I'm sorry, but this is my fate
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.
———
The wind whistled harshly today, leaving my light brown hair a tangled mess, not that it would matter much longer anyways. I gazed out to the forestry green scenery beneath me, taking in the view one last time before I never had to see it again.
I couldn't wait until I never had to see it again.
I paced back and forth across this old bridge at least three times, giving myself a lot of time to think before finally deciding to come to a halt towards the left end of it. I dropped myself to a sitting position, hidden from the road behind some steel beams. I sat up tall with my legs dangling over the edge, alternating kicking my feet so the heels of my shoes lightly tapped the rusted steel below me.
Letting out a silent breath, I began to reminisce about my life, trying my absolute hardest to uncover a reason to stay. A 'Why I shouldn't'. As usual, nothing came to mind. My brain was a blank sheet of paper. Nothing was there. It was so hard to form a single thought nowadays, forcing myself to exert so much energy and effort on something that should be as simple as thinking, but for me it felt trying to accomplish the impossible.
What most people consider simple tasks, like doing laundry, or showering or eating, feels like the hardest thing in the world.
Getting out of bed in the morning felt like trying to sit up with two thousand bricks laying on my chest, prohibiting me from moving, but still being expected to get up anyway. And it's something I'm supposed to do every day. However, there are some days I just stay in bed because the pressure is too much, and I physically cannot force myself to move.
One last time, I work my brain, trying to find absolutely any reason at all to stay. Did I have a friend who needed me? No, I've lost them all. They've all abandoned me. Did I have a family member who would miss me? No, my family is dead. May as well join them. Maybe I'd be happier when we reunite. Did I have a partner who'd lose their other half if anything were to happen to me? No, because he left me too. No one gave me the time of day anymore.
I wasn't worth their time, not that I blame them. I'm not worth anyone's time.
I made this decision a long time ago. This was not a hasty reaction to an inconvenience that happened to have occurred in my life. This was an arrangement I had plotted for months on end. When I would, where I would, how I would. I gave a lot of thought to this, and I was confident and comfortable in my decision. I was finally ready.
I was ready to let go and say goodbye.
I was ready to be free.
I was so tired of the constant push and pull life had put me through. Life, for me, feels like pushing a rectangular boulder up an incredibly steep hill, only to get less than halfway up before losing my grip and the boulder is knocking me down and bulldozing over me. Meanwhile there's people walking up the hill, a staircase carved into their path, carrying a small stone in the palm of their hand and wondering why I'm having such a hard time making it up the hill since it's so easy for them.
Some of those people are even criticizing me as well for not trying as hard as I can to make it up the hill, even though I've pushed that boulder up as high as I can go more times than I can count. But they don't know that. They don't see that. They just assume that since it's easy for them, it's easy for everyone.
Who wants to live a life constantly feeling like that? Not me, not anymore.
I knew this bridge very well. I knew how far a drop it was, just over 200 feet. I knew what time it would have the most traffic and when it would have the least since I did have to drive across it on the bus each day to get to and from where I've been living and my high school. And every day I crossed it I was thinking about if that was the day I would finally let go. If that was the day I would finally put action behind my thoughts.
Well, today is that day.
The eleventh of April.
I thought it had a nice ring to it.
April 11th was surely here, the day it would finally be over, and the wave of relief knowing that it would all be over soon was so intense. Sitting on the edge of this bridge brought me more comfort than anything in my life ever had before. Reveling in that feeling of comfort, I knew it was time now.
I stood up from where I was seated and glanced around one last time, wind still blowing in my hair. There had been a few cars that drove past me, but this was also a common spot for people to come and stargaze, so I'm sure no one thought much of anything for me being here. Not that I think they can see me from where I stood, but even if they did, no one would have cared anyways.
I could hear some noises around me, though there weren't too many at this time of night. It had just turned 11:30 pm, so the pedestrian conversations had died out, and now all I could really hear was the humming of car engines from behind and below me, and some neighborhood dogs barking a bit. It was so weird to me thinking about how all of these houses I could see had people living in them without a worry in the world. They were happy as far as anyone could tell. And tomorrow, they'd go about their day having no idea a teenage girl jumped to her death from not too far away.
The reason I chose this spot, one, is for its height. I knew it would work. There was no way anyone could survive the impact to the ground from a jump this high. And two, it would be the least disruptive option. I wouldn't be an inconvenience or a burden to anyone since no one would have to walk in on me or find me afterwards. On this side of the bridge, I'd be jumping basically into a forest. Maybe an animal would find me first, eat me. Maybe then I'd be deemed useful having been dinner to a potentially hungry animal.
Too bad I wouldn't be around to know if I was useful or not. This really was the perfect place. I'm surprised more people haven't chosen this spot.
I took a step closer to the edge of this bridge and I shut my eyes, inhaling a sharp breath and holding it in my lungs before letting the air back out. I open my eyes and catch a glimpse of a flashy light. It was gone as quickly as it came. I look down and realize it was simply a car's headlight reflection off of the Pandora bracelet on my right wrist causing a small shine.
My brows furrowed together and my lips turned into a deep frown. I used my left hand to unclasp the bracelet and I gently placed it on the ledge. I didn't want to destroy the bracelet if I could help it. I couldn't let the last thing I do on Earth be ruining that bracelet. It was a bracelet my father had gotten for me when I was born, knowing it'd eventually fit around my wrist with time. He told me it was his mother's bracelet and he wanted me to keep it safe and protect it for him and for her. He died not long after that.
So, I protected that bracelet with my life. I never took it off, I was too afraid to lose it. Losing my dad was hard enough, I didn't want to lose the only piece of him I had left.
If my dad was still alive, maybe I wouldn't be standing on this ledge. Maybe I would have had a normal childhood, not one that consisted of living in a foster home with other orphaned children, or children who have parents who can't take care of them. Maybe I would have had someone to talk to, to tell them when I'm feeling sad. Maybe I would have made better friends at school. Maybe I would have been happy. Maybe. But I guess I'll never know.
Once I placed the bracelet down, I shrugged the olive green jacket off my shoulders. I set it down next to the bracelet, leaving me in just a thin purple T-shirt and thin black leggings. Tattered black sneakers were home to my feet.
Standing on this ledge in the last few moments of my tragic life, I looked up at the moon. It shone so brightly in the sky, illuminating the night. It was beautiful. If there was one thing I was going to miss, I was going to miss the moon.
Shutting my eyes one last time, I was ready.
It was time.
Hey!
I took in my final breath in, knowing I would exhale it on my way down and took the last step that brought me as close to the edge as I could get and I dangled my left foot over the edge, preparing to take my final step.
Hey, stop!
I opened my eyes and turned my head to the right and saw someone sprinting towards me. I placed my foot back on the ground and turned my body away from the person and I looked down to my feet, not wanting to make eye contact.
I could hear the person's heavy footsteps getting closer, and becoming less frequent meaning they had approached me and had come to a stop. I continue to look down at my feet, pulling at my hangnails with my fingertips. I wasn't embarrassed to have been caught, but slightly dismayed.
"What are you doing?" The person had a deep, accented voice, blatantly obvious that he wasn't from around here in Portland, but from somewhere over in England, and he spoke rather slowly. He also sounded out of breath considering he just ran towards me for who knows how long.
I squeezed my eyes shut and slowly shook my head. I think it was quite obvious what I was doing. However I chose to not be so blunt with my answer to spare him.
"Um, nothing. Just having a midnight stroll. Nothing to see here," I lift my head as I spoke, but looked to my left towards the trees, still avoiding eye contact with him.
"Oh, okay. I am too. Mind if I join you then?" He moved his body to try to stand a bit more in front of me, but it was a bit hard since I was still so close to the edge.
I bit my inside of my cheek and looked back down at my shoes. I knew what he was trying to do. I knew he was trying to get me to stay. I couldn't help but feel guilty though. Would I hurt his feelings if I jumped? Would he be upset with me?
No, of course not. You don't even know him. He doesn't know you. Just humor him for now.
I hesitantly turn my head towards his body and look up to him in the corner of my eyes. I first look at his feet, homed in a pair of black converse, very loosely tied. He wore a pair of black skinny jeans with holes in the knees and a simple white T-shirt with a pocket stitched on the left side of his chest. A dark maroon red checkered flannel covered his arms, keeping him warn from the chill of the night.
My eyes stayed on his chest for another second longer before finally glancing up to his face. He was much taller than me, so I craned my neck to properly look at him. He was easily one of the most aesthetically pleasing people I had ever seen. His curly chestnut hair was tied around his head with a red bandana. Some loose strands falling out to frame his seemingly perfect face. His chiseled jawline was as prominent as a sunflower in a rose garden. His powder white complexion was noticeably smooth. But what stuck out most was his extraordinarily green eyes. They were captivatingly beautiful and I easily got lost in them. I couldn't help but think I had seen him before.
I guess I didn't realize I had been staring for so long because his voice snapped me out of the daze I had fallen into.
"What's your name?" He looked at me with his eyebrows furrowed together, worry etched on his face.
"Why do you care?" I shrug my shoulders and return my eyes to their original position of watching the greenery in front of me, crossing my arms over my chest.
I hear him shuffle his feet on the pavement before he says, "I'm curious. Plus, I recognize you. You go to Parkview High, don't you?"
I snap my head back at him and squinted my eyes. My mouth was parted in slight shock.
"How did you know that?" I get a bit defensive, but it's not something I can help. I don't really like when people know things about me. It makes me uncomfortable because I've gone so long without anyone ever talking to me, or even wanting to talk to me.
His lips quirk into a soft smile before saying, "Well, like I said, I recognize you. I was sure I had seen you before, so I assumed it was at school."
He takes a small step closer to me, getting almost in front of me so I'm forced to take a step backwards getting further away from the ledge.
"My name is Macey," I quietly say after a moment of internal debate, keeping my eyes focused on his. Looking into his eyes should be intimidating, and I'm sure for some people it is, considering his beauty and the intensity of his stare. The eye contact he holds in strong, determined, focused. But, I can't really find it in me to feel anything besides numb.
"That's a beautiful name, Macey. It's so nice to meet you. My name is Harry." He extends his arm out with his palm tilted to the side, expecting me to shake his hand. I look to his hand and back to his face, hesitating for just a moment before I reach my hand out, wrapping it around his own and shaking it. I'm not sure why I'm even giving him my attention, knowing it won't last much longer.
"So, about that midnight stroll. Can I join you?" He looks at me with hope filling his features. I don't know why, but before I even realize it, I'm nodding my head and taking a step towards him and he keeps my hand in his.
"Wonderful. I was really hoping you would say yes." He smiles at me and begins to walk away from the ledge and towards the pedestrian pathway.
I want to ask him what he wants from me. There's no way he actually just wants to walk with me. Sure, he may recognize me from school, I might even recognize him too, but we don't know each other. Maybe he's being nice because he didn't want to carry the guilt of seeing someone about to kill themselves and knowing he did nothing to try and stop them. Great, because then I would be a burden on him, but being a burden is something I'm very used to at this point.
Doesn't mean I'm okay with it, though.
We walk for a few moments in silence, the only noise coming from the two cars that had driven past, and he eventually lets go of my hand and my arm takes its place back at my side.
It's quiet for a few more moments before I finally speak up to ask, "So, why did you want to walk with me? You may not know me, but I'm not really great company. I'm sure you'd be better off walking on your own."
"Are you kidding me? That's not true. You seem like amazing company. Honestly, you seem like the kind of person who can hold incredible conversations, conversations no one would ever get tired of having," He scoffs and lets a wide smile take over his lips, showcasing deep dimples on his cheeks. He nudges my shoulder as he speaks which makes me look at him.
Well, that's obviously not true, but again, I'll humor him for now.
"C'mon, Macey. I know this great coffee shop just a few blocks down the road once we get off this bridge. Do you wanna come with me, maybe we can talk?"
I hadn't suddenly forgotten what I was about to do just a few minutes ago. I still very much planned on completing the task once Harry left me alone, that didn't change and it won't change. I just thought maybe I could set it on the back burner for now and entertain this conversation he apparently wants to have.
And besides, I felt obligated to say yes. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to speak with me, and if I rejected him, I would feel so remorseful knowing I had let yet another person down. I didn't want that. So after a few more moments of my silence, I found myself giving him a small smile, the first smile to have danced across my lips in days, and nodding my head.
"Okay."
_______
Well, you made it through the first chapter.
If you're returning, thank you so much for coming on this journey again. If you're new, I can't wait to take you on this journey.
Whoever you are, thank you for giving me and my story and chance.
All my love to you, erie xo
(visuals of the babies)
(boards made by holyjade :))