***Luka’s POV***
I desperately held the stuffed cat Connor had brought me the other day. I could barely breathe, and it felt like the shattered pieces of my heart were cutting me up inside.
“Connor,” I choked out, trying hard not to cry.
I just couldn’t believe he had cheated on me and lied to me. How could he do that to me? I had trusted him and Blake, and they had gone and fucked behind my back.
Why had Connor done it, though? Had I not been good enough for him? Or did it have something to do with his parents?
“Oh my god,” I moaned, tears starting to leak down my face yet again.
What if it was my fault? His parents had been neglecting and abusing him ever since he had come out as gay, and I hadn’t even known. What if he got so lonely and desperate for love that he had turned to Blake for it?
Why hadn’t I realized what was happening to Connor? He must have been so desperate and in so much pain all this time, and none of us had known. He had only come out to his parents so that we could have an open relationship.
But…he had cheated on me and lied to me about it.
I found myself sobbing violently again. I buried my face in my pillow so that my mom and dad wouldn’t hear me. They had gotten home just a few short minutes after I had kicked Blake and Connor out of the house.
I heard the doorbell ring and prayed it wasn’t Connor or Blake. I didn’t want to see either one of them right now.
There was a knock on my bedroom door. I ignored it, wishing I had locked my bedroom door. I just couldn’t stand to see Connor or Blake right now.
The door opened. “Hey Luka, I left my phone here. I drove here to get it and- Luka!” Felix cried in alarm, hurrying over to me.
I picked my head up and looked at him. They had told me that Felix hadn’t known. So they had been lying to him, too.
“Felix,” I whispered.
“What happened Luka?” he asked, sitting next to me and putting an arm around my shoulders.
“Connor and Blake had sex with each other,” I whimpered and started crying again.
Felix froze. “What? Luka, that can’t be right. They would never do that,” he said in confusion.
I wiped my eyes, trying to get control of myself. “They told me, Felix. Connor’s been having an affair with Blake for a long time.”
“There’s just no way in hell they would ever do that,” he said, his eyes going wide. “Luka, there’s just no way.”
“They told me!” I cried, wiping at my eyes. “They told me, and now…now…now I don’t know what happens! I don’t know what happens to me and Blake, and I especially don’t know what happens to me and Connor!”
Felix hugged me to himself, and I buried my face against his shoulder, glad I had at least one person to rely on. Connor…
I remembered taking him on a camping trip over the summer. We had snuck out in the middle of the night, and made love under the stars and the full moon. I remembered feeling so in love with him, and thinking it was special because I was the only one he had ever given himself to.
But now what? He had been having sex with Blake all along. Lying right to my face about who knew what.
“What am I supposed to do Felix?” I asked, knowing he wouldn’t have the answer.
“I don’t know Luka. I still can’t believe that they would actually…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head sadly. “I just can’t believe it. I thought they were so much better than doing something that low and dishonest.”
I knew Connor meant it when he said he loved me. But why the affair, then? Why did he have to go off and cheat on me? How the hell was I supposed to ever trust him again after this?
Felix stayed with me for a while, us just sitting there in silence, me trying not to break. Once he left, I curled up on my bed, holding the stuffed cat to me.
“Connor,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. “Why did you have to do it Connor?”
***
I walked into school feeling miserable and exhausted. I had barely slept. I had stayed up most of the night wondering about Connor and Blake.
Normally, I loved being at school. I loved learning and seeing all my friends. But now I just felt…empty.
I looked over and felt my heart ache. Connor was sitting alone on a bench, his earphones in. He had a tortured look in his eyes despite his neutral expression.
I dropped my head and began to walk towards the senior hallway to go to my locker. I froze as I felt a hand land on my shoulder.
I slowly turned and looked up into Connor’s eyes. He gulped and pulled his hand away from my shoulder, letting his gaze fall to his feet.
“I know you’re mad at me, and you have every right to hate me. But I just…I just wanted to make sure you were…” He seemed to be struggling with his words. He sighed in defeat. “Fuck it, I know you’re not okay. Luka, I can’t apologize enough. If you want to break off all ties with me and never see me again, I won’t stop you. I deserve it. But I just want you to know how sorry I am about all of this, and how much I love you.”
The honesty in his words had my eyes watering. “Why did you have to do it Connor?” I asked him.
He chewed on his lip nervously, running a hand through his hair. I realized how tired he looked, and how messy his hair was. It looked like he hadn’t even attempted to tame the curls on his head.
“I just needed someone to notice me. I was breaking, and I didn’t want you to see. So I went to Blake instead. He gave me a hug, and it eased the pain a little. That was all it took. Anything to ease the pain and stop feeling invisible. But I don’t want to make excuses, Luka. Nothing can ever justify what I did to you, and what I’m putting you through now. I know what I did, and I know I deserve the consequences. So please do whatever you need to do to me to ease your pain,” he said.
“Dammit Connor,” I whimpered, burying my face against his chest. He wrapped his warm, comforting arms around me, holding me tightly.
I didn’t want to lose Connor. I loved him so much. But I didn’t know what to do anymore. How could I stay with him when I couldn’t even trust him anymore?
I pulled away from his chest and looked up at him. “I can’t just forgive you Connor,” I said. “I can’t. You don’t even know how badly you hurt me. I want to be with you, I really do. But I just can’t trust you anymore.”
“Don’t forgive him, Luka.”
Connor and I both turned to face Blake. Blake was watching us with cold eyes, his hands shoved in his pockets.
“He doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, and neither do I. I know Connor loves you, believe me I know that. But he’s a lying whore. Do you want to know what he told me the night he broke it off with me? He told me he had just used me for sex,” Blake said, hate and pain in his eyes as he glared at Connor.
I pulled out of Connor’s arms, staring between him and Blake, my head pounding. “Shut up Blake. Please. You have no room to talk either,” I said quietly.
“I know I don’t, but I’m going to anyways. Because I thought everything over last night, and I’m damn glad I got my revenge on Connor. I’m glad you’re seeing who he truly is. I’m not glad you’re hurt, though. But you needed to know. Connor’s a filthy liar and a cheater,” Blake said.
Connor stayed silent. I just wanted to hug him and promise him everything would be okay. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he hated himself for what he had done. I could see how disgusted he was with himself.
But he had cheated on me. He lied right to my face. He had broken my heart. How could I ever forgive him for that?
“Connor,” I whimpered, staring at him as my eyes began to water again.
“Please don’t cry,” he said miserably. “Please, Luka. I don’t want to see you cry.”
“Then maybe you should’ve kept your dick in your pants!” I cried. I couldn’t even help how mean I was being. I hated yelling at Connor, but I just couldn’t help it right now. I was so betrayed.
Connor winced and stared at his feet in guilt. “Trust me, I planned on it from now on,” he mumbled.
I looked at Connor, so badly wanting to kiss him and pretend none of this had ever happened. But it had happened, and I couldn’t just play ignorant to it.
“I love you Connor, but I need some time away from you. I need to think,” I said quietly.
“Yea. I understand. I’m so sorry,” he said, his honesty crushing me.
Without another word to either of them, I hurried away. I wiped at my eyes as I went to my locker. I just couldn’t believe that this was happening to me.
I had promised Connor I would never let him be alone, but here I was, abandoning him. Yes, he had made a horrible mistake. But he was only human, and a hurting human at that.
I knew I had every right to be angry at him. I didn’t hate him. I could never hate Connor, no matter what he did. But I hated his actions, and I hated how much it hurt me.
Should I forgive him? Should I talk everything out with him and Blake?
But what about the lost trust? It wouldn’t be so easy for me to trust him anymore. Over time, he might be able to gain a lot of my trust back. But I knew I could never trust him 100 percent again. There would always be that doubt, buried deep down in my mind.
I didn’t want to lose Connor. I loved him so much, and he really did love me and care about me. He had messed up big time, but should I really just let our relationship go like this? When you loved someone, didn’t you fight for them and work to fix things?
I tried to comfort myself with the knowledge that Connor had called the affair off. He had been trying to fix everything. That had to count for something.
“Hey Luka. How are you holding up?” Felix asked, coming over to me and placing a hand on my shoulder.
I leaned against him and he hugged me tightly. I squeezed my eyes shut and hugged him back, wishing this wasn’t happening.
“I don’t know what to do Felix. It hurts my head to think about. Do I forgive Connor?”
Felix sighed sadly. “I don’t know Luka. I’m sorry. You have to make that decision on your own. People will tell you not to, hell even I would, but you have to decide. No one will blame you if you want to cut off ties with both of them. But no matter what you do, I’ll support you.” He gave me a weak smile.
“I’m sorry to drag you into this Felix,” I said sadly.
“Luka, I’m disgusted with what they both did. You didn’t drag me into this. I think they’re both fucking whores and morons for having sex with each other when you and Connor were dating. Blake knew you guys were dating, and Connor pretended he was loyal. They’re both at fault, and I’m ashamed of them” he said, shaking his head.
I began to fight back against my emotions, but gave up and let myself start to cry a little. Connor had fought back against his emotions, and look what had happened to him. But now the biggest question of all plagued my brain.
Should I forgive Connor?
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A.N.- Do you guys think Luka should forgive Connor? D: