MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AHEAD!!! READ AT YOUR OWN WARNING!!! i've dealt with self harm for the last couple years & i've wanted to write something about it? feel free to skip this chapter because i understand how it can be triggering to others.
you felt defeated & disappointed. after a few months of being clean from self harm, one incident took you over the edge & brought you back to where you are now; crying on the bathroom floor with cuts littered on the inner sides of your arms. you know you promised matthew you'd get better, & you were better for a while, but when you feel like this, like there's no way out & you're stuck, you reach for the thing that will make you feel something, anything other than what you feel then & there.
you knew you'd have to tell matthew when he comes home from work, & you were afraid of having that conversation. the fear of him being disappointed or angry at you makes you want to throw up, so you desperately hoped that this wouldn't end like that. after deciding you had the will power to get up from the floor, you gripped the bathroom counter & looked at yourself in the mirror.
you looked like you were in poor shape with your messy hair, puffy red eyes & small drops of blood running from your arms to your hands. wiping off the excess carefully with a wet paper towel, you rolled your sleeves down your arms & his them just as you heard matthew's footsteps enter the apartment. with a deep breath, you exited the bathroom & entered the living room to see matthew placing his work bag on a chair before turning to you, smiling brightly at your presence.
"hey hun" he said as he made his way over to you, hugging you for a moment.
but instead of letting go, you held onto him tightly, hiding your face in the comfort of his chest, letting his cologne take over your senses.
"how've you been today? good?" he asked you, noticing your heart rate was slower than normal & the smell of copper floated through the air, making him believe you had started your period.
"not good" you mumbled into his chest, holding onto him tighter when you felt him rub your back with soft circular motions.
"do you need me to get you anything? pads, tam—"
"i uh, i didn't get my period..." you told him, feeling how he pulled away to get a better feel of you.
moving his right hand to hold your cheek, he could feel dry tear stains & the puffiness coming your eyes— making him conclude that you had been crying.
"what... i— what's going on, hmm? why were you crying?" matthew asked with a concerned tone, trying not to think about the possibility that's being lingering in the back of his mind.
you tried to get the words out, but all you did was stutter, looking away from his face since you were embarrassed & disappointed in yourself.
"hey," he tapped your cheek lightly, "it's just me & you... you don't need to worry". matthew assuring you did make you feel comfortable, but it sadly didn't ease your thoughts.
"i relapsed..." you confessed quietly, your voice cracking as you finished speaking, moving away from matthew before you started to cry again.
you tried to maneuver your way to the bathroom again, your nervousness at an all time high & you couldn't help but want to go back & continue what you had done earlier. but before you could, matthew caught onto your wrist, holding it gently but forcefully so you wouldn't move.
"y/n..." matthew said slowly, trying to comprehend what you just told him.
"i'm sorry," you cried, your body beginning to shake from stress, "i'm so sorry".
you were scared to hear what else he had to say, scared of his possible judgement or fear. you felt guilty, but not for yourself, only for him. all you wanted to do was run away in that moment because everything just felt too much, but you were shocked at how matthew handled the situation.
wordlessly, he brought you into his arms, a safe space for you to let your emotions out & be comforted by his soft touches & loving words. he shut his eyes tightly, trying to hold his own emotions back to be strong for you, knowing that you needed him. he wasn't upset at you— hell— he felt as if he never could at times. but he just couldn't help but be upset at the circumstances that have made you wire your brain to think that hurting yourself works, because you didn't deserve to think or act that way.
while he rubbed your back with his left hand, moving slowly as he felt it shake with every cry released from you, he held the back of your head with his right one, almost cradling you in the delicate & fragile state you were in.
"you don't need to be sorry, i'm not mad at you sweetheart" he assured you by whispering in your ear, kissing your head a couple times as you gasped for air.
"i've been trying so hard not to relapse but i just— i couldn't help it. everything just got too much" you said to him through sharp breath's, clutching tighter & tighter onto his shirt to help ground you somehow so you could stop spiralling.
"this doesn't define you, yeah? it's just a bump... a blip," matthew began, swaying you both back & forth a little to ease your body. "you've been doing so well y/n, i know this has been hard... & i'm so proud of you, despite everything".
you felt yourself begin to cry even more at his words that were laced with nothing but love. the love matthew had for you was eternal & he was proving that.
"i'm not leaving you to figure this out on your own," he sniffled, sighing when he felt your head muzzle into his chest. "i'm gonna do more to help you because i care about you too much to lose you".
"we're gonna get you better... i promise" matthew continued to assure, his heart strings pulling when he heard your cries begin again.
"i feel guilty because you have so much stuff going on & i just dumped this on you— i feel bad, i can't help it! i feel like i'm a lost cause... that i won't get better... & i don't want to drag you along because you deserve better than me" you explained to him, feeling anger rise in your chest towards yourself until matthew's touched relaxed you.
"i don't have any hope for me... i don't deserve you, you're too good to me" you told him, making matthew shake his head in disapproval.
"that's the thing y/n," he began, "you deserve so much & you can't realize it... you can't see it... but i can— karen & foggy can. & i want to make you able to see it, because you deserve to love yourself" matthew said, picking your head up with his hands so you would look him & see the meaning in his face.
"you deserve so much" he said with a sad smile, kissing your forehead before resuming the hug, not letting go unless you asked.
after moments of silence, holding one another tightly in the dim lights of the apartment, you spoke up.
"thank you... i love you matt" you told him quietly, sniffling into his chest & shutting your eyes to rest them. instead of replying with words, he kissed your head, letting his lips linger for a few seconds before whispering "i love you" over & over.
"let me clean you up, yeah? can i take care of you?" he asked, pulling away to see your tear stained face.
"okay" you agreed, seeing him give you an encouraging smile before taking you to the bathroom so he could do what you've done for him on multiple occasions— bandage you up.
putting the toilet lid down for you to sit, matthew grabbed the first aid kit & wound cleaner from underneath the sink, along with special healing bandages you had purchased for him after his nights of crime fighting.
"but matt, those are your special bandages—" you tried to argue, not wanting him to waste them on your wounds.
"hey," he said, kissing your lips briefly before pulling away, "i'll buy more. just let me take care of you sweetheart, please?".
giving him a small nod, he pecked your lips one more time before laying out what he needed, sensing where everything was on the floor as he crouched in front of you.
"now, i gotta pull your sleeves up..." matthew said, waiting for confirmation from you.
omitting a small "okay", you hesitantly held out your arms, seeing him slowly & carefully lift the sleeves & pull them up to your elbows on both arms, your scars & new wounds visible to you. you hadn't really looked at them when you did them, is seeing the jagged lines, the clean ones or the deep ones made you feel grey.
"can i... can i feel?" he asked you, just so he could try to visualize in his brain where the wounds were.
"mhmm" you hummed, holding his feet hand in yours so you could squeeze it when needed.
lightly touching the wounded skin with his thumb, matthew tried to map out where the cuts where so he could accurately clean them for you, his dedication running strong. once he finished, he placed two kisses on each of your arms before grabbing gauze & the wound cleaner.
"this is gonna hurt a little" he warned you softly as he soaked the gauze in the cleaner.
intaking a sharp breath, you felt matthew wipe your inner arms, touching the spots where your skin was wounded. you hissed at the pain & sometimes tried to pull your arm away at the stinging feeling, but he kept your arm in place so he could do his job.
"i'm sorry" he mumbled to you, feeling bad at hearing your whines & painful groans.
"it's okay" you told him, knowing he wasn't doing anything wrong.
after both arms were finally cleaned, blood free, matthew had to careful suture some of the deeper cuts. he sutured you up slowly, making sure not to cause too much pressure or pain on the area as he tied each knot with the thread. you had to close your eyes for this part, not able to watch him do it.
"we're almost done sweetheart" matthew reminded as he continued to finish the last knot, satisfied with his work at patching you up.
"bandage time?" you asked, hearing him chuckle at your voice.
"uh huh" he mumbled, pressing a kiss to your skin before grabbing the bandages from the floor.
placing the large film of bandages onto your skin, you had a total of eight bandages, four on each arm to cover all the wounds. matthew made sure to properly press them into your skin & rub his thumb multiple times over the edges to make sure they would stay in place & that they were as close to your skin as possible.
once he was done, he grabbed a small cloth from behind him & dipped it under some warm water, cleaning your cheeks & eyes carefully to wipe away the tear residue.
"there. all cleaned up"
lifting you from the toliet lid, matthew pulled you into another hug, feeling your tired body move close to him like a magnet.
"thank you matt"
instead of replying, matthew just kissed you, putting all of his emotions into the kiss, hoping you would feel what he felt for you.
"thank you for trying" he whispered to you, sensing your sad smile on your face as you looked at him.
"i wouldn't try if i didn't have you"