Have you ever seen a mountain crumble? Their fall is always so massive and impactful, so visible and grand, but for it to come to that moment of total collapse, every mountain goes through a silent process of erosion. The earth is eaten from the inside, gradually, losing essential things that keep the crust of the surface standing seemingly strong. You could never know just by a simple look, what's going on under the hard surface of the land. Just like you will never know what goes on, behind the eyes of a human being, that flashes you a smile.
How much of his essentials inside were decaying? How close was he to a grand and massive breakdown? Just like nature itself, humans were always capable of hiding things behind a surface and sure Jimin was a master at it, however for some unknown reason, as he stood seated on your couch, listening to DongMin and you arguing, he caught himself so close to the edge of losing control and allowing his pain surface.
Words sure should not be something to get to him, but maybe because they came from someone he considered a friend, such as DongMin was, their previous short conversation, had left a bitterness inside him, that kept dripping into his chest, despite the fact that minutes had passed.
Did he truly come off as someone heartless? Did he really seem like someone who played with others and love itself and why does that thought make him feel slightly offended? Obviously, it was because if someone had ever played with his feelings so far in love, that has always been the partner he had across him. In every try he had done, he had always gone in with sincere intentions and gotten out of it slightly burned, but at that very moment, he couldn't help but realize that he was evident to be blamed. Maybe not because of the same reason his manager thought, but simply because he chose to be blind and start relationships he deep down knew that would fail him.
Most likely such was the case with you too. You were a good person and someone he had found himself sympathising with, but he was fully aware that if he was to start anything other than a friendship, it would fail simply because he was destined for it. The collision between his hopes for love and reality, felt like it bruised his heart, causing him to be sadder than he should appear. What excuse was he to have after all, if anyone was to question him, why was he down all of a sudden.
"How is it my fault that you got out of your apartment without wearing shoes? No normal person runs after someone after seeing some files on a table. What kind of thief leaves things instead of taking them?" DongMin reasoned against your accusation that he caused you to run like that and dirty your socks as well as get your feet freezing.
"I just woke up okay? You can't question my logic, you should be thankful I reacted, to begin with. And how the heck did you got onto my house? Did you steal my keys?" You went off, making him present you his fully offended facial expression before he explained that he found the door open.
"You are the one who is being irresponsible. Having a star in your house and not even locking properly. You are putting him in danger!"
"Look who is speaking. The one who was trying to act behind his back!"
"It was not like that!!"
"Can you both cut it out!" Jimin found himself finally snapping, as the more your voices echoed around, the more he was feeling like he was losing oxygen.
Both you and DongMin fell quiet and looked his way, slightly feeling bad as you both scratched your heads while looking around the room.
"Go pack my bag and gather the scripts so brought over. I will pass the remaining two days I have of my break at my house." His words made you snap your attention at him, a look of confusion all over your face, as you didn't understand why was he taking such a decision suddenly when you hadn't done anything.
"What? But why? Weren't you just fine here?"
"I am in a better condition and I don't need anyone to guard me anymore. Plus soon I will be getting back to work. There's no reason for me to inconvenience you any longer." His proper reply, left you unable to say anything back for if you did it would look like a complaint or like you wanted to keep him there, but you had no reason to want him to stay. Even though strangely enough, you felt like you did.
After Jimin and DongMin had brief eye contact, he went on to do as he asked of him, while Jimin just flashed you a smile, before thanking you for welcoming him into your apartment for these past few days.
"Make sure you get some rest and don't get involved in anything dangerous without informing me. As long as you work for me, you are my responsibility. I text you when I get a set location of the new project that I will choose." His words even though nothing out of what he could say, somehow felt colder than usual. It made him seem proper and a bit distant, just like he was when you had first met him.
"DongMin-ah, I will be waiting in the van." He looked past his shoulder and informed his manager, wanting to get out of there and so he did with a smile and a small wave that he gave to you, but instead of reassuring you, as he intended, he only made you more suspicious of him, for he felt off.
"Did you say anything that you shouldn't have said to him?" You walked to the frame of your bedroom door, questioning DongMin for he and Jimin sure had taken a while to return back from the parking lot earlier and if you were to take into consideration Jimin's behaviour after that, DongMin was the only cause you could conclude on to be at fault.
"Why does it always have to be my fault? He is human, he just needs his alone time." He replied without looking at you, knowing well that the reason Jimin asked to leave earlier than planned originally, was simply because of what he had implied. He was leaving to put his mind at ease and prove to him that he wasn't making any moves on you, and even though DongMin had no chance to speak of it yet, he appreciated that move of his.
It felt like Jimin was being considerate of his messed up feelings and had chosen to understand him, instead of just calling him absurd. He, in a matter of minutes, had shut down any reason for him to think of anything like that, just as he had previously reassured him. He was not trying to make a move on you and this instant retreat of his made DongMin feel valued by him but also it made him feel guilty.
"I don't doubt that, but still...anyway, you better get your act together. I won't tolerate this behaviour twice." You threatened him and he picked up Jimin's bag, as he turned to face you.
"What do you mean?"
"I am not stupid. I understood really well that the only reason you made that phone call today was that you got triggered. And I am here to tell you that this is the last time, I will tolerate you acting impulsively over feelings you have no right to be feeling. You can burn in silence as much as you like, I don't give a fuck. But dare once more to take harmful actions towards anyone just because they are involved with me and you don't like it, and I give you my word, I won't hesitate even for a minute, to take you down." You stood tall in his way, your eyes spitting fire as you spoke, anger and hate emitting from you, enough to make him feel a tight grip on his neck.
In all his life, he couldn't recall a time when you had cursed or spoken so strongly to him. He couldn't recall a moment you so bluntly had threatened anyone nor he could recall, the sense of fear you so clearly implanted on him, so simple yet so strongly. For just by looking in your eyes, he was certain that you meant your words. He was sure that despite your beliefs and morals towards the secrets you were to find, you would step over all of them if it was to destroy him. If he was to be asked if he would ever harm anyone, he would never say yes, but if that someone was him, for the first time in his life he came to the realization, that he would definitely try. Simply because every time you have claimed to hate him, you meant it, unlike what he was to tell himself.
He was to lie if he was to say that the realisation did not make him feel bitter, but he was aware he deserved it. He was aware that he earned that hate so he left his eyes to lower on the floor, before he bowed his head to you, leaving an apology to escape his lips.
"This will be the last time. Never again. I promise. No matter what...I will stay in my line from now on." He gave you his words and you stepped aside to allow him to leave, having accepted his words as a fact but simultaneously having made it clear that he had no choice but to keep that word of his.
---Time skip---
Like sand slipping from the cracks of the fingers, felt the paper he was holding in his palms, his eyes -after many hours that he has been scrolling through from script to script- getting pinned with instant interest at some simple word, while the rest of the pages, like magic, decayed before his eyes, leaving on his focus only that.
A sentence so small, so clean, so normal and unimportant in comparison to everything that was going on in the scene he was reading, but it snapped him by the head and got him in an invisible grip. Like a black hole sucked him in, sending his bored out thoughts to wonderland.
Jimin had spent quite some hours of his looking through the pile of scripts that DongMin had left for him after they had returned to his apartment and he had filled him in, on their next movements and how he should participate in a new acting project, immediately after his break was to be over, which was two days far to happen. Two days that he should have been resting a bit more properly but rest was never his thing and even on those past days that he had a free schedule, his life never gave him a break. The occurrence was not unusual however and he knew that he was also responsible for not resting, but how could he keep back the urge to read all those scripts?
He was an actor but he was also someone who craved stories, for unravelling characters and situations and most importantly, for getting to see feelings, in ways he possibly had not had the chance to yet in his life. Despite that, however, he sure was not easy to impress. He chose his roles like looking at puzzle pieces. If he was to find something that he lacks in a character emotionally and he would like to know how it is, then he would grab that role and do his best to embody it. Such was the moment he was feeling at that instant, for he had found that one character, even though, it was not the one suggested to him.
The name of the first lead was highlighted for him yet he was uninterested in that character until he read that one line of his. The line which turned that character from a hero to an anti-hero in his eyes. So simple that it could have passed unnoticed to everyone else but him. "Almost there"
Two words that leave someone to think nothing more but of someone trying to reach something, accomplish and aim, so close yet so far to their dream. That hopeful state, in Jimin's eyes, cast a shadow at that character's feet. A shadow so black and notable for that sentence showed how much he wanted that something, how much he was trying and how easy it would be to break him, by simply taking that something he was yearning for, away from him.
It made him see that character as someone who was good, simply because he wasn't challenged. He was good because he never was faced with enough struggle to tempt his nature. He was good, simply because he had not gone through any situation that could possibly prove him otherwise and that in itself, made Jimin think of that character as a fool. A desperate person who ignores who he truly was, simply because he wanted to be good. In his head, he proceeded to imagine the struggle such a person could feel. Dressed in the clothes of a ship, a wolf that denies its existence, eating grass happily, simply because no meat has ever laid in from of his nostrils and the smell of the flesh, never swayed his natural instincts. As a sleeping beast, the man appeared in his imagination, making him feel almost eager of seeing him break. Seeing him realize who he really is.
He flipped through the pages with such hope for that character development and skimmed towards the end of the pages, simply to find out what his choice was gonna be. Will he choose to do good, even after knowing that he is capable of doing harm? Would that character consciously choose to be kind, even if the moments that he felt like being cruel existed? Upon reading a few lines, Jimin got his answer and that was all it took, for him to decide to take on that role.
With a smile on his face, he started putting aside the rest of the files and placed the one he chose on the side of his desk to seclude it, only to knock down another file he had not opened yet, absentmindedly. His eyes shot towards it on the floor only to read a bold line at one of the pages that the file had opened randomly. A line that filled him with sadness, almost instantly because it made him recall, what he had been trying to avoid from thinking about, from the moment he had stepped out of your apartment.
"Are you sure that I can't be loved?" He murmured the line out loud as he reached out and grabbed the script, flipping it to see the title only for him to realize that the title itself was the answer. "Monster"
The noun felt so personal that it brought a smile to his lips, just as he left his head to fall back and rest on his chair, observing the ceiling that started caging him. It was plain white, yet to him, it felt like it was turning grey, the atmosphere around him whispering to him words that made him bleed. 'Monster' 'Monster' 'That's what you are' 'A Monster' 'Unloved' 'Rotten'
Those voices made his smile fade as he allowed his sadness to surface in his eyes. Along with a broken whisper that erupted from within. A grievance straight out of his soul. "Why me?"
Who could give him a reason, who could give him a reply to that question? For he could not deny that he was indeed a monster but he never really understood, why of all people, why did it have to be him the one to be that.
"You make me feel like a villain, hoping for a happy ending. How much more delusional do I have to get, to truly believe that I got a chance?" He spoke to no one in particular as his eyes got filled with tears and he closed them while he gulped down his saliva harshly, trying to control himself from crying. Trying to silence the pain of the claws that ripped inside his heart a bit more.
"Whatever I did to deserve this, whoever was that I hurt...I hope you know, I repent with all I have...When, just when will it be enough...I really don't want to be...impossible to love. I don't want to be...a Monster." He admitted as his tears escaped down his cheeks, making him put back a smile on his lips, despite the fact that he was alone and he had no one to hide from. There was no reason to pretend, yet he did as he always did, simply because he himself was not ready to see the ruins he was holding within.
He wasn't ready to face how many broken pieces he had yet to find the strength and fix. Nor he was ready to admit, that no matter what he tried to create with his pieces, his essence could never change. No matter how much he lies, how much he hopes deep inside, he was hurting because he knew. There was nothing he could turn himself to, that could change his fate.
Once a Monster always a Monster.
---To be continued...