I woke up during sunrise. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. It was only 5:30 in the morning. I was rising from bed when something fell from my body and dropped to the floor. I looked at it to find a black book then it hit me. It was Bella's journal.
The entries I read last night flooded with my thoughts. I immediately picked up the book and read again. This is what was written...
Entry 67
I went to Edward's house today and his house is huge. I can't believe he calls it just a house. Royalties can actually live there. The interior is also as beautiful as the exterior. I met Edward's mom and she was really beautiful and kind and she even hugged me like she knew me for years, like I was no stranger to her. I finally officially met Alice Cullen. She was really pretty and cute and nice.
Edward and I proceeded to our report. When we think we had done enough, we just decided to talk. We continued his story. Then, when we were through with his, I told him mine. Edward was so kind and very encouraging. When I told him that the student body nominated me as Queen Bee just to break the votes, he told me that that wasn't true. He made me feel like I was really beautiful. Then when I told him about my problem with Leah, he told me that Leah was only jealous of me. He really made me feel like... I was really special. I never felt like that before. It's like he understands me before I could even tell him my problem. Am I really that special to him?
Entry 68
Oh, what a day! This was the second and last day Edward and I did our report. Edward actually asked me about my status with Jacob. Well actually, I honestly don't want to dwell on that. I was really uncertain with my feelings for Jacob. I can't tell if I love him as a lover, a friend or a brother. I just knew that I love him. Then when Edward came, I even got confused. I like Edward. I really like him but... when I asked him for an advice to ease out my confusion, he told me a very beautiful and meaningful advice. It sounded like he was in love.
He is in love! But with whom? Right that moment, I felt a prick within my heart. He's already in love with someone else. Someone that isn't me. I feel envious towards this girl that Edward loves. She is one lucky girl. At least, I know now that hoping for a chance with Edward is something next to impossible. Before I left his house, I hugged him and give him a peck on his cheek and I said goodbye. That goodbye kiss isn't just for me leaving him to go home but it was also a goodbye for my feelings for him. Maybe I should make it official with Jacob later when we meet...
Entry 69
I told Edward that Jacob and I are together now. He looked shocked. Well, who wouldn't? Even Charlie was shocked about it... but Jacob was Billy's son so he was cool with it. If only Edward liked me like the way Jacob does, I would have chosen him but who am I kidding? Edward will not like me in that way. When I hugged him, I felt like he was hugging me like he would hug a friend. I'm just a friend...
Entry 71
I asked Edward to be my duet partner in the opening number for the Autumn Concert. Actually, I really don't need a duet partner. I just want to sing with Edward again. I just want a reason so I could hang out with him. And guess what? Edward and I are best friends now. I know it's not what I exactly wanted but it was close enough. At least I could spend time with him.
Entry 75
Oh, my God... I feel so tired. This is really one hell of a day. Today was Edward's basketball competition. And of course, I came to watch. I was already out of the house and going towards my car when Jacob showed up with his dad's new truck. When Jacob found out that I was going to watch the game, he suddenly got mad. He said that I never attended any ball game competition before so why do I need to watch. I told him because I wanted to see Edward play. Then he shouted at me saying... he doesn't want me to go. I got mad. I asked him why he didn't want me to go. He told me that I just can't. I told him that I wanted to support Edward. He really was mad and didn't want me to go.
I told him that I'm leaving whether he likes it or not. He said "Fine!!! You can go but not without me.". I honestly didn't want Jacob to come along after our fight but I had no choice. Jacob and I took the truck to Seattle.
The game was cool. How come I never decided to come to these games before? Edward is so good at basketball. He was the winning shot. I did a standing ovation when he scored the last shot. Jacob stood up with me then all of a sudden, he grabbed my waist and kissed me. The kiss wasn't sweet like the ones he always gives me. It was possessive and so aggressive that I barely enjoyed it. It actually hurt. After the kiss, he said, "Let that f***er, Cullen, know who you belong to." I got furious... so furious that I walked out at him. He caught up with me when we were already in the parking lot. Emmett was already beside us. I texted Edward to congratulate him then I told Emmett that I had to go. I walked further and Jacob followed me. I was so mad at Jacob not only because he painfully kissed me in public and the kiss wasn't genuine because he did it just to show off but also he called Edward a "f***er". I was so mad at him that I defended Edward and told him that his the real f***er. He got pissed and walked out on me and went home, leaving me behind without a ride. If Alice didn't look for me, I would have taken a cab or a bus to get home. I told her the gist of my problem. Jasper offered me a ride home but Alice invited me to join them for dinner first. I wanted to go home but Alice was so persistent that I gave in.
At the diner, Edward asked me what happened. I told him only little about what happened. I can't tell him he was the cause of our fight. That would be awkward to tell him. Then suddenly Tanya came along and she sat beside Edward and scooted closer to him. At that moment, I was so shocked. I thought she was the girl that Edward is in love with.
Tanya insulted me. She even brought up James. I didn't flirt with James. He's the one who's been stalking me. I was ignoring him but he got obsessed and he kidnapped me. If it wasn't for Jacob, I would be dead by now. James's death was an accident. Jacob and Embry were fighting him off while Quil was getting me out of the cabin James had me hostage in. During the struggle, James unintentionally hit himself with a wooden plank which caused him some blood clothing inside which led to his death.
Anyway, Edward defended me. I never saw him that angry before. I never knew he can say those words to Tanya even his friends and family seemed shocked with his outburst. I felt fluttered. Really fluttered..... Am I really that important to him?
Entry 80
Today, Edward and I practiced our opening number. I'm so excited for the Autumn Concert. Then there is also the Halloween Ball to look forward to. Edward will not go. I wanted him to go. Well, I just really want a chance to dance with him. Oh my God, Bella!!! You already have a boyfriend and you're daydreaming about your best friend. I honestly feel like a total bitch for loving two guys at the same time. Is it even possible? But who do I love more? Do I really have to ask? Because the first person that always pops into my head when I ask that question to myself and makes my heart skip a beat is only Edward. Oh God, I'm in love with my best friend.
Entry 82
The Autumn Concert went well.... I think? Well, my duet performance with Edward was the greatest. But then there were some male contestants who were really annoying. Like who would be in the right mind to dedicate their songs to me, a judge, in the singing competition. It was really awkward especially when one of them won first place. It actually almost ruined my mood. But anyway, I was really determined to have a photo of me with Edward so I called him up the stage to give the award. I positioned myself beside him.
I immediately got copies of the pictures. I cropped the pictures so it would look like that it was a photo of Edward and me together. It was a good thing that Edward kept a little distance from John Kaiser. I was able to crop him out of the picture easily.
Entry 85
I wasn't able to write about last night. I was so depressed. Jacob cheated on me with Leah. It wouldn't be this painful if he cheated on me with someone else other than Leah. Anyone but Leah...
How could he do that to me? Or is this some form of karma? Because emotionally I had been cheating on him.... I really don't know. I trusted Jacob. I trusted him with my feelings. I trusted him thinking he was true. I thought he will make my feelings for Edward disappear. But on the contrary, he made my feelings for Edward grew.
I remembered the Halloween Ball last night. It was so magically embarrassing and amazing. Edward and I were both vampires last night. I bet Alice had something to do with this. I told her I was going as a vampire. I actually felt drunk last night. I think someone had spiked the drinks. Anyway, I almost told Edward that I like him. We were talking about vampires and werewolves. Edward and I are both vampires but I'm dating a werewolf, which was Jacob's costume last night. He told me that I shouldn't be defying nature since vampires and werewolves are natural enemies. I told him that if he was suggesting that I should date him instead of Jacob. I really hoped he had said yes but he was only silent so I laughed just so it would appear that I was only kidding.
We danced to the song "Two is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls". We also sang it together. It felt like the song was meant for us... if only we were a couple. If only he loves me the way I do to me. We are in that scenario when Jessica cut in and told me to come with her because she wanted to show me something. I didn't know that that "something" would mean Jacob and Leah making out behind the stacked bleachers. I don't want to dwell on that anymore. Maybe I should call Edward? Yeah, that's what I am going to do.
Entry 89
I love hanging out with Edward. He makes me really happy. I almost forget about the thing with Jacob.
Entry 97
Edward... Edward... Edward... Edward... I just can't stop thinking of him.
Entry 103
EDWARD ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♫♫♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫☺☺☺☺☺
I just can't stop thinking about him...
Entry 131
I asked Edward to the dance. We are going to the Winter Ball. He seems happy that I asked him out. I thought he might say no because Alice told me before that he never like going to dances. But he said yes to me... I bet this will be blast.
Entry 132
The Winter Ball went well because I had Edward as my date. Although it was short due to some students who spiked the drinks and made Principal Harshbor mad and made us go home early. Well, Edward and I danced. I also saw Jacob and Leah dancing together. I felt sad not because I hadn't moved on yet. I already moved on but I was really regretful towards the friendship I lost with Jacob. That is what saddened me then Edward did the nicest thing by turning me away from them. He told me that he thought I didn't like the view. I smiled at him. He's right... they are not a good view... he is... my perfect view.
Entry 133
Another day without Edward... the Christmas break had just begun but I can't wait for school to start. I'm in Jacksonville, Florida with my mom and Phil. I'll spend my vacation here.
Entry 137
OH, MY GOD!!! Edward gave me a diamond necklace. It is so beautiful. I can tell it was expensive but it was really beautiful. He called me earlier and he said he thought of me when he saw the necklace. My mom thinks it looks good on me. Edward also mentioned he liked my gift for him.
Entry 145
Tanya. I hate her so much. She's a devil on earth. Classes had just resumed. I was walking to my first class when Tanya blocked my way. I don't want to deal with her. I was going to walk away when she said "Ok. Just walk away. Don't come running to me if your friend, Angela got expelled." That stopped me from walking. I asked her what she means. She said we should talk in someplace private. We went to the parking lot and went into the forest. She showed me a picture of Angela holding some empty wine bottles. It was taken in the school parking lot. Then it hit me... but Angela will never do it. She's not into alcohol. I told her that Angela would never do such a thing like spiked the drinks with alcohol. Tanya said she knew Angela didn't do it. She even told me that it was Mike and Eric who did it and Angela saw Eric and stopped him. She also explained that the photo was taken when Angela was throwing the bottles away.
I asked her "Then what does this have to do with me?". She told me she'll use the photo to frame Angela even if she knew she was innocent. I told her that that was so evil of her. I also told her that Angela hasn't done anything wrong. Tanya told me she won't proceed with her plan if I will stay away from Edward. She said if she caught me anywhere near Edward, she will immediately show the photo to the school administration. I begged her not to do it but her mind was set. I asked for until Friday to do it. She agreed. She said if she saw me anywhere near Edward after Friday, it's goodbye Angela. She also told me never mentioned it to anybody or else.
She's so evil. I can't believe I had to stay away from Edward. I love him so much that I can't imagine how will I go on without him. But Angela is at stake here... I have to do it... even if it will kill me later. I still have four days left. I have to think of a way to spend my last few days with Edward and also find a way for him to stay away from me. This is so ironic. Oh, Edward...
Entry 146
Oh my God and Oh no!!!! Edward asked me on a date Friday night. My last day with him and I am finally going on a date with him. That could be my last chance to spend time with him and to push him away. If only this was a different situation, I would have been entirely and genuinely happy but I'm not... but still, I can't wait for that day.
Entry 149
Oh my God!!! He loves me. He loves me all along. I couldn't stop crying. How can life be so cruel to me? Edward told me that he loves me. He actually confessed his feelings to me. All this time... yet I never noticed. I was the girl he was in love with. If it wasn't for Tanya's threats, if Tanya hadn't blackmailed me, I would have told him that I love him too... that I will be his girl. I would have told him everything... but I didn't. I couldn't.... I saw him how he looked when I lied to him that I didn't love him and that we couldn't be friends anymore. He looked like someone who lost everything. I knew he wanted to cry but his stopping himself.
When we were in his car, I didn't want to let him go. I was holding his arm and he was holding my hand. I wanted to kiss him but I know I shouldn't do that. It will be harder on Edward's part. I wanted him to move on with me. I thanked him for everything he has done to me. Even though I don't want to, but I told him that I hoped he finds the right one for him. When I got out of his car and went straight to my house, the moment I closed the door, I leaned on it and cried. I cried and cried. When I was tired of crying at the door, I went upstairs to my room and cried some more.
Entry 151
Alice confronted me about what happened between me and Edward. She told me that Edward never opened up to anyone. I told her to wait for Edward to speak. "He would want to talk about it someday..." that is what I told her.
Entry 154
I cried myself to sleep again. I saw Edward yesterday. He looked glum and I know it was my fault.
Entry 162
I found out that Edward was spying on me in the library. I don't know how long has he been doing that but it has to stop. Tanya might catch us. All of my efforts and endurance will be in vain if that happens so I stopped hanging out in the library.
Entry 168
Charlie confronted me about what happened between me and Edward. I told him that the feeling wasn't mutual. He didn't fuss on. I'm happy he didn't because I badly wanted to talk about it with someone.
Entry 173
I heard Emmett's parents died. I wanted to go to their funeral but I can't because I know Edward will be there.
Entry 188
I made up my mind. I'm going back to Florida to stay with my mom. I'll finish high school there and study college abroad. It will be harder for me and Edward if we are in the same school and in the same town.
Entry 200
Edward seems happier now. It's a good sign.
Entry 230
Goodbye Forks... Goodbye Edward... I hope he forgives me one day.
Entry 250
This is the last entry I will make before I send this journal to Angela. I wrote Angela a letter telling her everything and also telling her to give this journal to Edward. This entry is also my last message to Edward.
My dearest Edward,
I'm really sorry. I know you have a right to an explanation so with this journal; I let you know my thoughts. Now, that you know the truth. I hope you'll forgive me. I really don't know why all of these had happened to us but I know it happened for a reason. I don't know the reason but I wish I knew. Although, I know that one day, we'll know why we weren't meant for each other.
I love you... I shouldn't say that but I want too. I never got the chance to say it to you personally but I really love you. I hope you are ok. I wish you all the best and I hope you achieve your dreams. Don't ever look for me. I begged you. Please don't. I want you to focus on your life and family.
Though I'll promise you this... "If by chance, we'll meet again and we still have the same feelings for each other and our situation is in our favor, I won't close my door for you.". But in the meantime, don't wait for me. Enjoy your life, meet new people, go on dates, fall in love, get married and have kids... and I will do the same.
Good luck Edward and goodbye.
From: Bella
I had finished reading the journal. I don't know how will I react. I'm not confused. I know everything now. I'm just disappointed. Really disappointed... but what can I do? What's done is done. I'm not mad at Bella, of course. I am just really disappointed. Maybe Bella's right. This might happened to us because there's a reason. Maybe someday we'll both know why we weren't made for each other. Though... I still love her. I still do.