I get a little bit nervous around you
Get a little bit stressed out when I think about you
Get a little excited
Baby, when I think about you
———
I was nervous.
Harry was picking me up in about fifteen minutes, and I was very fucking nervous. It was frustrating me because I wasn't this nervous going to the coffee shop or Peninsula Park with him. I guess I can blame that on the heat of the moment. The coffee shop I agreed to because I was in such a haze from nearly jumping off that bridge. And the park, I guess I was just still shocked from the night before, and just that fact that he remembered about it and kept his promise to see me that day. I don't know.
But this was premeditated. I've had a few days to soak it all in and I just don't understand why he still wants to see me, or why I keep agreeing to see him. Yeah, Thursday at the park was nice, but what if that was just a one time thing? What if this time when I see him it's horrible?
But what if it wasn't? What if I enjoyed myself with him again? What if he kept showing me the good days?
It was hard to explain exactly what was going on inside my head, all I knew was that I was nervous and was borderline regretting texting him.
I sat on my bed wishing I never hit send on that message. It was probably an hour of me just white knuckling my comforter, staring out my window and regretting my life, once I ended the phone call with Harry. I just couldn't force myself to move.
I think I was in shock. And I think it was because the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I actually kind of wanted to see him. I don't think I could ever say that out loud, but after spending that hour stuck inside my head, I think I was forced to realize that a lot of my nerves stemmed from the fact that I wanted to see Harry, and that scared the shit out of me.
I guess I wanted to allow myself the opportunity to get to know him. I even told myself the night we met to stay a little longer, to see if he might just be my reason to stay. I knew this already. But, now that it was very slowly starting to become a possible reality, I was very scared and hesitant.
Yes, I knew that he for sure was not a big enough reason to stay as of now. I barely know the guy but, with the direction this is heading, how he seems to be genuinely interested in seeing me and being my friend, he very well could end up being my reason. The reality of the situation was haunting. It was freaking me the fuck out, and I couldn't help it if I tried.
The idea of staying alive, having someone or even something to live for, and putting effort into having a future is too much for me. It's overwhelming, and I feel sick thinking about it.
But, could I want this? Could this random guy really change my life trajectory like that? Can I really allow myself to be vulnerable enough, present enough, with him to even give him the chance to prove he can be my reason to stay?
It was very hard for me to let people into my life. To allow people to get to know me seemed impossible.
Especially after with what happened two years ago. I refused to put myself in that position again. That was when I began to stop hanging out with people. That was when I stopped considering Dani and Louis my friends.
It wasn't because of anything they did. It was simply because I didn't want friends anymore after what happened. Being friends with me meant having to deal with the baggage I came with, and I didn't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I also just didn't want to depend on people anymore.
I wasn't stupid, though. I knew that simply removing the 'friend' label didn't really change anything. I knew Louis and Dani still cared for me, as much as I wish they didn't. But they did. So telling myself that we weren't friends made me feel better. Because if I told myself we weren't friends, it meant that I wasn't a burden on them. If we weren't friends, I wasn't their problem to deal with, they didn't owe me anything.
It was very fucked logic, I know, but it works for me, so I'm sticking with it.
Letting Harry into my life was scary, it made me feel very uneasy. But at the same time, it feels like it could be very easy if I let it. I've said it before, but Harry just radiates an effortlessly comforting aura.
It was a very conflicting feeling. I knew I wanted to try let him in and give him a chance to be part of my life. But, wanting it and actually doing it are two completely different things.
I spent all morning thinking about this, actually. Head in the clouds yet again, avoiding having to get ready to see Harry. But, as time moved on, and the afternoon began to roll into evening, I decided I probably should start to make an effort to make myself look at least a little presentable and like I'm ready for social interactions.
Not that I really put much effort in, but I put in more effort than usual. I showered and washed my hair, and decided to let it dry naturally. And while my hair was drying, I actually texted Dani and asked her if I could borrow some nail polish.
I don't think I've ever heard anyone run up a set of stairs faster than Dani did to get to me. She was so excited that I was wanting to paint my nails. I even let her paint them for me. She didn't ask me why I was painting my nails, she was just happy I was letting her add the light shade of purple to them.
She took her time painting them, making sure they looked perfect, and she kept glancing up at me. I knew she was curious as to why I suddenly wanted them painted. I hadn't had my nails done in years. I don't think Dani has ever actually seen me with any color on my nails.
I decided to just tell her what was going on. She was probably going to find out sooner or later anyways, may as well just rip the band aid off now.
"So, I have plans tonight with a friend I made at school," I told her. I also figured I would leave out the part about how we actually met, and just saying we met in school would make sense to her anyways. I avoided eye contact, but when I noticed that she froze, I looked up to meet her eyes.
She was just staring at me with her blue eyes wide and it looked like she was holding in an explosion of a reaction. It was another three seconds of us staring at each other before I gave in and said, "Go on, let it out."
She immediately put the nail polish down on the floor and covered her face with her hands letting out a squeal.
"Macey! That's so exciting! What's their name? What are you doing? Is this a date? Is that who you were with on Wednesday? Oh my god I can't believe it! This is so exciting!"
"Well, his name is Harry, and yes that's who I was with on Wednesday. I have no idea what we're doing tonight, he won't tell me, and no... it's not a date," I explain as she begins to paint my nails again.
"A guy? and it's not a date, you guys are just friends? How long have you known each other? Is he nice?" I can hear the concern laced in her voice. She knows it's not like me to make friends with anyone, let alone a guy. She and Louis are the only people who would be this concerned about me befriending a guy, so I understand where she's coming from, but I also think she doesn't have to worry so much.
"Yeah. We only met a few days ago and I think he's very nice. There's just something about him that makes me feel comfortable to be around him, I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy." I shake my head and avoid eye contact, choosing to keep my focus on my hands.
"Okay, well I'm happy for you, Macey. And I trust your judgement, I don't think you're crazy" she says and finishes painting my nails, screwing the cap back on the bottle and adding, "but, if he turns out to be even the slightest bit like Ryan, then I won't hesitate to make his life a living hell," she finishes with a smile.
And I knew that was true. She antagonized him every chance she got until he graduated a few months after everything happened. I knew she'd do the same to anyone who treated me like that. I wish she wouldn't though. Because that plays into my problem of being her burden. I don't want my shitty life to affect hers. And I don't want her to put all of her worry and focus on me.
Anyways, as my nails dried, Dani picked out clothes for me to wear. At first, she pulled a sundress out of her closet. But, I think she could tell by my scrunched eyebrows and nose and the frown on my lips that I wanted something more casual. Besides, sundresses weren't really my style.
So, she walked over to my closet and grabbed a light yellow crew neck sweater with 'Wild Honey' embroidered across the front. She tossed a pair of simple blue jeans with rips in the knees and left thigh at me, and also a pair of dirty white vans.
My nails fully dried, and I got dressed. As much as Dani begged me to let her put some light makeup on me, I told her no. So, now I'm on the couch in the sitting waiting for Harry to show up. I still have no idea where we're going or what we're doing, and I'm incredibly anxious.
Like always, my hand gravitates towards my wrist and I begin pulling at and twisting the charms that dangle, using it as a way to try and distract myself from my current thoughts.
Twist, pull, one. Twist, pull, two. Twist, pull, three.
I hear my phone go off and look down at the screen to read what it says.
H: I'm about 2 minutes away
Okay, okay. This is fine. This is all fine. I'm going to be fine. It's just Harry.
M: okay! just honk when youre outside, you dont need to get out
I hit reply and stared blankly at the screen.
Harry didn't respond, he just liked my message and left it at that, and I put my phone into my pocket as I stood up from the couch and walked towards the front door where I'd wait to hear the sound of his horn.
"Macey!" I heard Dani shouting from upstairs and then heard her heavy footsteps running down the steps.
"Jesus, what?" I ask as she comes into view. She stops in front of me and bends over to put her hands on her knees and tries to catch her breath.
My head spins towards the door when I hear the sound of two car horns beeping, and I turn back to Dani and ask, "That's Harry, I gotta go, but what did you need?"
"I just wanted to tell you to please call or text me if you need me at all. I mean for anything at all. I'll even have Louis hijack Julie's car and we'll come get you wherever you are if you need that, okay?" She rushes the words out all in one breath and stands straight back up.
"Well, thank you, but I think I'll be alright. I'll text you if I need you."
I won't need you, I wouldn't want to bother you, even if you say I wouldn't be bothering you. If something goes wrong, I'll deal with it myself.
"Okay, well then he's waiting for you! Go! Have fun, be safe!" She points to the door and gestures for me to leave with a wide smile. I just shake my head before turning around, waving to Dani, and then walking out the front door.
I shut the door behind me and turn around to see Harry leaning against his car door with his arms crossed over his chest and a smile on his lips.
He's wearing a cream colored long sleeve shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows along with a pair of black skinny jeans and black converse. His loose curls sit perfectly on the top of his head.
He makes the simplest clothes look very good, and I wish I could do the same.
I begin to walk down the sidewalk towards his car, and his smile only grows. A smile finds its way onto my lips as well. The sun is setting right now too, creating a beautiful backdrop of light pinks and some bright orange.
"Hi," he grins at me and walks around to the passenger seat to open up the door for me.
"Hi," I look up to him before climbing into the seat. He shuts the door once I'm in and walks around the front of the car and gets into the driver's seat.
The car was already running, and music was already playing. I was glad I at least didn't have to worry about that. I didn't recognize the song that was playing, but the beat of it was enjoyable.
He started driving away from the house and looked over at me a few times before asking, "How are you today," He asks, shooting his eyes down the length of my torso for a moment before adding, Bee?"
"Bee?" I ask with confusion written on my face. What the hell does that mean?
"Yeah, Bee. Wild Honey is brand of honey that my mum always buys. We always have it in the house cause we like it with our tea. It's got a bee on the front of the jar, and you've got honey written on your shirt with a little bee above it. Reminded me of it is all, sorry," He explains to me.
I've never really been given a nickname before so I'm not sure what to make of it, but I guess it makes sense with what I'm wearing.
"Oh? Okay, well I'm alright I guess," I let out a small laugh and shrug my shoulders and lean my head against the headrest behind me and turn to look at Harry's side profile. And it really was a perfect side profile. "How are you?"
"Well I'm better now that I've seen you," He tells me like it's the most casual thing in the world to admit.
What does he mean by that? Seeing me makes his day better? How? Why?
I don't want to ask that because I'm too afraid of the answer. So, instead I chose to just ask him if he'll tell me where he's taking me.
"Not a chance," He says, quoting himself from when he took me to Peninsula Park and I asked where we were going.
"Lovely," I huff and cross my arms over my chest and focus my gaze back onto the road ahead of us. I'm not actually annoyed, I just wish I knew where we were going.
"Awh, c'mon Bee, don't be upset. I'm sure you'll love it once we get there," he reaches over and nudges my shoulder, and I can't help but let the smile I was trying to hide break through. I turn my head to the window on my right and bit the inside of my cheek to try and conceal it, but Harry already saw, I just know it.
But the way he used the word 'love' made my smile begin to fade. I don't really like that word. Love is nothing but a social concept, yet I don't think it should be tossed around so lightly. It can be used to manipulate and take advantage of, get people to do the things you want them to, and I don't like hearing it. Especially when it's directed at me.
And I get that he was just using it platonically, he was only talking about an inanimate thing, I get it. Everyone says things like that. 'Oh, you'll love this' or 'I love this song'. I know I shouldn't take it out of context, I can't help it though. The use of the word makes me tense up a bit. I can't help but feel uncomfortable when I hear it, or think about it's meaning.
"Hey, you alright?" I guess Harry noticed my tension and my lack of response spurred him on to question me.
"Huh?" I turn my head to look at him again. "Oh, yeah I'm fine. Just trying to figure out where it could be that we're going."
"Well, this drive isn't too far, only about five more minutes actually. So, you won't have to wait too much longer to see." He stops at the intersection as the light turns red and focuses his attention on me now. "And don't think about it too much, it'll probably end up being anticlimactic anyways once we get there."
I just nod my head and try to focus on the music that's playing. I recognize the voices, I know it's The 1975, but I'm not sure what song it is. Harry sings along to the verse, of course sounding effortlessly incredible, and I close my eyes to listen.
The chorus comes back and Harry sings the line 'And I know when you're around cause I know the sound' I recognize the song as The Sound. It's such a catchy song, and it takes us all the way to what I'm guessing is our destination.
He pulls into a parking lot and I see we're at a park, similar to the one we were at the night we met. There are benches surrounding the perimeter, and a swing set not too far away from the parking lot. There were also a few different slides, a set of monkey bars and a gaga ball pit.
Harry didn't stop the car, though. There was apparently a driveway that went to the other side of the park, and Harry drove through the parking lot and down the driveway. I was confused on where we were going and what could be past this park, but I didn't question it because i knew he wouldn't give me a straight answer anyways.
Eventually, the car came to a stop and I looked around but saw nothing in particular besides the park about a hundred feet away from us now. Harry puts the car in park and removes the keys from the ignition, all with the faintest smile on his lips.
He is really is always smiling, isn't he?
"Alright then, here we are," he says as he reaches to where my feet are resting and grabs the bag he keeps his journal in off of the floor. I hadn't even realized it was there until now.
He opens his door and climbs out, putting the bag over his shoulder. I start to open my door as well, but he quickly jogs around the front of his car so he can reach my door and open it for me before I get the chance to.
I get out and he shuts the door behind me so I ask, "Thank you, but where exactly is here?"
I watch as he walks to the back of his car and he opens up the trunk. He pulls out what looks like a giant comforter, and then shuts the trunk door and puts his keys into his bag.
"It's a park of course," he says and he extends his hand out in front of my body for me to grab onto. I wasn't expecting this, so I just stared at his hand and remained immobilized.
He takes a step forward and brings his hand closer to mine, and when I don't flinch or pull away, he takes it as a sign to grab onto it and start walking me to the grassy field behind the park.
A shiver ran down my spine when he held my hand in his, intertwining our fingers, and I felt on very high alert. It made me feel like my internal organs had twisted up and were restricting each other, but not necessarily in a bad way. Just in a way I wasn't used to.
Yes, I remembered he held my hand to shake it when we met, and kept holding it for a few seconds after that, but I was so numb that night that I barely felt anything. Right now, I felt anything but numb. I felt it all, and it was almost overwhelming my body. Holding someone's hand should not be affecting me this much, but it is. I wonder if it's because it's been almost two years since I've willingly held someone's hand, or showed any type of physical affection for that matter? Or was it because it was Harry, and I still didn't know him very well so my body was on alert? Was it because my brain was in fact considering this physical affection? And not just platonic hand holding to guide a friend where they need to go?
"Are you alright?" Harry snapped me out of my thoughts by squeezing my hand twice and actually speaking to me.
He let go of my hand once he was satisfied with how far onto the field we had walked, and he began to unfold the thick, navy blue comforter and lay it on the grass.
"Yeah, I'm good," I reassure him, even though I think I said that to reassure myself that I was good because I honestly wasn't sure if I was. He plops himself down on the comforter and lays on his back with his arms bent and hands resting behind his head.
"What are you doing?" I look down at him and ask, still standing tall beside the blanket.
"I'm waiting for you to join me down here so we can watch the sun setting," he says and taps the open spot next to him with his hand twice. "C'mon, it's getting lonely down here."
I just shake my head and let out a small chuckle, lowering myself down and eventually lying beside him looking up at the sky. I keep my hands folded on my stomach and I cross my ankles, the right over my left.
"Welcome, Bee," I see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye but I keep looking at the sky, rolling my eyes but also smirking at the use of the silly nickname.
"Sticking with Bee are we?"
"Sure, why not? Well, unless you hate it, then I'll come up with something else. I've got plenty more where that came from Sunshine," he says, the smile etched on his face showcasing his deep dimples.
"No, it's okay. I don't mind it," I tell him and I tilt my head to the side so I can see him. I've never really been one for nicknames, but this one's kind of cute.
I kept my focus on Harry and I just admire him. I knew he was attractive, that's for sure, but I think it's settling into my brain just how attractive he really is. The way his curly hair sits in a perfect mess on his hand, with some strands falling loose on his forehead. The way his emerald green eyes shine so brightly and stand out like the brightest star in the sky. His jawline that was as sharp as a knife. The little freckle he had on his perfect skin just below and to the left of his mouth. And his beautiful smile that created the deepest dimples I had ever seen. And lying this close to him made me also notice that his two front teeth were a bit longer than the rest, and it just made him so look youthful.
He really is art.
I suddenly realized I was staring and became very flustered. I could feel the heat creeping up my neck and I knew my cheeks were flaming up as well. But I realized something else while I stared.
He was staring at me, too.
This made me even more flustered and I very quickly returned my gaze to the sky above us and cleared my throat.
"Let's watch the sun, that's what we came here to do, yeah?" I nervously chuckle.
"We came here to admire the view," he pauses, looks up at the sky for a brief second before looking back to me and finishing his thought, "that's exactly what I'm doing."
"Well, I hope you're not talking about me because I'm nothing to admire," I say and only realize how conceited that sounded after it already came out.
Oh my god.
Macey, you asshole. Of course he's not talking about you. What the fuck is your problem?! He literally looked at the sky and then said that was what he was doing. He took you here...to look at the sky. Why the hell would you think he's talking about you, you narcissistic asshole? God, you sound so full of yourself, and now he thinks you are too.
"The sky is so pretty right now, wow. Would you look at that? It's beautiful!" I opted for my usual way of getting myself out of awkward or uncomfortable situations: pretending they didn't happen. But Harry I guess had other plans.
"Wait a minute, go back. You think you're not admirable?" There's that look. The one I thought he was giving me before. He really is looking at me like I just told him my name was Yopew.
"Um, no, not really," I answer honestly. There's too much attention on me and I'm starting to get uncomfortable.
He sits up and runs his fingers through his hair.
"You're insane," he tells me bluntly.
"Yeah, I probably am, but thanks for pointing it out," the sarcasm is rich in my voice.
"I just think it's crazy that you don't think you're admirable."
"Well, I'm not. I don't know what to tell you." I start fidgeting with the Pandora bracelet on my wrist and try to think of a way to change the subject.
Twist, pull, one. Twist, pull, two. Twist, pull, three.
"Well, I could sit here and admire you all night," he tells me very confidently, still sitting up on the blanket.
"That's not true," I quickly say. Even though I want to change the subject, I still find myself entertaining this conversation and honestly I'm annoyed at myself for it.
He looks away and rubs the tip of his nose with his pointer finger before looking back to me, all while exhaling a breathy laugh.
"You don't see it, yet," he tells me and shakes his head. The smile still glued on his cherry lips. "But you will one day, I'll make sure of that."
You keep telling yourself that, buddy. We'll see if I make it that far to see you accomplish the impossible.
I don't answer. I just let the conversation end there and I think about what he says while Harry reaches next to him to grab his journal and a pen out of his bag.
He takes the cap off the pen and opens up the journal to a new page. He writes something down quickly and then closes the journal again, placing both items back into the bag all while I just lay there and watch.
He lies back down and places his hands back under his head. Staring up at the sky and actually watching the sun set, he repeats, "You'll see."