A/N: short chapter today, sorry guys lol enjoy regardless and leave me votes and comments. I love to hear your thoughts. :) Happy reading my babies 💛
"So what are you going to do now?" Jungkook asks over lunch. We ended up falling asleep again after everything this morning and woke up way past noon. I made us lunch while he sat and read over some emails but only after I insisted I didn't need help.
"I'm not sure. I said I'd call him. I'm honestly not sure what to say though. I basically told him I was ok with being his fuck buddy and that I just wanted him to be honest with me about everything but then the second he starts telling me the truth, I shut him out and ran away. Literally." I sigh, putting my chopsticks down.
"Maybe it's time you were honest with yourself, too." He says.
"What do you mean? I was. I told him how I felt. I told him I have feelings for him."
"I mean about why this upsets you so much. You say you don't want a relationship but you do. Otherwise him not wanting one wouldn't be an issue. Him not wanting to commit and be exclusive wouldn't bother you."
"But I'm not ready for that kind of commitment."
"Aren't you? Or are you using that as an excuse? Because he's said he's not either yet you keep pushing it on him and when he stands his ground, you run away. I just think you're not the kind of person that would rather have a fling. I think you're the kind of person that prefers a committed relationship and that's what's driving you mad, because he's not. He'd rather have the flings and the one night stands than to commit. And you're both extremely stubborn so getting either of you to admit it or change your minds is going to be damn near impossible."
"Maybe you're right." I sigh after I think about what he's said for a while.
"So now what?"
"I don't know. But I can start with talking to him and see where that goes, I guess."
"No matter what happens, I'll still be here. I meant what I said. I want you and I'll be here when you decide you're ready to let me love you. Because I'm not afraid to admit my feelings for you and I'm not gonna run away." He gets up from the table and comes over by me. He takes my face in his hands and kisses me, slowly but fiercely. He slides his tongue against mine and nibbles on my lip before he parts from me, leaving me completely breathless. "Maybe wear a scarf or something? I got carried away. I'm sorry." He says before he kisses the hickey he left on my neck.
"Maybe if I'm lucky he'll think he did it. I'll cover up."
"Sorry." He smirks.
"No you're not." I roll my eyes.
"No, I'm not." He chuckles. "I'll clean up. You go get ready."
"Kookie, can I ask you something?"
"Anything, baby."
"Why are you doing this? Why are you being so supportive?"
"I'm not. I just know he's gonna mess up so bad that you won't be able to keep turning a blind eye. But I also know that you have genuine feelings for him. So until that day comes, I'll be here, watching from the sidelines and waiting for you to choose me." He says with a sad smile.
"I'm sorry for hurting you, Kookie. You know I don't meant to."
"I know, baby. I know. You can't help who you love. I'm just sorry I can't protect you from the pain. But I'll be here to make it better when it hurts too much." He gives me another kiss and starts to pick up the dishes so he can clean up.
I go and get ready and throw on some sweats and crop sweatshirt before texting Jimin.
Me: Hey.
JM: Hi baby. I miss you. 😘😘😘
Me: Are you home?
JM: Yes.
Me: Your home or your shared home?
JM: Still at my apartment jagi.
Me: Ok. I'll be there soon.
JM: Ok baby, I'll be waiting. 😘
"Go ahead. I'll finish here and head home." Says JK when he sees me look up at him from my phone.
I go to him and kiss him on the cheek before I go.
"I'm sorry." I say. He shakes his head and gives me a smile.
"Don't be. Do what's best for you. I've already said my peace. Text me later, ok?" He kisses me on the lips. I nod at him and turn to walk away when he grabs me by the waist and spins me back towards him. "I don't know when I'll get a chance to do this again so I guess I'd better make it count." He says before he takes my lips in his once again. He kisses me so intensely that I'm out of breath as soon as it starts. He continues for a while, caressing my tongue with his, sucking and biting on my lips until the searing feeling on his lips is burned into my own when we part. "Just remember one thing while you're with him. I'm not afraid to love you. I'm not afraid of giving you everything you want. I'm more than willing, you don't even have to ask." He places one more kiss on my lips before he finally lets me go. I'm completely breathless and left panting when he finally lets go. I tell him goodbye and head towards the door and out to my car, feeling so bad and guilty for leaving him like this.
The whole drive to Jimin's all I think about are the things Kookie told me. If everything he said about him sleeping around are true, nothing I do or say is going to make him change that. He's going to try and say whatever to appease me and keep me happy...for now. But Kookie is more than willing to give me what I want. And I'd be a damn liar if I said I didn't have feelings for him too. On paper, Kookie is the better choice, the safe choice. But I can't just ignore these intense feelings for Jimin either. I'm so torn, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just hear him out and see what he has to say. Only then will I know in my heart what is right for me.
I get to his apartment complex and hurry on upstairs. I'm anxious to get this started but the longer I put it off, the worse it'll be so I don't waste any time. I almost started to put the code to his door in but I think better of it. I ring the doorbell instead. About a minute later, he opens the door. His surprise turns into joy when he sees it's me and he pulls me into a hug and brings me inside before closing the door.
"I missed you. So much." Says Jimin. He pulls his face away from me a little to look at me and I try to return his smile but I'm having a hard time through all the anxiety and knots in my stomach. He gives me a peck on the lips and I pull away before it can turn into anything more. I did not come here for sex. I came here to talk and I was going to follow through on that.
"Baby, I'm so sorry. I promise you, I didn't mean to hurt or upset you. I swear I didn't." He starts. He takes my hand and leads me to the living room and we sit on the couch next to each other but I put a little bit of distance between us. I know if he starts to touch me, I'll lose every bit of self control and I can't have my carnal desires taking over right now. Because no matter what happens, one thing I know for certain. I will always want him in that way.
"I know. I know. I freaked out and I ran away, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. It's just..."
"Just what, jagi? Talk to me, please."
"I didn't realize how much I like you, Jimin. Hearing you say you've been with other women and are still with them even though you're with me...it hurt. And I know we never agreed on anything. I know we never said we would be official or anything and we're not dating, we're just going with the flow and having fun, but it still stung. Because I didn't expect to catch feelings especially not this fast. I want more, but I know you don't so it hurts because you're what I want and can't have. I just don't know how to navigate this. I don't know how to do this without feeling jealous and upset that someone else has your attention, even if you end up coming back to me every time. That's not who I am." I think back to the words Kookie used to describe me and realize that he's right. Everything he said was true. "I'm a woman that prefers to be in a committed relationship. I'm happiest when I can be with one person and know that person is solely loyal and committed to me. Anything else just doesn't work for me, it doesn't make me happy and if I've learned anything over the last few years, and months especially, is that I deserve to be happy, too. My feelings matter, too."
"Baby, what are you saying?" His voice is so small. I look up to him, not realizing I was looking down at my hands this whole time and his eyes look so glossy. He looks like he's about to cry.
"I can't do this anymore, Jimin. I think we need to stop." I feel the tears forming in my own eyes too.
"Babe, please. Please don't leave me. Stay with me, I need you."
"That's the thing, Jimin. How can I leave when you and I aren't anything to each other? I can't tell people about you and even if I could, what would I say? 'Hey, this is the guy I fuck sometimes.?' This little game is only hurting us. Probably me more than you, if I'm being honest. You have others to fall back on. I just have me. If you really needed me, you'd try. You don't need me. You just want me for your collection."
"That's not true! I want you because I want you with me. I like having you here, I like spending time with you. It's not just about sex, y/n. It's who you are as a person, I want that in my life, I need it!"
"Then why aren't I enough? Why won't you choose me, really choose me, Jimin? Why does it have to be this hard?!" Tears are falling from both our eyes now. I tried so hard to stop them but I can't. My voice is shaky through the tears, as much as I try I just can't control it.
"Let's date then. Really date. You can tell whoever that you're dating me, you can introduce me as the guy you're seeing, hell you can even tell your mom about me. I don't care, just please. Stay with me."
I think about his words and I almost want to be happy until I realize that 'dating' isn't that much different than what we've been doing. It doesn't mean we'll be exclusive, it doesn't mean we'll be in a relationship and it doesn't mean he'll be committed to me. He's just using different terms to get me to give him what he wants.
"Isn't that what we've been doing? If we date, would you be seeing and sleeping with me and only me? Will we be exclusive to each other?"
"Baby, we'll see how it goes. Isn't that the whole point of dating?"
"You're doing it again."
"Doing what, jagi?"
"You're giving me what I want without actually giving me what I want."
"Baby, come on. Please. I want you. Don't end things. Don't walk away from us."
"I can't walk away from something that wasn't there to begin with. I'm done, Jimin. I'm not doing this anymore. Don't text me, don't call me, don't address me with pet names anymore. I'm just Y/N. There's nothing left for me here." I start to get up but he grabs my wrist and pulls me towards him before I can make it around the couch.
He kisses me before I have a chance to pull away and holds me firmly in place so that I can't leave. His kisses are hungry and desperate, he doesn't even give me a chance to catch my breath. Before I can stop myself, I'm kissing him back. I'm matching his intensity, bite for bite, my tongue in his mouth and his in mine. He half turns and comes down on the couch, pulling me with him and now I'm straddling him as our heated kiss continues. He pulls my waist closer to him so I'm rubbing on his hardening cock, my hands are in his hair and his hands are now working to take my hoodie off. Once he pulls it off, he goes straight for my neck and my jaw, leaving even more hickeys on me. I'm moaning through the pleasure and pain as he moves his kisses lower to my breasts and kisses me through my bra.
I feel his hands go to my bra clasp and as he's trying to undo it, I open my eyes and I have a single second of clarity before he pulls it off and attaches his mouth to my nipple. This is what he wants. He wants to distract me so I can forget about everything, so I can ignore everything I've said and do exactly the opposite. He wants to play me for a puppet and keep me in his collection of toys to be used when he wants, so that I don't leave.
He starts kissing my neck again but before things progress further, I push him away and get up from his lap.
"Baby, no. Come here, let me show you how much I want you." he's breathless.
"No, Jimin. I told you that I'm done and I mean it." I say as I grab my bra and hoodie and put them back on.
"How can you deny how well we work together? Your body responds to me, you want me and I want you. Just stay, baby." he says as he tries to reach for me again. I move away from him and around the couch towards the door.
"No. I'm done. We're done. Go call one of your other little toys and play with them. I'm not doing this anymore."
I walk out of his apartment before anything else can be said. I can't risk him clouding my judgment again. I get in the car and without thinking, I grab my phone and punch his contact. I almost hang up when the phone starts to ring but he answers right away.
"Hello?" He says.
"Where are you?" I ask. I'm still a little breathless.
"My house."
"Text me the address? Can I come by?" I ask before I have a chance to change my mind.
"You can come by whenever you want, you know you're always welcome. I'll text it now."
"I'll see you in a little bit."
"Ok, I'll be waiting."
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