Firecrackers started exploding in the dark sky.
I decided that watching fireworks seems more interesting rather than mourning alone at home about my ex-boyfriend. I can't do anything about it so why miss this beautiful night.
I was sitting on a grass meadow down the field where the festival was organized. It's a perfect place to watch, away from the crowd. There's also a small lake in front. Our city is quite beautiful.
I took a long breath and released it. What am I thinking? It feels so lonely here. Let's just run my brain about the murder case. Church. It's the only thing that pops up whenever I think about it. The lady used to go to the Central City Cathedral frequently, I saw the murderer in the same church. What was he doing there? Asking for forgiveness from God? Bullshit! He killed her for no reason. He didn't steal anything from her nor abuse her physically. And whose permission he needed? Is there a gang leader? Something big is happening away from the sight of citizens. Why am I sensing there's gonna be another murder soon?
Suddenly, a hand landed on my shoulder.
"Joshua?" He sat beside me. "What happened?" He smiled and gave me ice cream. "Oh, thanks, were you getting bored with them?" He scrunched his nose and nodded. I laughed. I didn't know he could read faces. He came back to cheer me up not 'cause he was bored.
He pointed at the sky, a pink firecracker blasted and made a flower shape. After that, a streak of them was released, producing loud whistling sounds, and brightening the sky. Joshua put his head on my shoulder and was watching them mesmerizingly. I looked at him. Colorful dazzling lights were reflecting in his black eyes, so deep to drown me in them. I won't be tired looking at his face all night. Wait—
It can be Joshua! God, no! He could be their next target. He witnessed the murder, what could be a better reason than that? The murderer was standing outside his door with a knife that day. He didn't kill him first 'cause he needed permission but if he came again with a knife it means he's been granted. No! No! It's not good! It's not good at all. I need to make a plan to protect him and keep him in front of my eyes all the time.
Joshua tugged on my shirt and raised his eyebrows. "Uh, n-nothing," I almost zoned out.
He put a hand in his pocket and took out some firecrackers.
"Where'd you get 'em?" I asked. He gave me a suspicious toothy smile. His pocket was like a magician's hat. He was placing them on the ground one by one, there were sparklers, rockets, aerial comets, and a lighter.
"You know I can charge you for carrying explosions with you," I said. He blew raspberries at me and went to fire an aerial comet.
The way he's holding the lighter, he'll burn his hand instead of the cracker. I stood up and took it from his hand, "I'll do it. You just watch," I lit its tail, and took some steps back, in some seconds, it flew above like a snake, making a shrieking noise, and boom! exploded in the sky. Joshua was clapping and jumping in excitement, giggling his heart out.
Aw, he looks so happy.
We started firing all the fireworks that he brought I don't know from where. In the end, only sparklers were remaining. We sat together at the bank of the lake, holding one in each hand. Its flickering sparks look so captivating.
"Let's go back," I said standing up and reaching my hand to him. He shook his head. I glanced at my wristwatch, "It's eleven o'clock. C'mon, get up quickly,"
He displeasingly got up but was pleased when I bought him gummy bear candies. Just give him something delicious to eat and he wags his tail like a puppy. And you know what, he finished all of them along the way.
After reaching home, we washed up separately and he changed into my oversized clothes from that ridiculous hanbok. First of all, where'd he got that from? There's no hanbok in my wardrobe. Then again, whatever.
He stretched his limbs and plopped on the bed on his back, hanging his feet down. I lay down next to him. He yawned and closed his eyes. I chuckled. Little guy had a big day.
"Did you have fun?" I asked. He turned on his side to face me, then smiled with closed eyes and nodded. I stared at him for a few moments, I don't know what came to my mind, thoughtlessly I shifted, leaned, and kissed him on the lips.
Realization always strikes after action. He was looking at me surprised with an open mouth. But I was more perplexed than him at what I did.
I sat up straight, "I...uh, it's- it's not what you think, actually yes it is, no-no I mean, it was an impulse and I just-" I exhaled sharply, I can't do it. "I'm sorry, I made it awkward, didn't I? You should sleep, you must be tired. I will sleep outside tonight," I went out of the room and lay on the sofa burying my face in the cushion.
What the actual fuck, Jeonghan! It's happening the second time. Didn't you learn from that day not to kiss him? Ex-partners don't kiss each other. Why can't you control yourself, you dumbass? Now most probably he'll leave tomorrow, and here I was thinking of his protection when I can't even protect him from myself. He won't like me anymore, I shackled our little friendship. Fuck, why am I crying now? I never cry. It's not that big of a deal, he'll forgive me as always. Just stop crying, you moron!
Abruptly, I felt a touch on my head. "Please, go, Joshua," I said without looking at him.
He tapped on my arm.
"I said go, I don't wanna hurt you,"
He didn't leave and started shaking my shoulder.
"Just go from here,"
He forcefully removed the cushion.
"What?!" I sat straight and glared at him. "You wanna see me cry? Just look at my face. Yes! I'm crying! Oh heavens, why?" I held my head.
He was looking at me worriedly which was making me want to cry more. I looked down at my feet. Gosh, is there a button or something to stop it?
He sat beside me and held my face in his hands, meeting my eyes. He wiped away my tears and mouthed the words, 'What's wrong?'.
"I love you!" I blurted. I couldn't keep hiding it from him anymore.
He blinked intermittently.
"I love you so much, Joshua, I can't help it. I can't get you out of my head. All I keep thinking about is you! You'll think it's so possessive of me but seeing you with some other guy aches my heart. I want you to be with me and me only. But I know I shouldn't control you and-" I couldn't finish when I was cut off by a soft pair of lips pressing against mine, making my eyes wide in shock.
He broke away shortly and stared at me with a small smile.
"You don't— You don't have to ...-k-kiss me out of sympathy," I stammered, he furrowed his brows, "I know you... you like Seungcheol and maybe he likes you back. Though he's my sworn enemy, he's a good guy from the heart. And seeing you happy is all I want. But please don't forget me when you become his boyfriend-" Joshua slapped my cheek lightly, "Hey! I didn't finish yet," He slapped again, a little harder this time. "Ow, it hurts!"
His face was stern. "What?" He sighed heavily and showed me a fist. "Are you gonna punch me now?"
Hesitatingly, he lifted his little finger, then index finger, extended his thumb, and pointed at me. It's the only proper sign language he knows and I guess the whole world knows what it means.
"You... love me?"
He nodded his head, and mouthed the words which read like, 'Yes stupid'.
"Did you just call me stupid?"
He pursed his lips and shook his head. "Wait, then—you're not interested in Seungcheol?"
He gave a head shake and again some voiceless words, 'No, you idiot'.
"Did you call me an idiot now?"
He suppressed his smile and denied me.
"But why did you..." I spoke slowly, "...refuse to kiss me the other day? Just because I'm not your boyfriend now, I mean, that's a pretty reasonable answer, but still, it-it made me sad,"
He sighed, licked his lips, and then after a second, slapped me again. "What the— Can you stop hitting me? It actually hurts,"
He signaled at his head, nose, and throat, then showed a thumb down, raising his eyebrows, enunciating some phrases.
I understood, "Oh right, you were sick that day,"
A nod.
"—and... probably didn't want me to catch a cold?"
Nod again.
So, I was living in a misunderstanding till now. He didn't kiss me 'cause he was sick not 'cause he didn't want me to. I took the cushion and slammed my face in it. I really am stupid. He tapped on my head. I looked up. He gestured 'what happened'.
"Nothing. I just realized how dumb I am,"
He chuckled.
I stared at him, then leaned forward, and captured his lips in mine. He was a bit baffled at the sudden action but later put his hand behind my neck, I pulled him even closer making him sit in my lap, kissing him rather passionately.
I know I've kissed him hundreds of times before, but this one feels different, a good different, like the very first time I kissed him. His lips are also the same, as soft as always, and mmh... the sweet and sour taste of gummy bears.
We kissed all night and then slept together on the sofa. But this made me more confused. What are we now? Friends? Boyfriends? Exes?
Well, it's the future Jeonghan's problem.
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