Chapter Twenty One: I Know
Staying by his side and the desire to protect him would only make it worse for me. Mas lalo lang akong mahuhulog, samantalang alam ko namang walang sasalo, kahit siya.
And that's how we got into this situation.
"Alexander?"
"Kate...rina..." tawag niya sa'kin habang basang-basa siyang nakatayo sa ulan sa labas ng bahay na'min.
Ang lakas ng ulan kaninang umaga pa, umuulan pa rin kahit tapos na yung klase, mag-dadalawang oras na since natapos yung klase today. So now I'm wondering, what the fuck is he doing here? Sa ganitong oras at panahon?
"Anong ginagawa mo dito...?" tiningnan niya 'ko, nagkatinginan ulet kami sa isa't-isa.
"Gusto... lang kitang makita."
"But..." muntik na 'kong 'di makahinga sa sinagot niya but I know that I had to hold my feelings back.
"...we saw each other, earlier..."
"We just looked at each other, you didn't even smile at me..." he pause, natawa siya.
"Ilang araw mo na rin akong hindi pinapansin, Katerina. Alam mo bang yun ang pinakaunang beses na tiningnan mo 'ko sa mata for a while now?"
"What are you talking about?" alam ko kung anong sinasabi niya, but it's only been a few days! Ano bang pinagsasabi niya? He's acting as if I've been avoiding him for decades!
Pero... lahat ng galit at gulo ay nawawala sa tuwing nakikita ko yung mga mata niya. Maybe, maybe it's because I can never push him away from me so I had to pull myself away from him instead. Ever since elementary, napapansin ko na yung mga mata niya.
It was sad, distant, and cold. So not like him. And when we became close, that's when I start to hate those eyes. Hindi ko narinig ang sinagot niya sa sinabi ko dahil masyado akong nakapocus sa nakaraan at sa mga mata niya, I'm too focused, I'm too into it.
"Rina..."
"Huh?"
"I wanted to see you. I..."
Naramdaman ko ang malakas na pintig sa puso ko. Of course I can't take it if he says it, if he says that he wanted to see me.
"I just... a lot of things happened and all I could think of is to be with someone... I... I don't..."
"Alexander." natigil siya at nabalik ang tingin sa'kin.
"Use your words." huminga siya nang malalim sa sinabi ko bago niya tinapos ang sasabihin niya.
"I don't want to be alone, please."
Ako naman ang huminga nang malalim this time. Tell me, tell me. How could you even reject this guy with such eyes? I can't. Those are the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes I've ever seen, but I hate it whenever it holds so much sadness and loneliness.
I didn't hesitate at pinapasok ko siya. He's lucky that my mom is not here at this time, uuwi naman si mommy mamayang mga gabi pa.
Pinaupo ko siya sa sofa sa may living room na'min malapit sa TV, tumakbo ako papunta sa banyo para kumuha nang malaking tuwalya, I then used the towel to wrap it around him. Mukha siyang naligo sa ulan, sobrang basa yung uniporme niya to the point na kita-kita mo na yung sando niya, tumutulo yung tubig mula sa mukha niya at buhok niya.
"Wala ka bang dinalang payong? Kahit yung sa may supermarket lang malapit sa campus?"
Nakatingin pa rin siya sa'kin pero 'di siya sumagot, umiling siya sa tanong ko. Mahina kong hinampas ang braso niya at punasan ko ang buong mukha niya gamit yung tuwalya, mahaba haba rin kasi yung tuwalya.
"Magkakasakit ka ni'to, Alexander. Paano ka makakalaro nang basketball niyan?"
"Huh... I didn't really think about it."
"Well, you should! Dumbass!" naiirita ako sa kanya.
Now thinking about it, siguradong magkakasakit 'tong lalaking 'to. Even if life is sad, or life tries to bring you down, you should still take care of your body! Baliw siya, baliw talaga siya.
He laughs. 'Di ko namalayan na sobrang lapit pala na'min sa isa't-isa. I didn't really care, mas importante ang lagay niya ngayon kaysa naman yung nararamdaman at pintig ng puso ko.
"I'm sorry." I stopped.
"I'm sorry that... I... I went here... to your house..."
Medyo nagtaka ako kung bakit sa bahay ko pa siya napuntan, natandaan niya talaga kung saan din ako nakatara. How did he even get here? Bus? Taxi? Or personal driver?
"Paano ko naman nakapunta dito? Ang layo kaya nang bahay ko mula sa campus..."
"I drove." natigilan ako sa sinabi niya.
"You... drove? May kotse ka?" tumango siya sa tanong ko.
Of course, I should have expected it. Naririnig ko kay Silas na may kotse na raw yata si Alexander, it was gifted to him by his parents, I think.
Speaking of his parents, baka sila nanaman ang dahilan kung bakit ganito ang itsura niya o bakit siya nagkakaganito. I also have the same issue, but at least buo ang pamilya niya, sira ang pamilya ko at nag-aaway pa rin silang dalawa, kailan pa kaya matatapos 'tong away nila.
"What... happened, exactly?" I ask, softly.
Ayokong ipuwersa ang lahat nang nangyari kaya siya ganito. It's better for him to just let it go, to let it all flow out without forcing anything. Kahit na ilabas niya na lang yung galit niya, yun lang.
"I mean..." pinikit ko muna yung mga ko for a few seconds bago ko ulet binuksan at binalik yun sa kanya.
"...are you okay? You can... talk about it, or maybe you don't want to and you can just... let all your emotions out."
"Emotions... out?"
"Tulad lang nang dati. Sa storage room, you don't have to talk about what happened, just let it out. I'll listen..." I grab his hand and proceed to wrap both of my hands around it.
His hand wasn't warm, it was cold, really cold.
"I'm here, Alexander." our eyes met again and this time, I let out a smile at him as a sign of reassurance na nandito lang ako, nandito ako para sa kanya bilang kaibigan at yun lang, yun lang talaga.
"I... it hurts, Katerina." nawala agad ang ngiti ko at hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya.
"It's the same damn thing and I can't seem to get out of this fucked up cycle, I can't..." he paused again.
Hindi ako nagsalita, nakinig lang ako. E'to ang kailangan, kailangan niya nang nakikinig at hindi kausap. He needs someone to vent to, someone who would be there for him, he's having a hard time, I know.
"Hindi ko na alam... hindi ko na alam. I... I want to tell you because it feels so fucking easy to tell you everything..." my eyebrows furrow from his sudden statement.
"...when it comes to you everything is just so easy but... because of what happened last time... between us, maybe you didn't like it that I talked about my prob--"
"No, no..." I interrupt.
"Alexander." unti-unti kong pinunasan ang mga luha niya habang nakatitig pa rin ako sa kanya.
"You can... tell me... it's just during that time... I just had a bad day." amin ko.
"I don't like talking about my issues with anyone, not even Genevieve but sometimes I do. I should have apologized to you for getting upset at you kahit na gusto mo lang naman akong tulungan..." I smiled again, staring deeply right into his eyes.
"But... but... I shouldn't have done that to you, I thought you hat--"
"No, I don't, Alexander. I promise. I feel happy that you're able to talk about your problems and issues with me, that you trust me. And that is really nice. I'm just not... that kind of person but..."
Pinikit ko ulet ang mga mata ko at binuksan yun. Nakatingin pa rin siya sa'kin, hinihintay ang sunod na sasabihin ko.
"I'm... also in the same position as you." his expression changes.
"May problema rin ako sa pamilya ko, with you... I'm assuming na hindi hiwalay ang mga magulang mo, right?" tumango naman siya.
"Well, my parents are seperated. They have issues with each other when it comes to taking care of me, ilang taon din nagpakita ang tatay ko pero bigla na lang siyang dumating sa buhay ko like 8 or 9 years ago?"
Ilaugh, thinking about how I thought na magiging buo na ang pamilya ko, na baka makukuha ko na yung nakikita ko sa MMK o sa mga movie kung saan buo ang pamilya doon.
"And it was... messy. They would have messy verbal fights every single time, walang katapusan. At first, nagulat ako... it traumatized me because I hated fights, I hated it. But I had to live with it, with them fighting every single time. Nagtataka pa rin ako kung bakit nga ba siya nagpakita samantalang may pamilya naman na siya, ibang pamilya." I pause, painfully thinking about those fights.
Ayokong umiyak. Ayoko. Not when Alexander is the one who needs the help and not me. Not now. Pagod na 'kong umiyak. Pagod na.
"And then my father just recently asked me if I could move with him, if I could choose him. And I just... never said anything, instead I told him to leave or something... 'di ko nga maintindihan o maalala kung anong nangyari. Ayoko lang talagang isipin yung mga nangyayari sa tuwing nandito siya sa bahay for a visit."
I laugh bitterly and painfully. Gusto ko na lang talagang umalis sa bahay na 'to, gusto ko na lang lumayo sa lahat nang away at galit nilang dalawa sa isa't-isa. I realized then, that maybe a whole family isn't for me.
"Maybe, maybe... a whole beautiful isn't for me. Maybe... maybe I'm broken after all..." I laugh at my own words again.
I woke up from reality, from my words. Hindi dapat ako nagsalita, hindi ko dapat sinabi sa kanya nung nangyari nung nakaraan. It should be about him and not me. What is wrong with me?
"Sorry..." I chuckle.
"I should be listening to you... not--"
Hindi ko natapos ang sasabihin ko nang may naramdaman akong nakalapat sa labi ko.
Within a second, my heart began to beat really fast, the fastest pace perhaps. My eyes widen in surprise and I felt nothing but warmth and happiness. A rush of adrenaline and my face is a blushing mess.
After a second, I finally came to realize what was happening.
We're kissing.
Alexander and I are fucking kissing.
What is happening? Oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god. This can't be happening, this has to be a dream. This has to be a fucking dream.
I felt his hand against mine, it was holding mine tightly with our fingers intertwining with each other's. He then pulls away after.
Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na hinalikan niya 'ko. Nakatitig pa rin siya sa'kin, bumaba ang mga mata ko sa labi niya, that's fucking lip that crashed into my own lips!?
How am I going to understand this? About what the fuck just happened?
Akala ko naman tapos na, I was about to say something when I felt his lips against mine, it was a peck. And then his lips slowly glided down on top of my neck, I felt a strange sensation building on my neck to the point that my hands tighten against his.
"A-Alexander..." napakagat ako sa labi ko, it's so weird, it's really weird.
Tumigil siya sa paghalik sa leeg ko at nakita ko agad ang paglawak ng mga mata niya. As if he just realized what he had done, tumayo siya agad at inialis ang tuwalya niya sa mula sa katawan niya.
Tumayo rin ako, ang dami kong tanong sa utak ko ngayon. And I want answers. Now.
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"You kissed me."
"I did... I d-did..."
Hindi ako makahinga, hindi ako makahinga. Gusto ko nang sagot kung bakit... kung bakit niya 'ko hinalikan? It's like every single reason to why I had to avoid him just vanished, all for a single answer that I am looking for right now.
"Bakit?" tanong ko na may kasamang pag-taas ng boses ko.
"Bakit mo 'ko hinalikan?"
"It was just a kiss..."
A kiss? Just a kiss? So what, he just kissed me and that's it? A spur of a moment? Yun ba yun? Yun ba?
"It was just a kiss, Katerina. It's just that, you were... you were..."
"I was what, Alexander?" gusto ko nang sumigaw, I am this close to snapping.
I just want him to tell me, to tell me why? Why he kissed me!?
"I have to go..."
"Alexander--"
Hindi ko natapos ang tanong ko nang in-unlock niya yung pintuan at lumabas mula sa bahay ko. Tears began to escape from my eyes due to this overwhelming feeling inside my chest.
The overwhelming feeling that there is hope. That there might a hope that he feels the same way I do for him, that this might not be one-sided after all.
Just a kiss? For me, it's hope, Alexander. It's hope.
"Katerina."
Halos 'di ako makahinga nang marinig ko yung boses niya sa likod ko.
It was different from his usual tone of voice whenever we talk to each other. I'm going crazy, I'm actually going fucking crazy for this man and his voice, and even his presence.
Masyado akong apektado sa nangyari nung nakaraan. 'Di pa rin ako makapaniwala sa nangyari, parang panaginip kung saan lagi kang nagigising, kaso nga lang... 'di 'ko kailangan gumising sa panaginip na 'to, because it's not a dream.
Alexander kissed me when he went to my house, he sought for comfort and I gave it to him. Sinubukan ko siyang hanapin but he just avoided me and I felt it, I felt his presence trying to avoid me. Nakakainis, nakakairita, ako dapat ang umiiwas sa kanya dahil ako yung nahalikan.
I had to tell Genevieve what happened and she seemed surprised, just like Ares. 'Di ako makapaniwala, hindi rin siya makapaniwala. Ares told us that his brother has never done anything like this, even to some of his ex-crushes or any girls--ever.
And so I had to think, bakit ako? Bakit ako kinailangan niyang halikan? What made him want to kiss me? Is it because of pity? Because I was talking about my own family issues too which is somewhat just like his issues too?
Gano'n ba yun? Yun kasi ang nababasa ko, it's probably that. But... it's not good. Because it just gave me hope for our future, na baka may nararamdaman din siya sa'kin.
Think about it.
Sa dami daming babae na nagkakagusto sa kanya at mga babaeng naging karelasyon niya, bakit ako? Bakit ako ba ang nahalikan niya?
But then again, I guess he had kissed his ex-girlfriends too before.
Sino ba naman ako para mag-assume na ako lang ang nandiyan sa isip at puso niya?
Ever since that day, I couldn't stop thinking about the way his lips crash into mine, and then his eyes.
It looked so blue and so desperate—so beautiful.
Mas maganda pa kaysa sa buwan mismo nung gabi. 'Di rin nakakatulong yung labi niya na napadaan sa may leeg ko, from the books I've read a person usually do that when...when... want something or someone.
Or... sex. Lust.
Anything sexual.
Napalunok ako nang naisip ko yun. It's impossible... it's bad, it's terrible. Maybe that's why tumakbo siya agad, halata sa mukha niya pagkatapos na gulat siya sa nagawa niya, pero ako yung mas lalong nagulat.
Napaisip ako kung anong mangyayari kapag natuloy yun... if... if... we could've done something greater... so bad, so sinful. It's bad, it's really bad... it's dangerous.
Sinara ko ang locker ko agad sabay hinga nang malalim para ihanda ang sarili ko. I'm guessing that Genevieve's words worked at ngayon... puwede ko na siyang kausapin without him avoiding me.
"I... I am sorry..."
Sorry.
Puro na lang sorry?
Alam ko naman na hihingi siya nang tawad at naiimagine ko na ngayon kasi alam kong yun ang una niyang gagawin. It's just him, it's so Alexander.
And I hate it. I hate it already.
Pinakalma ko muna ang sarili ko, ayokong puno ng galit ang mukha ko kapag humarap ako sa kanya.
Nang maramdaman ko sa dibdib ko na kalmado na 'ko, tsaka ako unti-unting tumalikod para harapin siya.
Of course, he's still the same damn Alexander I know but... he's just not saying anything but it also looks like he is saying something through his eyes.
Pinatili ko ang blanko at kalmado 'kong ekspresyon. I don't want him to be flustered and be concerned just because of my expressions.
"Bakit? Bakit kailangan mong humingi nang tawad, Alexander?"
"Because I... did something."
"Some...thing?" kumulot ang mga kilay ko sa sagot niya.
"I did... something that I shouldn't have done."
"But you did..." my voice shook.
"...yes, yes and I... I want to apologize for it."
Apologize.
As if gano'n lang kadali, Alexander.
Gano'n lang kadali na halikan ako pagkatapos mo 'kong tanggihan.
Telling me these excuses, driving me crazy, thinking na siguro may dahilan ka talaga at siguro na balang araw may pag-asa na rin ako, pero wala... wala talaga.
I helped him. I helped him that day because I felt bad and I hated seeing him like that ever since our 6th grade together.
Naiinis ako, naiinis talaga ako.
Maybe I shouldn't have fallen for him maybe I shouldn't have helped him, maybe... maybe I shouldn't have let myself fall for this boy.
"That's it? Yun lang? You want to apologize for kissing me?"
"Rina--"
"No! You don't get to apologize for a kiss, you have to apologize for everything, Alex. Everything that you've done to me, to my mind, to my fucking heart... do you even know how hard it is for me to keep breathing whenever you're around?"
Nababaliw ako.
Nababaliw na talaga ako. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko sa sakit at galit, hindi ako galit kay Alexander... galit ako sa sarili ko.
"Katerina... I..." he takes a step forward, decreasing the distance between us, nawala na rin yung normal na ekspresyon niya, his face now screams concern.
Why?
What are you so concerned about, Alexander?
Why? Why now?
Are you concerned about me or what you've done?
Which one is it?
He didn't continue his words, he's still trying to find it.
So while he's at it, I just continued to let it all out.
It's too much, and his kiss and now his apology?
How am I supposed to calm down now?
Goddamnit, Alexander! Alexander Seth Cardoza!
"It's so... so fucking hard, Alexander. Ang hirap, at ang hirap pa rin... pero mas lalo na 'kong nahihirapan ngayon. Now I have to live as if that kiss meant something! Something that I shouldn't even thought of! But here I am!"
Thank God lang talaga at wala nang masyadong mga estudyante dito, kanina pa nagsimula maguwian yung mga estudyante especially in my department at yung mga kaklase ko.
Ayokong mapasok sa drama na nakikipagaway ako sa kapwa kong kaklase.
"Akala ko... akala ko na may pag-asa ko noon, but then I had to think now... realizing that these feelings are too intense at 'di ko na kakayanin. And then it happened, hinalikan mo 'ko, hinalikan mo 'ko, Alex! Alam mo man lang ba kung anong ibig sabihin nung halik na yun?"
Anong it's just a kiss ang pinagsasabi niya?
Baliw ba siya? He knows that I like him!
Of course I'm going to feel something else with the kiss! He should've known! He's supposed to be smarter than me!
"I... I know--"
"Kung alam mo dapat 'di mo ginawa, Alexander! You're... seriously... you suck! You're terrible! You just can't do that! Baliw pa rin ako sa'yo, baliw na baliw pa rin ako sa'yo, bwisit!"
'Di ko na napigilan ang sarili ko, nararamdaman ko na rin ang mas lalong pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko, pati na rin yung luha ko na malapit nang lumabas mula sa mga mata ko.
My emotions are all over the place right now, everything is too much.
It's like... everything that I've been bottling up for years is now out there... and I'm not done yet. Ang dami ko pang gustong sabihin sa kanya, siguro pagsisisihan ko 'to mamaya o bukas... o sa hinaharap but... just now, I want this out of me.
"I... what?"
"Bingi ka ba? Ano ba yan, Alex. You suck, you're terrible... and now you're deaf, nag-eenglish na nga ako eh... english na! God... out of all the guys who had a crush on me, hit on me, fell for me, and courted me... ikaw pa talaga ang nagustuhan ko... I have terrible taste in men..."
Nanatili lang siya na nakikinig pa rin sa'kin, puno sa mga mata at reaksyon niya na gulat siya sa mga salita na lumabas mula sa bibig ko.
I am surprised too, pero mukha bang may pake ako ngayon.
Not right now. Not at this moment.
"Hindi ako bingi, Rina. I'm just... surpr--"
"Oh, surprised? This is surprising to you? How? Matagal mo nang alam na ikaw ang gusto ko, ikaw ang... ikaw lang talaga. For fuck's sake, I confessed to you twice... maybe three times... 'di ko na alam! How is that not obvious to you? Are you stupid?"
"Katerina, stop."
"No, you stop. Ikaw ang tumigil. Ikaw ang tumigil sa mga ngiti mo, sa mga asul mong mga mata, yang katawan mo... and fuck... fuck... just your face, your presence! Everything about you! I hate it! I hate it so much..." agad na pumatak ang isang luha galing sa kaliwa kong mata.
Pinunasan ko agad ang luha ko, kahit na nilalabas ko na ang lahat ng emosyon ko, 'di ko pa rin gustong ipakita sa kanya na umiiyak ako o kahit ano man.
His face changed with his teeth biting his bottom lip, perhaps... in guilt.
"Bakit pa kasi ikaw? Maiintindihan ko pa kung si Silas kasi babaero yung lalaking yo'n, mahilig sa babae... it could've been easier and then get my heart broken after tapos move on. Pero ikaw? Ikaw?" tumaas ang boses ko habang unti-unti akong lumapit sa kanya.
"Alexander Seth Cardoza. The American Boy, the first guy best friend I've ever had. Kaibigan kita pero gusto kita, gusto kita pero kaibigan kita... hanggang ngayon 'di pa rin ako makamove on sa'yo kasi... you're him, you're Alexander." my voice broke at the end when his name escaped from my lips.
It hurts. I love him.
I don't like him but I love him.
But of course hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanya na mahal ko siya, I don't want to scare him.
Despite the fact that I'm saying all these things to him and yet I haven't told him I love him yet is pretty good, I'm holding myself back.
"And you kissed me. You... fucking... kissed me. And then you'd tell me that it's just a kiss? For me, it's hope... hope that maybe you liked me too. That maybe you wanted me the way I wanted you too..."
Alam niya ba kung ilang beses ko nang napaganipan na mahalikan ko siya, na mahawakan ko siya, na mayakap ko siya?
Na marinig ko rin sa kanya na gusto niya 'ko, na may nararamdaman siya para sa'kin.
All of those things, all of those are fucking... insane.
"Pero wala, wala talaga... you're just here apologizing for what you've done as if it's some mistake... maybe it is a mistake that we kissed but I don't hate it, I didn't, Alexander." I pause, taking a deep breath.
"I would never... ever hate it. Because it came from you, and it doesn't even matter whatever you do because I will always fucking love it. Kasi nga... galing sa'yo... galing... sa'yo..." I broke down while hiding my face with the use of my hair.
Ayokong makita niya 'kong umiiyak.
Ayoko.
Ayokong malaman niya na umiiyak ako dahil sa kanya, this is just like before.
Nung inamin ko sa kanya yung nararamdaman ko and he still rejected me.
"I know, Katerina." nabalik ang tingin ko sa kanya, our eyes met and I saw the way his blue eyes shone against mine, it was the same blue eyes I love and adore.
It's one of the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen in my life, ever.
I would never get bored looking at it, it's so fucking beautiful just like its owner, just like Alexander.
A wide smile drew from his lips as he slowly close the distance between us until we could only feel each other's bodies against each other because of how close we are.
Naramdaman ko ang kamay niya at ang mga daliri ni'to sa pisngi ko, dahilan nang paglawak ng mga mata ko.
What is he doing? Seriously, this time... what does those eyes meant? That smile? His touch? Our eyes at each other, what does this all mean to him?
What is it this time, Alexander?
"I know... I know that you still like me. Na ako pa rin, that it's always been me."
"Then why... why are you being like this to me?" I ask as he slowly caresses my cheek.
"Because I can't stay away from you, Rina." his wide smile turned into a smaller one, it might be smaller but it felt more genuine and sincere.
What does he mean by that?
I should've just stayed away from him, yun naman talaga ang ginagawa ko kaya nilalayuan ko siya pero siya ang dumating at hinanap ako.
"But you have to! Kailangan mo... Alex... or else I will..."
"Don't do that, Rina. You can't, and I can't."
"What makes you think I would--"
"Because you like me. If you really wanted to stay away, you could've done it a long time and you didn't. And I could've done the same thing but I couldn't because it's you, Rina... it's been you, you're someone important to me."
"Important?"
Gaano ako kaimportante sa'yo, gaano?
Mababaliw nanaman yata ako kakahanap ng sagot galing sa kanya.
"You're my best friend, no... you're more than just a best friend now... you're just... someone so fucking important to me, I can't let you go, I can't let you stay away. Ha... I've gone crazy, haven't I?"
I tasted the bitter aftertaste from his words.
Knowing that I've heard this same exact sentence before, 'di ko nga lang maalala pero alam ko... alam ko naman kung anong ibig sabihin niya. I'm not just his best friend anymore but a close friend.
"I know..." I spoke, hiding the sick feeling inside of my chest.
Hanggang ngayon, kahit anong gawin ko... gusto ko pa rin siya. At kahit hanggang ngayon, kahit anong gawin ko, I'm still a friend, just something closer this time.
I already know. I know, Alexander. I know.