No one's POV
Simmons: Oh, hello. I'm captain Dick Simmons. You may know me from the global video sensation Red vs Blue. As well as the Fan story, Zero to One. And as a famous online celebrity you can definitely trust my opinion.
One: And I'm Agent One.
Simmons: That's an excellent point One. Regular holidays are boring and lame.
One: Excuse me, what?
Simmons: What we need are newer, more exciting holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas? Blegh! How passé. Did you know your grandparents celebrated those holidays? And they're old!
One: I never knew my grandparents...
Simmons: I know, right! You wouldn't wear the same clothes as your grandparents, so why celebrate the same holidays?
One: Hey! Don't talk about my grandparents that I've never met before!
Simmoms: Why yes, I do consider myself a young and hip trendsetter. Thank you for saying that One.
One: ...-_-... Don't just interpret me like I'm Lopez, you ass.
Simmons: And I know some new edgier holidays we can celebrate instead. Join, me won't you?
Simmons: On 'Thanksgimme', we give people the opportunity to thank us for all the good things we do for them, which they have selfishly forgot to be grateful for.
Elsewhere, currently Zero was repairing a Warthog, with Carolina helping him, when Tucker walked up to them.
Tucker: Hey Zero , I know you and Carolina are probably dating now. So I made sure not to check out her butt, when she dropped her rifle this morning.
The two of them looked back at Tucker annoyed.
Zero: First of all, we're not dating. And second, What?!
Carolina: Excuse me...!?
Tucker: Whoa, whoa, I said I *didn't* check out your butt-
Carolina just aimed her Needlers at Tucker, even more annoyed.
Carolina: Saying it a second time does not make it better!
Tucker: Aren't you gonna thank me?
Zero and Carolina both looked at each other dumbfounded.
Carolina: "Thank you"...?? What kind of-
Suddenly Sarge walked over to the three of them.
Sarge: Hello, female of indeterminate allegiance. And blues.... I had you both in my sights, was about to shoot you in the back but then... I didn't.
Tucker: Thank you, Sarge.
Carolina: What?
Sarge: Happy 'Thanksgimme'...dirt bag.
Zero: ...The hell?
Tucker: Looks like someone just doesn't understand the meaning of Thanksgimme. [Carolina shoots him in the lap] Ow!
Carolina: You know I was thinking about neutering you, but I settled on a flesh wound instead. Now, what do you say?
Tucker: Thank you...
Carolina: Damn straight!
Back with One and Simmons.
One: What the hell was that?
Simmons : I agree, that was heartwarming. Next up, we have Saint Peppy's day.
One: Stop doing that! Also, Saint who?
Back with Zero and Carolina, they both heard Grif running out the base terrified.
Grif: Ahh, there's snakes everywhere, all over the fucking base!
Zero: What?
Simmons: Saint Peppy was a distant relative of Saint Patrick. Except he actually brought snakes back into Ireland and as everybody knows, snakes are super cool.
Zero and Carolina both walked into the base, seeing it full of snakes.
Caboose: Happy St. Peppy's Day!
Carolina: ...-_-...Caboose...
Zero: ...-_-...Did you do this, bud...?
Caboose: Hush me. I'm Irish.
Back to One and Simmons.
One: What the hell is going on?!
Simmons: Fun and high jinks indeed. Now, let me tell you about Cinco de Macho. When you can show everyone you're the most macho in all the land.
Back with Zero and Carolina, they were now in front of Sarge.
Sarge: Go on hit me. Right in the solar plexus. Or any other plexus you dare.
Zero: We don't wanna hit you Sarge...
Sarge: I said let me have it! Or are neither of you man enough?
Carolina: ...-_-... Okay, I'm starting to want to hit you.
Sarge: Don't you have any testosterone? I'm surprised you managed to grow any facial hair at all!
Carolina: Facial hair...!? What has gotten into all of... Aarggh! [leaves]
Sarge: As we proved once again and once and for all, finally and for all time, Sarge is mas macho! Like there was ever any doubt!
Without warning, Carolina runs over Sarge in the Warthog.
Sarge: Ow, right in the plexus!
Back with One and Simmons.
Simmoms: I know what you're thinking One.
One: ...-_-... I highly doubt that you do...
Simmons: Are there any more new and improved holidays? The answer is: Yeah, duhh! As a matter of fact you can purchase a selection of high quality products to celebrate these clearly superior holidays.
[A scrolling list of "Other holidays:" starts, featuring: December Fool's Day, Groundhog Day, New Fear's Day, Chinese New Fears, Groundhog Day, XXX-Mas (18+ Only), Brother of Another Mother's Day, Roboween, Good Wednesday, ROM Kippur, Groundhog Day, Rhode Island Appreciation Day, Earf Day, Mardi Gross, Dependance Day, Kevin, Manual Labor Day, Dia de los Huevos, MILK Jr.'s Day, Cyber Monday, and Uncle's Day]
One: Alright, Simmons, enough of this. What the hell are you doing?!
Simmons: Including greeting cards T-shirts snakes pregnancy tests. Just use promo code 'Red Base' for-
The Warthog arrives, with Zero and Carolina jumping out.
Carolina: There you are!
Zero: One? You mind explaining what's going on around here?
One: No idea, Simmons just dragged me out here....
Simmons: Wha..? I don't know what you're talking about. I have no recollection of what you're about to say.
Zero: ...-_-... [points his plasma rifles at him] Recollect harder...
Simmons: Alright, okay, I admit it. I sold out to the military-industrial greeting-card complex. Just don't shoot me.
Sarge: Aren't they a subsidiary of Disney Exxon Apple?
Simmons: Yeah, they promised to pay me for promoting their stupid new holiday so they could sell more merchandise.
One: Is that what we're doing?!
Sarge: My God son, how much does a man's soul worth!?
Simmons: One hundred... dollars....
Everyone: ...
One: ...-_-... What....?
Carolina: Ugh... that is just sad.
Sarge: Hold up, you promised me a hundred bucks to help you with this holiday BS.
Sarge: You promised me 100 smackers too.
Caboose: I get to keep the snakes.
Zero: ...-_-... So you're actually in the hole on this deal.
Simmons: I never said I was a master negotiator.
One: Yeah, we can see that...
Carolina: Simmons... don't you know holidays aren't about buying stuff? They're about spending time with family and friends and about honoring the achievements of great people.
Sarge: Unless you hate your family.
Carolina: Well, yes, in that case you stay far away.
Tucker: And that Columbus, 'cause he was a dick.
Zero: No, right, screw that guy.
Carolina: He was the worst!
Tucker: Carolina, your rousing speech has made my organ grow three sizes bigger. [
Carolina and now an annoyed Zero both points their weapon at him.
Tucker: And by organ, I mean heart. [The two lower their weapons]Let's throw our own holiday party to celebrate all of us coming together... over our shared hatred of Simmons.
Caboose: And I'll bring good snakes.
Everyone started to walk away.
Simmons: Can I come...? At least I can count on you One-
One: No you do not.
One jumped down and started walking off with her brother.
Simmons: hey, where are you going?
One: To the party, duh.
Simmons: Holidays suck....