My body froze, and I nearly dropped my cell phone. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. Surely I hadn’t heard him right.
“God Connor, they fucking hurt you!”
My body began to tremble violently, my blood running cold. Blake had played me. He had lied to me to make me feel safe and secure so that it would hurt that much worse when I got the call from Luka.
“He took Felix home and then came back. He told me he had to show me something important. He said he had been worried about you, so to see if your parents h-h-hurt you, he set the situation up. He feels so bad about it, but he was glad he caught them in the act. Now we have proof they do that to you. God Connor, how could we have not known?” He was crying so hard I could barely understand him.
“Luka…honest…it rarely happens,” I said weakly. “Let it go. Please let it go.”
“Connor, you’re abused! You’re abused and I was too stupid to even realize it! You’ve gone through hell since you came out to them, huh? And you pretended none of it was happening. You pretended that you had this great relationship with them. They acted like you didn’t even exist!”
I felt my head starting to throb again. “Luka, please. You can’t tell anyone. Please,” I whispered. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
“Connor, I can tell my dad. He can help you. He can get you away from them,” he said, his voice pleading with me.
“I don’t want to get away from them!” I said, trying to regain my calm. “Luka, please, they’re my mom and dad. Just promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
“Connor-”
“Please, Luka. For me.”
He hesitated. “Fine,” he said, sounding horribly defeated. “For right now. But you’re coming over tomorrow and we’re talking about this.”
“It’s not as bad as it looked Luka,” I said silently.
“I know what I saw Connor. Don’t even try to lie to me about this. I can’t stand the thought of anyone hurting you, especially your parents.”
“I’m going to go now. I love you Luka. Don’t worry yourself too much,” I said and hung up before he could reply.
I fell back on my bed and stared at my ceiling. There was no way to get myself out of this one. I couldn’t lie my way out of it.
God, Blake had taken this revenge too far. This wasn’t revenge anymore. This was just cold hearted cruelty. I honestly hadn’t known that Blake had been capable of something like this.
I could imagine him home right now, smirking to himself. He knew he had won. It was only a matter of time before he told Luka about the affair. Hell, it might only be a matter of time before Luka told his dad about my parents.
I got up and went to my neighbor’s house, silently helping him for a few hours. When I was done, he paid me, thanked me, gave me a concerned look, and watched me walk back to my house. I felt like a zombie. It felt like my world was officially over.
Once I was back in my room, I dug around in my drawer until I produced sleeping pills. I saved them for the hard nights like this.
I took a few and flicked my lights off, lying down and squeezing my eyes shut, waiting for the pills to drag me into unconsciousness.
***
I rang the doorbell, still feeling like a zombie. Luka opened the front door and his eyes watered as he looked at me.
He grabbed my hand and led me into the house and upstairs to his bedroom. I wasn’t surprised to see Blake sitting on his bed with a neutral expression.
“Tell us the truth Connor,” Luka choked out. “No lying. Tell us everything.”
I nodded at him and sat down with him on the bed. I nervously twirled a piece of hair around my finger.
“I came out to them. They were homophobic. You guys knew that, and you knew they stopped talking to me. When you got too concerned, I told you that things had gotten better. That they were talking to me again, even if it wasn’t as much as before.”
I took a deep breath as Luka squeezed my hand. I looked down at him, and the concern in his eyes killed me.
“But things weren’t better,” I finally admitted. “They just pretended I wasn’t there anymore. One day, I was their beloved son, and the next, I was invisible. I buy my own food. I take care of myself. They don’t abuse me. They just run into me if I get in their way. Because to them, I’m not actually there. They can’t see me, they can’t hear me. Connor never existed. They never had a son.”
I dropped my gaze and shrugged, pretending it was no big deal. And as much as it hurt, it was nothing new. I hated it, but I was the invisible boy to them. That was all.
“Connor, we can get you away from them,” Luka started, but I shot him a look that shut him up.
“Why don’t you get it Luka? I don’t want to be away from them! They’re my mom and dad!” I said, hearing the pain in my own voice. “And somewhere, deep down, dead and buried, they loved me. And call me crazy, but I have this dream of one day finding that part of them. If you take me away from them, you’ll make everything so much worse. I know my home situation. I can handle it. You’re not helping! Just leave it alone!”
I was shouting by the end of that. I winced at the sound of my own voice and dropped my gaze again, this time guilty that I had yelled at Luka.
“I’m sorry,” I said, lowering my voice again.
“But Connor…what about all those times you said you were with your parents? Where were you?” Blake asked, finally speaking up. His eyes glinted smugly.
Luka’s eyes widened a little and he looked at me. “Yea Connor. Where were you?” he asked nervously.
I looked at Blake, hating him deeply.
My head began to throb and my heart began to slam a little harder, making my chest hurt. I wet my lips and looked down at Luka, suddenly finding myself unable to meet his eyes.
I could tell him right here, and right now. I could tell him the truth about the affair, and let him decide what happened to our relationship.
But I also realized what that knowledge would do to Luka. I wasn’t afraid to tell him. I knew I deserved the consequences, and he deserved the knowledge. I was just terrified of what the knowledge would do to someone as sweet and gentle as Luka.
“Connor?” Luka gripped my arm, looking desperate. “Connor, what are you hiding from me?”
“Well Connor?” Blake asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “We’re waiting.”
“You’re a real piece of shit Blake,” I snarled.
“Yea, you’re one to talk,” he said, glaring at me. “Go ahead and tell Luka where you really were when you claimed to be with your parents.”
“Why don’t you go fuck off?” I snapped. I had to tell Luka. If I didn’t tell him, Blake would tell him. He shouldn’t have to hear it from Blake’s mouth. I should be the one to confess to my sin.
But Blake had lost his patience with me by this point. “Tell him where you were Connor! Tell him all about how you claimed to be with your parents when you were off cheating on him and having sex!” he practically screamed. “Tell him, you lying piece of shit!”
Luka froze. His grip on my arm weakened. He looked up at me, looking like he couldn’t believe what he had just heard.
“You shut your god damn mouth!” he growled at Blake. “Connor wouldn’t do that! Connor would never cheat on me!”
“Get it through your thick head Luka. He cheated on you. Want to know how I know? Because he was fucking me!” Blake said. His eyes were full of honesty, hate, and agony. “He was having sex with me behind your back!”
Luka slapped his hands over his ears, squeezing his eyes shut. “Shut up Blake! You’re lying!” he screamed desperately.
He slowly pulled his hands away from his ears and opened his eyes. He turned those now watering eyes on me.
“He’s lying, isn’t he Connor? You wouldn’t…you’re not…” He seemed to be struggling for the words, but he gave up. He just stared at me now.
“I’m sorry Luka,” I whispered. They were the only words I could find. “I’m so sorry.”
“Tell him Connor,” Blake said flatly.
“That day I went to Blake’s house to work on the conclusion…I ended it with him. I’m sorry Luka. We said we were doing science projects, and we weren’t. I’m sorry Luka. When I started acting strange, it’s because the guilt was crushing me. I’m sorry Luka. I lied to you. I’m sorry Luka. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to destroy you with the knowledge. I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to be loyal to you. It’s why I ended everything. I love you Luka, so much. I never lied about that, not once. But I…” My voice trailed off and I fought back the tears threatening to rise in my eyes. “Fuck, I don’t know!”
Luka stared at me, and I was pretty sure he was in shock. We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes as my words caught up to Luka and understanding slowly entered his eyes.
He gaze darted between me and Blake. I felt like I could almost hear the sound of Luka’s heart shattering in his chest.
“Did Felix know?” he asked quietly.
Blake and I shook our heads.
“And you guys had sex together? While Connor and I were dating?”
Blake and I nodded.
“Did you have sex a lot?”
Blake and I nodded.
“And you both lied to me, the entire time?”
Blake and I nodded.
“And that’s why you two have been fighting?”
Blake and I nodded.
Luka took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay,” he said, no emotion in his voice. “Okay, I get it now.”
Suddenly, he burst into tears. He turned and drove his fist into my chest, causing me to let out a surprised yelp. I struggled to keep my balance as he did it again.
“How could you?” he shrieked. But there was no anger in his voice. Only betrayal and agony, which made it even worse. “How could you? I trusted you Connor! I love you!” He continued to punch me in the chest as hard as he possibly could.
But his punches grew weak and he clutched my shirt, burying his face in my chest as he sobbed. “How could you?”
I held him tightly. “I love you Luka. I’m so sorry. God, I’m sorry,” I said miserably.
He pushed himself away from me and got up, slowly backing away from his bed. His eyes darted between me and Blake, and he looked like a frightened animal.
Luka wiped at his eyes. “Get out,” he said, wrapping his arms around himself. “Both of you just get out. I need to think.”
“Luka-”
“Get out!” he begged, pointing at his bedroom door. “I don’t want to hear it Connor. Both of you just get out of my house. I trusted you guys, and you went off and fucked behind my back!”
“Give it up Connor. It was over from the moment we kissed,” Blake said. His voice was silent, and I could see pain in his eyes. But I could also tell that he’d been expecting this, and he was accepting it.
He left Luka’s bedroom and I followed him, wincing as Luka slammed the door and locked it. We went downstairs and left his house together.
“How could you tell him Blake? Don’t you understand what you’ve just done to him?” I cried.
“He needed to know Connor. You weren’t the only one who hurt him. The guilt was killing me. It wasn’t just how much I hate you that made me do it. It was the guilt. Whatever happens next, we deserve it,” he said coldly.
“Luka,” I moaned, staring at his house. “He’s so crushed. He’s alone in his room, crying and hating us. God fucking dammit!”
Blake put a firm hand on my shoulder and spun me to face him. “Do you know what makes it even worse Connor? Worse than us fucking each other behind his back?”
“How could anything be worse than that?” I demanded, resisting the urge to smack his hand off of my shoulder.
“This.” Blake leaned forward and crashed his lips onto mine passionately. My feelings swelled up in my chest, and all the times I had told Blake I loved him flashed through my mind.
Blake pulled away from me, looking into my eyes. “It’s the fact that I love you, and you love me. You told me you didn’t, but that was just another one of your lies, wasn’t it? And that just makes it so much worse for Luka, because somehow, he’s going to know that.”
“I love him Blake,” I whispered, my vision blurring. I wiped the tears out of my eyes.
“You used me at first, didn’t you?”
I nodded at him, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Yea. I did. But only at first. I needed to feel recognized. You don’t know what it’s like,” I said, my voice cracking and my eyes watering again. This time, I didn’t wipe the tears away. “But after that, I realized that I did love you, Blake. Just not the way I loved Luka. I loved you, but I was in love with him.”
I sat down on the hood of my car and buried my face in my hands. “And now I’ve lost him. I’ve lost the only person who loves me, and the only person who I loved back.”
Blake sat next to me. “That’s not true Connor,” he said quietly. “I love you. You broke my heart, but I know I still love you.”
Blake let out a bitter laugh. “What a fucked up situation.”
I pulled my face away from my hands, tears flowing silently down my cheeks. “I have to get home,” I mumbled, standing up.
“Don’t do anything stupid Connor,” Blake said, hesitating as he moved towards his car. “You don’t know for sure if you’ve lost him. So don’t, you know, hurt yourself or anything.” He grimaced. “Well, I got my revenge. And quite frankly, I’m glad as hell I did, and I’m glad as hell that Luka knows now. But for what it’s worth…part of me is sorry.”
Without another word to me, he got in his car and pulled out of Luka’s driveway.
I looked up at Luka’s house and got in my car. I pulled out and took off to my own house, back to being the invisible boy. I had lost everybody.
I pulled into the driveway and got out of my car. I went inside and started towards my room before stopping. My chest hurt so badly now that I could barely even stand. I looked over and saw my dad sitting on the couch, my mom walking out of the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn.
I went out and stood in front of her, hate and desperation coursing through me. She knocked me to the ground roughly, kicking me and sitting on the couch, smiling at dad and offering him the bowl of popcorn.
“Are you happy?” I asked them quietly, lying on the ground. I propped myself up onto my elbows and glared at them, my eyes watering.
“Are you fucking happy?” I screamed. “I lost everything! I lost my mom, my dad, my best friend, and now Luka! I have nothing and nobody. You guys are supposed to love me no matter what, but you don’t even give a fuck!”
I got up shakily, clutching my chest as tears rolled down my cheeks. Now I knew how Blake felt. When you wanted to hate someone for what they put you through, but your love for them was so potent that it fucked up your head. Made you a different person. Let you do ugly things you wouldn’t normally do.
Broke you beyond repair and changed who you were for the worst.
“Forget it,” I mumbled, as they went on talking to each other, nothing in their eyes giving away the fact that they knew I was here.
I turned and went into my bedroom, shutting the door and collapsing on my bed. I curled up into a tight ball and swallowed down the lump in my throat, fighting off tears.
“I have no right to cry. I brought this on myself. God I hope Luka’s okay,” I said miserably.
Now everything was in Luka’s hands. I wouldn’t blame him if he cut off all ties with me and Blake. All I knew was that I would never forgive myself for hurting Luka so badly, and I just prayed that he was okay.
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A.N.- What do you guys think? D: