The next morning Rick got up to shower and start the day alittle earlier than usual but he waited until it was about 6:30 before he went to give Lesley her morning medication and leaned beside Lesley to see if she needed anything else
" Is there anything I can get you Darling?" Rick whispered when Lesley started to wake up
" No i'm okay I think i'm going to maybe try to get a shower and maybe come downstairs are the kids up?" Lesley replied softly and looked over up at Rick
" Genesis and Jesslyn have left for school and Riley was still asleep when I checked on him his fever is starting to go down.... So right now I just want to see how you're doing... and if you need anything besides your medication" Rick sat down on the bed beside Lesley
" I'm hanging in there... Rick, I'm so sorry...." Lesley held on to Rick's hand
" What about this time... Lesley you have nothing to be sorry for"
" For keeping this from you again.... For not allowing Jessie to help me tell you how bad it was right away… I shouldn't have kept things from you again like this" Lesley fought not to cry
" Lesley please look at me, sweetheart don't ever be sorry... My job is to take care of you and I have to tell you I didn't do my job like I thought I was doing... It breaks my heart that you chose to suffer, but I'm not gonna just let you go through this alone... I'm with you all the way and every step of it because Lesley there is nowhere else I'd rather be than to be right by your side." Rick hugged Lesley and gave her a kiss on her forehead.
" Would you like me to help you with getting a shower before the morning and day nurse comes.?” Rick asked and moved to help her when she nodded
Lesley eased up carefully and made her way to the bathroom with Rick's help to get a shower hoping to take it easy in spite of not feeling well
“ I think I'm gonna be sick…” Lesley started coughing more when trying to reach to the side in the sink.
" Everything's gonna be okay Lesley, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere.” Rick held Lesley close to him just before she started vomiting more
" What can I do for you sweetheart...” Rick asked softly in her ear before he moved to help her get cleaned up.
Rick helped Lesley get a shower in spite that she felt like she was suffocating. “ I'm gonna get you all soaked.”
“ And that's okay because right now I have to take care of my little bug… Right now you need me and this is where I need to be. Right by your side.”
It didn't take Rick too long to help Lesley dry off and to get dressed into something comfortable but shortly helped her to go back to the bathroom when she felt like she was gonna be vomiting again
" What else can I do for you sweetheart.... There's got to be anything that I can do to help you feel better.” Rick asked while he helped her to get into something comfortable on before he carried her to lay down for alittle while.
" I just want to be with you.... Could you stay with me alittle while?”
Now Rick couldn't help but slightly laugh when he looked down at Lesley. “ Is that supposed to be a difficult question? Of course I'll stay with you sweetheart, how could I say no...? That little bug... That would be the hardest thing you could expect or ask me to do. I would never be able to say No to you.” Rick stood up carefully with Lesley and carried her to bed and laid with her for awhile after reaching for her respirator mask before Jessie and the other hospice care nurse was to arrive to help with whatever Lesley needed.
" Les.... Are you comfortable enough?" Rick whispered to her ear
" I'm okay... I just wanna be with you, please stay with me..." Lesley replied quietly
" That's one thing my bug you will never be without... Shhh just rest." Rick smiled and gave Lesley a kiss.
" I'm going to talk with Jessie and the nurse, okay? If you need something or you feel like you need to make a b-line for the bathroom, you just shout out for us the best way you can... Don't try to go by yourself, you've had enough trouble as it is this morning and I don't want you to feel like you have to prove anything.” Rick said gently and kissed her on her forehead again before he stepped into the hallway to talk to Jessie and the nurse...
Jessie could tell just by the look on Rick's face that things started to really show after everything stopped, even then she didn't want to admit it to herself that Lesley wasn't doing good. " How's Lesley this morning?” She asked even though she could already see what his answer was going to be
" She's trying but she's really not doing good.... She's up off and on vomiting more than usual. I can't get her to eat much of anything at all now she's started to have more trouble with walking to the point that she's back to being confined to the chair.... I hate it. I wish I could help her." Rick said
" Rick I know how you feel, believe me I know.... No matter how hard the situation is or how sick Lesley is becoming there's only one thing Rick that means to her... That's you. Seeing you when she wakes up or just laying in your arms that is what means the world to her.” Jessie paused to take a minute then she continued
" Lesley knew it was gonna devastate you when she chose to discontinue everything and she knew it was gonna be difficult on you to see her going into hospice care, but what she most looked at when making her choices, Rick, was that all she wanted to have with all the time she would have left... She just wants to be with you.”
Lesley wanted to call out for Rick but she also wanted to try as best as she could to hold onto her independence before she would have to become a complete dependent... Holding onto the side table to get into the chair in spite of the nausea and the faint feeling she had of feeling lightheaded, Lesley tried to make it by herself to use the bathroom but took a fall just beside her chair that was loud enough for Rick and Jessie to come in when she slightly cut her arm.
“ Lesley I'm right here it's ok..... Easy.... Take my hand and lean on me....” Rick said as he was helping her back onto the bed “ I thought you were gonna call me if you needed to go sweetheart..” Rick added gently
"I.... I'm s-s.... I'm sorry.... I thought I could do it I thought if i could just hold on to the side or the wall I'd be ok.....” Lesley started to cry at the realization that she was starting to lose some of her independence with alot of things
" Lesley don't be sorry for anything, what's important is you're not going through this alone Jessie and I are right here every step of the way right by your side. Everything sweetheart is okay.” Rick said gently as he set her back onto the bed and took care of the cut on her arm while the nurse was taking her blood pressure.
" Jessie and the nurse are gonna have a bath set up for you to help you relax… everything's gonna be okay.” Rick nodded towards Jessie and the hospice nurse as he kept Lesley close.
Jessie ran the water in the tub on low heat while Rick and the other nurse helped her to ease out of her clothes. “ Easy sweetheart... It's okay.” he softly whispered
" I don't wa-want... I don't want to do this.... I wish it was o..ov-over I wish it would go aw-away.” Lesley leaned into Rick's arms in spite of the pain
" I know sweetheart, but it'll all be okay and you're gonna be okay little bug...” Rick whispered and helped Lesley to take off her pajama top.
Rick carried her to the bathroom where Jessie had a bath ready for her to help her relax. " you have Jessie or the nurse come get me when you're ready, i'll be right outside maybe afterwards if you'd like... Jessie and I could set up something with a few friends here at the house... Would that help you feel better?”
" Please R-Rick please don't leave me, I need you.”
" Jessie, would you give us a few minutes...” Rick asked
" Lesley sweetheart I'm right here... I don't ever think I could leave you..”
" I feel like I'm slowly suffocating..” Lesley gripped on Rick's hand while trying to control the coughing.
" I wish there was a way that I can help you get better Les, I hate it that you're going through this and it later kills me that I can't trade places with you ” Rick said just before he stepped out to let Jessie and the other nurse attend to Lesley.
Rick left Jessie with Lesley as he knew she was ok and he went downstairs to get something to eat and he was gonna make tea for Lesley. When Rick stepped out of the kitchen he couldn't help but notice something that he didn't ever see before.
" I hate this Jessie. I hate it that Rick has to see me this way... It's not fair on him with everything he's ever done for me in my life. How could I do this to him? How could I put him through all of this heartache?" Lesley said while looking towards Jessie.
" Lesley, as hard as it is with what you're going through, Rick would rather be beaten than to not be here... The only thing that matters to him is you and it isn't gonna change..... Just like I wouldn't go anywhere either... You were there when I needed a friend and you've been my dearest friend for more than 49 years. That's something I will hold on to for the rest of my life....." Jessie exclaimed
" I can't thank you enough.... Jessie you've done so much for me ever since I met you......"
" And I'm gonna keep doing that Lesley because you're very special to me, almost more than you are to Rick. You're like a daughter to me, you're not just a friend or a colleague....." Jessie said as she ran the shower head gently over Lesley's back
Jessie grabbed a towel from the side area of the room and helped Lesley ease from the tub when she called out to Rick and he decided to carry her over to the bed where he helped her get dressed and to relax
“ does that help you feel alittle better?” Rick asked while he was gently rubbing Lesley's back.
“ I wish you didn't have to do this...”
~~~
Over the next couple of weeks on May 9th, Rick took a leave of absence from the hospital to be home as much as possible as he didn't want to be far away from Lesley for whatever reason when she started to have more difficulty at nights and started to have more trouble during the day. Rick finally brought in further respiratory assistance to help Lesley the best he could.
" Lesley..... Can you hear me?.... Les... Sweetheart."
Lesley, nodded and held a weak grip to Rick's hand when he sat right there along her bedside. " I'm right here.... I'm right by your side."
" I lo-love you R-Rick..." Lesley barely got out in a whisper as she started to go in and out of consciousness
Rick pulled up the blanket slightly so Lesley could sleep more easily but he refused to leave her side while she had become so sick in less than a month since she was last brought home from the hospital not counting that Lesley now was starting to lose her ability to hold even just a grip when trying to hold anything including when Rick goes to hold her hand.
" Steve and Audrey are gonna come by, Steve thought maybe Lesley should have a couple minutes or so to see a couple visitors if she feels up to it... I told I would call him back with the green light if Lesley wants to.” Jessie said gently but softly enough for only Rick to be able to hear.
" I really appreciate everything from you Jessie, I don't think I would be able to repay you for everything that you've set out to do for Lesley.... Could you or Carol get an IV started? I want Lesley to be as comfortable as possible. And call and tell Steve that it's alright if they want to come by.”
Jessie gave Rick a hug and tried once again to get it registered that she wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else other than to be right where she was if Lesley or him were to need anything. " I'll be right back.”
" Jessie… Start giving friends and that a call and see if everyone wants to start coming by to see her… I think that would be a good thing for her to see her friends again. Just remind them if they're not feeling well to wait to come by.” Rick suggested before moving to pick up around the bedroom.
Hoping Lesley would rest, Rick unplugged the phone so it wouldn't upset her and moved to just lay beside her to spend the time with her as much as possible.
After a few hours Rick had gone downstairs to get a couple of things for Lesley, while Lesley wanted to try again to make it on her own for the bathroom but was afraid she wouldn't be able to do after she fell the last time she tried and she knew Rick would come running when she needed him but she started to think to herself ''Rick shouldn't see me like this, it's not fair to him with all he ever did for me in my life'' Lesley pushed herself to try to sit up the best she could with the nurse's help to do a few things that she planned to leave behind for the few of the people she loved the most...
After about an hour, Rick decided to stay by Lesley's side " Les, what is it that I can do for you... How can I help you feel better or more comfortable?"
" I ju-just need you...." Lesley got out quietly in spite of the pain...
" Well I'm not going anywhere I'm gonna be right here right by your side every step of the way…” Rick replied and pulled Lesley close to his side after giving her alittle of her pain medication
" I'm sorry..." Lesley said in a whisper
" Of what now.... There's nothing for you to be sorry for Les... Everything is okay, you're in a safe place and there's nothing that will ever change that. You are loved and you always will be" Rick replied
" Rick I'm sorry I've had to put you through this.... It's not fair to you... to have to see me this way and then have to sit here just to watch as I….” Lesley started to cry
" Lesley don't ever be sorry, not for anything that promise I made to you and myself nearly 41 years ago has never changed. I'd give anything Les, anything to trade places with you especially because you have so much still ahead for your life.... Anything I do now or that I've done in the past Lesley it's all for you aside from the girls and Riley.... So don't ever be sorry for anything... There's nothing I would never do for you. I have to be here… I can't turn you away..” Rick pointed out.
Lesley slipped out of consciousness so Rick took some of the time to maybe find something to get for Lesley while she got some rest but checked her oxygen respirator and her IV before stepping out into the hall.
" She's become so fragile Jessie.... I don't think that I can stand it.. I hate that she has to suffer and we can't help her... she has lost so much weight and I dont think I've ever seen somebody this frail with the way she's become….” Rick said while the hospice nurse was taking her blood pressure again as usual
" Rick, I want you to stop blaming yourself... Lesley is hanging in there and she needs you... Blaming yourself is not gonna help either one of you most especially Lesley. It's not gonna be easy Rick I know that it's tough, but you can do it... You can do it for Lesley." Jessie bit out
" I know you're right Jessie.... It just isn't that easy to have to just sit by while she suffers like this..."
" Believe me Rick I know it's not easy but it will make a difference Rick because we're both there every step of the way and she is not left alone." Jessie replied.
" It just kills me Jessie... For her to suffer like this and I can't do anything to help her." Rick got out
" Rick, it's not easy but I don't think I could trade anything because for me Rick I would find it as an honor to have stood by Lesley right up to the very end especially, when she was there for me.... She needs us to be strong right now for her. We will talk about this after Steve and Audrey go to leave... "
Jessie went to answer the door for Steve and Audrey while Rick had gone upstairs to check on Lesley
" Hi Steve... Audrey..." Jessie said
" How's Lesley given the circumstances?" Steve asked
" She's putting up a fight but Steve it's not good. She's lost so much weight and she's stopped eating all together... She's started to have more trouble with her breathing in spite of the respiratory assistance. she's really begun to weaken... Since Dr Richards removed the feeding tube officially a month and a half ago and we stopped her medical care and hospice took over." Jessie filled Steve in.
" It's a shame because Lesley has always been a survivor and a strong fighter too" Audrey replied
" Is Rick with Lesley upstairs?" Steve asked
" Yeah he and the nurse from hospice care are up with her to see if she needs anything before I sit him down again and talk to him about something I've told him slightly before about.... If you'd like to see her you can head up."
Audrey went up first to spend a few minutes with Lesley at a time.
“ I really worry about him, Steve…. Rick is carrying all this blame that he's not able to help Lesley.”
“ I don't suppose that it will be easy for any of us to try to come to terms with this situation. Lesley was always a compassionate doctor on our staff.”
" It's alright Audrey she's been looking forward to seeing you for alittle while" Rick gestured towards Audrey
" Lesley... Les, sweetheart.." Rick gently rubbed on her hand. "Audrey is here, she came to see you..." Rick said to her softly when Lesley started to slightly wake up.
" I'll give you some time before the nurse gives her more of her pain medication..." Rick whispered
" If she's resting I don't want to wake her" Audrey replied
" Aud-Audrey it's alright.... I was just thinking about asking R-Rick to have you come by al-alittle whi-while ago" Lesley replied while Rick helped her to sit up alittle more
" I'll just let you girls talk for alittle while... Les... I'll be right outside okay? If you need anything let Audrey know and she'll come to get me" Rick leaned close and kissed Lesley on her forehead and made sure her oxygen was working right.
Rick stepped out to check himself before heading downstairs.
" Rick, is there anything that I can do?"
" Any chance you could have a miracle in your pocket you could pull out Steve? She's not doing good, she's slipping further and further from me…" Rick stood by the window
" Jessie was just filling me in on her condition… I wish I had a miracle for you Rick."
" Lesley's had so much to happen to her some of it wasn't bad but she's gone from losing Laura and having to adjust to her injuries that almost left her permanently paralyzed of course the twins were born a year after that and that was one of her proudest moments…."
" Lesley has always been quite the fighter over the years." Steve commented
“ Nothing I do this time will help her. Nothing I do is gonna save her life. I feel like she’s slowly slipping from me and I can’t keep her within my reach.” Rick admitted while moving to sit on the couch
“ Rick, you have been there through some of the worst of things with her from the beginning and she knows that even when it may seem like she can’t hear you or feel when you’re there, she knows it. That Rick is what Lesley is gonna value the most right up to the end.” Steve said just as Gail, Bobbi and Ruby had gotten to the house.
“ I’ll get that Rick. you just take an easy.” Jessie said and answered the door
“ Hi Jessie, how is Lesley?” Gail asked right then.
“ She’s not good but she’s hanging in there like the stubborn fighter she’s always been but it's not gonna be much more before she'll pass away she can almost hardly communicate or do anything without assistance..”
“ Lee wanted to come with me but he got caught later than expected in court. But he said adamantly that he sends his love and he sends his prayers for Lesley.” Gail replied “ Luke and Robert they send their love and so does Tiffany.” Bobbi and Ruby chimed in later as a few more friends started to come by.