⚠️TW⚠️: depression, suicidal thoughts, not eating correctly, emeto, desire to 'fall asleep and never wake up', overdose,
(I wrote most of this at 2 am so I sincerely apologize if my writing is a bit sloppy and hard to read)
Requests open!!
⋆｡˚ ★ ˚｡⋆｡⋆｡˚ ♡˚｡⋆｡⋆｡˚★˚｡⋆｡⋆｡˚ ♡ ˚｡⋆｡⋆｡
"What's wrong?"
Beomgyu was starting to grow tired of that same question. He didn't know what was wrong. On one hand, he felt fine. But there was always a part of him that felt completely different.
That part of him seemed to only get bigger as time passed. At first, it was subtle, but Beomgyu started to notice it as time went on. There were many instances where he debated if he should even get out of bed.
To him, everything was useless. He couldn't feel satisfied with his life no matter what he did. He tried everything from thinking positively to drinking alcohol. But nothing gave him the permanent happiness he wanted. He just wanted to feel at peace for once and not like he was battling himself every day.
But it seemed impossible with everything that was going on.
The members were constantly at each other's throats and just an hour at the dorm was hell. Beomgyu somehow didn't get involved in the war between the members. Maybe because he was always in his bed debating if he should get up or not. There was always a screaming match going on that would continue until they got tired or one of the members started to cry.
Beomgyu still managed to sleep through all of this. He would always be confused when he woke to see soobin crying himself to sleep. He thought soobin just watched a very sad movie every night.
Boy was he wrong.
★☆
Today was another day of thinking. Beomgyu laid in his firm bed debating if he should get out or not. The only sound that could be heard in the room was the obnoxious buzzing of the fan as it threw the air at beomgyu. The fan had been broken ever since they debuted but beomgyu had grown so attached to it that he couldn't get rid of it.
"Beomgyu ah wake up"
Beomgyu groaned and covered himself with his blanket.
"Beomgyu why are you being difficult?"
Beomgyu felt the duvet be yanked from him. He rolled into a little ball as his teeth chattered.
"Beomgyu please..." soobin pleaded.
Soobin left the room in defeat.
★☆
"Beomgyu ah, have you taken your medicine?" yeonjun asked.
All he got was a weak groan as a response.
"Beomgyu you need to tell me with words," yeonjun said.
"No," beomgyu whispered.
"You didn't take your medicine?" yeonjun asked.
"Mmh"
"Beomgyu you need to take your medicine," yeonjun said. "I don't want you to keep getting hurt."
"I'll survive okay?" beomgyu mumbled.
"You said that last time," yeonjun reminded. "You'll just get hurt again. I know you will."
Yeonjun placed the orange bottle.
It read
'Choi,beomgyu
Take 1-3 daily
Xanax'
Beomgyu thought it was completely ridiculous that he had to take multiple pills daily. Just one made him feel weird. It made him lose weight and feel disoriented.
"Just please take it," yeonjun said before leaving.
Beomgyu looked over at the prescription bottle.
★☆
After a few days, beomgyu finally escaped his bed. But work didn't stop even when he wasn't in the right mindset.
When they arrived at the building for dance practice, something was off about the atmosphere. It was like someone died. The tension was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. The maknaes kept shooting glares at each other. And when they talked to each other, it was in a passive-aggressive tone.
"Taehyun ah, why aren't you doing the choreo correctly," Yeonjun asked. Luckily they were given plenty of time for rehearsal.
"I don't want to get any closer to that thing," Taehyun replied. Kai fake laughed acting as if it was a joke.
"Thing?" yeonjun muttered to himself.
"Just do the choreography okay? We're spending too much time on yours and kai's part," soobin ordered. Taehyun huffed and the music boomed through the speakers. He hesitantly got closer to kai so they could do their part in the choreo. They started to dance but stumbled more than usual on the steps. Kai muttered a curse word as they messed up repeatedly.
"Don't act like it's not your fault," taehyun mumbled.
"I'm only acting because it's literally all your fault," kai muttered.
"How could it all be my fault? You're the one with no skills whatsoever" taehyun grumbled.
"You're one to talk, remember December 23, 2017?" kai whispered smirking.
"Don't even kai, remember July 12, 2018?" taehyun responded smugly.
Kai gasped loudly.
They both started to dance more aggressively to the point that they weren't even following the original choreo. After dancing a choreo that wasn't even assigned to them, they both tripped and fell on the floor.
"Good going kai," taehyun said groaning.
"What? You're the one that made me trip!" kai exclaimed.
"What is going on between the both of you?" soobin asked.
The maknaes instantly started ranting about each other.
Soobin sighed. He stared at the clock wondering how much time was left until he could get out of the situation.
"ENOUGH" he yelled.
"If you two don't fix this by next week..."
"You're out of the group."
Soobin wasn't going to kick them out of course. He just wanted to give them a sense of urgency.
"Hyung you can't do that..." beomgyu said.
"Yes I can beomgyu ah," soobin replied. "They're arguing instead of practicing which also means not doing their job."
The maknaes got up in heartbeat.
★☆
They were at the dorm and the maknaes were already starting to show cracks through their peaceful facade. Soobin didn't mind that they were faking it. As long as they were 'getting along'. He was fine with it.
Beomgyu was a nervous mess. His palms were sweaty, his stomach churned every second, and his head was home to the made spiraling thoughts that he possessed. One after another rushing by and making him sweat.
Even though his face looked blank and disinterested on the outside, the inside was a whole other story. If his mind could be personified, it would be a mini him screaming nonstop while running in circles.
"Beomgyu ah?"
Beomgyu snapped out of his spiral.
"Are you okay?" Soobin asked.
"Ye-Yeah sure," beomgyu responded. His mind began its screaming rampage once more. Only this time around, it was louder. Beomgyu was tired of the non-stop spiraling and screaming. But he felt like he had no control. He knew that the medication would help.
But he didn't want to give in. He knew that everyone in his life desperately wanted him to give up. But his desire to keep his stance and dignity outweighed everyone and everything. He didn't want to admit it, but he still had the old mentality that if you have mental health issues, you can't take medicine for it.
He felt that everyone would view him as crazy or imperfect. And in his mind, as an idol, he couldn't have any flaws. Especially mental health ones.
"Beomgyu ah when are you going to go to sleep?" soobin asked. "I could still hear you awake."
"Sorry hyung I'll be quieter," beomgyu mumbled.
"I don't want you to be quiet," soobin said. "I want you to get good rest".
"I will, sorry hyung," beomgyu whispered.
Beomgyu put his phone away and closed his eyes.
Finally, he was going to get to sleep.
"I'M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS!"
...or maybe not.
"YOU'RE TIRED OF THIS?! THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL! I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU LEAVING YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR WHEN THERE IS A BASKET RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!"
"SCREW YOU AND YOUR STUPID BASKET"
Beomgyu covered his ears with his pillow. He was exhausted yet he still couldn't concentrate on sleeping. And the muffled screaming didn't help at all.
Then began the dreaded...
Snoring of soobin.
Soobin always had a problem with his snoring. He sounds like he's in a full-on battle when he sleeps. This makes any night with him uncomfortable, to say the least. Beomgyu has put up with it over the past few years. But all the noise started to get to him. He just wanted peace
Was that really too much to ask for?
Beomgyu sat up and put his hands over his ears. He got out of his bed indulging in the muffled noise. He made his way to the front door. He opened the door and stepped outside.
He needed a break from the chaos. Going outside in the cold seemed to be his only escape. He shut the door behind him. He could still hear the faint arguing.
The cold breeze brushed his skin like feathers blowing in the wind. He was freezing. But it didn't matter. Everything felt peaceful as stood outside alone. Normally he would hate to be left alone with himself.
However this time, it was different. He was the only one who could help him now. Yeonjun was working and still hasn't come back. Soobin is basically comatosed in his bedroom. Kai and taehyun are too angry to comfort.
So he was the only one.
"Beomgyu ah? What are you doing outside this late?" Yeonjun asked.
"I can't sleep," beomgyu replied unintentionally pouting.
"Why?" yeonjun asked.
"It's too loud," beomgyu answered.
"Is that so?" yeonjun said. "Come inside, it's freezing out here and I don't want you to get sick"
Yeonjun opened the door and was instantly met with loud arguing and snoring.
"Oh..." was all that he could say.
"You can sleep in my room for the night," yeonjun offered.
A sleepy beomgyu started to make his way to yeonjun's room. His room was at the end of the hallway. It had a far distance from the other rooms making it quiet in there.
Perfect for beomgyu to get a good night's rest.
★☆
Beomgyu woke up feeling well-rested. He sat up and looked over at the alarm clock on yeonjun's bedside table.
6:12 am
A prescription bottle stood next to it. He grabbed it and poured a pill into the palm of his hand. He took it with a slight frown. He knew it was going to be a long while until he finally felt 'okay'.
He tried to ignore that aspect but sometimes it managed to eat at him somehow. He took deep breaths trying to defend himself from his mind.
He hoped that the medication would take effect soon so he didn't have to feel so uneasy.
"Oh, you're awake?"
"How did you sleep last night?" yeonjun asked sitting down at the edge of the bed.
"well," beomgyu said.
"That's great, I'll try to buy you earplugs so you don't have to go through this again," yeonjun said smiling softly. "have you taken your medicine?"
Beomgyu nodded.
★☆
Beomgyu didn't even know if he was still alive. His mind was blank as the others talked and laughed with each other. Beomgyu stared at his bowl of ramen in sadness.
He used to love this ramen. However, he just couldn't stomach the thought of food anymore. He felt sick as he looked at the plate of food in front of him.
Is this what recovery felt like?
"Beomgyu ah you should eat your food before it gets cold," soobin said.
"not hungry," beomgyu mumbled.
"Oh okay I'll just put it away in case you get hungry later," soobin said picking up the plate.
The others stared with concern.
"Hyung you haven't eaten anything all day, how could you not be hungry?" Taehyun asked genuinely curious.
Beomgyu shrugged.
★☆
Beomgyu stared blankly at the grocery list. His mind had gone to static long ago. He was just a body simply following orders given to him. But what else could he do with a mind foggier than a forest in a thriller film?
Yeonjun was there with him. He knew that beomgyu couldn't possibly carry out such tasks on his own. His mind simply wasn't there anymore.
"Beomgyu ah did we miss anything?" yeonjun asked placing an item in the cart.
Beomgyu wasn't even listening.
"Beomgyu ah?" yeonjun called waving his hand in front of beomgyu's eyes. It seemed like there was nothing behind those eyes. Nothing but static and faint elevator music.
Beomgyu let out a pathetic "Huh?"
"Did we miss anything?" yeonjun repeated.
"I don't think so hyung," beomgyu replied.
"May I see?" yeonjun asked.
Beongyu handed him the grocery list.
Barely anything was marked off.
"I'm sorry hyung," beomgyu apologized knowing he didn't fulfill his task.
"It's okay beomgyu," yeonjun said with a soft smile. "I think we got everything list or not."
"Hyung why are you being so nice to me?" beomgyu asked. "I made an awful mistake."
"You just didn't mark off some things, It's not like you single-handedly caused the end of the world," yeonjun said softly giggling.
"It feels like it," beomgyu mumbled looking down at his feet.
Yeonjun gently lifted beomgyu's chin so they'd make eye contact.
"It's okay to make mistakes beomgyu ah," yeonjun said.
★☆
Beomgyu felt his eyes get heavier and heavier on the car ride home. Yeonjun paid close attention to the road.
Yeonjun looked over to the passenger seat. He knew that this was one of the side effects. He hoped beomgyu was okay with all of the effects. He just wanted beomgyu to be okay.
He couldn't help but tear up as he reminisced the few times when beomgyu was happy. He used to be a personification of sunshine.
Before it happened.
Yeonjun wished he could've stopped it before it happened. Maybe then beomgyu would finally be okay for once. Happy if he was really lucky. Yeonjun wished he could just take all of beomgyu's problems and feel them himself. Beomgyu didn't deserve to be in such horrid pain.
Beomgyu deserved to be happy.
★☆
Beomgyu couldn't stop shaking. He realized the medicine was starting to wear off. He couldn't stop shaking from the fear of how bad he would feel without the medicine.
It was exhausting to be on the medicine and draining to not be on it. He didn't feel okay either way. It had been about a full day since he last took it. He thought that the medicine was to only be taken occasionally.
The doctor didn't explain it sufficiently. What was worse is that he was in the car on the way to shoot a performance. He was not well enough for a performance but the Xanax decided to start completely wearing off on the car ride.
Beomgyu tried getting his breaths to be stable but it didn't work. He was sweating all over and his mind was filled with a million thoughts. It's like his mind was screaming bloody murder and running in circles.
"Beomgyu hyung are you okay?" kai asked.
Beomgyu tried to hide his face so kai wouldn't see the tears.
"Ye-Yeah why?" beomgyu stammered.
"You're not breathing normally," kai replied.
"I'm fine," beomgyu insisted.
★☆
Beomgyu shakily took 3 pills from his bottle. He swallowed them all hoping it would be enough to stop the awful feeling. No one but him was in the dressing room. He took this as an opportunity to try and calm down.
People overwhelm him too much already. If he's on the verge of having a panic attack whilst there are people around, he'll only spiral more. He only feels comfortable around the members. But lately, that comfort has started to disappear.
Everything just seemed to overwhelm him even more.
Beomgyu took a deep breath once he started to feel the effects of the Xanax setting in. Using Xanax didn't feel so exhausting anymore. It felt nice for once.
A euphoric and soft feeling of tranquility.
★☆ (beomgyu's pov)
Shooting the performance was nothing but a blur. I couldn't remember even getting on stage in the first place. But here I was getting into the car to go home.
The others were cheering and saying that they did a good job. Too bad I couldn't even remember shooting the performance.
"Let's all celebrate!" yeonjun hyung exclaimed. "I'll buy the soju"
"What about beomgyu hyung?" kai asked.
Oh, that's right. I can't drink alcohol while I'm on my medication unless I wanted to meet the grim reaper.
"It's fine I'll just go to sleep," I said. Honestly, I didn't even feel like celebrating in the first place. All I really wanted to do was to pass out on my bed.
Or yeonjun hyungs.
★☆
I blacked out again and now I'm in my bed. I have no idea what happened but I could finally rest. I could feel myself melting into the bed. I don't just want to take a little nap.
I want to fall asleep and never wake up so I wouldn't have to move through life in exhaustion. Life is just too draining sometimes. I wish it was more fulfilling to live. I used to feel happy and thankful that I was alive. Now I just feel like I'm being punished.
I get criticized no matter what I do. If I lose weight I'm a skeleton. If I gain weight I'm a pig. It doesn't matter if it's just one pound. No matter what I'm always being fucking watched. I don't even think this medicine is working for me.
I think it's giving me more anxiety than it's taking away.
Again I suffer.
I hope I just fall asleep and never wake up. It would be awful to not see the members anymore though. I know that they still want to be awake and alive in this world. But the members seem to be the only good aspect of my life right now.
It's stupid.
I'm exhausted. My spirit is broken. And I can't sleep.
I'm so tired I can't sleep.
I hate this.
★☆ (omniscient)
Beomgyu only ended up getting 4 hours of sleep. Somehow he didn't feel the exhaustion. He only felt the anger when he woke up.
He had a dream that he quit his job as an idol and pursued his passion of traveling the world. Beomgyu wanted to cry when he woke up. He knew the day ahead of him was nothing but pain and misery.
He had to attend dance practice. Normally that wouldn't be a problem but the instructor lately has really been extra critical about him. Most of it wasn't even constructive. It was just bitter insults thrown at him.
Beomgyu thought that by now he should've become numb to the instructor's verbal abuse but it still managed to hurt him every time. He grabbed his bottle of pills.
He poured a few into the palm of his hand. He threw them into his mouth and swallowed. Though he knew that no amount of medication could make the dance lessons bearable.
He figured he'd still try.
★☆
"Beomgyu why are you being so difficult again?" the instructor said. He barely was looking at beomgyu's dancing as if he simply couldn't be bothered to do so. Beomgyu kept dancing despite the instructor's unnecessary insults.
The instructor turned the music off.
"Everyone could take a five-minute break," He declared. "Everyone except beomgyu."
Beomgyu mentally sighed knowing that if he showed he was exhausted, he would get yelled at.
They both left the practice room.
"You're not even fucking trying," the instructor started. "I told them it was a bad idea to let you in the group but they did it anyway. Now, what are you bringing to the group?"
He stood there as if he was waiting for an answer.
"Noth-"
"Nothing! that's right!" he said with fake enthusiasm. "You're nothing but a useless failure!"
"I'm sorry..." beomgyu whispered trying to hold back his tears. He was staring at the floor trying to hide his face from the instructor.
"Look at me," the instructor ordered. "LOOK AT ME!"
He grabbed beomgyu by the chin and lifted his head up.
"You're useless," He said. "Just die already".
The instructor then entered the practice room. Leaving beomgyu by himself in the hallway. Beomgyu tried to hold back his tears. He wiped the tears that escaped on his sleeve and took a deep breath.
"This will all be over soon" he whispered to himself.
★☆ (Beomgyu's pov)
I stayed in my room while the others played video games in the living room. All I could think is, "Maybe the instructor is right, I am useless". I'm so useless I don't even deserve to be happy and have fun.
I haven't eaten much either. I couldn't bring myself to eat anymore. I was so used to the feeling of hunger that it just became a part of me.
I knew that everyone would notice that I was losing a lot of weight. I knew that I was going to get bashed by everyone for being too skinny. And I knew the instructor would show me no mercy.
But...
I just couldn't bring myself to care.
I am a robot. Just following orders and being treated like nothing. I've given up on trying to rebel. If someone wrongs me, I'll just apologize and do what they want. If I'm being mistreated, I'll just ignore it and move on. Even if someone else is in the wrong, I'll still be the one apologizing.
Apologizing and following orders was all I could do now.
What's even the point of speaking out if it ends up going nowhere?
No matter what I do, I'm always the one who needs to do better.
I'm tired of being such a problem to everyone.
The members have suffered so much because of me.
I'm just a useless robot.
★☆ (Omniscient) (A few weeks later)
Today was beomgyu's birthday. The members planned a small birthday party. The problem was that they couldn't celebrate it right away. Some of the members had been booked for photoshoots and interviews.
Beomgyu hadn't gotten booked as much as everyone else. Everyone had told him he could come along with them. But beomgyu felt like he would be nothing more than a bother.
So he stayed home. He hated being left alone with himself. His thoughts controlled him more than he controlled them. He tried to stop his lively mind with pills. But nothing seemed to help. He looked through his messages.
He tried to ignore the messages of his friends turning on him.
But nothing could help him. He felt especially bad today now that he was alone. The members helped him from going over the edge. But now that they weren't here. He could only depend on himself.
Beomgyu shot up from his bed and started to run. He ran to the bathroom and lifted the toilet lid.
*cough* *BLECHH* *cough*
Beomgyu's eyes stayed wide with shock. He couldn't grasp why he was vomiting.
"Shhiiit," he whispered to himself.
He fell back and leaned on the wall.
"Why me?" he asked.
★☆
Beomgyu groaned as he climbed onto his bed. His legs were too weak for him to stand let alone walk. He had to crawl from the bathroom to his bed.
His body felt sore from his efforts. He closed his eyes.
Ring ring~
Beomgyu wanted to yell. He grabbed his phone and answered.
"Eh?"
"Beomgyu ah are you okay being alone?" yeonjun asked.
"Yes hyung," beomgyu answered.
"If you want I could hurry," yeonjun offered.
"Hyung don't do that," beomgyu quickly said. "I don't want you to risk your work because of me".
"Okay, I promise we'll all be back soon though!" yeonjun said.
★☆
Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows. He stared at the movie he had put on in the living room. He had no idea what was even going on.
*Ding dong*
Beomgyu got up and made his way to the door. He opened the door. He saw a shadowy figure before him.
"He-Hello," beomgyu choked out.
But when he blinked...
The shadow was gone.
"Hello??" Beomgyu stepped outside. The shadow was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly it appeared before him once more.
"Kyu...what have you...done?" it whispered. It put its hand on beomgyu's chest. "Don't you think...they'll be...sad?"
"I'm sorry but I have no idea what you're talking about," beomgyu said
It turned around and disappeared.
Beomgyu felt his stomach churn again. He ran back inside and slammed the door shut. He ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet bowl again.
"Kyu where are you???" a voice called. The voice was familiar to a special someone in his life.
"Mom?" he whispered.
He flushed the toilet and walked out of the bathroom. His mother was nowhere to be found. He knew it was just his ears mishearing things. He looked over at the tv and sat down on the couch.
The door opened.
"Beomgyu ah," someone called out.
Beomgyu sighed and looked behind him. Turns out the members came back earlier than he thought. He sat there waiting for them to disappear just like everyone else.
"Why do you look so upset?" yeonjun asked laughing.
"Oh I thought you were going to disappear," beomgyu said.
"Well we're still here," yeonjun said. He laughed nervously.
★☆
The lights turned off.
"Did the lights turn off for you guys too?" he asked nervously.
"Yes hyung," taehyun replied.
"Kai you're not going to light it," yeonjun whispered.
"Why not?" Kai asked.
"Because you'll burn the house down," yeonjun replied.
Yeonjun lit the candles.
"I don't know hyung it looks like you're not any better," taehyun teased.
"I'm the best what are you even talking about- Ouch!" yeonjun waved his hand rapidly.
Soobin lifted the cake and they all began to sing.
"Happy birthday to you~ Happy birthday to you~ Happy birthday dear beomgyu~ Happy birthday to you~"
Soobin placed the cake on the kitchen table. Beomgyu bent down and blew out the candles. But he kept blowing even when they were put out.
"What did you wish for?" kai asked.
"That we could do this more often," beomgyu said.
★☆
Beomgyu could feel himself getting progressively weaker as the evening passed. The members started to notice this but concluded that maybe he just didn't get enough rest. No one had a clue about beomgyu overusing. Beomgyu kept his prescription hidden away most of the time. What was once viewed as a filthy parasite was now his most prized possession.
He couldn't imagine living life without it. Without the pills, he would feel all of the pain that life brought him. The pills made life bearable for him. He didn't give a fuck that it was hurting him. Whatever made him feel numb to life is his most prized possession. Drugs or not, he was in love with his possession.
It was his only hope of making life slightly bearable for him.
Beomgyu stayed cozied up next to yeonjun who didn't mind beomgyu using his shoulder as a pillow. Beomgyu tried his hardest to now close his eyes. His mind was plain static. He felt comfortable with yeonjun's warm aura. He wanted to fall asleep but he couldn't.
"I hope the others take long with the groceries," yeonjun said laughing softly. "I like when it's just the two of us."
"Do y..ou not li..ke the..m aro..und?" beomgyu slurred.
"No, I do! I just want to spend more time with you and no one else," yeonjun quickly said.
"Awwwwh" beomgyu said with the same slurred voice "you love me don't you hyung?"
"Yeah I guess I do," yeonjun whispered.
Beomgyu's body felt like it was shutting off. His eyes got more and more difficult to keep open. He was just so tired and weak. He didn't know if he could last another minute conscious. Yeonjun put his arm around his body and pulled him closer. Beomgyu felt safe with yeonjun's arm around him.
Safe enough to finally give in to his exhaustion.
"I love you too hyung," he whispered before finally shutting his eyes.
"Beomgyu ah?"
"B-Beomgyu ah?"
★☆
Yeonjun wouldn't stop crying in the waiting room.
"He said he loved me..." He kept repeating through his cries.
The others have calmed down a bit except for yeonjun. He may have even gotten worse. But who could blame him? His beloved friend died right next to him. He couldn't stop feeling so guilty for not noticing anything. He even felt guilty for pushing him to take the medicine.
He wished he had just given up on beomgyu taking his medicine. He wished he had thrown it away when he got the chance.
"Choi beomgyu?"
Soobin stood up. He was the only one who wasn't a complete mess.
"He's stable but his body had sustained a lot of damage from his overdose. he'll likely fall into a coma".
"Thank you. Is he okay for visits?"
The doctor nodded.
But soobin seemed the only one who wanted to visit beomgyu.
★☆
Soobin stepped into beomgyu's room. Beomgyu looked peaceful on that bed. It was as if he was stuck in a deep sleep.
"Oh dear...beomgyu you must've really been going through something..." soobin said trying to hold back his tears. "I'm sorry that I didn't help you. I really should've but I just didn't. I promise that I'll always help you if you make it out of this"
He brushed away the hairs that were in beomgyu's eyes. He knew that beomgyu often hated when hair was in the way of his eyes. It made him feel itchy and uncomfortable.
"I hope I can hear you laugh again beomgyu ah," soobin said before turning to leave.
★☆(3 days later)
The days were nothing but gloom and silence. No one wanted to talk if beomgyu wasn't around. Without beomgyu, their conversation was short and plain. Beomgyu used to make them a lot longer and more fun. Well, that was the old beomgyu. The new beomgyu didn't participate as much.
"Where is beomgyu?" the instructor asked ready to belittle him for being late.
"He's sick and couldn't come," soobin replied.
"What a joke," the instructor mumbled.
"What did you say?" Soobin asked.
"He's quite pathetic for not coming," the instructor said shamelessly. "It's probably just a little cold."
"How dare you?" Yeonjun said.
"Yeonjun shi what's gotten into you??" the instructor asked laughing. "No way you're defending beomgyu. He just brings you down you know-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" Yeonjun yelled before punching the instructor on the cheek. The instructor held his cheek in disbelief.
"What the fuck is wrong with you??" the instructor said.
"You drove him to do it didn't you?" yeonjun asked.
"What are you talking about?" the instructor asked.
"Hyung don't do this," taehyun said
"You drove him to attempt," yeonjun said.
Yeonjun charged forward but was held back by the rest of the members
"I don't care if I get kicked out or arrested! You're a fucking monster!!" yeonjun yelled.
"What is going on here?" The other instructor asked.
Txt had two instructors. These two instructors would take turns teaching so there would always be someone available to teach even if one had plans. Unlike the other instructor, this instructor was professional and patient with the members. Especially with beomgyu who he knew was going through a hard time.
"Yeonjun hyung got upset," soobin said still holding yeonjun back.
"What did you do daehyun?" the other instructor asked looking at the instructor
"I didn't do anything I was just-"
"LIAR!" yeonjun yelled
Yeonjun finally broke free of the members' grip and stormed out of the room.
"Daehyun what the fuck did you do," the other instructor sternly asked.
"I just said it was silly that beomgyu was missing practice over a small sickness," daehyun said.
"I never said it was small," soobin said.
"Daehyun you've done nothing but hurt these poor kids," the other instructor said.
★☆
Yeonjun sniffled as he made his way to the exit. He opened the door and felt the cold air greet him. Just like the day when beomgyu first slept in his bed instead of his own. That night yeonjun truly felt warm inside as he cuddled beomgyu to sleep.
He felt something he had never felt before.
And now beomgyu is fighting for his life.
To him, the instructor is the sole cause of this. Because of that, he felt such a fit of passionate anger. To the point it could even be considered murderous. It took everything in his body to not tear the instructor apart right then and there.
"Yeonjun ah!" the other instructor called.
Yeonjun turned around with his eyes still filled with tears.
"Yeonjun ah what happened back there?" the other instructor asked. "You don't have to tell me if it's too personal,"
"I'm sorry Dohyun hyung," yeonjun apologized. "I didn't mean to get so violent".
"It's okay yeonjun ah," Dohyun said comforting him. "You can go home for now. Go take care of beomgyu. I'll take care of everything else."
It was meant to be a nice gesture but it broke yeonjun. He slightly smiled and nodded. He knew that if he left he would just be going to an empty dorm. Still filled with evidence of what happened a few days before.
Beomgyu's pill bottle will still be found empty on the bedside table. His uneaten cake will still be found in the fridge. The couch will still have his scent on it. The bathroom would still have a slight scent of vomit.
No matter what he did or where he went. He would always be riddled with those painful memories. The deep regret and guilt he has for not noticing sooner still lives in his heart.
Yeonjun didn't feel like that situation was last week.
He's still living in it in a way.
Yeonjun got in his car and sat still in the drivers seat. He didn't even turn the ignition on. He was in a dark parking garage. Surely no one would see him if he suddenly started crying. For once yeonjun felt safe showing emotion. He let the tears that once filled his eyes go.
★☆
Yeonjun sat on the chair next to beomgyu's hospital bed. He couldn't go back to the dorm without seeing beomgyu. He held his hand tightly reminiscing the wonderful memories they'd had together.
He always had a bittersweet feeling when he visited beomgyu. It felt nice to see him but also painful. He couldn't help but wonder if beomgyu was even trying to wake up. He wondered if he wanted to wake up.
He was stuck with a heavy heart. He stared at beomgyu blankly with his tired eyes. He was exhausted. He couldn't sleep without beomgyu by his side. It just didn't feel right.
Yeonjun tried with all of his power to stay awake but it was almost torturous trying to do so.
Beomgyu's eyes slowly fluttered open. His hand felt warm unlike the rest of his frail body. He looked over to see a sleeping yeonjun still holding on to his hand as if his life depended on it.
Yeonjun suddenly opened his eyes because of a nightmare he had. He stared at beomgyu with his eyes wide.
All beomgyu could say was, "I'm sorry"
"Don't apologize beomgyu ah," yeonjun said as his voice broke from the tears threatening to come out. "It's not your fault".
Beomgyu's voice became all wobbly as well.
"It isn't?" he asked.
Yeonjun shook his head. He got up from his seat and pulled beomgyu into a warm hug.
They both started to let out their tears.
★☆
After a few days were spent in the hospital, beomgyu was finally discharged. He was welcomed back to the dorm with open arms. And now that the abusive instructor was fired, he had less to worry about.
Beomgyu still has scars from the instructor's abuse. But he has been getting the help he needs and has shown improvement.
The members kept a close eye on him.
And they never forgot to tell him how much they loved him.