Ingrid was ready to cry.
Not because they'd started talking. But because she knew that when they did, she was going to break down.
"Today, I want to start by mentioning a common treatment that most of these disorders have in common," said Cami once they were seated by the window in Ingrid's armchairs. Irene had chosen to settle on Cami's lap, purring while the psychologist caressed the back of her neck. "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Have you heard of it?"
She assented. "Finn mentioned it, but he didn't go into detail about what it is."
"It is meant to help you with your problems by changing the way you think and behave. One part that I think might help you is keeping a diary or journal of your thoughts, while I assign you homework that can help you confront your fears or recognize unhealthy patterns in your life."
Ingrid frowned, not sure if she understood. "For example," said Cami, "if you're nervous about being in large crowds, I'd assign you to attend a jazz festival with a friend. You'd be exposed directly to the root of your anxiety, and in a positive environment with a friend, it could help you feel better about that situation."
"Okay," murmured Ingrid. "And is that... a requirement?"
"It depends. Depending on what we discuss today, the memories that are brought up, I might not assign you homework. At future sessions, it's also a maybe. Sometimes you just need to vent about everything and it'll help you recognize problems right away, which will allow you to feel better about situations without CBT. In your case, it'll be a learn-as-we-go kind of approach to see what will meet your needs best. Anything you want to say before we get started?"
Ingrid shook her head.
Cami shuffled her notes. "I want to talk to you first about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, commonly known as PTSD. Are you familiar with it?"
"Yes," said Ingrid. "I read that section... there are a lot of different diagnostic criterias for that."
"Yes, there are. In your case, for section a to determine what you experienced, I have noted that you directly experienced a great deal many things, witnessed others, and heard of them from people you knew. The most general term for what I think you might have PTSD for is death. You experienced death. Witnessed it when Freya and her son died. You were made to kill many people, and you gave your life to kill Dahlia. Are there any specific deaths you want to add to the list, so that we may talk about them all in detail?"
Ingrid squirmed a bit uncomfortably. "Um... a few. Most of the murders kind of blurred together but one sticks out. Aiden."
Cami noted that. "Freya mentioned you spoke with Josh. Do you feel better after the fact?"
She assented. "Yeah, I do. I think we're friends now. Irene likes him. But then again," she gestured at the cat, who was now showing Cami her spotted belly, "she seems to like everyone. Um... I was nervous when he approached me. I tried to duck away, I didn't feel like talking about what happened because I felt so guilty. But Marcel kind of made me speak to him, and it went well."
"Do you normally extend to avoid discussion of all these memories and events?"
"I guess so. I don't like to talk about it because I get distressed."
Cami scribbled onto her notepad, causing Irene to start gnawing at the edges of the papers. "Is there anything more you'd like to say about Aiden's death?"
She shook her head. "I think that one was worked through, mostly. Getting to talk to Josh about it... getting to tell him my side of it... it helped a lot. I feel more at peace. And I told him that when I get my powers back, I'll bring Aiden back to life."
Cami dropped her pen, sending Irene flying down to get it. She picked it up and started to run with it, but Ingrid caught her, handing the pen to Cami. "Ingrid," said Cami a bit sternly, "please don't tell me you promised that to him."
"I don't recall if I did. But I will try. I've never resurrected someone, but I know it's possible. I killed Aiden, I have to take responsibility for it."
"But what if you aren't able to?"
"Then at least I'll have tried. I'll be honest with Josh if my efforts aren't working. I'd consult Kol and Freya, too. I just... I know I can't take back anything I did years ago. I know there's no use in fixing any of that. The relatives of the people I killed are gone. And as for anyone else that died when Dahlia and I came here... none have stuck out as much as Aiden. I need to at least try to make things right. I think it'd make me feel a lot better if I could attempt to fix it."
"It might distress you more if you're unable to."
Ingrid began to grow frustrated. "I shouldn't have even brought it up."
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad," said Cami. "Because what you did was very honorable... very kind. But I also don't want either you or Josh to be saddled with false hope. It will hurt you tremendously if you end up being unsuccessful. I just want you to think of the implications of taking on a task like that. How will you do it? Don't you need Aiden's ashes? The werewolf funerals don't exactly function that way."
"I don't need his ashes," said Ingrid hotly. "Josh buried his heart in the Bayou. If I use his heart, some of his items, a few choice herb and black salt, a concentrated candle circle and a strong source of power— Kol for example— then as the person who ripped his heart out, I can magically 'put it back' and recreate his body simultaneously. For fuck's sake, why doesn't anyone think me capable of anything anymore?" She turned away. "Sorry," she muttered. "It infuriates me when someone doubts me."
"And why is that?" said Cami, as patiently as ever.
"Because I was born with more power than most witches who have ever walked this Earth. It's like I told Finn... I could do anything. I was immortal. I could cure anyone, create life, take it, destroy a whole coven with a wave of my hand, create a new one, form new branches of magic... anything I set my mind to, I could do. I never expected to die permanently. But I did. And now I'm powerless and I-I'm..." her voice broke, "terrified that I'm never going to have my magic again and that next time I will die for real because I'll be human and nothing will bring me back."
"Say it," whispered Cami. "As bluntly as you can."
"I'm scared to die again," whispered Ingrid, a tear sliding down her cheek. "I'm scared that if I don't get my magic soon, I'll be stuck in a situation I can't get myself out of and I'll just be gone."
Cami handed her a tissue, holding it up high so Irene couldn't snatch it from her. "I'm proud of you for saying it," she soothed. "It's a step towards healing."
"Everything is a step," muttered Ingrid as she dried her eyes. "But nothing is a stride. Nothing is a leap. I don't want to be taking slow steps to getting my magic back. I want it back now."
"I know. And I wish I could help you get it back sooner. But even in non-magical beings, healing takes time. Your body and mind need a break. They worked so very hard for a long time and now, they need a breather."
Ingrid figured they ought to move on before she started to feel annoyed again. "I suppose the next one to talk about is Freya. And Freya's son. My nephew."
"Alright. Start whenever you're ready."
"I feel like it's wrong that I still resent her for it," said Ingrid, crossing her arms. "But... that's the truth. I hate that she did it. I hate that I had to see her die that way. We made a promise that we wouldn't fall in love. I thought we'd both keep it and be safe. But she broke her vow, she fell in love with Matthias. And that was when Freya and I had our first fight. I was telling her that as nice as he was, he was a human. Powerless against Dahlia.
"I begged her to stop seeing him. I told her to stop being selfish, because if she slept with him, she'd get pregnant and she'd give Dahlia what she wanted the entire time. I said... in a very unkind way... that she ought to keep her legs closed. I was just so mad. I immediately apologized for it, but then, she shot back with something that hurt me. She revealed to me that she'd already slept with Matthias. That she'd enjoyed it. And she told me that I was just being too frigid. That if I just stopped being afraid of sex, I could know about pleasure, too. I didn't speak to her for a long while, but it didn't seem to affect her. She was happy, sleeping with that man every chance she got. Dahlia didn't mind it. She'd ask me where Freya was, I'd tell her she was with Matthias, and she'd smile. Knowing that it was only a matter of time before Freya announced she was expecting.
"When she did, I wasn't happy for her. She was so pleased. Dahlia congratulated her. I told her I wanted no part in it. For months, I didn't aid her. She would be ill, and I'd pretend not to see it. Dahlia tended to her the majority of the time, if Matthias wasn't there. But as time passed, Matthias started to formulate a plan for them to escape. And when Dahlia found out about it, she grew enraged. She cursed Matthias, just like she cursed my father. Freya had to watch him die. She was in so much pain. Dahlia had me help her take Matthias's body to a shallow grave she'd prepared, while Freya ran to the hut, crying. When we got back..."
They entered the cottage, finding Freya holding a bottle of poison, which had been depleted significantly. Freya started to sway, and Ingrid realized, horrified, what her cousin had done.
"I gave you everything!" snarled Dahlia. "And you dare take what is mine?"
Ingrid only just managed to catch Freya as she died in her arms, her body going limp, a smile on her face. Immediately after, she began to bleed. Ingrid lifted her to her bed, unsure why this was happening.
"Foolish girl," said Dahlia. "She will wake soon. I ensured long ago that we could never die."
Ingrid realized what she meant. An immortality spell, placed on them when they were put to sleep for the first time. "Her baby," she whispered. "She will wake and her son will be dead."
"Let that be a lesson to her," said Dahlia, though she was clearly angry that this had happened. She rolled up her sleeves. "Let us rip it out—"
"NO!" screamed Ingrid. "No, no, Tante, let me deliver the baby as it would have been, if it had not died. Please."
Dahlia was not inclined to let her, but she sat back, allowing Ingrid to carefully bring out the stillborn baby boy, cleaning him and wrapping him in a sheet as they waited for Freya to wake.
"I am so sorry," she whispered, looking down at the dead baby. "You are with your father now."
"She was going to name him Finn," said Ingrid. "It haunted me for a while, seeing the baby's face... remembering the unnerving smile Freya had stuck on hers when she died. I'd close my eyes and I'd see it... I still can, if I think about it. I used to dream of it, and I hated to think of that day. Eventually, I asked Freya to render me infertile because I never, ever wanted to experience that. First and foremost, I didn't want to give Dahlia what she wanted. And secondly, I didn't want to have a baby only for it to be stillborn... I'd just be reliving that moment again. Freya performed the spell so well that Dahlia was never able to remove it. And so then, I tried to conquer my fears, knowing that I wouldn't have to watch any child of mine die— no such child would ever exist. And I never, ever would think to take my own life. Especially not knowing that I'd come back. I suppose I sort of did, when I killed Dahlia. I knew I'd die. But I suppose I wasn't as afraid because I knew it was what had to be done to defeat her.
"I don't think I feel anything regarding Dahlia's death. Nothing very negative, I should say. Some guilt, that's natural, but I don't think I need to discuss it. I felt... good, knowing I got to be the one to defeat her, to show her that she wasn't as all-powerful as she thought herself to be. I was able to stand victorious over her, for just a moment, before everything faded away. And..." she trailed off, and shook her head, "I actually don't wish to talk about what I experienced when I died. Not yet. Do I have PTSD from it? I think you're right, yes, I probably do. But I don't want to get into that. Aside from seeing Finn... there isn't much I'm comfortable talking about yet."
"That's alright," said Cami. "Are there any other deaths you'd like to discuss? You said there were a few you wanted to add to the list."
"My parents, I think," she said. "And one... other. Is it okay if we see how I feel after discussing my parents' death before we discuss the other one?"
"Of course. Whatever you need."
Ingrid drew a deep breath. "I witnessed my mother's death when Klaus let me into his mind, and I witnessed the moment Dahlia cursed my father. It was... awful. It made me furious, learning the truth about why I didn't get to be raised by them. Everything Dahlia took from me... made so much worse because I learned, for the first time, that they wanted me. They wanted to take care of me and take care of Freya. They would have kept us safe. But my father never even got to know I was going to be a girl. Hardly got to see me growing in my mother's belly. He died so early on in the pregnancy, and I... I just can't imagine the pain he went through. But... I have an idea of it, based on what happened to Matthias. And what I heard happened to your uncle and brother."
Cami winced. "They died in immense pain, from what I know. No one deserves that."
"My father was in battle when it happened to him. I wonder if he just... went mad and started harming himself, or if he was so erratic that someone on his side had to put him down. Or if he died clutching his side, in pain, in his own tent. I want to know but at the same time, I don't think I can handle seeing it. It was bad enough seeing my mother... having had such a painful labor that Dahlia forced upon her. She was screaming and crying, begging her not to do it... and then she just started to bleed and bleed," Ingrid's eyes widened, and she started to tremble, "there was so much blood... and she was getting so pale... and Dahlia hardly looked at her... she was holding me, and my mother... my m-mum..." her eyes watered once again, "she was reaching out to try and grab me, to hold me at least one time before she died and Dahlia didn't let her, she waved her hand and even more blood started to come out, and she just... laid back and died... her eyes were open... and she wasn't moving..."
"Ingrid," said Cami worriedly. "Hey. How about we take a break?"
She shook her head. "She killed my mother," she whispered. "She killed her and I was r-right there, but I was a baby, I couldn't remember that even if I tried, but I saw it through Dahlia's eyes, as she killed her own sister... all so she could ensure I stayed with her... from the very beginning of my life I witnessed death and was later forced to participate in killing others and I... I never had a choice, I never stood a chance, and now, I can't take back what I did. And if I could sleep, I'd surely have nightmares, but I can't sleep, I haven't been able to."
She started to sob. "A-And that's not even the worst one. I loved my mother, but I never knew her. I never got to hear her sing to me, I never got any advice and she never even held me. As horrifying as it was to see it, and as much as it hurts, it hurts less knowing that I'd never miss her touch because aside from being in her womb, I never even made contact with her. I'll heal from it, in time, knowing I got my revenge. But the one that really, really did it for me was... Alma's death."
"Who is Alma?"
"My girlfriend," said Ingrid unsteadily. "My beautiful, beautiful love. Dahlia killed her for being with me... she beat me and she forced me to burn her body after placing the mind control spell on me for the first time. She... she caught us together, she realized what was happening, and she dragged us to the cottage where Freya was. Alma was screaming, she was begging her to have mercy. Dahlia laughed in her face. I tried to use my magic to save her and Dahlia overpowered me. She shoved Alma to the floor, holding up her hand and breaking her bones little by little. She was sobbing, screaming for me to help, and I couldn't.
"Dahlia started to choke her, magically. She began to bleed everywhere... more blood... and the life just left her eyes. She couldn't even close them. She was just dead. I'd begged Freya to leave that day, and she did. So when Dahlia was done beating me, when she saw me laying my head on Alma's chest, stroking her hair, whimpering about how sorry I was that I couldn't save her... she cast her spell. I died when she first cast it... but that death I hardly remember, I hardly consider it as having happened to me. I awoke and she made me burn her body... Alma was unrecognizable at the end. And I didn't get to bury her. Never got to put her to rest."
They both had a silent agreement that that was enough for one day.
"I feel better, mentioning it," said Ingrid with a slight shrug, once she'd stopped crying. "I've never been able to tell anyone all of that in so much detail. Do I still fear dying? A bit. But... it's like this weight has been lifted off my chest. Until I get my magic back, I won't feel fully safe, but... I imagine my cousins can do a better job of protecting me than I did with Alma."
"Her death is not your fault," said Cami sadly, fighting so very hard to keep herself from crying, too. She could see just how much this hurt Ingrid, she could tell that it had broken her a bit inside, having to admit to someone that she'd been powerless against Dahlia when she'd tried to save Alma from dying in such a brutal way. "Ingrid, you fought to keep her alive. You did nothing wrong by being with her. Dahlia was just selfish and cruel and she couldn't let you be happy, and that's her fault. She is the one who killed Alma. She is the one that burned her. Not you. You loved her and cherished her and I know she would never hold it against you. She loved you and she would never blame you." She clasped her hands together. "Do you think you'd be interested in talking more about Alma at our next session, before we go on to other disorders? I can tell she was the most major person in your life aside from Dahlia and Freya. The most important, where a lot of your emotions are tied. It might be good to discuss any lingering feelings. We don't have to, of course."
"I'd rather not discuss that here," said Ingrid honestly. "I feel like that's something I could talk to Josh about, though, if he's willing to listen. I know he's not a professional but it feels... really weird to discuss it with you."
Cami figured it was because she was not openly gay, and had never had a girlfriend. "Yeah, of course. If there's ever anything you don't want to say to me in particular, you can definitely discuss it with someone else. Just so you know, Freya's been kind enough to place silencing spells on this room, so nothing said here will enter anyone else's ears. I'm not going to disclose anything I learn here to anyone."
"I know," said Ingrid. "It's just not a subject I like to talk to many people about. But since Josh and I can relate, I think I can work that out... better with him." She sniffled. "Do I get homework today?"
"Do you think you need any?"
"I'd rather not have any. I genuinely feel better, getting all that off my chest. If anything, I need something that will help me sleep. I'm going to try some breathing techniques I saw on the internet... I just don't know how long it will take for it to work."
"They might take a few days. But I recommend you keep trying it, and if after a week you sense no improvement, then tell me and we can figure something else out."
"Thanks, Cami," murmured Ingrid. She bit her lip, and blurted out, "Do you think you'd like to come with me to a nightclub? Freya made me go with her and I didn't really enjoy it. Josh and I made a deal that we'll go clubbing and try to talk to someone new and if we don't like it, we'll come here with Irene. But I realize now it might be better to just have fun with people I know for a few trips before I jump into chatting someone up."
Cami blinked. "Oh, well, yeah, I'd be happy to accompany you guys if I don't have work. Who all went with you?"
"Marcel drove us. Josh showed up after, but we left, and Freya ended up coming home with some frat boy... I think 'frat' is the word Klaus used, but I don't know what that means."
The blonde laughed lightly. "It's short for 'fraternity.' I don't know if you've walked by Tulane's 'frat row?'"
"Oh," said Ingrid. "I did hear about that. I just didn't understand what they were trying to say. I never expected 'frat' to be a word in my vocabulary. I keep misunderstanding some things. It sort of reminds me how the other day that Josh was here, he called Irene 'fear-steen' because I call her princess in Danish, fyrstinde."
This made Irene perk up, and she started to meow. "Yes, fyrstinde," said Ingrid softly. "That means you, baby."
Cami smiled, reaching over to caress Irene's head. "You seem happy with her. I hadn't seen you smile this much."
"She's a good kitty," said Ingrid. "She makes it easy." She cleared her throat. "So... Freya wants to go to the club again tomorrow night. Think you will be able to go with us?"
Cami thought for a moment. "Yes, tomorrow night I'm not working." She got to her feet. "So, I'll see you then?"
Ingrid managed a smile. "See you then."
It was only when Cami left that she realized she still had no clue how to behave at a nightclub. The last thing she wanted was to make a fool of herself.
"Josh?" she said to the boy over the phone, when she called him an hour later. "I think I need a lesson in nightclub... everything."
Irene meowed when she heard Josh saying he'd be at her door soon.