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❦ VOICE MESSAGES ❦
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The last time he saw her probably was here, at Cyberaya's train station or the mall in a couple of steps ahead. It had been lively that day yet he easily spotted an estranged silhouette of a girl near the gigantic decorations of the mall, there's nothing unusual really, she's just staring at it for who knows how long before she looked at his direction and though they are seperated by two floors, it is as if they have a connection that conveyed each other's thoughts. Actually, his mind is empty that time as he watch how she had put her "farewell gift" under the decorations. Of course he had immediately descended on the stairs as he picked up the said object and tried to follow her, keyword:tried.
Now it is that time of the year again, and walking to the mall alone does not bring any, merry spirit. Not that no one would want to accompany him but going here is a spur of the moment decision. But then again,the only thing that brings satisfaction at this particular moment is seeing happy faces though sometimes it causes pinches in his heart. He loves holidays, and he surely enjoy it but she...not much. What would she even like? ---love? Because Alicia Kheng never really shown anything for him to figure it out. He deeply breathed as he silently recited her name in his heart as if asking for a response and the sudden tightness confirmed that it is indeed her that is making him sad.
He stopped at the same spot she stood three years ago and almost laugh at the gigantic decoration hanging from there, the employees had protected the decoration at all cost for it to be good as new. He could feel a lump forming in his throat again as memories rushed back in his mind. She broke up with him too fast that he was taken aback and he moved on too slow that over a period of time he had developed an ability to hold the thought of her almost unresponsive.
It took two years for her to realize that loving does not mean staying together and this decision is not something she would call abrupt as she tried to find a perfect answer or solution rather to deal with this relationship. For example, she tried to choose all the choices she have, like how she tried to date him but eventually broke up with him.
However, nothing really had changed on her habit though she realized it just now, she had always took note of everything he do when they got together. It's not that she was uncomfortable but rather she did not grow accustomed to everything he does. Ali can be full of surprises while she sometimes can be a sore thumb among all the fingers.
An example is him being sweet and all, the weather is great that Saturday morning, she had visited him at 6:30 and met his Dad in front of the house saying that Ali was still asleep. Though in her opinion, it is pretty late she chose to cook for them before waking him up. He had hugged her from behind while she is frying eggs, asked her if she'll join him for breakfast, snorted when she said yes and told her that maybe she should reward herself for finally joining him for breakfast. The next scenes were not that uneventful nor fast but the only thing that registered in her mind is him throwing a tantrum, pretty much it is because of what she said. By now she couldn't remember the said phrase but Ali did not come back to see her out that day, not even text had she recieved.
If not having a mission the next two days, they wouldn't meet. In fact, Ali had prided himself so Alicia took a step and went home with him. Said pride did not last long as he kissed her the moment they entered his house, thank the heavens that his Dad did not come home till later.
And so, everytime something arises it always went like that. Said game last for long, that an argument arises from this too. Ali would insist that she needs his love and she would insist to herself that he is unique to her which eventually became an extinguisher of that warmth they failed to notice until she finally get to the conclusion that Ali bin Ghazali could live without her. It did not come immediately, it is a long months after their last argument broke out. She had suggested for them to break up and he agreed. She quietly left but she had seen tears, she finally admitted that they had been immature to kept to themselves that they really loved each other.
College is hard and she was allowed to take a break from her duties so she studied at different city and let go of him. Thinking about him is automatic, at first that occurence is so frequent that she got frustrated. Now, she still thinks about him but it happens seldomly, like when she notices a kid riding a scooter or when there's a clumsy kid that is continuously saying sorry.
They did not talk to each other after the break up and they hardly have anytime, their peers (to their relief) did not talk about the fall out of said duo and while no one commented about it, they are informed of how is who from the whispered gossips that eventually is still alive after three years.
In fact they can only blink twice when they found out what career path the other took. Okay, Alicia is great, she is smart but he never thought Alicia would want to become a psychiatrist. And while Ali can kill gossips with effort, Alicia would never see Ali to be following his Dad's footsteps. Then again, they did not know the changes that happened within three years.
He turned back and head to the exit as his hand itched to fish his phone out of his pocket. While his mind is thinking of her number that he deleted in his contact but his brain chose to remember, he did not even know if she is still using it and if so, what should he say? she did not like holidays that much.
Alicia blinked twice noting that her stop is near. She picked up her bags and couple of paper bags that contains different gifts, afterall it is holiday and she rarely go home so it is not questionable. A rushing man on the phone bumped into her and an indigo paperbag fell on the floor, a name can be seen on the cloth. Alicia hurriedly picked it up and folded it neatly.
In the train's window, Ali can be seen mumbling by himself as he approached the opened doors of the train, civilians are rushing to get out and some to get in, he didnt even noticed that he halted as he muttered under his breath.
" I'm not looking for her, she did not even go home for christmas so what did I expect? "
" Besides there is no words going around that she will come home"
He repeated the same phrase inonce more as he continues to walk, however he did saw her among all the people exiting the train. The couple walking beside him could hear the gasp he let out as he recognized her. In fact, he walked fast, agitated, feeling adrenaline pumping in his veins as his heart thump loudly in his chest and unfortunately the door closed when he is just a couple of steps near.
" ICIA! "
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Hey Alicia, it's me....... do you.........
*****
Her room is the same just how she left it, that is what she first noticed, her book is still opened in that page and her old phone is still beside it. She decided to charge it and open it later since she is back, maybe she'll go to MATA later.
" Its really you, long time no see " she know whose voice was that and while she did not expect that he'll greet her she'll take it.
" You did not seem surprise "
" I saw you earlier at the station and found out that you notified the other's excluding me " she could almost say sorry if not him looking like a brat.
Her phone rang and Ali is not even surprised--though Alicia can hardly be someone's beck call, she must be busy, turns out her acquaintance is having a hard time with her research and she would like her help when she is free. Ali glared at her as Alicia muttered a reply and took the chance to hold her hand to lead her outside the facility.
Alicia, of course agreed to what ever her colleague said and replied that she'll call again later as she followed Ali and descended from the stairs.
" Have you had dinner yet? " he asked as he pulled his hoverboard.
She didn't answer, instead she wondered if he is inviting her to ride with him with said craft since he is still holding her hand. And as she opened her mouth, he pulled her up and made sure she would be comfortable enough that she wouldn't worry about falling. Said actions are done naturally, just like how he used to when he is still using his scooter. And once more, before she had spouted a remark her soul seem to be shook from her body as said transportation go, causing her to of course hold onto him.
It's nine thirty in the evening and she recognized the streets, however her initial thought of eating at Mamak Maju's were proved to be irrelevant as this direction revealed that in fact, their destination is his house.
It seems that he learned cooking, and apparently his Dad comes home early now. Oh Alicia couldn't describe how awkward the night is, all because of an idiot that thinks it is smart to bring her in his home when they broke up three years ago and have not contacted each other since then. She could only sigh after she bid Mr. Ghazali goodnight and refused to stay there until the morning, and also offered to wash the dishes.
" Just stay here, I'll take it from here," Ali said.
" No it's okay, "
So in the end, they stood in front of the sink like before; Ali washing it and her wiping it to dry and put it in the cupboard.
" You called for me earlier, didn't you?" she asked breaking the silence.
" Yeah, I thought you didn't hear, " he replied handing her a plate then washed another one.
" I heard it but thought it's just me " she said as she gingerly wiped the plate and put it gently beside the others.
" then? "
" I saw an idiot who thinks he could stop the train by calling me "
He laughed and unintentionally the water splashed on her. Her face showed her displeasure though there's only minimal spots that are caught in her being.
" Sorry, sorry, "
He handed the last utensil to her as he picked up a hand towel nearby then he proceeded to lean on the sink to watch her movements.
The silence after is comfortable at the least and yet her expression changes and her gaze seems to be a little hard.
" Why are you doing this, just now you are obviously happy, " he said peering at her to watch her expression.
It is true that Ali can be a step behind when compared to her but he have certain charms. So when she finished wiping the said utensils, she proceeded to look anywhere but him. The best way to reject him is certainly not looking at the pair of sly yet charming eyes.
Of course he noticed her intention, so standing up straight he talked again after wiping a water droplet on her face yet his hand did not move after that.
" I'm not intending to bring you back " his courage is questionable and she could almost look at the past with a sigh while remembering how big changes can there be within three years.
She understood the context lying along the lines and yet she only replied,
" I know "
By that, those perferctly still fingers came to life, he's not as confident and as 'chill' he appeared to be as she felt the subtle shake of the said hand on her face. She closed her eyes for a while and a slow caress lingers for too long, she finally grab his wrist.
" Don't think of repeating the same tricks "
He stepped back and pulled his arm as he stared at her for a while, and seeing the emotion in her eyes,
" Yes, this time I'll be patient "
Alicia actually slept there, noting the aroma of black coffee from the kitchen he reveled from the fact that there she is again in his house.
She is still dressed in the same clothes yet he could see that she actually decided to freshen up seeing her damp ebony hair.
" I cooked breakfast, it is still warm. Your Dad already left earlier.
" Thank you " she hummed as a response as she poured coffee in another cup and placed it in front of him.
" Are you going back?" he asked as she seems to be ready to leave.
She only nod and proceeded to open the door.
" Did you change your number? " he finally asked as she stepped out of the door. She only raised her hand a little and continued to walk away.
It's a no and yet Ali cannot rejoice for the fact that he might have left pretty embarassing text messages before. Guess he needed to pray that Alicia is not the type to check mostly irrelevant text now.
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It had been a week and she forgot to open her old phone and browse it because she hardly got the time but Alas, seems like Ali do contact her afterall... Tapping the first voice message it played.
Hey, A-Alicia?.... Wait, it come off bad. Do it again
And next
Merry Christmas, guess who called yet--- it's stupid. Again
And next
Ah hello, Merry Christmas, if Alicia Kheng still owns this number please call me back, Ali---no.
The voice messages are from three years ago and she could only laugh at the outcome until it beeped and showed a new message from him.
I'm near your neighborhood,
can I invite you for dinner?
I'm not free until 8:30
She put the phone at the table and decided to check the old messages or voice messages later but Ali replied almost instantaneously,
I'll wait for you then
She put away her phone and didn't return. It turned out that they could still imagine some misunderstandings and ignore it. In fact, she is free.
But I'm already hungry
And I'm already across the street
[image captured in an
angle that is across the street]
Miss Alicia, have you tried
skipping?
A rare opportunity, I'm lending
you a list of possible excuses
for times like this
She picked up the phone and stared at it hard as if to melt the said object. Is he doing this in sake of burrying those voice messages? She clicked her tongue and angrily storm out of the house.
Sometimes Ali gives off an instant impression and she sometimes just want to punch him for that matter. She could only feel sorry for Viktor, for all those years staying with Ali. However, Viktor did not get the chance to say that to her. Because he unfortunately met her a week after she broke up with Ali.
" So you are dating Ali?" it's the first thing he said after their short greeting. As a response she only asked if he told him that. Viktor chuckled and shook his head almost disappointed.
" Yeah, he told me the second day though he pronounced it as if irritated, 'I'm with Alicia' it's almost as if he is disappointed by himself "
Alicia could only chuckle that time, because neither she imagined going out with Ali. She shook her head with a smile.
" However, we have broken up "
" Really? Ali is being an idiot " Viktor responded disappointed, he did not go through Ali's worry with him for it to end up like that.
" Afterall I'm not as used to him like you, it's only a matter time. However, he did cry when I broke up with him "
" Then he must regret it " Viktor replied,a hint of playful tone can be recognized in his voice.
That was an encounter few years ago and recalling it seems to cause a different feeling, however she would look into it later as she saw him directly after she opened the door. He stood there and waited but Alicia continued to walk and ignored him.
He catches up, " Hey! I'm here."
" I see "
"What shall we eat?"
" Western dishes "
" But I want ramen " he took her hand and caused her to stop, urging her to look at him and once she did he catches her gaze and pouted.
" Let's eat ramen, shall we?" her brows furrowed and she clicked her tongue.
" One of your trick? "
" That's right, did it work? " He proudly answered and caught her hand again, guiding her to the other direction that is planned for a long time.
Their fingers intertwined and Alicia stared at it for a while but chose not to break free, she didn't want to spoil this evening and in any case, she and Ali would have an argument anyway.
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" I heard things about you after we broke up, I don't know how to interpret it " she said suddenly, and Ali who had taken a mouthful of ramen noodles almost choked had he not grasp a glass of water.
With a contented smile, she picked up her chopsticks and started. Alicia is a tease, nothing new so Ali could only glare at the said woman as he coughed.
In the end, Alicia talked about how she met Viktor that day while Ali strangely stopped his motions and became silent.
" I do regret it, at that time I don't know what to do, You are going to leave me and I don't know what to do " he stated, and lowered his head. He looked like a child that got scolded my his mom and there is an urge to pat his head at that comparison but he looked up with a wide grin.
" Now I won't regret it because I'm going to try again. "
Alicia rolled her eyes but her heart skipped a beat. Her meaning and his meaning should be the same, and some feelings still exist between the two, she thinks they have also confirmed that night at his house. However, she could not understand the reason, or she felt that the conditions were not sufficient.
They walk out of that ramen shop aimlessly, their pace is slow.
" Can we hold hands? "
" Why? "
" Because there is no excuse now, it's not easy to get away with it."
She stopped causing him to stopped in front of her and turned to look at her.
" Ali, I don't think 'replaying' is a good idea."
His smile faded and he asked, "Why?"
"Because the ending is not good. The end of repeating old tricks may be repeating the same mistakes." She took his hand and gently interlaced their fingers.
She took the initiative to hold his hand, but he couldn't be happy. Her current attitude was like a patient psychological rescuer, persuading him not to commit suicide.
" I missed you very much." She looked at him quietly and said.
Ali was taken aback for a moment, he didn't expect that she would suddenly confess like this. His heart is beating violently in his chest, he had a hunch that this was the last chance he could miss.
"I thought about it almost every day at the beginning." She laughed self-deprecatingly, and continued to describe what it's like at first but then the grip in her hand tightened, as if telling her to stop.
" The last time we met, you have refused to talk to me properly," he calmly leaned closer,
"Why?"
" I have a very good attitude. I could never imagined that I would tolerate you like this before," she raised her brow and replied.
"You're right," he smiled wider and leaned closer, "Why? Why have you changed?"
Alicia stretched her arm and pushed his too-close face away,
" You're acting like a kid "
" Then you must like this kid? "
She did not reply, just glared at him and as a reply, he grasped her hand tighter and continued,
" I'm happy...that I still have the chance to pursue you " he started and Alicia felt a sudden pinch in her heart.
" I--"
Ali wanted to continue but she squeezed his hand just like he did before, to urge her to stop.
" Dont. Let me think about it " he can hear the slight tremble in her voice and it caused a lump to form in his throat.
He understands. In the breakup three years ago, they both hurt each other so thoroughly that even now she is instinctively afraid of replaying the situation. He appeared confident, but he was not much more confident than her in his heart.
Can they love each other unreservedly Do they have the ability to stop hurting each other? Is this reunion really right?
The worries are real, and the feelings are real. They both know it too well, so they approached with uncertainty, but stopped at the closest position to intimacy.
He stretched out his hand and gently embraced her in his arms.
She still used that coconut shampoo, and though he could only see her ebony hair, this brought the same feelings like four years ago. And looking at her face, there's no trace of the emotion expressed a moment ago.
This, this is once the Alicia he knew before--- the one who belonged to him.
After middle school, he was stressed out from school works and agent duties, furthermore lying became tiresome and sometimes made him feel guilty. Though his grades are doing fine compared before, he's having a burn-out by coping with these responsibilities. To him, Alicia would understand him and they could get along past their egos so not-so-miraculously Ali was caught typing on his phone and tablet restlessly by his father or sometimes Viktor, the calls became frequent and Alicia's caller ID does not mean one thing anymore.
He started making excuses to see her, and she didn't say no. At first, he thought the feeling of being around her was peace of mind, but later he thought it was the joy of tacit understanding and happiness in general. Until Christmas Eve a year later, they gone out with fellow agents and drank some wine. Of course Ali walked her home but only after they stopped at his house to pick out a copy of a book that had been out of print already. And then he had kissed her in front of the bookshelf.
It had been brief, just a little peck or even just a little touch then her eyes widen a few millimeter before she whipped her head to the side, it is no use since Ali still noticed her flushed cheeks and took a hint of a different tone in her voice.
It was the start of frequent going outs at least Ali does not need to come up with excuses then. She slowly let go of herself in the process, and took him to know herself with her actions. She is not just Alicia Kheng, and Ali slowly learns who she is, she also laughs occasionally, scorns close people, and admires girls who are bold because she is bold herself. For example, they found out that Ali could have numerous kind of suprised expression everytime Alicia decided it is a good time to kiss him suddenly.
H walked from the viewing position to the boyfriend position, only to find that Alicia didn't think so too.
She stood in the position closest to herself, but she kept refusing to open her heart to him. Although they shared a certain understanding and intimacy, she doesn't expect his promised care. She is like a lonely shadow, walking unnoticed in the crowd, she is with you only when people leave you. When you want to hug, she keeps the same pace as you and slowly retreats. Until one day when you take that step, she disappears, and you will find that you have walked into the darkness with each other.
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If Alicia Kheng still owns this number, please convey her Happy Chinese New year........... If she doesn't.....
*****
Ali upgraded his lifestyle, no, it had changed because of course he finally manage to move Alicia a little bit to allow him to have breakfast with her everyday.
This particular day, he woke up early and decided to cook while waiting for her to wake up. (Yes, he even manage to be entitled to be someone who can come in and out of her house whenever he wants at least for the time being until he decided to go back to Cyberjaya) Unfortunately, he realized he'd been staring at the poor burning coffee and Alicia woke up because of the smell of it.
She sat up and spent about a second guessing what happened, only to feel that her beautiful, happy, and free single life was all ruined by this culprit.
"Ali!"
Although she was a little angry when she got up before, she was obviously very angry today. When she called his name, she had not had time to open her eyes, but her eyebrows and hair were slightly raised.
Cute, he thought to himself
He trotted over with breakfast, handed it in front of her flatteringly, and said, "Don't be angry, let's have breakfast. Coffee... um, coffee may still have to be made by you."
She opened her eyes and glanced at the plate in front of her - fried rice, ham, and two very nice poached eggs, if it weren't for the mushy coffee that made her heartache, it would have been a perfect breakfast.
Though felt a little hungry, she still said angrily, "Stop showing off and eat at the table."
He knew that she liked it, so he brought his breakfast to the table, washed the coffee pot, and sat down at the table to wait for her to wash up.
He was very deliberate when he pretended to be a child, but he couldn't make people dislike it. Alicia tried hard to control the corners of her mouth that wanted to turn up, but she didn't know that her expression was just as cute in his eyes.
Pretending to be angry again, Ali thought, not being frank enough to be bullied.
"You got up with a great temper." he said suddenly.
"So what?" She cut the poached egg and put it in her mouth, with a satisfied little happiness on her expression.
"It's nothing, I'm glad you were touched with enthusiasm."
"Really?" She looked up at him. "Speaking of which, I'm also happy that you finally have a place to show your passion to save."
He laughed, knowing that she was talking about his chosen career.
He smiled even happier as he looked at the woman in front of him who was seriously eating the breakfast he made, and finally said the words he had prepared for a long time,
"Let's start over, shall we?"
Alicia paused for a moment, and then asked him after a moment of silence, "Why?"
Why me? Why now? He knew what she was asking.
"For..." He cleared his throat, but the lump that formed in it seems to be unmoving, he replied randomly without much thought,
"For Cyberjaya! For MATA, For Pinggiran, for... the subway that goes back and forth and for...the voice messages that have no response....."
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Where is the message cancel button!? I'm not prepared yet, what am I supposed to say?
He was silent for half a minute, and the phone message was automatically cut off, Alicia laughed, what kind of comedy is this person playing? Eventually the next one played,
——I miss you so much, I am depressed. Can you give me a call back? You have to be responsible for my chest tightness!
His tone sounds really distressed, she can almost imagine this drunk phone call while Viktor tried to stop him from embarrassing himself.
*****
After Ali returned to Cyberjaya, he started sending messages every day, leaving a long list of conversations between "Icia" and "Ali" on each other's mobile phones. In the evenings when she was free, he would call to chat with her. She even mocked him sometimes by calling him a third rate technician, and he sometimes countered that she is that one doctor in every kid's nightmare. Sometimes they talk and don't talk much, just listen to each other's breath and read the same book together. She always read faster than him, but he always "cheated" in the reasoning part and speculated directly to the end of the plot.
Alicia finally understood what he meant by replaying old tricks.
Years ago they dated, confessed, and finally made sure of each other's hearts at the end.
This time he turned the misplaced process around.
Confirmed it in the night of their reunion, confessed in the morning, and dated their way every day after that.
She looked at the clumsy love words he sent and thought, the feeling of love is not bad. When she realized her special feeling for Ali many years ago, she used reason to analyze the pros and cons of being with this person.
He's clearly a charismatic man. He has the danger and vigor of a teenager, there is certain sharpness and decisiveness, he is often like a messenger of justice with a great responsibility. Few girls can refuse this kind of admiration a mix of love and admiration.
But he can sometimes be secretive and hard-headed, he could be headstrong and hard to reason with, sometimes even his pros can be a con, be adorable just to get away with it.
When his good feelings for her slowly appeared, she still thought calmly, that he just needed company for a while, just two lonely people comforting each other.
But...but before he tried his best to lure her to his bookshelf, bowing his head and trying to kiss her. Those are all gone.
She chose to surrender to her most primitive instincts, denying the possibility of irrationality when she was awake, and then falling again the next time he hugged her. It's not so much her refusal to admit her relationship with Ali that she's refusing to admit that they might have a happy ending.
Now she's finally admitting that she's been too arrogant in this relationship. She used to be like an entitled only-child sitting on a cold throne. And Ali, like an absent-minded kid, accidentally broke into her mansion for a single ball, kissed her as a form of comfort and promise.
However, absent-mindedly learned how to give sincerity, cold-eyed ridicule and slowly tried to melt and reconcile. So, can the ending also apply for rewriting?
Why don't you reply
to the message?
I was just imagining
that I was a spoiled
only-child. Did your
stuff arrive?
Not yet, What am I?
Your childhood arange
marriage fiance?
You're a absent-minded
kid who broke into my
house, which I ordered
to be thrown outside.
Ali was speechless for a moment, she really shouldn't keep saying that she was naive, and she didn't give in too much.
That's amazing, the great
madam Alicia. Can you
come and help me
after you get off work?
Address
I'll send it later
He moved out of Cyberjaya, euphemistically calling it a different place for inspiration and innovation.
When the sky was getting dark, he heard the noise at the door of the company next door slowly, and it should be getting off work one after another.
He tossed his phone aside, opened the door, walked to the next company, and smiled at the lady at the front desk.
"Hello, I want to find Miss Kheng."
She reluctantly told the excited front desk lady, "It's not some strange handsome guy, but someone I know," and then whispered to Ali what the hell he wanted to do.
He only pointed to the next door innocently, "You promised to help me."
"I haven't gotten off yet—" Before she finished speaking, colleagues in the same group came out of the company in a deliberate swarm to say goodbye to her.
"Well," he pouted at her, "don't you tell me you're going to leave poor me and study alone until late at night."
She rolled her eyes and told him that she had to go back and get the backpack, and then followed him to another door in the same corridor under the curious eyes of the lady at the front desk.
He opened the door and said mysteriously,
"Welcome to my apartment!"
She silently condemned his childish behavior with rolling eyes, then froze at the first step into the room. This is a space she is very familiar with, but very different.
He closed the door and stood quietly behind her, waiting for her to finish looking around.
"Do you like it?" he asked softly.
"...You don't read books." She tried to pick on as she saw a spacious bookshelf.
"Well you do" He hugged her and shook her gently as if coaxing her.
"...Is that my picture on the cork board?"
He forgot to take it off. "Well... my inspiration muse."
"Ha, I look like a criminal. You—uh."
He didn't let her finish, lowered his head and kissed her. "You have a lot of questions," he said, turning her back to him and kissing her again.
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Alicia realized that the drunk call was the last voice message he left and it's from a year ago, she finally pressed the call back button and he picked it up quickly, but she didn't give him a chance to react.
She said to him in the fiercest tone,
" Who cares about you " but the one on the other side just chuckled as she pressed the end call button.
·····
Bold italics are for the voice messages
Bold for text messages
Italics are for thoughts
Allow me to present this entry to those who chose to read this text which caused me to lose braincells in order to overcome writer's block instead of using it in my research, business plan and proposal, and other school works ‧⁺◟( ಥ ·̫ ಥ )
Well anywayyyy, the next entry would come out later than sooner our academic break is a good of an excuse to let us use this time to finish said task and performances.
I hope I at least, brought satisfaction for this mere entertainment.
Au revoir!