Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Eighteen

Let me see all the things that I was supposed to see
Light up a darkness I was never meant to
Climb out of like a bursting sunrise from the deepest sleep
A change of heart and a silver lining down on Camellia Street
Let it come down on me

————

Terror.

A feeling that has made itself a very prominent guest in my brain for the past week. I've felt terror before, but not quite like this. This was different.

After Harry dropped me off at the home last week, and also possibly almost kissed me, I've had this feeling, deep in my chest and full in my heart. Completely taking over the anxiety and depression that typically is the forefront of my emotions.

A few weeks ago, if you asked me what the emotions that ran through my body were, my top answer would be anxiety, depression, and emptiness. Not much else. But since meeting Harry, I've felt so much. So many things that I forgot I was capable of feeling, things I don't know if I've ever actually felt before, not genuinely, anyways.

I've felt safe, I've felt happy, I've felt light, I've felt seen, I've felt heard, I've felt valued. But I've also felt confusion, and doubt, and sadness, and now terror. I am so terrified that what I have planned for us tonight will blow up in my face. That I'll embarrass myself beyond words, and never be able to look Harry in the eye again.

I've tried to talk myself down, tell myself that Louis was right, Harry did want to kiss me that night, and probably still does. I've tried telling myself that it'll all be alright, it'll all work out. But saying those words out loud versus actually believing them are two completely different things. And I find it very hard to believe in myself.

But I'm trying, I really am.

Harry and I didn't spend too much time together this week outside of school, but on Tuesday he did get me to come back to the cafeteria for lunch, so we now spend that time together as well.

He noticed I was never there, and asked me why that was. So I told him I usually spent lunch period in the library reading and sometimes talking with Ms. Pickett, our librarian, which is true. But he told me he wanted me to sit with him and his friends.

And at first, I said no since I was still sure that Charlie and Zayn didn't like me, but Harry sweet talked me into it, convincing me that they had gotten over themselves and would love it if I joined them at their lunch table.

So hesitantly, the next day I met Harry at his locker so we could walk to the cafe together, and when we got there, I was met with Charlie, Zayn, and three other girls who I had seen around before, but didn't know the names of.

As we approached the table, their eyes all fell on me and I could feel my entire body tense up. Their conversation came to a halt, and it didn't pass me by that two of the girls turned their attention away from me to share a knowing look with each other, raising their eyebrows and not so subtly smiling, before looking at me once more. Harry gestured his arm to me when we got close enough to speak.

"This is Macey everyone," he introduces me to the table with a big smile on his face, then places the hand that isn't holding his lunch on my lower back and points to everyone at the table.

"Macey, this is Zayn, Charlie, Katelin, Mia, and Claire."

Everyone gives me a smile as Harry speaks their name, and I give a small wave of my fingers and say a barely audible hello, not really knowing what else to say or who to look at.

Harry pulls out the chair in front of him and gestures for me to sit, so I do, and he takes the seat next to me. Harry's friends easily jump right back into their conversation, and Harry quickly joins in as well.