Hey guys, it's me again! I'm here with some fresh angst for you. And it's a songfic to boot!
TW! Self Harm, intrusive thoughts, self loathing!
Enjoy~
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~(Y/N)'s POV~
I sit in my tent, crying silently to myself. Geralt was away on a hunt, so he wouldn't hear me, but old habits die hard.
'You're better off dead. You're just a burden in his eyes. Just dragging him down.' The voices say, causing me to sob harder, covering my mouth with a hand to stifle the noises.
Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound
It's a mask, it's a lie
It's the only home I've ever known
'Cause being who I really am
Has only left me more alone
Geralt was the only one who I thought really understood me, but sometimes he didn't even act like I exist which only made the voices worse.
"(Y/N)." I hear Geralt's low, gruff voice call for me, wiping my eyes and standing up, walking out of the tent with a false smile plastered to my face.
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You'll never understand
Why it's so hard to say
I'm not okay
Geralt frowns for a second, almost seeing through my facade. I look down at the ground briefly, glancing back up at him.
"Yes Geralt?" I ask softly.
"I caught dinner. And sold the monster's body to the town alderman."
"That's great Geralt. What'd you catch for dinner?" I ask. He held up a pheasant, showing me the bird before he sat down on one of the logs by the fire, starting to pluck the bird.
I wish I had a scar
Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof
That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse
My life's invisible abuse
I'm either judged or have to hide
The only symptom you can see
Is I don't wanna be alive
I take a seat on the log across from Geralt's, on the opposite side of the fire.
Not looking up from his task, Geralt spoke, "Have you been crying again?" He asks, plucking away at the pheasant.
"N-no. What makes you say that? I'm fine!" I say, forcing an even bigger smile.
"Are you sure? If you want to talk... I'm not a talker, but I'll listen." Geralt says, finally glancing up at me.
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You'll never understand
Why it's so hard to say
"I'm okay." I state simply, picking up a stick from the ground and drawing in the dirt with it.
"Whatever you say." Geralt says, going back to the bird.
'That was close, (Y/N), you almost slipped there. Can't have you burdening this poor man anymore than you already do~' The voices say. I stand up and walk to my tent, furiously wiping my eyes.
Later that night, after we had eaten, Geralt and I went to our separate tents for the night. I grab the dagger that Geralt gave me to protect myself and drew up my shirt, bracing myself before I made a shallow cut on my hip, right over the current scabs there.
I'll never have the words, I can't explain this hell
But what if it kills me
If I keep it to myself?
To myself
I bite my lip, making a few more shallow cuts before grabbing a piece of linen from my healing kit, placing pressure over the fresh wounds, a slight hiss leaving my lips. Once the bleeding stopped, I lowered my shirt, just in time too. Geralt burst into my tent, his brow furrowed.
"Are you okay? I smelled blood." He asks, looking at me.
"I'm fine. Now go to bed, Witcher."
"No. You're lying to me. You have been for months." Geralt says, taking a seat on the ground next to my cot.
"Now, talk to me. Tell me what's going on." He says, his voice softer than normal as his amber eyes met mine.
I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
I am not okay
'I am not okay'
The words fell from my lips like a waterfall, tears pouring from my eyes as I told Geralt about the voices in my head. How I've been feeling like a burden. Explaining how when Jaskier of Yen was with us, I felt as though they would be better off without me.
Through all my tears, I saw Geralt move to his knees, leaning forward and cupping my cheeks, wiping my tears with his thumbs.
I'm never safe
It's not a phase
If I finally break
Would you still stay?
"Mouse, you are not a burden... I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that you were. I'll talk to Jask and Yen to make sure this never happens again... Now, why did I smell blood earlier?" He asks softly. I sniffle and raise my shirt, revealing my scarred and scabbed hips.
"Fuck... Mouse, why? You should've talked to me..." He whispers, his amber eyes showing worry. My lip trembles anew and I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around the Witcher, sobbing into his black shirt.
"I'm here for you, Mouse, you're safe now." Geralt whispers, rubbing my back.
"I love you." He says, resting his head against mine.
Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
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I hope y'all enjoyed it! The song is I'm Not Okay by Citizen Soldier. If you want some relatable depression music, check them out on spotify.
Luv Y'all,
Aisy Daisy