Therapy
"So... Who would like to start?"
It felt like Ivy had done something bad and was now being interrogated about it. But maybe it was because Dr. Raynors had decided to hold this session in an interrogation room. It really wasn't the best place to hold a therapy session, especially after all that had happened in the last few days. Ivy tried not to shift too much in her chair as she placed her hands under her thighs to keep from fumbling too much with her them. She felt Bucky's hand squeeze her thigh and looked to her right to see him staring in Dr. Raynor's direction, who was sitting across the table from them. It was really no surprise to Ivy by now that she had to sit between Sam and Bucky once again.
"All right, look, Dr. Raynor? I get it, why you want me to talk to Freaky Magoo and Miss stabby stab stab over here. But I'm 100% fine" Sam broke the silence and gave the couple a few nicknames that the two didn't seem to like. It was very easy to tell by the looks the two were throwing in his direction. "It is my job to make sure that you're okay. And so, yeah, this may be slightly unprofessional," Ivy coughed on purpose at the part, which made Bucky stifle a smile. "- but it's the only way that I can see if you're getting over whatever's eating at you," Dr. Raynors finished her sentence, despite the small interruption. She gave Ivy a meaningful look, which she shook off with a small innocent smile.
"This is ridiculous," Sam replied, and probably for the first time, all three agreed. "Yeah. I agree" Bucky muttered while Ivy nodded "Till now the only sentence that actually made sense" she muttered, clasping her hands in front of her chest as she leaned a little deeper into her chair. "See? Making progress already. So, who wants to go first?" asked Dr. Raynors, but no one said anything or made any sign of wanting to say anything. "No volunteers? Wow. How surprising." Ivy and Bucky gave each other an amused look that Dr. Raynors didn't find funny at all. "Okay. We're going to do an exercise. It's something I use with couples when they are trying to figure out what kind of life they wanna build together. Are you familiar with the miracle question?" she asked, and the trio looked at her either confused or with furrowed brows.
"Absolutely not."
"Of course not."
"Why do I have to be here for this when it's a couples exercise and there's already a couple sitting right in front of you?" grumbled Sam, hoping to escape from this session. "You're here because the problem involves all three of you" Dr. Raynors didn't seem to intend to let him get out of here, which also left Sam offended sink more into his chair. "And it goes like this. Suppose that while you're sleeping, a miracle occurs. When you wake up, what is something that you would like to see that would make your life better?"
"In my miracle, he would... he would talk less" Bucky pointed to Sam and he turned to him indignantly. "Exactly what I was gonna say. Isn't that ironic?" he asked sarcastically, to which Bucky smiled sarcastically at him. "I'd be a unicorn" muttered Ivy from the middle, causing the two to look at her in confusion and amusement. "Why?" asked Sam, confused, and Ivy shrugged. "I could stab people with my horn if they got on my nerves." Bucky next to her tried not to laugh, while Sam looked at her distraught. "Dude, in my next life, I'm not going to be friends with you. You scare me" Sam said, which made Ivy smile smoothly at him.
"You guys are leaving me with no choice. It's time for the soul-gazing exercise" said Dr. Raynors, who had been watching the whole thing with daring eyes probably noticing that none of the three were even trying to make an effort. "I like this one better" said Bucky sarcastically, his face mirroring his tone. "Oh, God. He's gonna love this" Sam muttered annoyed and Ivy smiled to herself in amusement. "Yeah, I'm ready and are you?" Bucky asked Ivy who just smiled at him in amusement as she couldn't take his fake motivation seriously right now. "This is right up your alley" said Sam and Dr. Raynors cleared her throat a little annoyed. The three of them were acting worse than little kids right now. "Turn around. Face each other" said the therapist while the trio or rather Sam and Bucky were still talking.
"You should really enjoy this."
"I'm going to."
"I know you are."
"Yeah."
"Face each other," Dr. Raynors repeated, causing the three to finally turn their chairs toward each other so they were sitting in a triangle. "Let's do it. Let's stare!" Bucky said with false enthusiasm, on the one hand to further agitate Sam and on the other to maintain the smile on Ivy's face that she had been failing to hide for a few minutes. "Get close," Raynors said, and Bucky grabbed Ivy's chair to pull her a little closer to him, while Sam moved a little closer to them on his own. "This is a good exercise. Thanks, Doc." Ivy, meanwhile, had to blink to get rid of the tears that were trying to escape her as much as the laughter in her throat. Bucky's Vibarnium arm grabbed one of Ivy's thighs and threw it over his leg so the two were almost sitting on top of each other.
"All right, good. All right, Sam get closer. Come on, a little closer. Bucky, leave Ivy alone. You don't have to put her on top of you!" sighed Raynor annoyed, to which Bucky gave her a look that was supposed to say something like "Then where's the point?". "I don't want to get near those two" Sam said a little louder, which made Ivy roll her eyes and grab his chair, pushing it a little closer to them. "Which way you want to go? Right or left?" Bucky asked him as their knees bumped against each other. "Do you have to have your legs open? You know what? Fine. Here. You happy now?" Sam moved one of his legs between Bucky's and sat so close to them that there was no room for Ivy's other leg, so she bent it and put it under her ass.
"All right."
"All right."
"Good. Fine."
"We're locked in. "
"I don't like it. I need my personal space."
"That's a little close," Bucky agreed with Ivy, though he only objected to Sam being so close to them. If Dr. Raynors hadn't stopped him, Ivy would be sitting on his lap right now. "Very close. That's what you wanted, right?" asked Sam, upset, pointing back and forth between the three of them. "Guys. Good. Now look at each other. You need to look at each other in the eyes. There, you see? That wasn't so hard." What Dr. Raynors didn't seem to notice for the moment was that Sam and Bucky had started a staring contest going on, while Ivy had secretly taken out one of her knives and was playing around with it during the staring contest between the two men. "Wait, what are you doing? Are you having a staring contest? Ivy put the knife away!" she said sternly, which made Ivy roll her eyes and put the knife away. "Just blink" Raynors seemed to be at her wits end, especially when she snapped her fingers in front of Sam's and Bucky's faces, causing them both to blink. "Sweet Jesus. All right, James, why does Sam aggravate you? And don't say something childish."
"Why did you give up that shield?" asked Bucky after a few seconds, staring Sam squarely in the eye. Ivy's own eyes moved to Sam, who crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Why are you making such a big deal out of something that has nothing to do with you?" he replied instead of answering Bucky's question. "Steve believed in you. He trusted you. He gave you that shield for a reason. That shield, that is... that is everything he stood for. That is his legacy. He gave you that shield, and you threw it away like it was nothing," Bucky replied, and Ivy reached for his hand as his voice began to tremble. Sam may not like to understand why the matter was so important to Bucky, but Ivy did.
"Shut up," Sam said, which this time also made Ivy give him a warning look. He could at least try to listen to why it was so important to Bucky. "So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me" Bucky said, his voice breaking at the end, which made Ivy clench his hand with both of hers. She didn't know how this exercise was going to help them, because somehow it felt like everything was getting worse. "You finished?" Sam seemed to shrug off Bucky's words, making Ivy mutter his name in warning as Bucky breathed heavily, trying to calm down again. "Yeah." He glanced over at Ivy briefly and smiled gently at her, though she could tell he was only doing it to make her feel better, which produced the opposite.
"All right, good. Maybe this is something you, Ivy or Steve will never understand. But can you accept that I did what I thought was right?" Sam asked before scoffing angrily. "You know what, Doc? I don't have time for this. We have some real serious shit going on. So how about this? I will squash it right now. We go deal with that, and when we're done, we both can go on separate, long vacations and never see each other again" Sam said, pointing at Bucky, as he still cared about his friendship with Ivy at least. However, his words, even if not directed at Ivy, still hurt her.
"I like that" Bucky agreed with him, which made Ivy lean deeper into her chair as her face became an unreadable mask. "Great. Well, let's get to work. Thanks, Doc, for making it weird. I feel much better. I'll see you outside," Sam said, ready to get up from the chair if it weren't for Dr. Raynor's words, "Don't you want to know what Ivy's opinion is on the whole thing?" Ivy's eyes widened a little as the therapist addressed her silence. She sat up a little straighter and let go of Bucky's hand as she wrapped her arms around herself. "I have nothing to say about this" she said in a firm voice, which almost made Dr. Raynor roll her eyes.
"You never do, do you? Sam, Bucky, do you two know about the last five years? About the budding nightmares, the panic attacks, the alcohol thing and the-" "That's enough!" yelled Ivy, before Dr. Raynors would tell more about her than Ivy cared to. There were some things even Bucky didn't know, and she'd rather it stay that way. "I don't see the point in talking about this" she said in a firmer and somewhat calm voice as her hands gripped the seat of the chair and her knuckles turned white from it.
"What's going on right now?" asked Sam, confused, while Bucky seemed to be analyzing Ivy, trying to figure out what had her so upset. Her eyes were wide and her chest was rising and falling in rapid movements, while the tips of her fingers were a little covered with ice. It was no small thing that had upset Ivy so much. "The first step to healing is seeking help and the second is being able to talk openly about your problems, Ivy," Dr. Raynors said which made Ivy shake her head in bewilderment as she laughed dryly. "You have something of a duty of silence. You're not going to break it to lose your job" Ivy said as she gave the therapist a warning look. She shouldn't have taken those sessions after all, it was only getting her into more trouble now.
"I'm not going to tell them, you are" Dr. Raynors replied, which made Ivy get up from the chair with a scoff. "I'm done here." She quickly left the room and grabbed Buddy's dog leash from the hand of the police officer she had asked to watch him. With furious steps, she left the police station and raced out to hide in some corner. She didn't get far, though, as her day decided to only get worse. "Ivy!" "Get out of my way, John," Ivy warned, letting her eyes sparkle silver as she did so. She had a lot of bad ideas right now, and turning John Walker into an ice stature was one of those things.
"Hey, hey, hey, who got you all worked up?" he asked, reaching out and grabbing her arm, letting go of it quickly and hissing when it was ice cold. Her body started going crazy, making her an unstable bomb. "I think she got her point across pretty well" snarled Bucky, moving to stand behind Ivy with an angry glare. His hand carefully grabbed hers from behind and Ivy's body immediately let the coldness go so as not to hurt him. "Gentlemen. Good to see you again. Look, if we divide ourselves, we don't stand a chance, you guys know that" John seemed to want to pretend that nothing had happened between them. And thought that just because he had gotten Bucky out of jail, they would change their minds about him. But he couldn't buy them into being friends with him.
"What do you have?" asked Sam, sighing, as the trio agreed to get out of here as quickly as possible. "Well, the leader's name's Karli Morgenthau. We've been targeting civilians who've been helping Karli move from place to place" John told and Lermar jumped in, "They geotagged a location, then scrambled the signal. But our satellites have found their symbol popping up in various displaced communities all across Central and Eastern Europe." Ivy began to calm down as Bucky's warm hand squeezed hers and his fingers began to play with hers. "We think that she's taking the medicine she just stole to one of these camps," John added.
"Well, there are hundreds of those all over the planet since The Blip. So I guess you'll have to look real hard" Bucky replied, not even trying to sound polite or nice. All he wanted right now was to get out of here with Ivy and try to figure out what was wrong with her and how he could help her. "Good thing I have 20/20 vision, huh?" replied John arrogantly, which only made Ivy look more annoyed. "Where is she now, Walker? Do you know?" asked Bucky in a raised voice, which made John imitate his tone. "No, we don't know, Bucky. It's only a matter of time before we find out."
"By retracing our steps again? Cause you guys only seem to succeed that way," Ivy muttered, which John definitely didn't seem to like. But he didn't dare to say anything to her, because only the glare of Bucky was enough to scare someone away. Ivy herself didn't even try to look threatening, but was it anyway. Maybe that's exactly why some people feared her more, because she didn't even have to try to look scary to be taken seriously.
"Take it easy. Look, Walker's right" Sam stepped between them, not wanting to give Ivy and Bucky the idea of attacking the men who were clearly at a disadvantage and making a scene not even a hundred yards from the police station. It was something he trusted them to do. "It is imperative that we find them and stop them. But you guys have rules of engagement and all kind of authorizations you have to get. We're free agents. We're more flexible. So it wouldn't make sense for us to work with you." Those were the words Ivy had been waiting for. She turned wordlessly around and walked past John and Lermar with Bucky at her side, who refused to let go of her hand. Sam followed them and seemed to exhale in relief when no fists flew through the air. "A word of advice, then. Stay the hell out of my way!" shouted Walker angrily after them, which made Ivy laugh in amusement.
"Oh, we're not the desperate ones here."
~°~
Ivy caught part of Bucky and Sam's conversation as the two walked behind her. The two men gave her her wanted space and didn't ask her about the incident with Dr. Raynors while the three of them made their way to a small hotel where they would spend the night since none of them were willing to drive now. Ivy knew that now that Bucky knew she was hiding something from him the truth might come out and she would have to tell him about it. Not even Pietro knew about it and he had been living with her for the last five years. Natasha knew, though, not because Ivy had freely told her, but because she had found out by accident. She knew, however, that Natasha would never tell anyone her secret, even Steve, if he asked. Her secret was safe with the red-haired woman.
"No, he meant HYDRA. HYDRA used to be my people" Ivy heard Bucky say during his conversation with Sam and turned around sullenly "Not a chance, Barnes. Stop talking shit. Before I make you sleep on the couch!" she threatened, causing Sam to mutter, "You heard her." The two men talked about their post-test approach and their practically hopeless situation, in the context of Isaiah's words. "Walker doesn't have any leads" Bucky said, preparing them both for what was on his mind. Ivy had a suspicion of what he was thinking about and she didn't like it at all.
"I know where you're going with this, no" said Sam. Ivy agreed with him on this one and stopped in front of the entrance of the small hotel while she waited for the two men to catch up with her. "He knows all of HYDRA's secrets. Don't you remember Siberia?" asked Bucky as he stopped next to Ivy so that he could see the scowl on her face even better. "You mean when he tried to have us kill each other after blaming you for a terrorist attack he caused? That guy is a psychopath!" said Ivy, and Sam nodded.
"Couldn't agree with her more. And what are you going to do anyway? You're just gonna go sit in a room with this guy?" asked Sam skeptically and the two of them looked at Bucky waiting as he seemed to hestitate with his answer. "Yes" he stretched the word a bit and since Ivy was in a bad mood anyway and didn't want to argue with him, she wordlessly walked into the small hotel. It was nothing expensive, rather the closest hotel they could find. They would only spend one night here anyway.
She stood in front of the front desk and heard Bucky and Sam join her a few seconds later, again leaving her standing in the middle. "How can I help the three of you?" asked an older lady behind the front desk, smiling kindly at the trio. She was perhaps in her forties and had short red hair that fell around her shoulders. Her brown eyes wandered curiously over the trio and even if she recognized them, she said nothing and continued to remain professional. "We'd like two rooms for one night, if it's possible" Ivy said politely, trying to smile a little, though you could probably tell how tired or done she was with the day.
"Any extra requests?" the woman asked as she took Ivy's ID to put the rooms on her name while Bucky and Sam got out their wallets to pay right now since they probably wouldn't have time in the morning. "No, no extra requests" Ivy said, smiling gratefully at the woman as she held out her ID and the two room keys to her. "Have a nice stay then." The trio murmured, "Thank you," and took quick steps up the stairs to find their rooms.
"I'll see you guys in the morning!" shouted Sam to them before ducking into his room and letting the door fall shut behind him. "Good night," Ivy murmured after him before entering her own hotel room herself with Bucky and Buddy. She immediately let Buddy off the leash, which made him run off excitedly to explore the room. Yawning, Ivy took off her jacket and shoes to flop face-first onto the bed. Bucky, to her surprise, didn't follow suit and leaned with his side against the closet in front of the bed, looking at her thoughtfully.
"Will you tell me what's going on so I know what to do, because this situation is stressing me out!?" he broke the silence, watching as Ivy buried her head under a pillow and mumbled something under her breath. "Can we please not..." muttered Ivy tiredly. Bucky's jaw tightened as he didn't take his eyes off her and continued to stare. "Then what do you want me to do, Ivy? Pretend that this session didn't take place today and ignore what looks like one of your problems?" he asked, upset. He didn't like it at all that she kept one of her problems from him and wouldn't share it with him. Especially since he had thought they were finally at the point where they could talk more openly about their problems.
"It's not a big deal-"
"Then why don't you just tell me what the deal is, Ivy?" he snarled, pushing away from the closet to walk over to her. He took the pillow down from her head and tossed it to the other end of the hotel room before turning her around on her back despite her protests. He didn't like not being able to see her face while they talked, especially if it was serious business. Ivy didn't seem to like his maneuver as she had purposely avoided eye contact with him and was now forced to look into the blue storm of his eyes. It made her feel naked, as if he could see right through her. She didn't like it, didn't like being so vulnerable.
"It's-"
"The truth, Ivy, or we can drop the whole conversation right now" he interrupted her when she opened her mouth in a renewed attempt to skirt the issue. It only frustrated both of them more and Ivy sat up angrily before pushing herself out of his grip and getting up from the bed. It was clear to both of them that Bucky had given in at that moment, as she wouldn't be able to get out of his super-soldier grip at all without using her powers. Bucky remained sitting on the bed as his eyes followed her around the room, watching as she sighed and buried her face in her hands, throwing her head back a little.
"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course I trust you!" Ivy almost shouted, turning to face him in one swift motion. She looked at him stunned, as if she couldn't believe he had just asked her such a thing. "Then why can't you tell me what's going on? When did I ever leave you alone with a problem?" Bucky also asked in a slightly raised voice, yet not loud enough to classify it as yelling. He got up from the bed, unable to sit still at the moment as it only made him lose his mind even more. She was making him lose his mind. "You're not the problem here, Barnes. I am" Ivy pointed angrily at herself, not knowing how else to describe the problem. She couldn't just bring herself to tell him or anyone else about it.
"And you're my problem! Your problems are therefore automatically my problems!" retorted Bucky. Ivy plucked at her hair and bit the inside of her cheek as Bucky approached her at that moment. "Damn it, Ivy! At least tell me something!" he said almost desperately, and by now Ivy was looking desperately at anything but him. "I...I can't." She heard Bucky take a deep breath and saw out of the corner of her eye that his Vibranium hand, had clenched into a fist. He seemed to be trying hard not to punch a hole into the wall.
Before things could escalate more, Ivy decided to go outside and create some space between the two. She didn't even make it over to her shoes, though, as she was turned back to Bucky midway through her walk. "I'm not letting you go outside now" Bucky said sternly, adding before she could open her mouth to protest, "It's dark, cold, you're angry and tired. If you want me to go out to put distance between us, say so and I'll go out. I won't let you go out in this condition, though." She had been ready to fall asleep a few minutes ago and he didn't doubt that she would just sit down outside somewhere and fall asleep there.
"I'm not going to throw you out, Bucky," she whispered, looking up into his blue eyes that had their sole focus on her. It would only make her feel worse, especially since all he really wanted to do was help her. She was making it unnecessarily complicated and she hated herself right now. "Look, we don't have to talk about this now if you're not ready. Raynors clearly caught you off guard and upset you. Just please tell me what I can do now to make you feel better" Bucky said softly, running his hands slowly and gently up and down her arms. Ivy closed her eyes and enjoyed his touch, which was feather light despite the vibranium arm. "Just hold me, please" she whispered, opening her eyes to see Bucky nodding gently.
"Okay" His hands grabbed her waist and gently lifted her up so she could wrap her legs around his waist and hang onto him with her arms around his neck like a koala bear. Ivy played with his hair as he walked them both over to the double bed and carefully laid them both down. They didn't change position and Bucky's grip around her even tightened a little as she buried her head in his neck and her fingers clutched the fabric of his t-shirt. "I love you" he whispered against her hair and pressed a kiss to it, making Ivy's eyes moisten slightly. "I love you more" she whispered back, reminding herself that this was real and he wasn't going to disappear from her hands. He wouldn't disappear anywhere, just as she wouldn't.