Grocery shopping felt different now since I wasn't buying two gallons of milk or countless chocolate bars. This staying alone thing was going to be difficult.
Kong had picked up the last of his things yesterday, and after a promise to call each other every day he was gone. It almost was like he was never there. Save for the memories of course. Like the dent in the wall from when he'd come home angry at Pat because of something she'd said. Or the tear on the couch from the time he thought he could give me a haircut.
My heart clenched and I clutched the steering wheel harder, taking a sharp right.
This really felt like starting all over. Only this time, Kong wouldn't be living with me and I didn't have James as a boyfriend. Though I did have my parents, and Pat, and Kong even though he was miles away. And Adam.
He'd invited me to another rugby game this weekend. I guess everything was back to normal. Kinda.
I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building and brought the car to a stop. After taking out everything I'd gotten from the grocery store, I shut the door by bumping my hip against it and headed into the building.
I tapped the paper bag I was holding, listening to the awful elevator music and wondering if Kong would get over his fear of elevators. Maybe he would but it was most likely that's he'd do it with Pat at his side, not me. I was happy for him though. I was happy for them.
Two days ago, Pat had blasted my phone with multiple texts saying that Kong had asked her to be his girlfriend. Again.
Like I said, if I couldn't get what I wanted, at least I'd be happy that my best friend could.
The elevator dinged when I got to my floor and as the doors parted, I pulled out the keys from my back pocket. I began towards my apartment with my heart racing. It always did whenever I came home and not because I was really looking forward to living alone, but because I was hoping to bump into James.
We wouldn't need to say anything to each other. I just wanted to see him. Just once. It was a stupid wish, but it was what I wanted. What was unbelievable was the fact that I was still pining over my ex like a moron.
As I approached my door, a small voice in my head reminded me of how terribly it had gone last time when I'd acted on my feelings towards James. Another voice asked if I'd do it again.
Would I?
I came to a stop in front of my door and spun around to stare at James'. It was almost funny, how I'd dreaded him living in the same apartment building as me and now, all I wanted was-
His door swung open, and he stood there. Holding a cardboard box. Eyes widening on seeing me.
-to see him.
Guess I got what I wanted. Now all I had to do was turn away and head into my room... Right after I stilled my racing heart. Could he heart it, My heart beating? Could he feel how thick the air had gotten? Not from tension or anger or hate like it's been between us, from something else. Something foreign. Something so scary, it excited me.
James was the first to break the silence with a, "hey."
I licked my lips and breathed. "Hey."
This was awkward. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to just look at him and turn away. But how could something so wrong feel so right?
"I have to-"
"Would you-"
We both snapped our mouths shut in one moment then laughed softly in the next, his gaze flickering to the cardboard box in his hands. Mine wandered there as well.
We probably looked silly. Him, disheveled, a midnight shadow gracing his chin. And me, stressed out, hair flying everywhere, holding a grocery bag. It was like a scene from a crazy romcom.
"I've decided to move out," announced James. And for some reason, my heart skipped a couple of beats.
"Why?" I sounded too enthusiastic. Too giddy. Too sad.
He chuckled. "I've caused enough drama and problems around here. It's best if I stay away now."
"I thought we both agreed that I played the biggest role in causing my life's problems?"
James smiled, making me smile too even though I wasn't sure what I was smiling about. "We didn't come to that conclusion. Though we can agree that you are terrible at keeping stuff away from people."
That made me chuckle. "Yeah."
A pregnant silence fell upon us. It was almost comfortable. That was until I said, "Kong's moving out." The words were so rushed that I had to punch my lips shut after and mentally slap myself. What was he supposed to do with that information?
James pursed his lips and I found myself wanting to close this impossible distance between us. My brain wasn't getting enough oxygen today. "I know. Pat hasn't shut up about it." Another pause. "Is it because of what Adam blurted?"
"Actually, yes, but we've talked about it and I'm fine with his decision." I nodded. "I'm happy for him. In fact, he and Adam might even become buddies in the nearest future."
"They'd tear each other apart." James laughed.
Another pregnant not-so-awkward pause. Enough time for my brain to race.
James gave me this adrenaline rush whenever he was around. Something I'd never felt around anyone else. He was my kind of perfect. Even with everything that has happened, I still wanted to be around him.
If I could, I'd change the way things happened. I'd tell Kong the truth from the start because he was my best friend and he deserved to know. If I could go back I'd take back every lie I told and replace it with the truth.
If I could, I'd correct everything I'd done wrong with James.
James exhaled and lifted the box in his hands. "I guess I'd better get this to the car then."
"And I'd better make dinner. Can't risk dying of hunger and letting my body be found by a janitor."
James chuckled under his breath, studying me intently. He parted his lips to speak but seemingly decided against it.
"Yeah, so I'll see you? Maybe at school?" I said, beginning to turn around.
James' voice stopped me. "Avery." I spun back around. He looked down. "Do you mind... Getting a coffee together? Sometime?" He paused to exhale. "I understand if you don't want to. Infact I don't even know why I would ask-I'm-I'm terrible at this. Fuck."
This was James. My James. The one who stuttered on our first date and almost doused me with water because he couldn't stop fidgeting. I didn't know how I couldn't see it before. This James hadn't gone anywhere he was just in hiding.
That other James, the confident seething one, he was still James. Just hurt. After everything that had happened, after what had happened the last time James and I tried to be "friends", I should have been terrified. And I was. But I knew what I wanted. And he was standing in front of me.
So with a broad smile, I nodded, trying to keep calm. "I don't mind coffee."
Begun: November 1 2021
Completed: May 9 2022