Disarray [H.S.]

Chapter Seven

Underneath the stars, lookin' for a sign
Glowin' in the dark 'til the sun shines
Made it pretty far on the first try
Might've set the bar a little too high

______

Harry and I spent hours laying on this blanket in the middle of this grassy field watching the sun set and the stars appear. Music was playing quietly in the background from Harry's phone, and I felt so peaceful.

I don't really remember the last time I felt true peace. It was such a weird feeling, I wasn't used to it, but it was weird in a good way. I wanted to get used to it, I wanted this to be a normal feeling. I liked this feeling and I wanted more of it.

Because right now, my mind wasn't racing a million miles a minute. My mind was calm, and I was grateful for that. I was grateful for the silence and peace laying in this field gave me, and grateful to Harry for introducing me to this.

With the anxiety I felt earlier about this, I definitely did not expect to feel peace, but now that I do, I don't want to let this feeling go.

It makes me wonder what else I could do to bring on this feeling. Can I do things on my own to feel peace? Will this feeling only come when I'm with Harry? What if since I'm feeling it here and now, with him, I associate it with him and ruin my chances to be able to feel it on my own, and only think I can feel it with him?

Okay, I'm thinking way too much about this. I need to shut down the spiral before it gets too out of control and I start to panic. That's the last thing I need right now.

So for now, I'll just appreciate the time I'm spending with Harry and try not to think about it too much.

Him and I just laid there side by side, making conversation about anything we could think of as the sun went down. Just getting to know each other a little better. We talked about school, music, lots of random things.

Though, it was mainly him talking, and me just responding. I didn't know what I was supposed to talk about. I mean, what else do I have to talk about besides my trauma?

Definitely won't be talking about that.

So Harry does all the talking for me, ans he doesn't seem to mind.

As the night sky began to show,  Harry talked a lot about the stars we saw and how he learned to love them.

He explained to me that when he was little, he had thought that the stars were just thousands of little fireflies that were too far away for him to reach. It wasn't until he was in school, first grade he said, and he learned about the day and night sky, the sun, moon, stars and planets, did he realize what stars were.

He told me how fascinating he found the night sky, and how he tried to learn anything and everything he could about what was up there. It was his greatest passion, right behind writing of course. So, he was basically an encyclopedia for the galaxy.

Each time I would point out a star, he could point out the constellation it was part of, or what star it was if he could name it. He also would point out to me the planets that were visible to the naked eye. He also kept apologizing to me, thinking he was talking too much about it and that he was annoying me, but I actually found it quite fascinating. It made him even more charming if I'm being honest.

I kept feeling this weird jolt in my stomach all night long. Every time Harry would scoot closer to me to point out a star in my direct line of vision, I felt it. Each time he grabbed my hand to help point it out and make it easier to see, I felt it. Each time he would look at me and smile or laugh, I felt it. Every time his shoulder, arm, foot or leg would brush against me, I felt it. I don't know what it is, or what it means, but it's there and I can't shake it.