It had taken five weeks to find the courage to get to where I was standing, but I wasn't quite sure whether I would actually go through with it.
The door to Levi's quarters was intimidating. Befitting of such a man, even if I knew that wasn't all he was. Still, it didn't help my nerves.
The thought of facing him again, allowing him to talk, almost made me feel physically sick. I needed to know the reasons behind what he had done back in Shiganshina, but at the same time part of me felt like being left in the dark would be more beneficial to my psyche.
He hadn't killed Erwin - my father - I knew that, but he had passed on saving his life. That was something that I wasn't sure I could ever get past, even if, by some chance, it had been the right decision.
Jean was right...I can't keep running...
When I knocked, my knuckles hit the door a little too hard, causing the sound to become almost aggressive.
"Who is it? It's late." Levi's voice called out, and my mouth suddenly disconnected from my brain. I couldn't speak, and needed a moment to compose myself as I continued banging.
"I asked who the hell is waking me up in the middle of the damn ni-" When he opened the door, I very nearly struck his chest with my fist, having to hurry to jerk it back. It was obvious he had been sound asleep by the way his vicious glare was broken by lazy blinks, but the second his eyes focused he seemed to wake up a lot more. "Oh. This is...unexpected."
Just do what you came here to do and get out asap!
Avoiding his eyes, I pushed past him into his quarters, and he made no attempt to stop me, shutting the door in my wake.
"Tell me why." My regret swelled now that we were alone, as did my frustration. Palms sweating, I waited for him to answer.
Moving to his desk, giving me a wide birth, Levi had an almost cautious air about him.
"I'll tell you, but you won't accept my answer. I wouldn't expect you to." He was trying to be careful, and that was the one thing I respected, but I came here for a reason and I couldn't back out now.
"Just say it, Levi. Don't get the wrong idea. I didn't come here tonight in hopes of fixing...whatever it was that we had. I came to get answers, and that's it. I can't ever get past it if I don't know why you let Erwin die." My tongue was sharp when I spoke, and I wasn't sure, but I could have sworn I saw the man flinch.
Usually, Levi would have sat down at his desk, or even leant against the wall, but tonight he just stood there, crutchless against my impending wrath.
"Erwin was many things. A great leader, a tactician, a brave, cunning soldier..."
"Cut to the chase." I spat, my body tensing when I looked up, finally being caught in the trap of his stormy gaze.
"...He was also the devil incarnate."
Hearing those words pointed towards my late father cut like a knife, but I couldn't refute them. They were true, after all. He had been a devil amongst men, but that had nothing to do with the issue at hand.
"He was. Your point?" It was apparent that he was going to drag this out with some long-winded explanation, but I was willing to deal with it for the time being. My patients was thin, though.
"His entire life, Erwin fought for two things. To prove his father right, and to lead humanity, himself, to victory. The things he did, both by choice and when his hands were tied, were ruthless."
I know that! Hurry up so I can leave!
"He sent countless soldiers to their deaths over the course of his reign as commander, more than any before him...(Y/N), what I'm about to say is going to solidify your hatred of me, and I'm not sure if I'm totally prepared for that...Are you..?" Why was he trying to act so caring now? After so long? When I needed him to be his blunt, stoic self?
Biting the inside of my cheek, I nodded once. It was a stiff, uncertainly certain movement, but I was sure I meant it.
"Tell me so we can get this over and done with, Levi. Don't beat around the bush."
Hesitation filled the air as we stared at each other, the beat of the clock the only sound between us until he sucked in a long breath.
"It was a mercy killing. Erwin had done more than enough in his role as a devil."
What..?
"Wait-"
"That day, as you addressed the survivors who would fall alongside him, I gave Erwin an order, at his request." I didn't interrupt this time, almost too scared of what he was about to reveal. "To give up on his dreams and die..."
My body had decided my movements long before my brain managed to catch up. Lunging forward, my hands captured him by the collar and he did nothing to resist as I shoved him backwards into the wall. I wasn't sure what expression I wore, but I was positive it wasn't giving him the wrong idea.
"W..what the hell is wrong with you?! You were supposed to be his friend! To be there for him! Why the fuck would you tell him to do that?!" My age old injury to my shoulder burned as I throttled him by the shirt, mentally having killed him ten times over.
"He was tired, (Y/N)! Exhausted! Hadn't he already suffered enough?! Back then, at the mercy of that hairy fuck of a titan, he hesitated!" Levi suddenly bit back, seizing my wrists and turning the tables, forcing me across the room to pin me to the opposite wall. "He considered running to save his own hide, but he stayed to give humanity a chance! From the moment I met him, he would have fought tooth and nail, any chance he got, to survive! He chose to die that day!"
My emotions got the better of me as I began to tear up, and Levi screaming in my face didn't do a thing to help that. My hands twisted to reach his that held my wrists down against my chest, clawing at whatever skin they could as I struggled against his greater strength.
"He had a chance! Devil or not, he could have lived, but y..you took that away from him! You chose Armin! If he considered living...why did yo-"
"Do you seriously think that choice didn't kill me?!" I froze at the switch of Levi's tone. It wasn't just pure anger anymore. It was agonised distress. "I wish it had been me to die, because I had shit all to live for! I knew you needed him, and I took that away from you anyway!"
Once some part of me regained control of my motor function I fought back once more, craning my neck to get right in his face.
"Shut up! Nobody should have died! None of this shit should have ever happened in the first place!" This was quickly evolving into something more than just a quest for closure, but I tried not to let my other emotions take hold of me.
It was Levi. No matter how much I wanted to hate him, to pay him back for the pain that he helped cause, I still deeply cared for him. The man who had brought me back to this hellish place and prolonged my suffering was still the man I adored.
"It would have been better than this!" I had never seen Levi so apoplectic before, and despite it scaring me, it stirred something deep in my gut. "I can't cope with you hating me, you damn brat..! I thought I could, but dammit, I'm not that strong! I can live with it, but it's torture! So, unless you have anything else to say, or any more questions, then you need to leave!"
He dropped my wrists, but made no move to step back, his fast-paced breath fanning against my face as I glared at him. We were feeding off of each other's emotions now, and it was risky. Obviously neither of us were entirely stable.
"You listen to me, you pint sized asshole..!" My fists reclaimed his crushed collar and I shoved him backwards once more. "It's hard enough for me to hate you, so don't you dare, don't you fucking dare try to bring up those kinds of feelings now!"
Because I get it...
"You killed Erwin, but you didn't..! You did but you didn't, and I know that! It takes so much energy to hate you, Levi, and you don't make it easy! It should be, considering you're naturally an absolute dick, but no! I have to force it! Stop making it so hard! It hurts!"
Attempting to compose himself, the man waited to make sure I was finished raving on before looking me dead in the eyes, throwing my nerves off-balance.
"If it hurts, then don't force it."
Blinking to try and keep myself from losing myself in the realm of thunderclouds in his gaze, I dropped my hands, unable to take a step back.
"E..excuse me..?" My voice was an octave higher than I would have liked, and my jaw seemed to unclench as he leant a little closer. Too close.
"I deserve every ounce of hatred you could ever hold for me, but if it's hurting you...don't force it. Don't hate me..." A deep heat began to creep up the back of my neck and into my face, burning hotter the longer he stared at me. I'd seen that look before. "I already couldn't cope with your hate...but if it causes you pain...Just don't..."
Then...what's the alternative..?
It took every shred of my willpower to snap myself out of the daze he had placed me under, and giving my runaway mind complete autonomy, I delivered a sharp, cracking slap to the side of Levi's face.
"I came to try and seal you out of my life for good and this is what you do?! Try to act all...all...whatever the hell that just was?! What the hell is wrong with you?!" I went to strike him again, but this time Levi was prepared, and definitely back to matching my levels of hostility.
"That's it..!" Catching my wrist mid-swing, we began a violent dance around the room, me striking and he dodging and holding me back. "What the hell is wrong with you?! Grief is one thing, but you can't come in here and ask for answers, then try to hit me when you don't like my answers! I told you what you wanted to hear, and told you to leave if there wasn't anything else! You stayed, so what is it?! What else is there to say here, you stubborn brat?!"
It's you...
His grip was bruising, and his expression was fierce, almost dangerous. If I was smart, I would have walked away then and there, but since when had I ever been smart?
Damn it, i's you...
"This is your fault, Levi! If you had never forced me back to this place, then neither of us would be hurting! Some people may have lived! I could have been blissfully una-fucking-ware of everything and everyone, s..so why did you have to catch me?!" Everything was pouring out now, and there was no stopping it. Such vicious defensiveness that had been building up for far too long.
"Why did you have to go and make me get attached to you?!"
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***I drew the picture then realised they were angry in this chapter so I tried to fit it in anyway but now this argument barely makes sense.
But hey, a lot of arguments get all over the place and make zero sense sometimes, right? R..right?
I befriended a stray cat and named her Aloe and she's trying to jump up onto my lap right now as I sit on my verandah. I want to cuddle her SO bad but she has fleas and I'm not about that itchy bitch life.
Next Chapter: Caught You***