
♡