WARNING: MENTIONS OF INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT, INCLUDING DIRTY HUMOR! NOTHING EXPLICIT! RATED PG-13! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
The Gang's Shennanigans
Mike: Chip won't come out of his room!
Jawa: Just tell him I said something stupid.
Mike: Stupid?
Jawa: Factually incorrect.
[a few minutes later...]
Chip: (bursts into room) DID YOU JUST SAY THAT COMMUNISM IS A GOOD IDEA?!?
Jawa: Behold: the M107 .50-cal anti-material rifle. Some call it overpowered, some call it a pain, I call it "The Universal Delete Button."
Chip: (wheezing laughter)
Hank: *over the phone* So, how's vacation?
Chip: Well, right now, Jawa's teaching me how to be a sniper with a .50-cal! It's awesome!
Claire: (cries in European)
Chip: Okay, guys, get ready. We need to defend my house until backup arrives. (opens bedroom closet, then safe)
Zoe: ... you have an M240?!?
Chip: ... you don't?
Jawa: Why am I not surprised?
Most anyone: Chip, no.
Chip: Chip, yes!
Jawa, Cyrus, Chip's eventual wife: Chip, no.
Chip: Chip, maybe?
Mr. and Mrs. Schacter: Chip, no.
Chip: Yes sir/ma'am. (stops immediately)
James Mattis, Chesty Puller, Jesus: Chip, no.
Chip: AYE, SIR! (stops and snaps to attention)
Ben: I called you eleven times! What were you doing last night?
Mike: Homework, what else?
Zoe: Morning, boys!
Ben: Morning, homework.
Cyrus: How are you not dead?
Ben: (bleeding from all of his limbs, torso, and head) I have no idea!
Catherine: *confused screaming*
Mike: Do we even weigh anything to you?
Chip: (carrying Mike, Ben, Jawa, Erica, and Zoe with ease) Naw, it's like holdin' a couple o' grapes.
Chip: Good grief! CCTV shows that Jessica was shot by a sniper while she was waiting on Ben for their date!
Erica: Oh no! (closes her rifle case)
Chip: Hey, guys, why did the chicken cross the road? 'Cause someone didn't cook it! (laughs deliriously before collapsing)
Jawa: And this, everyone, is why you don't try to stay up for 72 hours straight to study for exams.
How everyone else lifts: (uses actual weights)
How Chip lifts: (picks up the nearest person)
Jawa: (being curled by Chip) This is the THIRTEENTH TIME—
Chip: Hey, Jawa? You know how you like spicy food?
Jawa: Yeah, why?
Chip: Well, spicy stuff is painful! Why do you like it?
Jawa: I mean, yeah, it burns, but that's why I like it! It adds energy to the dish!
Mike: So you're saying that people who like spicy food are masochists?
Chip: ...
Ben: ...
Jawa: ...
Chip: Oh...
Ben: ... my...
Jawa: ... gosh...
The boys: (pondering life)
Erica: (looking at camera) And I thought other girls were difficult to understand!
Alexander: Gentlemen, in my experience, it's impossible to understand women, and it isn't worth trying, save for perhaps the one you love most. Women understand other women, and they hate each other!
Ben, Chip, Jawa, Mike: *flashbacks to Erica, Zoe, Ashley, and Jessica catfights* Yeah, that sounds about right.
Erica: Did you know that, on average, women live longer than men?
Zoe: Huh, I wonder why...
[meanwhile with the boys...]
Mike: Okay, just keep that apple on your head, Jawa! Ben, teach me how to be a sniper! (loads .50-cal rifle)
Jawa: (mutters) Note to self: never play Mario Kart with Mike again...
Chip: (standing behind the firing line with a camera) Everyone got eyes and ears? If so, the cams are ready!
Rangemaster: *incoherent screeching*
Jawa: You can't just solve all your problems with suppressive fire!
Chip: (dual-wielding M249 SAWs) I can try!
Mike: (holds up wheel of cheese) I ordered a wheel of Swiss cheese! Not cheddar!
Chip: Swiss cheese has holes, right? Well... (holds up M249) I can fix that!
Ben and Jawa: Chip NO—
Chip: For my next trick, I'LL SAW THESE TRAITORS IN HALF! (holds up M249)
Everyone else: Chip WE NEED THEM ALIVE—
Joshua, Murray, Ashley, Warren: *confused screaming*
Jawa: A few well-placed shots is just as effective as a bunch of poorly-placed shots. The former is more efficient, using less rounds than the latter while possessing the same effectiveness. Thus, a few bursts is better than laying down continuous fire.
Chip: News flash: I don't care. (proceeds to destroy everything with an M134 minigun)
Everyone else at the practice range: ...
Jawa: BOI!
Chip: I got a hot date tonight!
Ben: I legitimately thought the day would never come.
Jawa: *sing-song voice* It ain't what you think...
Mike: So, who's the lucky girl?
Chip: (lifts M60E6 general purpose machine gun) This is my gal... we're gonna have a good time at the range... (stares lovingly at machine gun)
Jawa: Why am I not surprised?
Jawa: Some people ship Berica... some ship Zen... some ship Zike. Me? I ship Chun.
Zoe: What the heck is "Chun?"
Jawa: (points towards Chip)
Chip: (talking sultrily to his gun while performing maintenance on it)
Jawa: You're out on the street, and a threat appears. What do you do?
Chip: Use my concealed carry weapon as needed.
Jawa: Okay, now what if you don't have your CCW?
Chip: Why wouldn't I have my CCW with me? It's literally part of my everyday carry!
Jawa: Answer the question.
Chip: Fine. I'd pull out my hatchet and go to town.
Jawa: How the hell do you have a hatchet concealed on your person?
Chip: I JUST DO!
Jawa: Your parents are Marines, right?
Chip: (while eating a crayon) How did you know?!?
Cyrus: I like my coffee black, like my operations.
Waitress: ... sir, this is a truck stop diner, not the CIA.
Chip: If she ain't got faith, trigger discipline, and muzzle discipline, she ain't worth your time, boys.
Instructor: ... sir, this is a health class, not a dating seminar.
Catfights
Zoe: (seething) Four months...
Jawa: What the—?
Erica: (smiling) Don't worry about it.
Zoe: You watched me water a fake plant... FOR FOUR MONTHS!
[catfight intensifies]
Zoe: Today's trash day!
Erica: They dedicated an entire day to you?
[catfight intensifies]
Zoe: Agh! I got an F on my homework?
Erica: Why do you sound so surprised?
[catfight intensifies]
Zoe: The world is flat!
Erica: It really isn't...
Zoe: But you're my world!
[catfight intensifies]
Zoe: (sprays Erica's butt with cleaner)
Erica: WHAT THE CRAP, ZOE?!?
Zoe: It says "for flat surfaces only."
[catfight intensifies]
Erica: (looking at some old photos) Not gonna lie, I'm not sure what I was thinking when I wore skin-tight clothing.
Zoe: Yeah, it did nothing for your ass.
Erica: I wasn't asking for your opinion, Zibbell.
Ben: *being a supporting boyfriend* Hey, it looked hot! Besides, as far as I'm concerned, that's America's ass!
Zoe: Impossible! America isn't flat as a pancake!
[catfight intensifies]
Ben: WHY?!?
Jawa: Okay, I admit it: I used to have a crush on Catherine. Not anymore, I've matured and moved on!
Mike: Can't say I blame you! Catherine's lowkey thicker than a Snicker!
Erica: That is my mom you're talking about!
Zoe: Yes, and it evidently skipped her daughter, along with any sort of pleasantness.
[catfight intensifies]
Chip: [has multiple bruises; is covered in blood; is in infirmary]
Jawa: Bro, what happened to you?!?
Alexander: You got in a fistfight?
Chip: No, sir.
Cyrus: You fell down the stairs?
Chip: No, sir.
Catherine: ... For the love of all things holy, please tell me you didn't get hit by a lorry.
Chip: Is a lorry a truck? If so, then no, ma'am.
Jawa: WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?!?
Mike: Chip tried breaking up a catfight between Erica and Zoe over Ben.
Joshua's Army and Other Situations
Joshua: I have an army!
Ben: We have a Chip, and that's pretty much the same thing.
[camera cuts to Chip single-handedly destroying a SPYDER facility, alternating between a machine gun and grenade launcher]
Joshua: I have an army!
Zoe: We have an Alexander!
Joshua: And you expect me to be scared?
Catherine: You didn't let her finish. He has an Apache helicopter, and Cyrus is the gunner.
Joshua: Wait wha—
Alexander: (flies in with Apache helicopter, destroying a SPYDER facility with Cyrus as the front-seater)
Hale men: (laugh in destruction)
[in the rainforests of South America]
Joshua: I have an army! And I've allied myself with a drug cartel! You can't possibly beat me!
Chip and Jawa: We've got our parents.
Mr. Schacter: (emerges from jungle with a company of Marines)
Mrs. Schacter: (brings in Harrier flight for an airstrike)
Mr. O'Shea: (emerges from the river with SWCC detachment loaded with a SEAL platoon)
Mrs. O'Shea: (bankrupts SPYDER and drug cartel with financial and IT skills)
Joshua: OH COME ON!
Joshua: (falls dozens if not hundreds of feet into a forest below, losing an arm, leg, and eye)
Joshua: OH NO... anyways—
[after capturing him, the CIA tried brainwashing Jawa]
CIA brainwasher: There's only one thing worse than getting killed.
CIA brainwasher: (shows "BEN" right above "GETTING KILLED") Boom.
Joshua: Ben!
CIA brainwasher: NO—
[while in custody]
Murray: Look, at least I try to talk with my enemies. I'm not like Joshua, who'd only be more than happy to bludgeon you all to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards.
SPYDER command: ... and that's the mission we have for you. Do you have any questions?
Joshua: (fast asleep because he was up late the night prior)
SPYDER command: (sighs) Ripley will most likely be the one coming to foil you.
Joshua: (sits bolt upright) RIPLEY! WHERE IS HE?!? MUST KILL!
Joshua when Ben isn't on target: Meh. Random underling, take care of the threat.
Joshua when Ben is on target: STAND BACK, BOYS! THIS ONE'S MINE!
Murray: Y'know, if you really think about it, you could've gotten busy with Erica.
Joshua: I don't want to get busy with Erica, I want to kill Ben!
Hale Family Drama (INAPPROPRIATE HUMOR)
Alexander: Nine!
Cyrus: Forty-five!
Alexander: NIIIIIINE!
Cyrus: FORTY-FIIIIIIVE!
Erica: Why are they screaming numbers at each other?
Catherine: They're arguing over which is the superior pistol round: 9-millimetre or .45 ACP.
Alexander: Glock!
Cyrus: Nineteen-eleven!
Alexander: GLOOOOOCK!
Cyrus: NINETEEN-ELEVEEEEEEEEN!
Erica: Are they still arguing about pistols?
Catherine: DAMMIT YOU TWO WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE BREAKFAST!
Book: "Do you have the hots for Jessica Shang, Ripley?" Cyrus asked Ben calmly.
Movie: "RIPLEY!" Cyrus shouted (charging Ben). "RIPLEY, DO YOU—" (shoves Alexander into table) "HAVE—" (kicks Zoe out window) "THE HOTS—" (simultaneously slams Chip and Hank into walls) "FOR—" (punts Warren into oblivion) "JESSICA SHANG?!?" (grabs Ben by throat and presses M1911 to his head)
Woodchuck: SIR NO—
Hales: We are the most dangerous and lethal family!
Schacters: (laughs in Marine)
[at the beach]
Alexander: (taking off shirt) Hey, Erica! Wanna toss the frisbee?
Erica: Maybe later, Da—HOLY CRAP! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BACK?!? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SCRATCHES?!?
Cyrus: (visible concern) Alex, what in the blue hell? Did you pick a fight with a wolverine?
Alexander: More like a cat... (briefly glances at Catherine)
Catherine: (blushes and looks away)
Erica and Cyrus: (slowly realize)
Erica: (screaming while running away) BLEACH MY BRAIN! BLEACH MY BRAIN!
Cyrus: (emotionlessly stands up and walks into the ocean, done with life)
Catherine: Have you seen Cyrus?
Alexander: Drat, we lost him. Hang on...
Alexander: *shouts* .45 ACP sucks, and the 1911 is garbage!
Cyrus: (emerges from the crowd, M1911 in hand) WHO THE HELL SAID THAT?!?
Alexander: Ah, there he is.
Erica: (to Ben) Would you like to stay for dinner?
Catherine: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?!?
Ben and Erica: (talking in a purely professional capacity)
Cyrus: NO RELATIONSHIPS! (yeets Ben into the ocean)
Catherine: *murderous intent intensifies*
Alexander: (restraining her) Mother of God...
Cyrus: (kicks in door) You two ARE having sex!
Erica: (smiling) Really? Ben, why didn't you tell me? I would have put my book down!
Cyrus: (glare intensifies)
Ben: *internally* SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!
Alexander: (driving) I know where I'm going, Dad...
Cyrus: (holds up sign to motorbike cop) HELP! "MR. I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING" IS LOST!
Catherine: There's no such thing as a stupid question!
Chip: Clearly, you've never been a service member or first responder.
Cyrus: *FLASHBACKS TO DUMBASS PRIVATES AND LIEUTENANTS IN 'NAM INTENSIFY*
The cops, firefighters, and paramedics in the booth next to them: *FLASHBACKS TO DUMBASS ROOKIES AND CIVILIANS INTENSIFY*
Cyrus: Nooooo! You can't just use an armed helicopter for this mission! We need to be stealthy!
Alexander: HAHA AH-6 GO BRRRRRRR!
Ben and Erica: (have the most chaste of kisses, hugs, and general physical contact)
Cyrus: STOP THIS MADNESS!
Cyrus: So... Ben is taking Erica on a date...
Alexander: Yes, Dad.
Cyrus: ... where?
Catherine: I assume it has something to do with the bolt-action rifle and spotter scope in your car? Those along with the same extra equipment you always use on sniper missions?
Cyrus: ... no.
So, what did you think? Be sure to comment your thoughts!
As always, thanks for reading! Until next time!
- ADF-2