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『𝙔𝙄𝙉 𝙋𝙊𝙑』
🆃🅷🅸🆁🅳 🆆🅴🅴🅺 🅾🅵 🅹🅰🅽🆄🅰🆁🆈, 2018 (🅿🅰🆁🆃 🅸)
We usually pay no attention to those belongings till the time we own them but the day we no longer find them with us, everything seems to have been lost in a different world altogether.
I didn't feel alive anymore. I had been trying to go on living like nothing had changed but it was too hard. I miss him. Yes, I really miss him.
I should have treated him better. I overlooked his happiness in an attempt to make myself happy, only to realize that my happiness is him.
How do I say the words, 'I'm sorry' when I know that words weren't enough? How could I ask him to forgive me when I know I couldn't forgive myself?
I felt ashamed for what I had done. I didn't have any excuses. I did what I did. I put my position in a comfortable place because he was the first person that treated me like this because since I was child, no one treated and loved me like he did. He was the first person who made me feel like there was someone in this world who loved and appreciated my existence.
I was always scolded by my parents, always blamed by them and had to give up everything to my brother but with him, he always followed my wishes. He didn't care what I did to him and he always put a smile on his face. He always said "sorry" to me even though it wasn't his fault. In my life, I was the one who always said that word but when he said it to me, I felt different.
The way he looked at me, I knew how much he appreciated and loved me. His eyes always shined when he looked at me. I know he was sad, hurt when I was mad at him but I was ego. I never meant to cause him any sorrow. I never meant to cause him any pain.
Sometimes I didn't admit that I had done something wrong when I really should just be honest because I know that it caused shit and made me upset. I messed up and I miss him more than anything.
I know that he didn't deserve to be hurt like this, it's too much. He doesn't deserve any of it. He's such a nice and respectful person but admitting that I was wrong was still hard for me and I'm still learning. So, in the past I was just being egotistical with him because I knew whatever I did, he would find me again and again.
'I won't leave you, Yin unless you are the one who told me to leave you.'
When I did something wrong, I always remember his promise and I always felt that he would be with me no matter what I did but I was wrong. I know that I was totally wrong for the way that I acted and treated him. I know I'm very self-centered, rude, disrespectful and dumb but when I said I love him, I really mean it.
∘✧──────✧∘
Currently, we were seated with our other pals in the cafeteria. We continued to eat at the same table but he no longer sat next to me or cracked jokes with me as he used to. He continued to give everyone a lovely smile, except for me.
After our buddies got up from their seats, only he and I remained there. I looked at him but he paid me no attention at all. He just read a book and concentrated on his eating.
"War," I called him softly. He didn't reply but he looked at me.
"Are you free today?" I asked him. This wasn't the first time I asked him that question since our friendship was broken.
"I'm not." Every time I asked him that question, he always responded the same way, which made me think of our past interactions.
In the past. he would constantly ask if I was free but I would always respond that I was busy. I could see the disappointment on his face but I chose to ignore it.
"War..." I called him again, almost imploringly because I knew he was available but kept claiming to be busy because he didn't want to go out with me.
"Stop asking me that question, it's annoying," he muttered and got up from his seat, leaving me alone there. I fell silent.
Annoying.
That was the word I always say to him every time he does something. Even when he only asked me a straightforward question, I still described him as annoying since I didn't realize how much hurt one word might cause. Despite the fact that I told him he was annoying, he remained smiling at me as if nothing had happened.
I really wish I could turn back time and take back the hurt that I have given you and show you how much you mean to me, War.
I'm stupid. I know.
How cruel am I to do all that to you?
∘✧──────✧∘
Finally, after a few times I asked him if he was free or not, he agreed to go out with me but he said he was only free at 5 pm and he couldn't stay long.
"I'll pick you up at home, okay?" I smiled as I informed him because I was overjoyed that he had finally agreed to go out with me.
"No need. Just send me the location," he replied without a smile, his eyes focused on the book he was reading.
"But I can pick–"
"Just send me the location, Yin," he interrupted me and gave me a lazy glance before I could finish my sentence.
"O-okay, War," I replied.
Even though he didn't smile back, I still smiled at him. I had no idea how much I missed his sweet smile, which he used to give me.
∘✧──────✧∘
I had shared with him the location of the restaurant as I wanted to take him to a recently opened restaurant in our town. I'd read reviews saying that the cooking was good, so I knew War would absolutely love it.
Because I didn't want him to have to wait for me, I arrived early and waited for him starting at 4.30 pm. It's been a while since I went out with him and I'm hoping that this time will be different, so that I can mend our friendship and tell him everything.
It was already 5 pm and my eyes focused on looking at the entrance of the restaurant because I didn't know why I was so nervous. My heart didn't stop beating fast.
He hadn't arrived even though it was already 5.30p.m. I looked at the message I sent him before I came to this restaurant and he already read it.
Now, it was 6 pm, he was still not coming. Did something happen to him? I started to worry and sent a message to him.
"War, where are you?"
"Are you okay? Did something happen?" I sent a message to him and it was a double tick, so it meant he already received that message but he still didn't read it. I called him a few times but he didn't pick up.
'Maybe he's on his way and his phone is in silent mode,' I monologue to myself as I know he was definitely coming.
7 p.m.
8 p.m.
9 p.m.
I'm still waiting for him and he hasn't arrived. I couldn't take my eyes off the phone screen because I was afraid anything might have happened to him. I kept looking at the restaurant's entrance but I couldn't catch sight of him.
Suddenly, a message popped up and I knew it as coming from War since I had set him a different ringtone. In a hurry because I was so worried, I opened the message like a flashlight.
"I took Prom to the clinic because he's not feeling well. My phone is in silent mode."
"You're not waiting for me, right?"
My heart broke when I read the message he had sent. It hurts me so badly that words fail me. Was this the same feeling he felt when I changed plans with him to go out with someone else? Every time I did that, he would just smile at me as if everything were fine. But now, I realized how hurt he was.
I really do wish I could take back all the mistakes I made. I hope that none of this took place.
You had no idea how sorry I am for what happened between us. It killed me to think and feel how much I miss you and what we used to have.
I miss you, War. I really do.
credit: @minizz33
22/3/2022