Art by Ninomae Ina'nis on twitter (thank you priestess!)
Requested by my dumb brain oozing more bad slime than good slime (haha comedy)
Calliope Mori + !Gender Neutral!Teenager!Reader (I swear if any of you read this as romantic you're going to meet the business end of Ricky.)
I swear to fucking Matsuri if any of you read this as romantic I'm taking both your knees and our ankles.
(Vent fic because I want a dad like Calli and because I need to do something about my goddamn emotions and then End of a Life came on and I decided to cling on to this amazing reaper.)
Just in case anyone needs a TW (idk, feel like I should put one here) for gender dysphoria and self-hate, so feel free to skip this chapter, and if you really have nothing nice to say please kindly don't say anything.
(Also just a quick thank you to everyone who helped me decide on if I posted this or not.)
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You felt detached, barely able to comprehend the feeling of blankets brushing over your fingertips and the plushness of your pillow. You were only aware of the crushing feeling settling in your chest and the anxiety writhing in the bottom of your stomach. The darkness around you felt like it could swallow you at any point, and a part of you felt okay with that. You seriously doubted anyone would care if they did.
'What is wrong with me?' You whimpered, and although your eyes stung and throat constricted, you didn't let the tears trickle forth. It was such a practiced motion, something you could do so easily that it felt like you couldn't even cry if you wanted to.
Just another thought, catching another glance of your reflection in the screen of your device made you wince and curl further into your little ball of self-hate. You just felt wrong, like this body was not your own, like you were supposed to be someone else just better than you. Any body would feel better than the one you had right now.
'Why does everything feel wrong? Where did everything go wrong? I shouldn't feel like this, I don't have any reason! My life's been fine and... Agh! Stupid!' You grumbled, emotions more frayed than ripped fabric. The burning tugged at the corner of your eyes, your nails digging into your skin as you felt a few tears slip down your cheeks.
'Why am I me? And why does me have to be so fucking... stupid!' You tugged at the hoodie you were wearing, so soft and comfy, just barely able to keep your emotions at bay. For a moment you briefly considered grabbing your phone and going to Google, pondering how much paracetamol would be too much.
"Dude, don't do it," You felt your heartrate spike. Glancing over the pillow wall lining your bed, you could vaguely spot a figure who seemingly glowed in the dark. Wine-red eyes seemed disheartened and sad.
Calliope Mori.
What? You blinked, rubbing your eyes in confusion. Pinched yourself, making sure you weren't asleep. This was real? It couldn't be. However amazing this would be if it were real, Calliope Mori was an avatar, not real. A virtual mask that an entirely different person hid behind.
She offered a small smile.
"Hey, mind doing me a favour?" You sniffled, rubbing your eyes clear. You didn't respond.
"Come here and give me a hug?" She opened her arms for you. You didn't move for a split second, blinking and considering your options as your brain still struggled to figure out what the hell was actually happening.
Slowly, you placed one foot on the floor, quickly followed by the other one. Your footsteps were quiet and muffled against your bedroom floor. Calli didn't move, didn't flinch as you came closer, only giving you a soft and inviting look. You hesitantly reached out your arms, letting yourself sink into her embrace. Hands gently came to rest on your shoulders, pulling you ever so slightly closer to her, but not to the point you wouldn't be able to move if you wanted out.
"What..?" Was all you managed to croak out. Calli just hushed you, rocking you back and forth like a concerned parent, something you couldn't even remember feeling.
"Dude, I'm not ready to see a Deadbeat as young as you ready to meet my Sensei," She uttered. You flinched, hiding your face in her iconic reaper cloak. It was dark, A comfortable darkness that made you feel drowsy and safe.
"I'll be here, I'll stick around for a little if you wanna vent or whatever," Calli pulled a nearby chair out, sitting the two of you on it.
It felt so surreal, like a crazy yet heart warming dream. Perhaps you really had fallen asleep and your brain had conjured up something to make the morning a little better.
"You mind telling me what's going on? I hate seeing my fans so upset," Her voice was soft, sounding more caring than he ever did. It only made your gut churn harder, the fact that a practical stranger was more caring to you than you fucking dad, one of the reasons you were alive right now. The very thought made you feel a little angrier, gritting your teeth in frustration as you tried your damned hardest not to cry.
It was just so... hard to get those words out. You couldn't do it with your friends, hell, you could barely hint towards it with your own family. Every time, it came out sounding like a joke, and everyone seemed to brush it off in one way or another. Perhaps it was your own fault for making it sound so light-hearted.
"Hey, hey! Dude, it's okay. You don't have to tell me if it's gonna make you this upset," Calli comforted, voice soothing and low.
Eventually, you managed a single sentence.
"Is... Is there something wrong with me?" Calli seemed taken aback, at least with the way she flinched, her hug wavering ever so slightly.
"No! Why would you ever think that?" You couldn't bring yourself to look at her, your grip on her cloak growing tighter and tighter.
"It's just..." You struggled with your words. How were you supposed to say this without freaking her out? How were you supposed to say this, full stop?
"I feel wrong, everything about me. My mum says she doesn't like the way I change how I look because it makes her sad knowing I can't feel comfortable in my skin... But no matter what I do, it just doesn't work. No matter how many times I change my hair, or try and fit into a new identity, it never works! It feels like I'm running in circles, and I feel like I'm going to be like this forever!" You took a quick breath, not sure if you wanted to continue or not. Calli gave you a gentle pat on the back.
"It's cool, dude, let it all out," You sobbed once, then twice, back shaking and eyes watering making it impossible to see through all the tears.
"It's not that I don't care about my friends, but sometimes I feel like I'm the odd one out! I feel like everyone has their friend or person they can just talk to, and then there's me! The screw up whose friends left for different schools, the only people I could talk to and get answers that might actually help! And it's not like I can talk to my parents. My mum tries her best but she doesn't understand half of what I'm talking about, and I terrified to talk to my dad about it since the one time I brought it up he called it 'stupid' and 'nonsense', and it just broke me..." You trailed off your rambling.
No one spoke, the silence echoing through the empty room. Your bed had turned cold, and you suddenly felt uncomfortably sleepy and overly-warm in your hoodie. It was a shame since it gave you so much comfort.
"I think... Maybe you should sleep on it, dude. I'm not the best when it comes to this sort of stuff, but it's pretty late and that was a fierce bit of info you dumped and maybe some sleep could do you some good," Calli picked you up like you were a toddler again. You didn't object, it felt nice knowing someone cared about you.
This time, the way the blankets hugged your body with a pleasantly cool touch. Your pillows felt cold to the touch, letting your head sink in with a wave of exhaustion washing over you. Somewhere in your room, Calli was fiddling around with something. Not a moment later did you feel a wet cloth wiping away the stained tears on your face, only to be dried gently with some scrunched up tissues.
"You're a good kid, all you need to do is keep trekking forwards. Ya boi knows it's hard sometimes, and sometimes you wanna be a little bitch and run away from everything, but it's no way to live. But don't try and do something drastic that you'll regret later, dude," Fingers gently brushed through your hair.
You didn't say anything, the way your eyes slipped closed and you slowly drifted in and out of consciousness meant you couldn't. But you could vaguely see Calli smiling softly.
"Just remember, I'll be here for you, but I don't wanna see you give up everything," She seated herself on the chair again before humming softly. It was probably one of her own songs, maybe End of a Life or Cursed Night. You were too tired to figure out which one it was.
"If you want, I can stay 'till you fall asleep," You made a noncommittal noise, halfway between a yawn and a grunt, but Calli somehow understood, making herself comfortable as her humming continued.
It was soothing, so soothing. Your already tired mind became hazy as you yawned once more, pulling the blankets a little tighter around your perfectly warm body. You could still hear those thoughts gnawing at the back of your mind, but somehow with Calli here, they hurt just a little less knowing that someone didn't think you were wrong.
"Thanks, dad," You mumbled blearily. Calli froze for a moment. What was usually a silly nickname suddenly felt a little too real. You were a kid, and she was practically a stranger, yet she brought you enough comfort through her music and entertainment that you trusted her enough for the title 'dad'. Or maybe it was a slip of the tongue, either way, Calli slowly smiled.
"You're welcome, kiddo,".
For once, you fell asleep perfectly content.
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I was actually pretty apprehensive when it came to publishing this chapter. I won't go into details because I can already feel the rambling coming along. But I just wanted to say to anyone who feels this way that you matter, you shouldn't have to feel wrong in your own skin despite what I've said here. While you may not change today, or tomorrow, or even next year, just slowly build up to what you want to be. You may find it slowly sneak up on you, and before you even know it you can be the you you want to be.
(Also why do all the super angsty chapters have to be about Calli, huh brain?)