Y/N POV:
Looking back on my high school years, I realized that the rest of my high school years were spent with her. The relationship that I had with Im Nayeon was the closest thing to heaven on Earth.
The love that we had for each other was endless. Keyword, it WAS endless. Like all things, I guess it had to come to an end. Too bad our love wasn't an exception to this cruel concept.
In the last year of our high school, things began to change slowly. At first, I didn't think much of it and thought that by ignoring it, it'd go away and resolve itself. However, it'd come back much worse than before.
Starting off with arguments over small things, things got worse as time progressed. The final straw was when we fought about her dream to become an idol. We ended things that night and Nayeon left without a second glance.
After that night, I wanted to keep in touch with her despite our break-up. I'd send her cordial messages to show her that I still cared, but I never got an answer from her. A simple "hi" or anything would've been suffice for me, but I got nothing from her in return.
Hours turned to days, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned into a year, and a year turned into 6 years.
It's been 6 years since I last saw or heard anything from her. The day that she left me was the day that I broke down inside. I became an empty shell. It didn't take long after that night to realize that I was in the wrong, and I regretted every moment of that night and what I put her through.
If only I had a chance to see her face-to-face one more time, I'd apologize for everything.
Technically, it had been a couple of months since I last saw her in person. I still supported her even after the breakup. When she was 1 of the 9 girls chosen to be in the new girl group 'TWICE,' I cried my eyes out of joy for her. I was so happy for her since she finally achieved the dream that she wanted for so long.
Ever since TWICE's debut, I've supported her and the other girls. Whenever they went on tour, I'd buy tickets whenever I could so that I could see Nayeon live her dream.
The tickets were a lot of money I'll admit. But it was worth it when I saw the happiness that being an idol brought her. Sometimes, I wonder if she'd ever recognize me if she ever saw me in the sea of people at their concert. I mean probably not. After all, we're just strangers once again and I'm just one of their many fans.
I felt envious of Nayeon though. She was able to move on with life while I was still stuck on the past. It's kind of pathetic if I think about it really. It's been 6 years since this fight happened and I'm the only one being torn apart about it.
I sighed as I looked at the ceiling of my apartment. Even though I was living comfortably in life, I felt so empty inside. This emptiness wasn't the only thing that the guilt had given me. It also gave me insomnia, depression, and anxiety.
For the past 6 years, I've seen several doctors and psychiatrists who've told me that "things will get better with time." But the various medications on my nightstand proved otherwise. I got worse as time progressed. Nothing or no one could help me with this state of regret that I had.
The guilt had been making it hard for me to live my life normally. It's made it hard for me to move on and find someone else. There were times where I'd go on blind dates, but back out because I'd see Nayeon's face with every girl I tried to meet with.
She was the ghost of my past haunting my soul. Every single day, I'd be reminded of my actions and words that I said in the past. For all those things that I had put Nayeon through, I think that I deserve the current state of my health and life. It was karma for the sins of my past.
While I was watching some meaningless videos on YouTube, I got a notification from V-Live.
"TWICE STARTED A NEW LIVESTREAM"
I immediately clicked on the notification and it brought me to the livestream. I sat up on my bed as I waited for the livestream to load for me.
Will she be in the livestream today? I hope so. I want to see her face once more..
After some time, I saw her once again on my phone screen. She was talking to the other members while she was answering some of the comments that ONCEs were sending in the live chat. She looked so happy as always and I smiled as I saw her smile.
Her beautiful smile enraptured my heart like it always had. My heart was beating so fast like I just got done running a marathon. She looked even more beautiful than the last time I've seen her. Even after 6 years, she was still stunning and charismatic.
I hesitantly typed a message into the message bar, unsure if she'd even see my message if I sent it. Having nothing to lose with Nayeon, I just decided to go for it. Pressing the send button, I anticipately waited for the small chance that one of the girls would read my question to you.
"Oh Nayeon-unnie, this message is for you." Dahyun said as she was the one reading the messages.
"What does it say?" Nayeon asked.
"It says 'Annyeong Nayeon, how have you been today? Have you been taking care of yourself?'" Dahyun said slowly as she read the question.
No way... my question was read out loud...
"Annyeong ONCE, I've been feeling wonderful today and yes, I've been taking care of myself. Thank you for caring. But you need to take care of yourself too, you know? Stay healthy and keep cheering us on! Do it for me!" Nayeon happily said as she held up a little finger heart to the camera.
As much as I wanted to be happy from hearing those words that Nayeon said, I couldn't. Tears hit the phone screen as I laid my phone on my bed. Replaying her words 'do it for me' stirred guilt in my body.
The first and last time that she asked me to do something for her, I rejected it before she even finished her words. I was too scared to even hear what she had to say that day.
===
"Y/N, please understand. Could you do that for me? I-"
"No Nayeon! I- I can't... you're just leaving me... you don't even know if.. if this'll work out..."
===
"Nayeon..." I muttered in my dark and desolate bedroom.
My heart ached once again as I thought back to that night for the millionth time. I stopped zoning out and picked up my phone once again. Luckily, I was just in time to hear their parting words before they ended the stream.
"So as a token of our gratitude to ONCE, we'll be hosting a fansign event 2 weeks from now. Now, we know that we've already released our latest mini-album 'Feel Special' a month ago, but we decided to do this surprise fansign event for you guys!" Jihyo announced.
"Because we're on a tight schedule, only 50 lucky ONCEs will be able to attend the fansign event. I hope that we can see you there in 2 weeks time!" Chaeyoung said.
"We have to go now since it's getting late and we have to practice early tomorrow. Please read the details on the fansign event once it's released tomorrow morning. Good luck to you guys!" Sana said.
The livestream shortly ended and I turned off my phone afterwards. I tried to process what they just said.
A fansign event... to meet them... and to meet HER.
For the first time in 6 years, I felt a bit of hope. This fansign event would probably be the only real chance that I'd have of seeing and talking to her face-to-face. I had to go to that fansign event no matter what.
If I was going to move on with life, this would be the first step that I'd have to take. I got up from my bed and took my sleeping medicine. I don't think that I needed the sleeping medicine tonight because I fell asleep very quickly.
No matter what I have to do, I'll see you once again Nayeon.
.
.
.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
The alarm rang in my ears as I tiredly searched around the nightstand to turn off the alarm. I finally hit the 'snooze' button after I missed it 4 times. Slowly getting up from my bed, I got ready for the long day ahead of me.
After finishing my morning routine, I sat back down on my bed after getting dressed. I heard a buzz coming from my phone, but I muted my phone. I know that it was my mom's daily reminder to take my medicine as well as having a good day today.
"I know, I know mom..." I said as I got up from my bed.
I looked among the various bottles until I found the ones that I had to take in the morning. Drinking some water and quickly swallowing the pills, I looked outside my apartment window before checking the time.
It was almost time for the fansign information to be posted on the website. I checked the website and sure enough, the details were there.
It seemed like it'd be a "lottery-based fansign" meaning that fans would need to buy albums for an entry into the raffle. The more albums bought meant more entries into the raffle, which meant a higher chance of securing a spot at the fansign.
No matter what, I'd get into that fansign even if it costed me an arm and a limb. It was also important to note that I only had 1 week
I left my apartment and arrived shortly to the store that was posted in the fansign announcement.
The store was PACKED with so many ONCEs. I cautiously walked over to where the 'Feel Special' mini-albums were and saw a swarm of ONCEs grabbing handfuls of the mini-album.
I had no idea how many albums would secure me a decent chance to get into the fansign so I decided to observe the other fans. Some fans grabbed 5 while others grabbed 25 mini-albums.
Holy shit, seems like I'm not the only one trying to meet them.
I grabbed a handful as well and didn't even count the number of albums in my arms. I walked to the register and placed it all down on the counter.
The clerk looked surprised as they looked from the counter to me. I gave them a nervous smile and chuckled a bit as they slowly began to count all the albums that were sprawled out on the counter.
"You really must want to go to this fansign huh?" The clerk said as they tried to make some small talk with me.
"You have no idea..." I shyly said as they continued to count the albums.
It turns out that I got around 60 albums which was to say the least... VERY EXPENSIVE. Thankfully, owning a very popular cafe had its upside and I could easily cover those costs.
After I paid for the albums, they gave me a slip where I wrote down the information for the fansign lottery. Once I did that, I gave it to the clerk and they thanked me for my purchase and asked me to come back again.
"I'm really crazy huh..." I said to myself as I got back in my car.
I drove off to the cafe as I had to tend to my owner duties alongside my friend Juwon. After we both graduated high school, Juwon and I opened up a cafe and it took off in popularity as many Korean idols and trainees would come here for our coffee and snacks.
"Hey Y/N!" Juwon said as he saw me enter through the front door of the cafe.
"Hey Juwon, how's the traffic been?" I asked.
"Hasn't been that busy, but we still had a steady flow of new customers. Tae came to visit the cafe as well."
After high school ended, Juwon and Tae still stuck by my side after everything that I went through. It was thanks to these two that I wasn't dead yet.
"Ah, that's good..." I said as I watched him use the monitor.
"Hey Y/N.." Juwon said. "I overheard from many of the customers that TWICE is having a fa-"
"Fansign. Yeah, I heard." I said cutting off Juwon.
He nodded in response to my answer and I knew what he was going to ask. He didn't push me for any more questions, but he knew what my answer was.
We spent the rest of the day just helping out around the cafe. Once the last customer left, we closed for the night. It was Juwon and I left as we were locking up the front door to the cafe.
"So, what's your plan on getting into this fansign?" Juwon asked as he locked the front door. After doing so, he put the key in his pocket and he turned to look at me.
"Just buying lots and lots of albums I guess..." I said as he laughed at my response.
"Aye don't think about it too much alright? You'll get into that fansign no matter what." Juwon said as he patted my back.
He left afterwards and I entered my car. I just sat in my car, gripping the steering wheel before taking my medication. I really didn't know if I'd get into that fansign.
If I did somehow miraculously win a spot... what will happen I wonder?
.
.
.
Almost 2 weeks later...
Today was the day that the winners for the fansign would be announced.
I had bought many more albums since the first day and it was well over 100 albums that I had bought at this point. I paced my bedroom back and forth as I anxiously watched the timer count down on the website. It felt like torture as every passing minute felt like an hour.
I'm so nervous! What if I don't even get a spot? That means I just bought all of those albums for nothing...
I rubbed my temples with my thumb and pointer finger as I sat at the edge of my bed.
Eventually, I heard the timer and looked at the website. The website had updated itself with a big button in the middle that said "CLICK HERE TO SEE FANSIGN WINNERS."
I hesitantly pressed it and watched the screen load before me. Once the screen was done loading, I saw so many names before me. I slowly scrolled through the page until I saw my name among the list of winners.
#31 Song Y/N
I couldn't believe it as I kept refreshing the page and checked my name to see if it really was there. My breathing became jagged and quick as I couldn't believe my eyes. I called Juwon, but he already knew.
"Congratulations #31, you get to finally see Nayeon. How are you feeling?"
I couldn't form any words to express the relief that I was feeling. The tears came and I quietly cried for a few minutes as Juwon comforted me over the call. After 6 years, I'll be able to fix everything with her... It didn't matter that it took this long, it was an opportunity and I wasn't going to lose it.
.
.
.
The day of the fansign came and I sat in the room with other people as I anxiously waited for TWICE to come out. I was fidgeting my fingers as I looked down at the floor. I was very nervous as the time for the fansign came closer and closer.
I've spent the last few days preparing how I'd talk to her and eventually reveal my identity before apologizing to her. Sooner or later, we all saw TWICE as they walked on stage. Mina wasn't there due to her hiatus.
"Annyeong ONCE! Congratulations on coming to the fansign! Let's all have fun today!" Jihyo said as the crowd cheered.
The majority of the fansign was spent with TWICE playing games with the audiences as well as singing some of their songs. Eventually, an hour or two passed before they started the official meet-and-greet part of the fansign.
Everyone got to meet TWICE based on the order of lottery picks. Because I was #31, I'd be the 31st person to go up and meet them. As I was finally able to meet them, my heart beat faster and faster from the anticipation.
It seemed like I'd meet Jeongyeon, Momo, Dahyun, Jihyo, Sana, Chaeyoung, and then Nayeon with Jeongyeon being the first girl and Nayeon being last.
"Alright sir, you can start your meet and greet now." said a staff as they motioned me to the first empty seat. I slowly sat down in front of Jeongyeon and Jeongyeon gave me a big smile.
"Annyeonghaseyo Jeongyeon..." I said meekily as I looked down. I was so nervous since this was the first time I was talking to an actual celebrity.
"Yah! Why are you looking down? Do you not want to see me?" Jeongyeon said pouting.
"N- No Mianhae! It's just t- that it's been so long since I talked to some girls..." I muttered.
Jeongyeon laughed at my response and ruffled with my hair. We talked for a few more minutes before I had to switch seats.
"Have some courage ONCE! Girls like that." Jeongyeon whispered to me before I left. I cheered up at her words and she signed my album as well.
Momo was playing with one of the gifts that other fans brought when I sat down. She looked up at me and smiled.
"Momo... you really like food right?" I said to her. Trying to follow Jeongyeon's encouraging words, I tried to make an effort to not be as awkward.
Momo nodded at my words, wondering where I was trying to go with this question. Pulling out a stack of coupons for free snacks and coffee at the cafe I owned, I slid it over towards her. She hesitatingly grabbed the stack of coupons before her eyes saucered at the words on the coupons.
"Eh?! ONCE you own this cafe?! We love eating here all the time!" She exclaimed happily.
I rubbed my nape from embarrassment and thanked her for that. We began talking about food in general until I had to go on to the next girl. Like Jeongyeon, she signed my album as well as thanked me for the free coupons.
As I got more and more comfortable with myself, I started to enjoy my time at the fansign. All of the girls were incredibly kind and had only lifted my spirits.
Dahyun was funny with her jokes, Jihyo was uplifting with her words of encouragement, and Sana was optimistic and energetic.
I was in front of Chaeyoung as we talked about the arts. As we kept talking, I couldn't help but steal glances at Nayeon. Within the 6 years since we last saw each other, she had grown more beautiful.
My heart thumped heavily as I stared at her. Her smile still leaves me breathless even after all of these years. Her beautiful eyes were alluring in their own way. The way that she looked in this moment made me fall in love with her all over again. There was no one like Im Nayeon.
"Ah, so you like Nayeon-unnie hm?" Chaeyoung hummed teasingly. I faced towards her and my face got red as I denied her suspicions profusely.
"Ah Chaeyoung, don't tease him! Look at what you're doing to our poor fan!" Sana said as she overheard our conversation. Chaeyoung laughed at the scene that she had caused before apologizing to me.
"You can try to win my unnie's heart, but I don't know if you'll be successful." Chaeyoung said as she doodled on my album.
"Wae?" I curiously asked at Chaeyoung's words.
"Something about the word 'love' makes her sad. Like she never wants to fall in love again..." Chaeyoung whispered to me as we both looked at Nayeon.
I felt guilty as she said those words. I knew that it was most likely because me.
"Mianhae ONCE for ruining your dream." Chaeyoung said apologetically.
"Aniyo, it's okay." I said smiling at Chaeyoung.
The staff alerted me that my time with the tiger cub was done and she gave me a tiny Fighting fist as I got up. I smiled back and did the Fighting gesture back and I went towards the chair in front of Nayeon.
As I sat down in the chair, Nayeon smiled at me with her beautiful yet distinctive smile. I was at a lost for words as I looked at her. I lost all my confidence that I had built up from the other girls.
"Annyeong!" Nayeon happily said as she signed my album.
"A- annyeong..." I muttered.
I looked at her to see that she was still looking at me. I was so nervous that I couldn't speak for almost a minute.
Could I really tell her what I want to tell her?
I tried to gather up what was left of my courage as I tried to apologize for the past. I practiced it so many times before I came here. I shouldn't let this go to waste.
"N- Nayeon I..." I tried to follow through with my plan, but it was so hard for me to actually do that when she was right in front of me. I could see that Chaeyoung was glancing at me worriedly.
I tried to level my breathing, but it just got worse.
Looking into Nayeon's eyes, the memory of that night all hit me at once. The pain, the guilt, the regret, all of the emotions from that night that I had bottled up inside of my mind was coming out.
I started having an anxiety attack as the memories of that night kept replaying over and over. My mind wouldn't make me forget the things that I had put her through. It wanted me to remember the sins of my past.
I looked back down as I didn't want her to see me like this. Nayeon looked worried as she reached over and lifted my chin to look at my face.
"Hey, are you okay...?" She asked.
Locking eye contact with her, my hyperventilation got worse as tears started to form in my eyes. The sorrow that I felt from that night was too much for me to handle.
She extended an arm towards me and I pushed her hand away as she just looked in bewilderment at me.
My blood pounded in my ears. My whole body shook intensely. My tears disfigured my vision. My breathing got labored as the air was choking me. My heart felt like it'd jumped out my chest with the way it pounded so hard.
I had officially lost control of my body. It had given in to the anxiety and guilt from that night.
"I'm sorry..." I said as I looked down at my lap. I couldn't form any coherent sentences.
"H- Huh?" Nayeon asked confused.
"I'm sorry Nayeon... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."
I kept repeating those words like a broken record. I gripped my pants tightly as I felt the gaze of the other TWICE members and the other fans on me. I felt ashamed of myself.
I brought my hands up to my eyes as I tried to stop crying, but the tears kept falling. I just had to get out of there, it was suffocating me. I suddenly got up from the chair and ran for the nearest exit.
Despite the protests from the staff and even Nayeon, I couldn't bare to stay there any longer. I needed to get as far away as I could from her.
This was the worst idea that I had thought of.
As long as I lived, I wouldn't be able to apologize to her for my sins.
End