Melanie
I'm knocking on Natalie's door at 1 in the morning in an absolutely frantic state, bawling my eyes out.
This is really looking good for me.
She pulls the door open as I'm mid-sob, rubbing her eyes with exhaustion. Casey is right by her side, looking just as tired. When Natalie sees that it's me, her expression softens, and she immediately pulls me inside. She wraps her arm over my shoulder, guiding me over towards her couch, and setting me down on top of it.
"Casey, hot cocoa." Casey heads towards the kitchen at his wife's command, looking confused. Natalie runs towards a nearby hall closet, pulling out a large, knitted blanket. She returns to where I'm sitting, draping it over my shoulders. Next, she pulls off my shoes, laying them beside the couch.
"Do you feel like you're about to vomit? Would you like a bucket?" she quizzes me, pulling a pillow behind my back as she eases me backwards, until I'm leaning on the backrest of the couch.
"No, no, I'm not drunk." I reply, although, I do sort of feel like I'm about to throw up, just not from alcohol. Natalie nods sympathetically, sitting herself on the coffee table so she's facing me.
"I'm so so-o-ry." I stutter out, although I don't get too much into an apology before another wave of sobs flood into my eyes.
"What for?" she asks, smiling sweetly. There's something about Natalie, and the way she approaches things, that just makes you want to talk to her. Her constant calmness is unrivalled, and there's no situation I've seen her in that her head isn't clear. It's an amazing quality to possess, one that I wish I had on my belt. It certainly would've helped with whatever the fuck I decided to do mere minutes ago.
"For barging in. I forgot people would actually be asleep right now."
"No, it's okay, we only just went to bed." Casey takes that moment to walk across the living room, handing both myself and Natalie a glass of piping hot cocoa. I manage to smile briefly at him as he walks back to the kitchen, grabbing his own mug. He takes a seat beside Natalie, wrapping his arm around her waist. The simple action almost makes me tear up, knowing full-well that Bailey's arm was around my waist half an hour ago.
"What's up Mel?"
I drop Natalie's eye, sniffing away more tears that dare to fall.
"I fucked up Nat, really bad."
"What happened?" she urges, her voice sweet in the silent air. She takes a sip of her steaming mug, her glasses fogging up no more than a second later. She goes to take them off, but Casey reaches for them before she can, cleaning them for her. I almost melt. Natalie and Casey have always been good at showing their affection for each other, through little actions, they always have been. And here I am, not even able to reply when the person I'm in love with tells me he loves me. I'm hopeless.
"Bailey and I..." I trail off again, taking a long, deep breath. "We had sex. And it was fine, well, better than fine, but it wasn't the sex that was the problem. It was afterwards, when he told me he loved me." Natalie's eyes light up, and she smiles at Casey before returning her gaze to me.
"That's amazing Mel!"
"Yeah, except that I didn't say anything back, even though I do love him."
"Why didn't you just say that then?" Casey asks cluelessly from beside his wife, looking confused.
"Because, I'm too scared. Trust me, I don't get it either. But, I just feel like I don't deserve having someone who's so nice and caring love me. Not when I'm the way I am."
"What do you mean, 'the way I am'?" Natalie scoffs, throwing me a pointed look.
"I'm difficult, and bitter, and an absolute pain in the ass to be around. He deserves someone better, someone who can express their feelings instead of putting up walls."
"You're not like that though, Mel." Casey starts, shaking his head at my rambling. "I'm obviously not quite as close to you as the girls are, but you don't have a wall up around me. You're telling me this all know, including details to your sex life, which, honestly, as your honorary dad I don't really want to be hearing." Natalie giggles suddenly, kissing Casey's cheek. "But my point is, you're not as awful as you make yourself out to be. You're a wonderful person Mel, and supportive of all your friends. You're not letting anyone down by needing some space, or a second to think, but you don't deserve to treat yourself this way."
I'm stunned. No one's ever said anything like that to me before, let alone when they're half asleep at one in the morning. Natalie has mentioned that Casey is a really caring, compassionate guy, who knows how to talk through his emotions, but I didn't know he was this good.
"When Bailey says he's in love with you, trust me, he is. That night that we all hung out together, he told Christian and I that he loved you. He had the biggest fucking smile on his face, and I told him not to let you go, and he agreed not to. You know what that means right?" Casey continues, staring at me as he cradles his cocoa. "He's not going to give up on you, no matter how difficult you think you are. Just by judging from the look that was on his face, he's already fallen too far to dig himself out now." I take a long sip of the warm, comforting liquid I have cradled in my hands. I mull over what Casey just said, before my memories flick to the night just passed. Now I feel even worse, after hearing that. If Bailey's had these feelings bottled up for weeks now, I don't even want to think about how much I've hurt him in the space of five minutes. Five stupid minutes, and I've broken everything.
This whole conversation has just made everything 10x more depressing, a figure I didn't think could get any higher when I ran out of Bailey's place. Melanie, proved to be drastically wrong, yet again.
"So, where is he." Natalie asks inquisitively, falling into Casey's side with what I can only presume is exhaustion.
"He lives a floor up, I just dashed for the elevator and came here. I'm sorry, I should've just gone home instead of-" I begin to stand up from the couch, but an outburst of voices stops me in my tracks.
"No, tonight you're crashing here, no exceptions. It's not safe enough to be out now, it's too dark." Casey says, pushing me back onto the couch with his eyes.
"Okay, fine dad." I pretend to grumble, placing my mug beside Natalie on the table, and pulling the blanket up to my chin. "Thankyou, though. For listening." I add, smiling sadly.
Natalie smiles widely, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.
Where his lips where, less than an hour ago.
"Sleep well."
...
Casey had texted Bailey that night, explaining the situation, and letting him know that I was safe and not roaming the streets alone.
I still haven't texted him.
It's only been three days, but it's felt like the loneliest three days of my life. The worst three days of my life, apart from when Jamie attacked me. And who do I have to blame? Me, myself, and I.
I've been moping around my room ever since Casey dropped me back on Sunday morning. I've turned my phone off, and have only left my room to use the bathroom. I explained everything to Persephone when I got back, and then Lera came over later, and I told her too.
I know isolating myself has done no good. I know that it's only made me more depressed. More anxious. More annoyed. But I have no idea what else to do. Just show up to Bailey's place with a gift basket? Like, 'Sorry about the other night, I totally flipped out because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life?' He probably doesn't want to see me anyway, meaning if I did go to his place, I'd probably get the door slammed in my face, which I would totally deserve. But then, I'd probably just end up running back to Natalie's, getting spoon fed advice on how to talk to a guy, like I'm in Junior High or something.
I'm spiralling, I know I am. And to top off the endless anxiety that's currently engulfing me, today's graduation. Meaning I actually have to get dressed, and will have to be in the same proximity of the same Bailey that I bailed on four nights ago. It's embarrassing, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I'm putting my shoes on when Persephone bursts into the room, brushing her hair.
"Sorry, I'll be like one second and then we can go meet up with the others." I wave off her worries, standing up from my bed. Well, I guess it's my old bed, now.
I look around, surveying the practically empty room. I'm leaving this afternoon, after the ceremony, meaning all my stuff has been packed into boxed and suitcases, ready to go back to San Francisco. I haven't started looking for jobs yet, given that I actually need my diploma to do so, so I'll be staying with my parents until I find something. Which I hope doesn't take long, because I know that once I leave, I won't be able to breathe properly until I get back to the East Coast. I'm not even kidding, I'm really growing to hate the West.
"Are you sad, that we're leaving?" I turn around, nodding at Persephone's question. This has been our home for four years, and it's really quite sad that it's coming to an end. We've created so many memories, the four of us, in this room, played so many games of 'fuck, marry, kill' I don't even know what to think of it.
I feel a soft hand place itself on my shoulder, and I grip it, clutching Persephone's fingers tightly.
"I'm going to miss being in the same room as you, Pers. You've helped me through so much, and I... I don't want this to end."
"Sometimes we all need to let things go. It's not like either of us are dying, we're still going to be around. There'll be more memories made before you know it, even if we aren't rooming together." Persephone pulls me into a tight hug, and I'm embarrassed to admit that tears are falling from my eyes steadily. I lift my head from Persephone's shoulder, relieved to find her own eyes swimming with tears.
"Stop making me cry Mel! I spent way too long doing my makeup this morning for you to ruin it." She yells at me teasingly, reaching for a nearby tissue, and pressing it to her eye.
"Well let's go then!" I hold my arm out for her, wiping away a stray tear as she links her arm in mine. With that, we grab our bags, grad caps and gowns, and pull open our rickety, old door. It creaks for one of its last times, and I slam it closed with my foot as we make our way down the hallway. We navigate our way down the steep stairs, stepping out into the cool wind as we exit out the large glass door of the lobby. We head straight to Persephone's car, and I sink into the passenger seat, looking out the window solemnly.
It's our last day, forever.
...
My knee twitches with anxiety as I sit in my assigned seat, waiting for the ceremony to start. People are still filing into their seats, so I could guess that we'll still be here for a while.
"Hey, Melanie!" I snap my head up to my name being called, my eyes almost popping out of my head as I realize who it is doing the calling.
"Oh, hi Lucinda. Are you sitting here?" I ask, watching as she nods before sitting down. She places a small bag underneath the rickety metal seats we're sitting on, before turning her attention back to me.
"Yes. Are you excited to graduate?" her voice is light and airy, and I have to put on my best fake smile, despite my current mood.
"Yes and no. I'm just so used to getting up and going to school everyday, although I am excited to start working." Lucinda nods alongside me, her lips set in a tight line.
"I get what you mean."
Our conversation ends there, and I'm too worn out from crying to even think of something else to say. Luckily, she does it for me.
"So, are you and Bailey finally dating?" I nearly fall out of my chair at her question.
"Uh, no." Her face falls, her eyes squinting together.
"Really? I always thought you guys would end up together." How did everyone seem to know but me?
"You did?"
"Yes. I could tell he liked you. I mean, he never once looked at me the way he looked at you." Regret flushes over me. I hate that Bailey dated her, if that really was true. I hate that I potentially stood in their way of happiness, without even knowing it.
"I'm so sorry. I having this whole 'I'm the other woman' realization, and I'm really sorry for the role I may have played in your breakup."
"No, not at all. I knew I wasn't right for Bailey the second I met you. I'm still a crusader for love though, so tell me everything." I smile faintly, remembering that day I first met her. Remembering what I told Bailey about how he didn't care. Oh how was I so wrong?
"Well, he told me he loved me the other night, when we were together." Lucinda's eyes light up, but dim when she sees my pained expression. "But I chickened out. I love him, I really do, but I was scared, of everything that could happen. Because I have this wall up, when it comes to feelings, I struggle to tell people's things, out of terror for what could go wrong. So, when Bailey told me he loved me, I froze up. Although I love him, and I knew in the moment that I loved him, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that. So, I ran. And I haven't called him yet, because I'm scared of how he'll react, and I don't know what else to do, because all that being apart has done has made me overwhelmingly sad, but-"
"Hey, hey, hey, slow down Melanie." Lucinda places a warm palm on my shoulder, telling me to breathe. I do as she says, taking a few deep breaths, before she speaks.
"I know it might be scary, but trust me when I say it'll be worth it. Even from my amateur observations, I can tell you mean the world to him. And I know, he'd rather have a closed off you, than no you at all. And, if you are even half as sad as you say you are, I'd say that's a good indicator that you two are better together."
My lips clasp together as I turn towards the stage, taking another deep breath.
I don't know how I'm going to get him back, but I need to.
I need him.
...
The graduation ceremony passes quickly, and before I know it, I'm standing outside, taking pictures with my friends. Our parents are standing in a line, all snapping photos. Both Casey and Christian are here too, popping in for photos here and there.
We've just taken what I hope is our last photo, and I move over to my mom's who both pull me into a tight hug. I haven't told them about why I'm sad, although I know that they can sense something is up. They'll make me crack soon enough, which, probably with my luck, will be on the plane.
"Hmph." A loud clearing of a throat pulls me back to my friends. Christian's mom is standing in front of him and Lera with her phone propped up, with Lera's mom doing the same. Once he sees that we're all watching him, Christian takes Lera's hand, pulling her out of a conversation with another of our classmates. She looks confused as she's led into the large circle that we've made for her. Christian just smiles broadly at her, and I can practically see her confusion melting away when he lowers himself onto the ground, on one knee. She places her free hand over her mouth as Christian begins relaying a quiet, romantic speech, and I watch around me as everyone begins to tear up. Others, just casually standing nearby have become interesting in what's happening, a collective gasp hitting the air. By the time Christian has finished relaying his message of undying love, and when Lera has agreed to marry his romantic ass, I'm surprised to find tears brewing in my own eyes. I turn away from the happy couple just as Christian stands up, my eyes searching the crowd involuntarily.
My gaze falls on him instantly. He's shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants looking annoyed as he stands with an older woman. I presume she's Bailey's mother, although she looks really stressed out. Like she's fretting perhaps, but about what? I know Bailey doesn't seem to impressed with having to visit his mum whenever he has to, but he never told me why.
I guess I'll never know, now.
I don't realize he's looking at me until he raises his hand, waving once. He's got a sad look in his eyes, the same one he had the other night. With more tears brimming in my eyes, I raise my own hand, twisting it from side to side once. I drop our cross-campus stare, needing a second to think.
Okay, I can do this. This is my last chance to tell him how I feel, so I need to do it, no excuses, no nothing.
I love Bailey Whitlock, and I'm allowed to. And he loves me back. The feeling is mutual, more than mutual perhaps. I'm allowed to tell him how I feel, and I don't have to be so scared.
I go to walk towards him, my heart sinking when I see him trailing his mother, out towards the carpark.
I turn back to my friends, no longer having to bite back the emotions I feel, as it seems everyone else in a five-mile radius is crying too. I hug Lera and Christian quickly, before stepping aside to let them hug each other once again.
I guess this is goodbye. There's no more tomorrow, no more time to fix anything. Just goodbye.
Goodbye Willowshire.
A/n:
heelo lovelies
okay not me tearing up when writing that last past, i'm so emotional rn it's not even funny
there's only one more (what????) chapter left of this book before the epilogue, and i think it's going to be a goodie, so stay tuned for that one :)
lot's of love to all you lovely people
em, xx