*might be emotional— ngl ima cry*
Please ignore any and all mistakes.
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— HALF A MAN —
When I told her it was over, oh my darling I had lied
I've been running from my demons, afraid to look behind
I've been running from myself, afraid of what I'd find
But how am I supposed to love you when I don't love who I am?
And how could I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?
'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning, so let go of my hand
Oh how can I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?
•••••
Amiré ignored everything around him and just ran. All he could do was run, because he felt like his heart was running away from him. It all hit him in heavy waves as he mentally processed the fact the he was a dad. He had a son.
"Taivon!" He called out again as he tried to catch-up to her on the elevator. Soon as the door was about to shut he slipped inside, barely missing it. She stood in the corner, holding Isaíah to her chest with tears pouring down her face.
He touched his chest, trying to control his breathing. "W-why didn't you tell me?!"
She ignored him and looked up when the elevator started moving. He finally caught his breathe and frowned at her. "Tee?"
"Amiré I'm not finna deal with you acting clueless right now! As you can see I had a baby, yes it's yours, and yes you never would've known. After you decided to leave and disappear at the hospital, the doctor came right in behind you and told me I was pregnant! How would you feel if when you called me, to tell me this news, you go straight to voicemail. Your messages don't turn blue. Every access to you is just gone. Then you learn a few days later that the number has been changed. How would you f-feel?" She whispered the last part, voice cracking from her crying.
The elevator stopped on her floor and she hurried off, but Amiré was right on her tail. She tried to be quick about keying in her room and closing the door but his foot stopped her, and he gently pushed himself inside, slamming the door shut.
"Taivon stop running! You still could've reached out to me by telling Vino! Do not stand there and act I was that damn hard to get ahold of!" He hissed back, taking a few steps forwards her.
Taivon felt herself snapping. She took a few steps forward too and pointed her finger in his face. "No fuck you! I'm not some stupid hoe that needs to do some weak ass shit like that. You simply shouldn't have did what you did to me! We talked about it and you still went against everything we agreed on!"
"You know why I had to do that. It was too much Taivon! I was trying to protect you from this life that I live—"
"THAT DON'T EXC—"
Both parents stopped arguing and looked down at Isaíah who had pushed his pacifier out and started crying again, feeling a little startled from their voices raising. Taivon quickly lifted him up onto her shoulder and shushed him patting his back, apologizing.
"Mommy is sorry baby, I'll stop yelling." She whispered to him, rocking him in her arms. It didn't stop his crying though, which was frustrating her, bringing more tears to her eyes. "I'm sorry."
Amiré's heart broke as he watched them, feeling overwhelming guilt wash over him. This was all his fault.
"Tee," He whispered, reaching his hands out. "Let me help you, give him too me."
She just cried out no and turned her back to him, holding Isaiah closer to her chest as she continued rocking him. He wouldn't stop crying though, almost like he mirrored her emotions.
Amiré didn't stop reaching out as he walked around her and touched her hands, feeling her upper body shaking. She wasn't trying to let him go but she was weak as he pulled Isaiah away, feeling like every emotion she had put away was crashing around her. She thought she was okay, but she wasn't. She was angry and hurt that he really left her alone.
"I got him Tee. It's okay." He had successfully grabbed Isaíah and lifted him in his arms, holding him closely. He was shaking a little too, but because he couldn't believe he was real. Taivon sniffled and watched through tears as he rocked him, patting his bottom as he stared down at him in complete awe. Isaíah was looking right back up at him, instantly calming down, almost like he knew who he was. The only sounds he was left making was cooing noises, like he was trying to talk.
Amiré laughed softly, admiring his face. "H-hey little man." He whispered to him, feeling his own eyes fill with tears. A feeling he has never felt was drowning him as he admired his baby.
He had a son.
He was a father.
And he was terrified.
Taivon's heart ached as she watched a tear slip down his face. Soon one become a few more, breaking her heart because she's never seen him cry. "Amiré....."
He shook his head and slowly looked up to meet her eyes, feeling like his heart was about to burst. "I-I'm sorry Taivon. I really am. I never intended on hurting you the way that I did. But I had to because ultimately who you fell for isn't who I am. I come with a sea of sins and a wall of skeletons that no one should have to face because of me. I don't even want to face them sometimes. I can't give you all of me, when I don't know how. How was I supposed to love you, when I don't even love myself?" He told her, being 100% honest with her for the first time since he's met her.
"Everything that I touch burns or dies. I'm bad for you— for the both of you." He whispered the last part, but she heard him, not knowing what to say. He looked back down at Isaíah in his arms, noticing he was slowly falling asleep. Taivon reached onto the bed and grabbed his other pacifier, passing it to Amiré, who pushed it into his mouth.
The room grew quiet as he went back to admiring him, watching him sleep. "He's perfect."
"He is." She nodded, admiring him too.
He moved his hand and gently rubbed his head, feeling through his hair. Isaíah shifted a little, getting more comfortable in his arms. In that moment he understood what people meant when they say holding your kid is like holding your heart in your hands.
"What's his whole name?" He wondered, unable to look away from him.
"Isaíah Armani-Taivous North." She answered, taking a deep breathe as she took a seat at the edge of the bed. She was exhausted, but overall she was overwhelmed. She knew this was going to be hard, but she didn't expect this.
Amiré was shocked. "You gave him my last name?"
"Yes," She sighed. "He deserved to have a part of you, even if you weren't around."
He brought him closer to his chest and found himself growing sad because he didn't deserve this. All he could think about was how much more harm he would do than good. Amiré didn't know how to love, and yet in this moment all he felt was love. A love that he couldn't ignore because it was all in the way his son took a breathe. It was in the way his nose wrinkled, the way he made small sounds, the way his fists balled up, the way he seemed completely at peace in his arms.
"Y'all both deserve better than me." He whispered, rubbing his thumb softly under his eye. "He's honestly better off without me."
Taivon teared up and stood back up. "Shut up. Don't say that! I hear everything that you are saying Amiré. I get it, you've done some terrible things in your life and clearly you're caught up into much more than I could've imagined, but how many times do I need to scream at you that I saw it all the second I looked into your eyes. I was no fool to the warning signs or lies, and yet I still fell for you. Even after all you've done wrong. I still look at you and feel like my heart is literally about to explode because all it knows is you. All it wants is you. Except I don't need you. He does. No matter what you've done, what you do, or who you are— this little boy will always need you. And I need you to be here for him. Even if you can't love anyone else— just love him."She begged, nearing his body.
Amiré sniffled and looked up to meet her eyes. "What if I screw up Tee?"
"You won't."
"You seem so sure—why?"
"Because I just witnessed it with my own eyes. It was love at first sight." She smiled softly. "Even if you don't think you can love him right, it's inside of you. You just need to accept it."
He took a shaky breathe, looking back down at his son. It would never make any sense to him how all of this unfolded, but deep down he wondered if this was his karma. Because if God wanted to put fear into his heart, he succeeded.
He turned vulnerable the second he heard his cries.
"I'm not going anywhere," He told her, clearing his throat. "I will be here for you both Tee."
She quickly shook her head no. "No just be here for him, because that's all that matters. I don't need you to be here for me, I cannot go down that road with you again. You can only hurt me like that one time. So if you do wrong, know the only person you'll be disappointing is your son. So stop being half a man, and be the man he needs you to be."
He nodded his head. "Okay."
Everything in his life changed that moment— for the worst and the better. He just had to be man enough to accept it all, no matter the consequence.
•••••••
Chapter 12, 2/2. 🤍
Mannn..... they talked at least?