INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
"Y'all know, Jell-O used to be a delicacy," Elliott told them. "You know, in order to make it, you gotta boil down a whole mess of hooves, you know, horses, cows, pigs, it doesn't matter. But not everybody has a mess of hooves just lying around. It wasn't until, uh... a couple of sassy New Yorkers figured out how to dry it out so that the rest of us could have a... a chance to enjoy this ambrosia."
"If we have some, will you shut up?" Diego asked.
Adriana rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.
"Maybe," Elliott answered. "Here." He began dishing out Jell-O.
Luther turned to Vanya. "How you feeling?"
"Pretty shitty, to be honest," Vanya replied.
"Where would you say you are on a scale from one to... ending all life on this planet?" Diego questioned as he flipped his knife.
Vanya glanced at him. "Really?"
Luther leaned forward. "Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She's fine."
"The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended midair, sucking the life out of me," Diego shot back. "I think I'm allowed a little time to process."
"Oh, I would love to see an energy tentacle," Elliott said.
Diego shook his head. "No, you wouldn't."
"I don't remember what I did, but I'm sorry... if... if that means anything," Vanya apologized.
Adriana glanced at Vanya. "It's all right."
Diego lowered his knife. "It does. Just going through a lot right now. There's this... girl that I like... I thought she liked me, but turns out that she's..."
The door opened and Allison laughed.
"Oh, thank God," Luther said, standing.
"Is anyone here?" Allison asked. "Hello?"
The six who'd been sitting and talking, stood and went to the railing and peeked over.
"Le petit mort, le petit mort," Klaus greeted.
"What? You don't speak French."
"It's "the little death.""
The two chattered indistinctly and Allison laughed.
Five glanced up at the others.
"Oh, wow," Klaus said. "Look at this old stuff." Klaus, followed by Allison, looked up at the others. "Oh, wow. I know this is impossible, but... did we all get sexier?" He waved.
"Vanya. Adriana," Allison greeted.
Vanya smiled. "I can't believe I have a sister."
The six joined the three below and Vanya smiled at Allison.
"I missed you," Allison said.
"Thank God someone did," Vanya replied, chuckling softly.
The women chuckled softly and embraced.
Klaus grunted, going in for a hug and Diego said, "Oh, you are drunk."
"Yeah," Klaus confirmed. "No, just a little... just a few..." he looked to see the women hugging. "Oh, that's so sweet." He joined their hug.
"No. Jesus," Allison muttered.
Vanya giggled. "Hi."
"Hey, Vanny," Klaus greeted.
"Klaus," Five called. "Is Ben here?"
"Oh, uh... no. No, unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel."
"Are you kidding me?" Ben asked from the back.
"All right, then," Five said. "Let's get down to business."
As they walked up the stairs, Klaus asked, "So, Vanny, what's new?"
"Hey, Diego," Allison greeted as Diego began walking off. "Can't say hi to nobody?"
Diego turned and answered quietly, "Hi, Allison."
"What was that?"
"Hi, Allison!"
EXT. HOUSE
Cats purred and meowed.
"Why are we here?" Lila asked.
"You were always a climber, darling," the Handler replied.
A cat purred and yowled as the Handler kicked it away.
Inside, a vacuum whirred and another cat meowed.
There were loud thuds from the roof and a canister dropped.
One Swedish man opened it and threw the canister in the trash before handing the note to another Swedish man while the other Swedish man, holding a cat, walked up.
Swedish man two opened the note to reveal a picture of Diego and a note.
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
"All right," Five began. "First off, I wanna say I'm sorry. I really screwed the pooch on this whole going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is we brought the end of the world back here with us."
Klaus, who'd been getting a drink, turned and asked, "Oh, my God, again?" Everyone looked at him. "All of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the... Oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five! I told them we had until 2019."
"We have until Monday. We have six days."
"Is it Vanya?"
"Klaus," Allison and Adriana called.
"What? It's usually Vanya."
"Do you have any leads, Five?" Vanya questioned.
"Yeah, we have one," Five answered, taking the file from Diego.
Allison looked at it. "Holy shit, is that Dad?"
"Yeah," Diego confirmed.
"That's him?" Vanya asked.
"Standing on the grassy knoll."
"Diego and I have been trying to talk to Dad about what exactly this means," Five explained. "So far, we've got nothing."
"Not nothing. He's planning to kill Kennedy."
Adriana sighed. "Enough about the president!"
"Maybe," Five said. "But we don't know who or what sets doomsday in motion. Could be Kennedy, could be something entirely independent. But if we know something changes the timeline, we have to make it right."
"Yeah, but how, if we don't know what's broken?" Allison wondered.
"Come on," Diego said. "Do the math. We know Dad's having shady-ass meetings with some shady-ass people. We know he's on the grassy knoll in three days to kill the president. So I think we all know what we have to do."
"Find Dad," Five told them.
At the same time, Diego said, "Kill Dad."
Vanya looked between her family. "None of us are supposed to be here, right? I mean, what if it's us? Has anyone here done anything to screw up the timeline?"
Klaus shook his head and Allison poured herself a drink.
"Diego's been stalking Lee Harvey Oswald," Luther informed.
"And you're working for Jack Ruby," Diego shot back, pointing at him aggressively.
"Allison has been very involved in local politics," Klaus said.
"Okay, you started a cult," Allison retorted.
"Thank you!"
Adriana smiled lightly. "I own a dance studio."
"I'm... I'm just a nanny on a farm," Vanya said.
Klaus growled and hissed as Vanya continued. "I don't have anything to do with all of that."
"Well, maybe one or both you do, we just don't know it yet," Allison guessed.
Diego whistled sharply. "Listen to yourselves. Everything in our new lives is connected to Kennedy. That can't be a coincidence. Luther works for Ruby, Allison is protesting the government, Dad is on the grassy knoll, Klaus is... doing something weird and pervy but probably related. See, clearly, we were all sent back here for one special reason: saving John Fitzgerald Kennedy." Overlapping arguments broke out. "This is bigger than all of us."
Five flashed back to the day he'd arrived. "Guys, you all die. I was there. I saw it. And I wanna forget it, but I can't. I saw Russian nukes vaporize the world with all of you in it... in a war that never happened until we brought it here. And Hazel gave his life to save us, so you may need to shut up and just listen to me. I don't know if the things we've experienced here are all connected. I don't know if there's a reason for everything. But Dad will. We need to talk to him before everyone and everything we know is dead."
"Okay, I'm out." Luther stood and sighed.
"Did you even hear me, Luther?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I did. I heard a 58-year-old man who still wants his daddy to come and fix everything. Well, you can count me out. It's time we grew the hell up." He left.
"Luther!" Vanya called while Adriana shot him a look.
"Come back," Allison said.
"Where you going?" Klaus asked.
"Save it, Diego," Luther told him.
Five spatial jumped away and appeared in front of Luther on the stairs and Luther sighed as Five said, "No one leaves until we figure this out."
Luther picked up Five, who grunted, and threw him down over the banister. Adriana began hitting Luther's chest. Five grabbed Adriana's hand and spatial jumped away just in the nick of time and stumbled.
"Jeez..." Five muttered, exhaling sharply. "When did the monkey learn how to fight dirty? I'm okay, Ana."
Five and Adriana walked towards the entrance and a rock clattered.
They turned to see Lila standing on the roof and muttered, "Son of a bitch."
Lila hopped down and ran past him. Five and Adriana debated going back in, exchanged a look, then started chasing after her.
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
Klaus ate from a bowl and said, "You know, I could really go for some tacos right now. Allison? Tacos?"
"Shouldn't we wait?" Allison asked.
"You know those guys. I mean, it could take forever for them to bro it out. Vanya, tacos?"
"Is there any way that tacos are gonna cause the end of the world?" Vanya questioned.
Klaus scoffed. "I mean, there's only one way to find out, right?" He snapped his fingers.
"Sure is," Allison replied. "Let's go!" she giggled.
"I've missed you all... so much." Ben leaned back and sighed.
EXT. ALLEY
"What's going on with you, big boy?" Diego asked.
"Ugh, leave me alone, Diego," Luther said.
"Huh? So, what, you're just gonna sucker punch Five and haul ass, huh?"
"Look, maybe trying to stop doomsday is exactly what starts it. Did you ever think of that?"
"Oh, so we do nothing? Since when are you a quitter?"
"Since the last time I destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance."
"So this is about you never living up to the old man's expectations bullshit, huh?"
Luther scoffed. "Maybe. I don't know, I mean, we're all crazy where Dad's concerned."
"Oh, I'm not. He's an asshole. I'm awesome. That's very simple. Have to understand that, okay?"
"Okay. So why can't you eave JFK alone, hmm?"
"I'm a hero. Heroes stop crime."
"No, no, no. No, Dad told you you're a hero. Right? He told all of us. But what if he lied? What if we're just a bunch of freaks who have no business changing the world for everyone else?"
"No, everyone changes the world, Luther. Everyone. And it's scary, but that's kinda the deal. You know, you are so goddamn big, sometimes I forget what a sensitive bastard you are. It's all gonna work out. We're on the right path."
"Oh, yeah? How do you know?"
"There's a long, black car that's been following us since we left Elliott's. Six o'clock." The car pulled up and the brothers shared a look.
The driver got out and handed Diego a note. Diego took the note and the driver got back in the car and drove off.
Diego opened the note. ""To my pursuers: I... Reginald Hargreeves...""
"What?" Luther asked.
""Request the pleasure of your company for a light supper on the 20th of November, 1963, half past seven o'clock, 1624 Magnolia Street.""
"A "light" supper?"
INT. BEAUTY SALON
Allison growled and chuckled as she picked up a bottle. "The nerve of that man. I mean, one thing goes wrong, and he's on a warpath. I mean, doesn't know who who I am? No, no. No, Ray, you know exactly who I am. You just can't handle it."
Vanya pretended to shoot. "Pew. Pew."
"I'm protecting him."
"Pew. Pew."
A soft slap sounded and Klaus said, "Ow. From what?"
"The end of the world, for one," Allison replied.
"Is the world really gonna end in six days?" Vanya asked.
"Well, it did last time, and we did everything Five could think of to stop it."
Klaus sat up. "Hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five and Ana grew up all hot? Wouldn't that be weird?"
"What?" Vanya questioned.
"Relax."
"Eww," Allison mumbled.
"Oh! "Oh, eww! Eww!" Please, Miss "Luther was my lover."" He made kissing sounds.
"We have never even kissed."
"Yeah, but you guys were making sick little moon-dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfasts and all that."
Vanya turned in her chair. "Aren't we all brothers and sisters, or...?"
Klaus snorted as Allison replied, "Well... technically, it..."
"Technically"?" Klaus repeated. "If you have to word... use the word "technically," you're already in trouble." He giggled, as did Vanya.
"Okay, can... can we focus? I mean, clearly we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe we could at least try to save my marriage."
Klaus poured a drink and it spilled over. "No! No, because that's like... that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg. I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships?" He pointed at Vanya. "This one? In secret love with some farm Frau."
"Her name's Sissy," Vanya told him.
"Which is an improvement on her previous love interest," Allison shook her head, "the serial killer."
"What?"
"Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch..."
"Later," Allison whispered.
Klaus continued. "For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister. Five may or may not be in love with Ana. No one is sure yet."
"Okay, again, we are not biological," Allison pointed out.
"Face it, the healthiest long-term relationships in this family are when Five was banging that mannequin and when Ana met us for the first time." Vanya looked confused, Allison rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. "The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up."
"You're listening to KBOX, Dallas," a man said over the radio.
"Cheers," Vanya and Allison said, raising their glasses.
"How do you guys deal with this?" Vanya asked.
"What?" Allison questioned.
"I mean, all of it. The time travel, seeing the dead, the end of the world."
"Well, I get really high," Klaus replied. "Allison... Allison..." he whispered, "...lies to herself." Allison kicked a stool towards Klaus. "And you suppress all your emotions deep, deep down until you... you blow shit up."
"Yeah, I'd really like to not do that anymore."
"Well, you've got six days, missy."
"What the hell are we supposed to do in six days?" Allison wondered, turning back to the mirror.
"Party?" He scoffed. "I don't know."
Vanya sat up straighter. "I'm gonna tell Sissy that I love her." Klaus exhaled sharply. "I don't want any secrets."
"Yeah."
"Yeah," Allison agreed.
Allison stood and picked up the bottle. "Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yes, 'cause, you know, if... if it's all gonna go tits-up, the least I could do is be with my husband."
"Oh... does that mean I have to face my cult?" Klaus wondered, closing his eyes. "I just hate group breakups. It's why I stopped dating twins."
Vanya spread her arms above her head. "This family's amazing."
Klaus cackled. "Yeah, sure." He stood.
"Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves," Allison said.
Klaus hugged Allison's side. "Come here, Vanya."
"Come on. Get over here."
Vanya joined Klaus and Allison and the three of them hugged.
"I love you guys," Klaus said.
Allison laughed and Klaus groaned.
Allison gasped as a song began playing. "Oh! You guys! I love this song!"
Twistin' the Night Away by Sam Cooke began playing.
Allison turned up the dial. The three began dancing together.
When the song finished, the three sat and the women let out a sigh.
EXT. FOREST
The three Swedes quietly trekked through the forest, in search of their next target.
Birds twittered, flies buzzed, twigs crunched, metal clinked and whirred.
One of the Swedes stepped on a booby trap and it exploded, killing the Swede closest to it.
A train rumbled along the tracks and a train horn blowed.
EXT. ALLEY
Lila made sure the coast was clear and ran towards a building. Five and Adriana watched her from a distance. She picked up a piece of wood and smashed the glass.
She unlocked the door and entered.
Five and Adriana followed after her and peeked in.
He spatial jumped them inside and appeared behind Lila who turned. "What's your game, crazy lady?"
"Who cares?" Lila shot back. "You said if you saw me again, you'd kill me."
"Oh, I remember."
"Well, come on, big talker. Let's get this done."
"All right." He spatial jumped behind her and she kicked him, knocking him to the ground with a grunt before running off with a chuckle.
Five and Adriana chased her and he spatial jumped in front of her while Adriana ran up behind. The three fought for a short while.
"I'm waiting," Lila said as Five spatial jumped and missed her.
She laughed. "Fed up yet, Five? How about you, Ana?"
Five picked up a pipe and spatial jumped towards her, knocking it into a light, causing it to shatter.
Lila grunted and resumed her attack.
Five managed to win and held a foot against her neck. Adriana held Lila on the ground with ice cuffs.
Lila wheezed as she said, "You're better than I thought."
"And you are entirely average," Five replied as she choked. "You can come out now."
The Handler walked out. "Well done. You figured it out."
"Well, it wasn't very hard. She fights like every one of you Commission drones."
"Hmm. No matter, here we are. Together again. I've gotta ask... did you miss me, you little shit?" Five and Adriana glared and Lila coughed and laughed.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Vanya walked inside as voices on the TV chattered indistinctly. She closed the door.
"Sissy," Vanya called, entering the kitchen.
"Vanya," Sissy said softly. "Don't sneak up on me like that."
"Where have you been?" Sissy stepped closer to Vanya.
"Uh, family reunion."
"Are you... drunk?"
"Does it matter?"
Sissy let out a scoffing chuckle.
"What matters is I have feelings... okay?" Vanya said, taking Sissy's hands. "And I... I feel things for you."
"Vanya, now's not a good time," Sissy told her.
"No. Now's the only time. 'Cause how much time do we have left? We could have years, we could have days, but we only have one life. And we gotta go with our hearts. And my heart wants to go with you."
"Sissy!" Carl called, entering the room. "What happened to that beer, girl?" He noticed Vanya. "Oh, shit. You caught me naked as a jaybird." he chuckled. "I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later." He stepped further into the kitchen and a bottle clinked. "That's all right. You're part of the family." He rejoined the women with a beer and pet Sissy's hair. "Don't you dawdle now." He slapped her rear and walked away.
The door shut.
"You slept with him?" Vanya asked.
"He's still my husband," Sissy replied.
"Who you don't love anymore."
"Just be a little patient - while I figure things..."
"What is there to figure out? I see you. I see you miserable."
"Who gets to be happy all the time?"
"We can! We were just talking about leaving."
"Honey, that was just morning talk, lies we tell each other to get through the damn day. We don't get to live our fantasies." She sighed as she began walking away and turned. "You know, Vanya..." her voice trembled, "maybe when you can remember what your real life was like, you'll feel less inclined to tell people how to live theirs. You know nothing of the pressures I'm under."
"I know we're running out of time for you to be brave."
"What does that mean?"
"Six days. We've got six days."
"Six days until what?"
"I can't explain, okay? Just, we need to go now, please."
"Vanya," Sissy whispered.
"Please, come. Please..."
"Vanya. Vanya. Vanya! I can't."
Vanya started crying and pushed the tears away before leaving without another word.
"Vanya," Sissy called, panting. "Vanya, wait!" She ran towards the door.
The door opened and slammed shut and Sissy let out a sigh.
Vanya walked out to the street as bugs chirred.
EXT. LAKESIDE
The two Swedes stood near a lake as a boat on fire drifted across the water.
One of the Swedish men screamed.
EXT. DINER
Luther and Diego were sitting at a table. Luther was eating and Diego was looking at the photo and note they'd been given.
EXT. HOUSE
Klaus looked at the house a moment and walked inside.
He was greeted by his cult and said, "Daddy's home."
They touched his hair and cheek.
INT. CHESTNUT HOME
Allison entered and called, "Ray?" She saw her husband. "Sit your ass down. Sit down." She set down her bag. "Now, I... I've been doing a lot of thinking," Ray sat, "and... I've decided..." she exhaled sharply, "... I'm gonna tell you everything."
EXT. LAKESIDE
The boat traveled slowly across the water, still burning.