"And you could hurt me, but you wouldn't know what to say,"
___________________
REMUS LUPIN
"Does it have to be now? There's something I can't be late for, Ma'am," I'm trying my hardest to be polite, to be mindful, but it doesn't seem my professor is extending me the same curtesy.
With the full moon upcoming, my patience has been cut in half. Professor Sinatra has always prided herself on being punctual and I'm hoping she'll be sympathetic to my cause. Her dark eyebrows lace together in frustration, "This is the last time Venus will be visible in the daylight for twenty-five years, Mr. Lupin, so yes, it has to be now. If you had been listening when I was giving directions and not fooling around with Mr. Potter—"
"—Understood," I cut her off, taking my paper and turning on me heel. I leave the classroom, slamming the door behind me a bit harder than intended.
I huff. It's not even my fault I didn't hear the instructions. James gave me a wet willy while she was speaking, I had to retaliate. I'd almost accidentally shoved him off the Astronomy Tower in the process of trying to get him back.
If I can't see the planet in under five minutes, I'm just writing random scribbles on my paper. I can't be late to the first trial preparation, not when partly the reason I'm on trial is for being unpredictable.
The Astronomy Tower isn't a place I frequent outside of the actual class. Heights make me anxious.
I push open the heavy door and a warm breeze brushes past me as I squint against the sun. Upon first glance, I don't see any of the telescopes that are usually set out during lessons.
Great, I sigh.
Now I have to go through the whole process of readjusting the lenses and whatnot. I make my way over towards the area where benches are, hoping that's where all the telescopes have been put.
I almost scream upon seeing a figure dressed in all black sitting in the shade. His back is faced towards me but I'd know the hair from anywhere. Silky dark locks that only belong to those of the Black family.
I have just found Regulus Black.
What do I say?
What do I say?
What do I say?
"Are you looking for something?" he asks dryly, not turning to face me.
If I could hex without consequences, I would.
I can't take my eyes off of him. My jaw tenses and I notice my fists are balled at my side. "Telescopes," I say tightly.
Regulus tilts his head to the left, indicating that's where they are. I finally move my gaze away from his back, and sure enough, a group of telescopes are huddled in a corner.
I go and get one, not walking in front of his line of vision. Another judgemental glare is the last thing I need at the moment. I set it up, fighting against the urge to lunge at the younger boy.
I look through the telescopes. Take notes. Repeat. It's enough to keep my mind occupied off the tension on this tower. Not enough to distract me from his presence though. Every now and then I catch myself peeking at him through my peripheral vision.
I want to say there's nothing special about him.
That even I, who doesn't know him, can't see what he has that's so alluring. I wish I could say he isn't good looking enough for Cordelia. That my torn up face compliments the freckles on her cheeks better than the smoothness of his.
But I am trying to become a better person.
Therefore I cannot lie.
He is something magnificent.
And they are something beautiful together.
So beautiful that the image hurts to imagine.
Regulus looks at me quickly, more quickly than I can look away. His mouth twists down into a scowl and his sharp brows raise up. He looks so much like his brother. "What are you staring at, Lupin?"
I'm at a loss for words for a second—I hadn't been expecting him to speak to me again. "Nothing," I shrug and go back to peering out the telescope.
I hear him scoff and I can only imagine the facial expression that came along with it. "Listen, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, because I'm sure you've had your suspicions—" This grabs my attention, I look back at him. He never looked away from me. "I'm the other guy," his tone is teasing but his smirk is a bit crazed.
I swallow hard. I swear I can hear thunder, or maybe that's just the blood pumping behind my ears. The audacity of this smug git. This—this child. I breathe out a slow breath, trying to calm my thoughts. "And that is all you will ever be," I reply cooly.
Regulus' pride vanishes in seconds. He bites his cheek. "She doesn't love you anymore, Remus. She told me," He snaps, something indistinguishable on his features.
Admittedly, this pisses me off a lot and, it hurts. I never expected Delia to love me, I didn't see any reason that she should. I never thought myself as very loveable. Maybe I'm not, having ruined everything. I thought I'd fallen accidentally but looking back, it was more coincidentally than anything. And if she doesn't love me now, I know she will never love me again. Because lighting doesn't strike twice in the same place, that's just not how fate works.
Who do you blame when you've broken your own heart?
"That's okay." I tell him, and I mean it. "I love her enough for the both of us." I tell him, and I mean it.
Regulus snickers as if I'd just told him one of my best jokes. "You've got quite a way of showing it,"
"If Cordelia wants to be with you, I'm not going to be the one who stands in her way. But if there's even a chance that she doesn't, I'm going to be standing in your way, with open arms," I begin to pack up the telescope, "I don't know what it is that you two have—and I don't want to. But what I do know...is that your kind of snakes are venomous, and I hope you're aware that you're dragging her right into their pit."
He doesn't have anything to say to this as I put the equipment back where I found it. "Everyday that you continue to be with her, you bring her closer to death than I did." I throw out, before I'm ready to leave. "It's time to pick a side, Regulus. If not for your sake, for hers,"
☽☽☽
"I'm very pleased you both decided to go along with this," Dumbledore smiles from across his desk. His office smells overwhelmingly of fireworks and cinnamon. Cordelia sits in the chair to the right of me.
She breathes out a bit shakily. "What exactly is it that Rem and I are going along with?" she asks, leaning forward in the velvet chair a bit.
As if on cue, someone appears in the centre of the office with a loud crack! Cordelia and I look at each other uneasily. He's quite an odd looking man, with very stubby limbs and a large round body. His hair and beard are the darkest shade of black, stark against his all white suit.
"This is Tedorphous Bagner, think of him as Remus' lawyer. He's going to be taking you through scenarios that the pair of you might run into during the trial," Dumbledore says, waving the man over by him. Tedorphus' walk is reminiscent of a penguin.
Tedorphus grins, some teeth are missing, some are decaying. "That I am," his voice is horace like a smokers. "It's nice to be able to put a face to the names i've heard so much about,"
I find myself cringing in my seat.
"It's lovely to meet you, Mr. Bagner," Cordelia says kindly, smiling her brilliant smile at the man. "Thank you so much for helping us, Sir,"
"Please, Mr. Bagner was my father, call me Ted." He waves his hand in the air, conjuring up a seat next to Dumbledore. Woah. "And don't thank me until we've won," Ted chuckles.
Cordelia laughs uneasily.
"Sir—I mean Ted, what happens if we don't? What's going to happen if I lose?" This is questions that's been creeping into my mind late at night recently. What exactly is going to happen to me? To us?
Dumbledore and Ted look at each other uncomfortably. Ted clears his throat after a moment, "Remus, you will probably be sent to Azkaban, a few years at most. Cordelia, you will not be able to finish your education at Hogwarts, and most likely will be seen as an outcast among wizard society. I would not be surprised if you took to living as a muggle,"
Cordelia and I are both silent. My heart thrashes around in my chest. Azkaban? What? I—I feel like I need to leave. But then, she grabs my hand and grips it hard. "That's insane. He's not going anywhere. We will win."
And she's right, I'm never going anywhere. I'm going to be by her side for the rest of my life and if it was possible, I would follow her after death.
I grip her hand back and nod, a new motivation in my blood.
"Then let's get started, shall we?" Ted cracks a large smile.
He explains the first thing we will be doing. A baseline requirement, if you will. I don't like the sound of it.
"We need the absolute truth. About what happened that night, about what happened before, about your relationship. Once we know all of that, we can start to set up our defence. So, you two will be taking this Viritaserum." It's about now that I decide I don't like this man. I don't like the way he looks. I don't like the way he sounds. I don't like the way he speaks so bluntly.
"Errr—" Cordelia grimaces. "I don't think..."
"It is very necessary. If that is what you were going to say," Dumbledore cuts her off. She slumps back into her seat, huffing.
"Do you have reason to believe we would lie to you?" I ask, not bothering to hide my offence. I like to think my friends and I are closer to Dumbledore than most other students. To be honest, it hurts my ego he's treating me like anyone else.
"No, just each other." Ted laughs, looking between Cordelia and I. There's no possible way I could meet her eyes.
"So," Dumbledore claps his hands together, "This is how it will work. Ms. Evans will be given the Viritaserum first, we will ask her ten questions, and then the same for you, Remus,"
"Cordelia, just try to keep your answers as brief as possible," Ted instructs as he hands the small, tear-shaped bottle to Delia. She nods.
She stares the vile down as if it's a ticking time bomb. Maybe in some ways, it is. Cordelia takes a deep breath and tucks a curl behind her ear. In one swift motion, she takes the cork of the potion and downs it in one gulp. Old habits die hard, I guess.
"Your move," Cordelia says, making a face at the sour tasting potion. She quickly recovers her expression though and looks to me. "There's nothing you could ask that you don't already know the answer to,"
Can you still love me?
Can you still love me?
Can you still love me?
"Right, let's get started shall we? Remus, please just sit quietly while we run through this part." Dumbledore says, breaking the quiet. Ted pulls a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.
Cordelia and I nod.
"First off, is your name Cordelia Evans?" Ted asks, reading off the paper.
I almost let out a sigh of relief at the easy question. There's a lot this man could ask her, and there's a lot of answers she could give. This could hurt.
She lets out a breath she was holding, "Yes."
Ted nods, and his eyes quickly flick back to the parchment. "Are you a seventh-year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"
"Yes."
"What were you doing on September seventh, the night you were attacked?"
Cordelia grimaces a bit. "Smoking. Muggle herb."
If Ted thinks this answer is bad, he doesn't let it show. "Were you aware Remus Lupin was a werewolf before your own attack?"
My heart beat steadily increases. Each beat of silence a beat of my chest. I'm not quite sure why this question puts me so on edge. Maybe subconsciously, I just know it gets worse from here.
"No," Cordelia crosses her legs and tugs her skirt down. "No, I was not." she says, smoothing the grey fabric.
"Were you and Remus Lupin in a romantic relationship before or after the incident?"
My eyes flick to Dumbledore, what has that got to do with anything? Is what I hope my face is communicating. He smiles softly.
"After," Cordelia answers, her voice strained. "Three months after I was bitten, Remus and I began dating, officially."
I start to pick at my cuticles.
"Are you and Remus Lupin in a romantic relationship now?"
"No,"
"Did your splitting apart have anything to do with what Remus had done? Did his turning you have a factor in your breakup?" Ted asks. I sit up a bit straighter. Move up a bit in my seat.
Another one of those questions that's been keeping me up at night.
A tear rolls down her cheek, she twists the ring I gave her around her finger. There's a part of me who takes it as a compliment that she stills wears it.
From the look on her face, I know I will never recover. But then she answers. "No,"
There's a general air of surprise in the room now. From me, Tedorphus, Dumbledore and seemingly even Delia herself.
Tedorphus clears his throat, "Would you consider Remus Lupin violent?"
Cordelia wipes her eyes and takes a deep, calming breath. "Never," but there's something about her voice that's still broken.
"Do you feel safe around Remus Lupin?"
"Yes," I smile a bit at her response.
It's then he asks, "Do you trust Remus Lupin?"
And she looks at me, eyes watery and cheeks splotchy. On her face is the truth. The saddest truth; I'm in love with something that can never be how it once was again.
Sometimes, when I've run through every single thought in my head, I think about how Cordelia has never heard me speak the words, I love you. And I don't think she'll ever give me the chance. For better or worse, I don't know.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
"No, and I never truly have." she whispers.
Who do you blame when you've broken your own heart?
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song: A Different Age by Current Joys
Aw Remus :(