'Can I ask you something?' I look up from my nails and lift my head. Novak's blue eyes look at me from above me.
'Yes,' I reply softly. I listen to Novak's steady heartbeat as my head rests on his bare chest. He pulls the blanket further over us and puts his arm over my side.
The rest of our day consisted of searching and collecting the products on the list. We hardly had any dinner, although Alex insisted on it. We were both so tired that, after a sandwich from the baker, we went to bed.
We are now several hours later, I have no idea of the exact time. Judging by the amount of light along the curtain, it is towards or into the night.
Although I am still not completely used to Novak's touch, I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with it. Since we have shared the tent I have been sleeping against him regularly, lying in his arms. I feel safe with him and sometimes, just for a moment, I forget Christiaan. Those moments are few, but they are new. There wasn't a moment when I didn't feel dirty, didn't feel Christiaan's hands on my body or didn't see his eyes in front of mine.
'What is your worst memory?' Novak asks as his fingers glide very gently over my sides. I sigh deeply and close my eyes.
'Why do you want to know?' I ask back.
'Someone's low points shape them more than their high points. It says something about someone's formation and the way they deal with similar situations.' He has a point. I marvel at his wisdom from time to time.
I think back to the bad moments that I have experienced. I have many but there are two that immediately come to mind.
The first is logical and easy to pronounce, the other less so. Just thinking about those events makes me instantly nauseous and makes my heart rate rise. I know Novak can hear my heartbeat, but still he says nothing.
'The day my mother died,' is my first response. I hate that day. The look in my father's eyes, Elien's reaction, my mother's lifeless body on the bed. I felt so powerless.
It was also the beginning of the great amount of misery in my life. From that moment on, everything changed. My father became the man he is, I was married off and the wars began. I still miss my mother sometimes. Not as much as I used to, but it remains.
Novak wants to say something to my answer but I am ahead of him. I have to say this out loud now, otherwise I will never do it. Novak has a right to hear this answer after all my strange behaviour around this subject. Besides, I have never spoken it, never shared it with anyone. I don't intend to lay the whole story on the table now but to acknowledge it at all as a bad memory is already quite a step.
'And...my...wedding night,' I say in an almost whispered tone. I don't have to explain why that is my bad memory. I regularly relive it in my dreams.
I try to control my breathing and keep my eyes tightly shut. Novak's heartbeat remains steady while his fingers continue to glide over my side.
'Do you want to talk about one, or both?' he asks softly. I immediately shake my head. Both memories are wounds that are still wide open and need a lot of time to heal.
'Okay. If you ever do want to, you can always say so.' It is silent for a while. Both of us seem lost in thought. The silence is pleasant. I want to ask Novak what his worst memory is, but somehow I don't dare. I don't want to judge him, and I'm afraid I will.
'My worst memory is the day I had to drink blood for the first time from a human being.' I lift my head and look at him in surprise. I don't know what I expected, but this answer certainly doesn't. It explains why he doesn't show his vampire side much and doesn't talk about it.
He looks at the ceiling. I lean on my arm to look at him. He sighs.
'When you're a kid and have the vampire gene, it doesn't do anything to you. Only once you're sixteen does it start to show up. I knew right away that I didn't want to hurt people for my hunger, so I refused. It made me so weak that my father came up with the idea of feeding on animals. I did that and it went well for a while. When I almost turned eighteen, the age when you are a full vampire, I couldn't keep the animal blood down. My body started rejecting it, and I starved again. It got so bad that I could barely walk. My father intervened and forced me to bite a human from the dungeons. That is my bad memory.' This explains so much about how he deals with his vampire side. It explains why he is not the bloodthirsty vampire that was always told.
He turns his head so our eyes meet. He smiles slightly, but the pain is reflected in his blue eyes.
For a moment, I stare into his eyes before I do something I did not expect of myself. I lean forward, put my hand on his cheek, and gently press my lips to his.
Novak seems momentarily startled by my unexpected action before he joins in the kiss.
The kiss is gentle, exploratory, and without any pressure. This is the second kiss I've shared with Novak, and I'm already feeling much more comfortable with it than last time.
I position myself better by putting my leg between his. I end up lying half on top of him, half on my arm. He wraps his arms around my ribs and pulls me closer to himself. Novak takes more of a lead in the kiss, turning it into a deeper one.
Our lips slide over each other faster and faster. Novak lets his tongue slide over my lips, which makes me open my lips a little bit for him automatically.
The kisses I shared with Christiaan were so different. I felt nothing more or less than fear. This kiss makes me feel at ease, relaxed, and perhaps even a little curious for more.
I am so engrossed in the feeling of our tongues passing each other that I only realize that Novak turns us around as soon as I am lying on my back under him.
For a moment, I break the kiss to see what position I'm in. He is lying half on top of me with his legs between mine and his arms supporting my head. He looks at me questioningly and a little worriedly.
'Do you think this is okay? If there is anything you don't want or if there is something you don't like, just say it straight away, and I will stop.' I just nod. The truth is that I am okay with this. I feel at ease and safe. A small smile appears on his face before he connects our lips again.
I wrap my arms around Novak's neck, entwining my fingers into his hair. His calm and gentle demeanor is a welcome change for me, and I long to become accustomed to it. Our kiss deepens, and I lose myself in the moment, my hands wandering through his hair.
As he presses his hips against mine, I momentarily tense up, but quickly realize that there's nothing to fear. Surprisingly, I find myself welcoming his touch, even as his hand slides under my nightgown and caresses my side.
I feel my heart race with anticipation as his fingers trace my ribs and move towards my breasts. Novak pauses when his fingers reach the side of my right breast, looking at me questioningly.
Without hesitation, I nod my approval, hungry for more of his touch. His warm hand covers my chest, and I feel my breath catch in my throat as he gently squeezes my breasts before his fingers envelop my nipple. The sensation is electric, causing me to grip his hair tightly.
He moves his lips to my neck, planting kisses that send shivers down my spine. I close my eyes and let myself revel in the new feelings coursing through my body. As he finds a spot that elicits a moan from me, his hand slides down my side, leaving me feeling both excited and scared.
Novak looks at me, his blue eyes penetrating mine as his hand moves to the inside of my thigh. I feel my breath falter once more.
'May I touch you?'